Sittin On A Porch

Sittin On A Porch
Our little back porch

Thursday, July 15, 2010

A Day Off

Today was an off day, cancer wise.  No doctor visits, no tests, no poking or prodding or blood letting, just a normal day filled with normal things and normal people.  I did get to go to Costco with Owen, Lily and Ms Moon.  Amazing! I have never seen such huge quantities of such glorious food.  And I also got to go to Pat and Ron's.  I had planned on swimming, but it was raining, and lightening and thundering, so I didn't swim.

I am tired.  I am not sure any more if I am tired of being sick, tired of not resting as well as I should or tired because I have let myself get into a rut of being tired and doing nothing.  I keep saying that I have had this for at least 3 months, because the first X-ray was the beginning of April.  So I am not sick because I have cancer, I have had it for a while when I didn't know it was cancer, so why would I feel sicker now just because it has the name cancer.  But I will agree and state right now that maybe I am tired because my body is getting worn out trying to deal with all the crazy party cells.  They appear to be very slow growing, but still, there is something in my body affecting it.  I really don't know exactly how, but it is just common sense that it would be tiring after awhile.  And so now I am going to go and lay down, and rest and try and give my body enough rest to try and start getting my life back.  This past week I have lost a lot of me.  And one way I need to get me back is to rest.  But I also need to get more active again.  Physical activity will give me more stamina and strength.  And I have to quit babying myself.  I don't mean trying to do what I used to do.  But I need to find a way to gently and sweetly get my friends to quit worrying when I want to do something.   I mean I can still do things.  And I have to quit laying around and being worthless.  That is it, I need to start feeling worthy again.  I need to do things.  To build up my strength, my stamina my desire to make accomplishments, because right now I am just trying to survive each day.  And come on, the little "c" hasn't even been diagnosed, let alone any treatments.  

I appreciate everything my friends do for me, but they need to let me live my life and do what I want to do.  Advice?  Yes, I appreciate advice and concern and love, and support.  And now I have to make this commitment to myself.  Get up this weekend, garden, maybe even try doing a little mowing.  Yes, be smart about it, and not over do it, but get up and live again.  Life is to e lived.  I have been in jams before, some not completely unlike this one.  But I didn't get better by laying down and giving up.  No, I got up, brushed myself off, squared my shoulders and started living again.  And I need to do that now.  With the love and support of my friends, and their understanding.  Because I know they do understand and they love me, and I am so lucky, so very fortunate, so very blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life.  

Ok, that sounded strong and exactly what I need to do, now to find the energy, the ability to follow through.  I walk at work, but not as much as I used to.  And I still park at the top of the hill which is like walking up 5 flights of stairs, but it is not enough.  So maybe tomorrow I will take the dogs for a walk.  Not too long because Maggie is 14 and has arthritis and can't walk too far or fast.  But we move at about the same speed now, and then I will come home and make pizza.  They love pizza on Friday nights.  

Now to bed.


  1. You are the one who is wise about your body and mind and what they need. You.
    And I will remember that, my dear,wise friend.
    Porch visit tomorrow if you want before your dog walk and pizza? A tiny martini?

  2. Sounds good to me. A day without drama and getting some rest is a good thing.

  3. I hope you get some rest. I've been tired for 6 years now, thanks to menopause and hot flashes and crazy adrenaline surges. I can't sleep without drugs, and I feel the toll it is taking on my life. So, I wish you rest. I won't give you any advice, just a friendly ear, and a wish for some sleep and the energy to do the things you love.
    My sister's dog is named Maggie too, and she has terrible arthritis. In her head, she's still a puppy, but her body has other ideas. Just like us sometimes. But we do what we can.
    Keep taking care of yourself the way that makes sense to you.

  4. Any friend of Ms. Moon's is a friend of mine. You sound like really good people, and I hope I could be welcome on this journey with you. I'm glad to meet you, even under these circumstances.

    Maggie May

  5. I hope if I ever get in this situation, I could handle it with as much grace as you.

  6. I am sending healing thoughts your way -- and to your friends, strength and courage and humor. My neighbor Kim was diagnosed with ovarian cancer last spring (age 48, two young kids) and she continued to "do her walks" as she went through chemo -- only enough walking that was enjoyable but with determination to stay active. We had so many lovely chats as we strolled around the neighborhood at a leisurely pace -- I wish the same for you.

  7. oh , yes to everything here, Kathleen.

    wishing and praying and sending cyber hugs and support .
    for all of it.

    I love a woman who walks through fire.
    It's a little refining sometimes.