Sittin On A Porch

Sittin On A Porch
Our little back porch

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

The doctor said.....

I had gone for my bone treatment on Monday and the doctor was not there so I had given a list of notes to the lovely kind girl who hooked me up to my drip and made sure that all went well for the first of many bone treatments.  These are the treatments to help my bones get strong to help stop the cancer.  To help my bones be like normal bones, strong enough to hold up the non-skeletal part of this soft body.  The list had been simple questions, when can I get off of the steroids?  Any recommendation on things I need to do to prepare other parts of my body for this journey?  Like dental care?  

So when I got home last night the doctor had called and left a message to call him at the office and he would call me back.  And he did.  And he said that because of the cancer on the C7 vertebrate, he would like to go ahead and start treatments as quickly as possible.  Would I mind starting the chemo while I am on radiation?  And, well things were going to have to be stepped up a bit.  It is time to pursue this disease a little more aggressively.  He was sorry to say that his best first guess of the chemo would be two chemicals, and he knew he had said I would probably not have many side affects, now that they knew more about the cancer and where it is, well, I will loose my hair and  suffer from nausea.  This was not what we had talked about when I first met him.  Before the bone scan. 

But like I said to Dr. B, well, it really isn't much of a choice, hair or cancer, I guess they both have to go.  And nausea, I know that he is prepared for that, and he has a plan.  And Ms Moon has a plan where I can stay with her on the days that I can not stay by myself.  And I have been thinking about moving into my guest room because it has more light and more windows and views of my garden.

And this is not going to be a few weeks.  This is going to be month and months and....  well, no way of knowing for sure, but the doctor assured me he would be there until the cancer was gone.  I assume he means and I am still here.  And we discussed a few more things, like how he picked out the Radiologist Oncologist because he thought that I would like her and that  would help me on this journey.  And about the fact that the pain is not like a headache where you take an aspirin and the headache goes away.  No, the pain will be here until the cancer goes away.  Hmmmm, that is longer then I thought.  OK, all of this is more then I thought.  This is harder then I thought, this is more then I wanted to do.  I just wanted to sort of have cancer and then be OK.  That life would be richer because of the challenge and journey that I had survived.  But now it is real.  I mean really real.  And it hit me like a rock.  

We want to get on this aggressively because of the C7 vertebrate.  There are still worse case scenarios that I had just brushed aside.  

And I went to work and for the first time I started to get things in order.  And then I left for the CT simulation and guess what?  I was a day early.  Yep, I actually worked out simulating the simulation.  No one is going to deny that I may have a bit of the overachiever going on here.  And then as I was driving back to the office, I knew I could not go back there.  So I called and told them I would be in the morning and that I had screwed up my appointment so I would have to leave tomorrow for the actual CTsim.  And then I thought I am just going to drive and drive and drive.  But I was afraid to just drive with out a plan.  I need a plan.  So instead of just driving, I went to see Ms Moon.  And she never expects me to be perfect or judges me for not being the best I can be.  She just lets me be me, and she listens to me, and she sometimes says the right thing and sometimes says the wrong thing, and then we talk about the string theory and we do not talk about things we can not handle.  And because it is real, and that we are both trying to be the best person we can for the other one, it is such a relief.  I just hope I don't leave too much hurt on her shoulders when I leave.  And then I started preparing.  I bought chicken food, hay, scratch.  Order rabbit food.  I made calls and left messages for people to start mowing my grass.  I made an appointment to have a will drawn up.  I went to Chicken delight, some place that I have never been in or even bought food there.  I have eaten food there, but never actually been there to buy it.  I don't know if I will go there often.  the food tasted wonderful,  but well, let's just leave it there.  And then I came home and watched "It's complicated" because Netflix just left me that DVD in my mail box today and it was adorable.  And I ordered Chinese food to take up to the Opera House for the TOSAC cast/crew who are bringing "The Great American Trailer Park Musical" to our lovely theater this weekend, and I wanted to save, Welcome.  We are glad that you are here. Welcome and please have a lovely time.  Then I called and the lawn guy is coming tomorrow to give me an estimate on mowing the yard for me, and Jack and Jan have volunteered to take care of the dogs.  And Rich said that he is just going to show up one day and start doing things.  And Judy and Denise are there, so that if I want to stay home some time and need help they will be able to help me do it.    And I am better.  I am back in control with myself.  And life is ok.  No, life is good.  I can do this.  Judy said there would be days like this.  And so far this is the hardest and the first one like it, but I did it.  And now I will take some pain meds, go to bed, and maybe I will even sleep.  


  1. Okay. I know this post isn't finished but I have to stop you right here and say something.
    It is one of the greatest honors of my life that I can be with you in whatever way I can be on this journey of yours.
    We ARE driving in a car, no particular place to go, listening to the songs and discussing the scenery and yet, there is a map. We don't have it but Dr. B has one piece of it and so does Dr. Nice Gorgeous and they're like our GPS and Bruce is singing and telling us that we're no beauties but hey! we're all right and to let the wind rush back our hair and here we go and you're letting me sit beside you and honey, it's not too much. Not too much at all.
    If you have to go through this then dammit, there is nothing I want to do more than go through it with you. What else have I got to do? Look- I've never liked the shallow, the meaningless, the ridiculously time-sucking blah-blah-blah. Never had any desire to spend my days watching soap operas or joining book clubs where they talk about crap books.
    And so what if I cry sometimes? So what? Who wouldn't? Don't you worry about my shoulders, don't you worry about a thing having to do with me. I may act all wimpy sometimes, but I'm not that weak. I promise you.
    As long as you'll have me- I'm here for the ride.
    And you just tell me when I'm not doing what you need. Tell me to turn the radio up or tell me to turn it off. Either way.
    Okay. I'll stop now.
    I love you.

  2. It sounds like you do have a good plan. Good luck with your appointment tomorrow.

  3. Sweet dreams, darling. And even if you do have cancer and feel lousy, you still do more than I do in a day.

  4. Sweet sleep to you Kathleen.It is not selfish to pull others close to you when you are hurting, only selfish to push them away and keep them out of your story.
    Peace and blessing,

  5. I for one am keeping you in my thoughts and hope this journey your on is just a big kick in Cancer's ass.

  6. If you need something for that nausea and can't find a local... pharmacist, let me know. I can probably help out.

  7. I hope you had sweet dreams, Kathleen.

    I very much enjoyed It's Complicated, too.

    Keeping a good thought for you,


  8. I want to find the parallel universe where I know Hank in real life.

    I hope you got some sleep.