Sittin On A Porch

Sittin On A Porch
Our little back porch

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Feeling better

I am spending more time sleeping.  But this morning I woke early and was out of the house, by myself around 8:00am.  I got in the driver's side of the toy and drove the 3+ miles to the Winn Dixie to pick up a few things and to get a calorie filled fast food breakfast.  I walked into the store.  Last week I could not walk.  But Dr. May tried different premeds and I have been taking higher doses of the B vitamin complex.  My feet still feel like they are burning, but that is a million times better then the hornet stings.  I can walk in public without looking like a Tim Conway old man on slow speed.  And actually this feeling is only noticeably worse then before the treatments.  So that is good.  I am sleeping more and getting rest.  Still have digestive issues, and they are trying to take center stage.  The leg and ankle swelling are barely noticeable.  All the sleeping at least keeps my feet up, so there are pluses all in all.

This morning I felt so good.  I was not pain free, and my stomach hurt.  But I felt alive and the discomfort was managed with the drugs.  There was hardly anyone in the Winn Dixie and I had picked up fresh fruit and then stuck to the list and left with energy to spare.  The drive through at BK was packed so I walked inside.  I was the only customer and had my order and was driving away before any of them had moved.  I came home only to find that while Harley had been returned two days earlier, he was again gone.  Edna was sitting just inside the gate waiting for me.  Harley was gone.  Bob was standing at the gate of the dog's fenced yard.  He is a good boy, Bob.  I drove up to the house and told Bug that Harley was gone.  We jumped in the truck and turned left out the gate.  Harley was playing with Gabby in the road together.  We opened the truck door and Harley climbed right in.  We drove home and Harley jump out and ran to the gate to the dog yard where Bob was and acted like he had never left.  I really wouldn't mind him being able to visit the neighbors, but that is not responsible.  Or legally acceptable to let your dog run loose.  But there have been cars, trucks and motorcycles zooming around the corners and I am worried about him getting hit, and well, he just can't run loose.  I wish he could understand this.  He is still young and such a puppy.  The three of them are so happy to be back together.  Harley didn't really seem all that excited to see me, but when we drove into the driveway, he started whining and crawling all over me wanting his brother and sister. 

Having Harley home is also helping to reduce stress and make me feel better.  I am just growing through the growing pains of changing my med schedules.  It takes me more time than it should to adjust physically, mentally and simply working out the math and balance.   This affects my sleep and eating patterns.  I am struggling enough with weight.  If you sleep for two days, that are two days with no fuel.  And trust me my metabolism does not slow down as well as it used to on all these drugs.  I eat like a finicky two year old, and not enough for a full human being.  Even though I am small as the nurses keep commenting on.  I simply show them my hands and elbows which are huge on my thinness.  I really don't want to be this thin.  I would love to be able to eat and enjoy it and have it fuel me.  Or to be able to cook again.  It does not matter, each day is a new journey in the world of eating.

After breakfast I put up my bags of treasures away, emptied the dishwasher (I love our dishwasher) and cleaned the kitchen.  I talked to Bug's dad who just turned 80 and then I laid down.  I finished Billy Bones.  It has been a while since I read this author and I enjoyed it thoroughly.  I started Stilthouse and enjoy the voice of this author also.   I am enjoying have the time to read.  But I tend to fall asleep, so that slows down my reading.  But there is just something about reading in the summer, I love so much.

I am feeling hopeful and better.  New problems, but not nearly as difficult as the first ones.  My animals are starting to bond with our new house.  Harley is simply a runner and we will see what comes.  We might have to find him a new home if we can not keep him on our property.  I can't imagine not having him with us, but if I can not keep him safe he can not stay.  I don't take this lightly, obviously.  Edna is still with us.  But this is about his health and safety.  Maybe we can all learn to work this out another way. 

My cousin will be here Tuesday night for a visit.  My brother and his two sons will be here for the weekend.  So lots of visitors.  I will need to rest before, during and after they come.  But I am excited right now.  I felt better today then I have in weeks.  I acted like a real big girl and drove myself to town and shopped and talked to people and walked just like a regular person. 

My sweet honey has been doing everything.  I mean everything.  I would love to be able to do something for us.  But right now I need to close and finish watching Treehouse Master's International.  I just love Pete.  And his cohort in Japan is amazing.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Bone treatment and chemo

Yesterday was another long day in Thomasville.  My honey doesn't like me driving after the treatments so he drives me there for every appointment.  Most of the time I am sitting and waiting.  I wait for my turn in the lab.  I wait in the lab chair as they draw my blood.  My port started to act a little difficult, but quickly cleared and seemed to be working just fine. 

Then I wait for my appointment with the nurse.  I wait as Ms Geraldine asks me the questions and fills in the computer.  I wait for my appointment with Dr. May.  Then we talk, she probes and prods.  We laugh she reminds me to keep my sense of humor.  I told her I had lost it, but was finding bits and pieces here and there and hoped to have it back and shore up soon.  We talked about the point of these treatments is not to make me sick, but to extend a healthy life.  She thinks and her brilliance amazes me like the amazing Dr McCuttie pie. 

The recommended dose for the Gemzar is 1200 something.  She did 1000 for my first treatment, it will be knocked back to 800 for the treatment this afternoon.  She took me personally into the infusion room for my bone treatment and talked to the nurses about the changes to the orders and when they could expect them.  She also talked to the nurses, all extremely competent RNs about the side effects I have been experiencing.  I explained I had had the same effects for every infusion treatment.  Dr. May looked at the nurses and said, if the chemo has been different but the effects are the same, maybe it is the premeds, not the chemo.  The nurses had all come to this conclusion also and everyone clustered behind the computer to review the list of premeds.  I was escorted on to my chair.  This chair is in the back of the infusion are and looks out over a garden.  The bone treatment does not take that long, but the pre and post flushing, etc. means I never seem to get out of there until around 5:00.  That makes for a long day.

Today I just have the chemo treatment and they left me all hooked up.  Needles and tubes sticking out around a clear tape that seals my skin.  I wasn't too sure how I would sleep with this getup  glued to my chest, but it did not seem to matter one bit.  The nurse had recommended that it would cut back significantly on my time and they prefer to minimize the number of times they stick you.  I appreciated that, so I looked even more like a science fiction character.

I woke up several times last night with the back pain.  I took an oxy every four hours, and I seem to be okay, but I am keeping my activities to reading and maybe walking up the stairs to fix lunch.  My honey brought me breakfast in bed because he knew I had had a hard night.

It is raining hard right now.  I love the rain here, it is so green and the sound of it falling in the trees is magical.  Later we will drive up to Thomasville.  Hopefully the rain will have slowed a bit.

Another beautiful day.

Sunday, July 13, 2014

updates, a Super Moon and the final game

I would like to be able to write down how much better I am doing.  That the nerve pain in my feet has subsided, that the bruising on my right leg has cleared up and that the pain in my back is all but a distant memory.  But of course, this is not a fairy tale.  This is my story.  It is not all happy rainbows with puppies and sunshine.  It is a hopeful story of happy and sad, where the puppies grow up into dogs.  And where sometimes the sunshine is bright and life giving.  But where rain must fall to clean the air.  To green up the trees and grass.  The rain is needed to give us a pause to the joy of water falling from the sky, and frogs sing out in gratitude.

The reality is that I am getting used to my feet.  They still feel like hornets are stinging them and Dr. May suggested that maybe taking a multi B vitamin might help.  That made me laugh, "B" vitamin for "hornets".  Okay, I had to explain it a couple of times to the ladies in the lab.  They are not entomologist, why would they relate bees and hornets.

I do try and keep my legs up as much as possible.  It does make a difference with the swelling and bruising.  I still do too much.  Why do I even say it?  Like anyone who knows me knows I always throw myself into everything I do.

I did not get a second treatment last Tuesday.  My numbers were close, but because this is an on going process knocking me down to soon will only back fire on us.  Tuesday was a strange day altogether.  My port would not work that morning when I went in for my labs.  The thermometer didn't work right.  I guess I wasn't supposed to be there.  Hopefully things will work better tomorrow.  Tomorrow I have my second bone treatment.  We are also going to do my labs in hopes that I will be able to tolerate a second treatment.  I whined that now that I have committed to this treatment and have to live with the side effects, I don't want to stop now.  I tried whining for about a minute listing my side effects, those on the list, and those I seemed to have made up all on my own, but I grew tired.  I am just not very good with whining for long.  She laughed at my pitiful attempt and assured me that she was going to do everything she could, including cutting the dosage again.  So I am hopeful today.  Hopeful that I will again be ready to have them inject more WMDs into my port.

Maybe one of the many things that attracted me to my husband is that he is a warrior.  I am a hippie.  I am pretty inept at waging war and battles, inside or our.  I am a searcher of peace.  A child of Mother Nature.  A gardener.  A mother of labs, cats, chickens, duck and fish.  I can sit for hours watching a bright green half inch long praying mantis.  I collect beautiful bugs and put them in boxes.  Someday people are going to find boxes of every make and kind, each with a variety of insects or plant seed, bits of rocks or petal, feather or cocoon.  I read books of history, or war fare and times when families and tribes and emerging nations murdered and assimilated local innocents.  Again, all I can say is that as this war rages inside me, it also fills my mind and imagination.  I can not say I understand war any better.  I think  maybe I can better understand how people respond to war.  Maybe I understand a little better why I am doing this rather then taking the perfectly acceptable way of saying no more treatments. 

My husband tries so hard to take care of me and protect me.  He still sees me capable of leaving the house and riding one of those little carts around and buy presents of plants and books.  To help him to pick up food and wine and a foot brush.  I need a new foot brush.  We tried Friday.  He drove me to the Home Depot.  I was nervous, anxious and filled with pain and dread.  But I looked into the love in his eyes and realized that he would be right there for me.  It was not enough.  Just riding the cart through the big box store was not fun.  Usually getting to ride in a little cart should be fun.  I was not comfortable.  I just wanted to jump up and walk.  But I knew I could not make it from one end of the store to the other, even if we started more than half way down.  I looked at plants from an angle that was unfamiliar to me.  I looked at other plants and thought what can I do with them?  I can not get outside and plant anything.  I started to cry and then as fast as that silly cart would take me back to the car.  My confused and concerned husband running behind me.  He had no clue what was going on.  Neither did I.  He took me home.  I laid in the dark of my closest.  No light, no sounds, not stimuli.  I was completely overwhelmed. 

Before I went off the deep end I had let Bug talk me into inviting the Moons over for dinner the next evening.  I know he is used to a much more social life, and now with me never wanting to leave the property.  But more than that he knows that I miss my loved ones.  I feel so cut off.  All my own doing, but it is hard to even spend more than an hour sitting and relaxing in the Florida room with the cats and dogs.  All of their love, gifts and needs flood over me and I need to go into a quiet room away from it.  The pain is controlled, barely.  I have to get up in the night and take an oxy to be able to make it through the night.  That is three a day now.  The pain in my back is between my liver and right kidney, closer to my vertebrates.  I have noticed that I do not always feel the pain where it actually is located.  I am starting to get used to it and get up quicker at night to take eat a snack and take a pill.  No need to come full awake with the pain.  It only takes longer to stop hurting and fall back asleep.

The Moons so sweetly immediately agreed to dinner, but only if Mary made it.  That stopped me cold, and in my dark little closet I cried.  I cried for having such a loving husband, who tries so hard to keep me alive.  I mean full of life.  And to have these precious beloved ones also in my life.  I agreed and held on to the hope of having these dear friends come to our new home and bring one of Ms Moon's delicious and healthy meals.

That morning Carolyn had come by for a short visit and brought blueberry scones from Tupelo's.  Later that evening would be the full moon meditation and vegetarian cover dish at my precious Geeta.  I have not seen her since May, and I have not seen Ba since she came home.  I have talked to few on the phone, and any one I see, comes here.  I have been difficult.  I know I have, my nerves are all alive and on edge and it is exhausting surviving this, let alone to relax and be pleasant.  I am trying to find balance, peace, and even if it is only in getting used to the pain and discomfort, I will take it.

I tried not to do too much during the day.  I was excited at the thought of the hugs when they first drove up.  Then to sit out in a screened area or upstairs weather determined.  To smell the food as it came up the stairs, my mouth watering.  To sit and talk with dear friends and be normal.  Of course I did too much, but I took my drugs and took time before they were to come just sitting quietly alone, calming my nerves, trying to minimize the amount of adrenalen released by this flight or fight waging inside of me.

The day was still bright and lovely.  Ms Moon was beautiful, her long thick hair braided and free.  She was tanned and looked like the goddess she visits in Cozumel.  They may be the same person.  maybe.  Mr. Moon wore a fishing shirt I bought him.  I loved it, Bug was skeptical, and it I appreciated Mr. Moon's gesture.  The hugs so sweet, and real.  I realize I have started hiding my hugs.  When the back pain first started I must have tried to suppress it only tying up the pain.  I realize I have not been spending as much time in my honey's arms.  Where I used to curl up on his lap it has been for shorter and shorter time, and not everyday.  I do not let the  dogs and cats rub up and lean into my body.  I did not realize until Ms Moon hugged me.  I felt my rigidity, her tenderness.  Each hug, and there were many, I felt myself let go.  Tiny releases, but each time I felt myself opening up inside wanting to be me again.  I had already had the "What if this is as good I get?" sob.  This was quieting my soul. 

And then there were martinis and caprice salad made from Ms Moon's tomatoes.  The flavors balanced perfectly, the yellow and red of the tomatoes, the fresh basil, mozerella and greens.  The dressing fresh and bright.  Then came a heavy pot filled to the brim of chicken and dumplings.  The aroma savory and rich, earthy with mushrooms, the chicken cooked to tender and juicy large pieces nestled in the dumplings.  The flat rolled kind, like my Auntie used to make.  Usually Mary and I both make fluffy dumplings, more like stewed biscuits, then noodles, but these were tender and delicious and I was back in my Uncle's rose garden.  Terraced beds of roses.  Rows and rows of roses.  It is an August day and Auntie yells through the screen door that lunch is ready.  Chicken and her famous dumplings.  A memory from a distant vacation.  But even better, because here was this wonderful dinner.  Green beans, green, crisp and tender.  A cherry, peach, berry crumble with vanilla ice cream.  Bug had done most of the cooking.  This was a feast gently laid between two starving souls.  All of our senses took in this glory.  From the brilliant purple orchid brought, or all of the food.  Different food then we had gotten into the habit eating. 

As beautiful as the plant and flower, as delicious as the food, it was the love in Ms Moon's face.  She has cooked for me before during this challenge and now I realize how much of my survival of that time was her food. She told me how much she had truly enjoyed shopping and making this dinner.  Home made French loaf of bread, still warm and fragrant.  I smelled the food and saw the sweet sparkle in these dear friends and their love and their time and this wonderful meal.  In our new home.  Friends over in our new home, laughing and talking, watching moose videos and tapes of Bill Murray on Graham Norton.  I ate two helpings!  I can not remember the last time that I so completely enjoyed a meal that I wanted more.  Ms Moon and I had time to sit outside in the little porch and watched the rain and wait for the full moon.

As sweet as the night was, good byes came, more hugs, thank you whispered.  Promises to enjoy all the food left and to look forward to more in the future.  They drove home, and I was tired, but relaxed and happy.  One of Mr. Moon's martini may have contributed to that relaxation.  I know the food and easy talk and laughter among friends soothed me like a salve to the dry irritated nerves.

I slept well last night.  A night I did not see the super moon.  I looked before I went to bed.  I had wanted to go to Geeta's.  I had wanted to sit near my dear ones and relax, breath, meditate and feel the gratitude of life.  To feel the gratitude of so many wonderful kind loving people in my life.  I know Bug knew the sting of not getting to be at Geeta's could only be calmed by the wonderful evening he talked me into.  Such a simple thing.  Spend time with our loved ones.  Yet, something so far away.

I saw shining from behind the curtains at one point.  Maybe it was the full moon.  I don't venture anymore than necessary, especially at night.  So I do not know if the full moon rose and crossed over our home.  This is our first full moon in our home.  A super moon.  So many blessings in life.

It is already the second half of the game.  Still untied.  So much riding on this game.  No more world cup for 4 years.  World peace could tremble if Argentina beats Germany.  It has been an interesting game, despite the lack of scoring. 

My cousin Lori is moving to Florida and will be stopping by to visit me on her way down to start her new job.  My youngest brother's family will be up that weekend.  I could have the two boys for a couple of days and nights.  More loved ones.

Thank you my sweet husband for all you do for me.  Thank you my dear sweet precious beloved ones.  Spread through out the world, the real and the ether, although it is hard many times to understand the difference.  Thank you for the love you show me is what brings me back each time I am ready to simply slip away.

Tomorrow I will go for the bone treatment
Then hopefully the chemo
But today, chicken and dumplings, green beans, a hidden bite of salad, cobbler and ice cream
and the last game of the world cup

Monday, July 7, 2014

Treatment number one, and it ain't pretty

We are in our home.  A week ago Wednesday Mr. Moon had kindly offered his truck, a trailer and his back and he and Bug moved the beds, dressers and the couch.  Before they picked up their first piece I stopped them and reminded them that they are closer to 60 than 50.  Mr. Moon laughed and said that was very true.  His 60th birthday was in three days.  I suggested that maybe if he wanted to enjoy his birthday the two of them should be considerate of their bodies.  They laughed and did as they would do, but hopefully neither did any serious damage.

Ms Moon came over to the house to see it for the first time.  She had not seen it since it had holes in the walls and the house trashed.  Now it was mostly cleaned up, walls/ceilings repaired and painted not to mention all the other upgrades not meant to be seen.  She loved it and could see how happy we are.

We are very happy in our new home.
I say everyday more than once, "I love our home."
It is more amazing then I could imagine in my mind.  Soon, soon, I will get photos, but we are still moving in so changes happen constantly.

The phone and internet were turned off as scheduled the Friday after we moved.  However there was so problem said to imply technical difficulties and they might not be able to turn on the lines for thirty days.  They had very efficiently already turned off the other lines.  So now we could not even go back to the old place to return calls, use the internet, etc.  They said they sent an email to an address that was not either of ours.  They also had both of our cell phone numbers, but had not felt it important to let us know before the lines were turned off, that there was a complication.  Bug calmly explained their choices and ours and a few days later they were calling our cell phone to let us know that they were at the gate.  We now have phone and internet again.  We have very poor cell phone reception here, and for a little more than a week we were essentially cut off, and really I didn't mind.

I had been struggling with the move.  Emotions, being physical, not sleeping, just not feeling so great.  But the day before my treatment I mowed our yawn.  No, that is not a typo.  I call the area we fenced in for the dogs, the yawn.  It is the only yard and lawn we maintain.  Well, lawn is the stretch there.  It is a little grass, a lot of broadleaf weeds and the final majority is blackberry vines.  Spiny, spikey, ripping skin and catching clothes and fur.  I could try and spot treat it out.  It is entangled amongst the other weeds and the few sturdy grasses. I am sure there would be collateral damage and honestly when it is mowed you can almost walk barefoot on it.  I really enjoyed mowing it.  Driving that tractor mower around the fence line.  It is not a big area.  The hardest part was the yawn had grown so tall and thick the mower could barely chug thru ripping and tearing the too wet weeds.  It needed to be done, and better to get done then after the treatment, just in case. 

Wednesday, July 1st, I had my first infusion treatment.  The worse thing of the whole matter was that it was the US/Germany game.  We left the oncology center and had dinner at Appleby's just so we could watch the second half of the game.

I was a little taken back when the side effects started on Thursday.  Wednesday I needed to sit down a lot but no other side effects.  I really don't expect to have side effects until after the second treatment.  I mean other then a little blood in the urine.  Just enough to give a lovely pink tinge.  Actually I had less nausea then feared.  I was weak, tired, bone pain (not a listed symptom) and generally uncomfortable.  I also got back on the scales and was not happy to see that I had lost four pounds.  Then a few more mild side effects according to the list of mild/severe effects.  But of course I felt it was important to make up a few of mine, side effects that had a little more drama.  Loss of appetite was barely noticed which  helped for more weight loss.  Lots of bone pain, pain in my lungs and I swear one kidney is being a little difficult.  Those are not listed, but seem normal to me.  The most difficult, and I feel the most creative side effect I have invented is the feeling of wasps and hornets repeatedly stinging the bottom of my feet whenever there is any type of pressure.  My right ankle swelled slightly with red splotches and hot, then gave out.  It is much better now in that I can put weight on it again.  Remember my left ankle is the one I broke and wore the brace on, so again it makes sense that it might be vulnerable.  My other appendages also wanted some attention and soon had red splotches and lines that were much hotter then the rest of the arm/leg around them.  The splotches are gone except for the right inside leg.  From my knee to my ankle are various splotches and lines and extremely uncomfortable.  As I was taking my shower I realized that the red splotches were not red any longer but looked like fresh bruises, red, purplish still spreading out.  Now, that was on the list.  The list to immediately call your doctor.  I left a message, they called back and asked me to come in earlier so they could run my blood work earlier and see if there is a reason I should not continue with this treatment.

I know I keep saying that I am not fighting, but by allowing these WMDs and the war that followed in my body are getting a little hard to say I am not fighting.  But at this point, for what I have gone through this past week, I don't want to stop now.  I was held captive for almost four days, unable to walk, to spend more then a short time with loved ones. 

 Rob, JongAe and Jessica came to visit.  I was able to spend some time with them, but the stimuli would get to be too much and I would have to go down into the dark of our room and lay there.  I have had to cancel Christopher coming.  First of all I can not walk except with great necessity.  I can not drive down even part way to get him and Bug is not going to leave me for that long in this condition.  Thankfully he was not able to come up two weeks ago like planned.  His grandmother passed away, so this past week has been filled with small town mourning of a treasured member.  He needed to be there for that, and then he came down with a bad bug.  I can not be around sick people, so the guardian angels were watching over us all.   I called Pat and explained what was going on and told her I would call Christopher and explain.  I simply can not take care of even his simple needs since he is old enough to take care of himself.  And I can not ask Bug to add another person to feed and watch over.  He has enough to deal with already.  I am miserable that I can not have my Christopher.  Pat said she would try and get them up here one weekend for me.  That would be nice.

 Judy, the Director of the Murder Mystery, is a 17 year survivor of a very severe bone cancer.  I called her in for help.  I am down to 108 and I have got to get my act together and get back to living.  At this point, I have rested, slept and tried to allow the WMDs they infused into me wage their battle.  I looked at it that I am Switzerland, neutral.  The wmds and my body, hopefully mainly the cancer cells are waging a great battle inside of me.  I simply walk around, or lay around as an observer.  Unfortunately in all wars there are civilian casualties.  I am trying to avoid that.  Hence the call to Judy this morning.  And she helped me with all those things I needed to share with her.  The one person I truly can discuss anything.  I have special bonds with so many precious people.  Bonds with them about things that have happened to us together.  This is the time I call Judy. 

I have to say when I got off that scale my own life force surged upward.  I would not say I stood up ready to fight.  No, I didn't feel confrontational, it was more, like cheering for the World Cup.  I cheer more for a great game than for a team.  I decided to start cheering for Kathleen.  I can look right in my loved ones eyes and remind them that I am still here.  Inside where the war is waging, but the war and I are not the same.  This war will not take me with it.  I will not give in to fighting, but I am going to survive, and hopefully the damage will not be so bad.  I am a civilian in this war, and I need to have Judy remind me of the things we do when we are surviving.  And usually I can change my thinking (or as my brother and now his 11 year old daughter say, "do you have change for a paradigm?") and get back to living.

The house looks amazing, Bug is madly working at the chicken coop trying to get it ready for the chickens and ducks.  He has the metal roof on and the chicken yard fenced in with goat fencing to keep the dogs out of the area.  Bug has the material to build a lower roosting area on the first floor for George and the ducks.  I don't think George could make it up the plank to the nesting and roosting.  He sleeps on the ground and the ducks roost next to him.  So Bug is trying to make a comfortable spot for everyone.  We will worry about an area for babies later.  Right now we are focused on George, Willie, Lily, John C and his four remaining hens.  Camellia died on Friday after we moved here.  We knew she would not make it more then a couple of more days.  She was pale, not eating, still laying eggs.  I checked and could not find any blockage, but that doesn't mean anything.  She did not seem to be in discomfort.  She would make a little nest area in the grass each day and spend time dozing in the warm summer sun.  She allowed us to stroke her and she would nuzzle her head up to our hand and make little guttural chicken coos.  She was simply tired and ready to go, and when it was her time and just never woke up after a lovely afternoon nap.  Blessed be my sweet little Camie.  Such a sweet hen.

My friend Woody McCoy died.  Yes, he is one of those McCoys and one of his best friends was a Hatfield.  I know, knew them both and love them dearly.  Ceil's husband died of brain cancer about seven years ago.  Larry died of brain cancer over two years ago and now Woody has joined them.  He also died of cancer, but I do not know what kind.  He had smoked most of his life so it could have been lung, but really does it matter.  I know that death is not a bad thing and can be welcomed by those who have suffered or not lived long enough.  Of those with confidence in their beliefs of the hear after.  Death is hard for those who must live without you.  That is reason to be sad, to miss our loved ones not with us.  I am sad and miss Woody.  I have not seen him since Dub's funeral I think.  We moved that next year up here.  All of our lives were in flux, grand children, careers, health, retirements, our lives were turning towards the realities of middle age.  He is young to die for these days, sixties, but what does time have anything to do with it?  Life is not about time, but living.  Woody lived his life.  No one would argue that point.  Blessed be Woody.

So here I am in our new home. 
I am happy
I am very happy
My cousin Lori will be living in the state within the next three weeks.
Not near me, but still closer and in her beloved Florida
Bug and I are living each day as it comes
I rest more
We works more
I am trying very hard to have a small and a happy voice, even when I do not feel it because that is the least I can do for someone who works himself to exhaustion everyday.  He is not simply finishing the last details of a new home.  He is the only one packing and moving at this point from the old house here.  I help to unpack, but he is doing all of the packing and some of the unpacking.  He is also mowing both properties, taking care of the animals and now taking care of me and cleaning the house.  There was almost a week I could not help him with even the most basic needs.  He was doing it all.  And I was miserable.  But if he could cook for us, clean up after us, feed the dogs/cats and all the rest, I could at least smile and thank him for all that he is doing.  To let him know that I see more then he knew I did.  How much I appreciated his hard work.  Getting up everyday and doing the work for two.  He is amazing

I am having the last snack of the day.  I eat on the clock.  I am never hungry.  So at certain times each day I eat either a "meal" size or snack size portion.  I alternate between bigger balanced meals and smaller higher calorie meals.  I have been doing this all along, but not with the timing, so I may have missed a few more than I realized.  This seems to be working better.  I have no choice, it has to work.

And if I can not take the Gemzar?  If it is more than my body can handle we can hold and wait, or stop.  But as challenging as this past week has been, I may be plenty strong enough to keep taking treatments.  I am trying.  I may not be fighting, just too uncomfortable to even think about.  But now I hope that the chemical gives us a good game, and maybe, just maybe the chance I took will pay off and I will be 'well' again for more time.  Quality life for a little more quantity.  I was willing to take the bet.  I had referred to this treatment was to see what was behind Door No. 3.  She texted me asking about Door No. 3.  I said I should have stuck with the box and not gone for a door.  No, I am feeling stronger now.  I was able to wash laundry, including the sheets.  Clean sheets tonight.  sigh  I was able to do a few other small tasks and visit with Judy.  I am exhausted now, but tomorrow another treatment.  I need to rest and prepare for tomorrow and what surprises are still yet unseen behind Door No. 3.  It hasn't been pleasant and usually gets worse with each treatments.

Oh well, today I have my sense of humor and all I can think to say, is oh well.
Just happy to be here.