Pity Visits and Presents

So Monday was melancholy and yesterday was happy hyper Tuesday and it is exhausting just trying to hold on to the emotional ride given to me by these chemicals. On the melancholy days the tears just wash my face, my nose runs and turns red. But I am focused and able to work. On happy hyper days I bing off the walls at a million miles an hour, no focus, just pure adrenaline soaring me into the ether and flying so fast past everything that I can not begin to grasp even basic concepts like gravity. And I hate being around people when I am swinging from these extremes because it is exhausting and confusing.


Today, I am more in the middle. The tears still come, but not as noticeable to those around me, which is easier for them. I still have that jittery edge, but I can focus. I don’t stay as focused as a normal person, but I can stand upright, carry on simple conversations, complete many of my tasks here at work. That is all good.



And it is always nice to be more in the middle instead of out at the extremes. And this afternoon I will go and see my Pulmonologist. I am not sure why, but if he wants to see me, who am I to argue. He is a kind man and seems likes a good doctor. He has certainly worked well for me. Not being too pushy, allowing my fears and trepidation to guide us through this process. Well up to a point. He could have said when this journey began. NO! I will not start with an antibiotic. I will do what I always do and start at the worst case scenario and work our way backwards. But he didn’t he listened to me and gave me the opportunity to make sure that it wasn’t something else before we found the cancer. And he also was the one who picked the Italian doctor to work with me. I am very fortunate for that because Dr. Italian is good at what he does. One of the best, and I know that his biopsies were the best I could have hoped for. And because the lung showed malignant cells and the thyroid did not, means that we could throw out the possibility of thyroid cancer. Darn! But that is not what I have, and I am glad that we all are confident of that because of Dr. Italian.
 But really what I wanted to talk about was pity visits. I want everyone to know that I am open for pity visits. That’s right. You want to come and see me because I have cancer. I am good with that. I mean I don’t think I need everyone to come down all at once, but shoot, I have cancer. Don’t you think this is worth a trip to see your old friend Kathleen? I am not beyond using it. Yep, I have used the cancer card a lot lately. And like I say I use it only for good. Ok, mostly my own good. But I try to not overuse it. But I am willing to use it here. Come and visit me, just for a couple of days. But wouldn’t you hate blowing the chance say this fall when the world here has slowed a little, cooled down a spell and the green changes from that violent growth green to the slower more mellow green? And bring me presents. Chocolate. I like dark chocolate. Or Flowers or balloons or a book or something you made with your own hands. Or just a funny story or a joke or photos of what you have been doing. I am not picky. And honestly it is not that I want anything for myself. I want it for you. Yep, I am just turning into a saint here. Just thinking of all my beloveds and how hard this is on you hearing about me living with …..cancer. And you are just torn with sadness and sympathy for this poor scrawny woman. So cleanse your guilt, remove all evil thoughts, make me or buy be a present and bring it to me. Hmm, I wonder where you register for gifts for people who have cancer? Maybe the gift shop at the hospital? Maybe a Good will, or how about a Salvation Army thrift store? And I will be kind, grateful, loving and smile to see you. And it will only be done for good. Our good. Our shared good.

So, you aren’t buying this? I am really not surprised. So if you can not come and visit me, but you are still willing to cast a vote for my sainthood, then go see a neighbor, a friend closer by, or buy a bag of cat litter for the local shelter, or maybe a book for a school library or a public library. Look, I need all the help I can get to reach this sainthood of cancer. And I figure that if you have to have 3 miracles, then maybe those miracles can be the love and kindness given freely to others because of this turn of events. This journey that I have been given. And do you think I should do some kind of charity work for others who have cancer? Well, yes, I do. But I think that I will wait until I have moved much farther along this journey. I mean Judy and Denise are paying back Judy’s treatment by taking care of me. That is what Judy always tells me. She is just paying up her good karma for having survived 13 years after bone cancer. And she is an amazing survivor, and so is Denise who lived through the experience as her care giver. And they are two amazing woman.

So Vicki has August 20 – 27, (and I have us booked for facials with Katie on August 21st) and this next week my nephew Christopher will be here and the week after that his parents and brother will be in and out on their vacation. But other then that I am open. So come on over, spend a night, sit and laugh and talk with me. Let me see your eyes and know that the concern and hurt is eased as you see that this is a gift to me. And if you should choose to bring me another gift, well, OK, but I do love to open wrapped presents, especially with bows.