Sittin On A Porch

Sittin On A Porch
Our little back porch

Saturday, July 10, 2010

The biopsy of the thyroid did not show cancer.  That was the most likely candidate based on the tests we have conducted for the past 3 months.  Everyone was hoping for that because it is so easy to treat and cure.  The cancer was not determined based on my thyroid.  That is based on the malignant cells in the fluid on my lungs.  So, yes I still have cancer.  That did not change just because the organs we have tested have not been the origin.

I have an appointment with my oncologist Monday at 7:00 am.  Hopefully he will give me an idea of what the plan will be.  I think the plan is to start with breast cancer, but since I have not met this doctor yet, I don't know what his plan is and I look forward to hearing it. 

I was so disappointed yesterday to hear that it was not thyroid.  I wasn't sure that was it, because the path report had not come in and that is what I told everyone as I told them.  That is why I asked people to chant thyroid, thyroid to try and help it happen.  But it didn't.  We do know what it is not likely, like thyroid.  And we know that at least in the lungs where we have been watching it for 3 months, we know that it has been non-changed there.  That does not mean that it isn't growing elsewhere, but it is hopefully a good sign that it is not a fast moving aggressive cancer.  

I will continue to hope that it turns out to be treatable and curable.  But it is what it is.  And if positive thinking is all it takes, then I would be cured.  That is what Dr. Davis told me.  He said he has never met a more positive person, but that positive thinking alone was not going to cure this, but it was going to make everything better.  I am sure that there are special people who can create an entire universe just the way they want.  I have never met anyone with that power.  But that does not stop   me from being as positive as I can muster up.  This is a challenge where I plan on learning more about myself, learn about sharing pain and accepting love and care and help from friends, instead of always having to be the one to give.  I am already learning so much now, and my friends are helping me to grow.  Today I bought a reddish dress, very Marilyn Monroe "Some like it hot" that I plan to wear after my last treatment, whatever that is and whenever it is.  

I do not plan on fighting this disease.  I plan on taking one day at a time, and letting the medicine, which I now refer to the WMDs do the fighting and I will do the negotiating.  I am not a warrior.  I do not think that for me that is the way to deal with this.  Instead I will think of this as an adventure, a challenge that is not about winning or loosing, but about growing and learning to live with what I have each moment, each breath.

I am in constant discomfort.  I hate to say pain, because I do experience some very memorable pain on some days, like last Wednesday, but mostly it is just a constant ache from my neck to my waist and engulfing my entire chest.  I also have to constantly remember to eat.  It has been suggested repeatedly that I need to get something for the pain and the anxiety.  I will talk to the doctor about it.  But I have so much trouble with medication that I don't really want to take something that is going to make me sick before I have to start whatever treatments are deemed necessary based on the origin and stage of my cancer.  It may be a cake walk, it may be a struggle.  I don't know yet, but I know that I can face it my way, willingly, hopeful, and ready to face the challenge and learn what I am able to learn.  I do not think I have lessons set that I have to learn.  I do not believe in predestination.  But I do believe that if I am open the learning experiences will be there and I can choose to learn what I am open to.  It is my life and it is my decisions that will impact what happens to me.  And I am ready for it. 

I notice that I have hope and wish for the best outcomes, but have become more of a scientist then ever.  Magic is a wonderful thing to believe in, and I still believe in the magical parts of our world.  But there is a big difference between fairy tales and the science I must rely on to cure this disease and to strengthen myself back to a healthy person so I can enjoy the life I know I want.  As much as I have always enjoyed having the mystical, and magical and spiritual.  I didn't reach for those things when I had to face this.  I reached for science.  Not necessarily western medicine versus eastern medicine, because I think that both are a response to the scientist of different cultures.  But science was involved from the makeup of the plant, and how each part of the plant must be known  to know what it is made up of and what works best where for which disease.  No, I realize that I am agreeing to the standard concept of medicine in this world.  Because all I have to do is to focus on paying attention to what is going on around me and be as knowledgeable as I can about each step and what is working and what is not working or that has side affects that are unacceptable.  To search for options would be to put more on myself at a time when I do not feel I can afford expending the energy on searching and researching other options.  I would rather expend that energy on going with the flow, listening, learning about the disease, the possible treatments, the side affects, the affects to my body.  I also want to conserve energy to strengthen and build my body.  I also have not put away money that I am willing to spend on treatments that may or may not work as well as the standard meds that the insurance will cover.  I choose to not fight the insurance company, but instead keep good records and copies and obtain copies or all medical records, things I understand.  As soon as I find out what the doctor is planning then I can schedule my pool time.  And I have started walking more.  I am not up to walking everyday.  But every day I can, I walk at least around the house, even on the days I am laying on my back for the largest part of the day.  I don't want to end up laying down and not being able to get up.  Hopefully if I can keep getting up my life will be as full after this disease as before it.  

And I keep forgetting that I am sick.  I have to keep reminding myself that I am not insane or loosing my mind, I really have cancer.  I keep thinking that I am really fine, and I am just acting out for the attention.  Mary and Judy have learned to watch for this, because then I don't take as good of care of myself as I need and get run down and then end up flat on my back again.  A gentle reminder that maybe I really don't need to do everything.  And funny, it is so reassuring to say to myself.  Oh yeah, I have cancer.  Dang, it really isn't the big deal that it used to be.  I am going to get better, just listen, do the right thing, learn and enjoy the ride.


  1. Kathleen- you are the bravest and smartest woman I know. And I know some brave and smart women.
    I hope you know that you are not alone in this. Of course, in some ways you are- just as any of us would be. But in every way that you can NOT be alone- you have us. So many of us. Who love you to the very core of your being, the inner chambers and sweetness of your sweet, sweet heart.
    It's going to be okay. Your attitude, more than anything, is going to ensure this.
    Here I am.
    Here we all are.
    I love you.

  2. Glad to be here. I am scientist too. Keep the positive attitude. I do believe that is important in all of life.

  3. Ms Moon, my inspiration and role model of how wonderful a blog can be, thank you thank you thank you for everything that you are!

    Syd - it is wonderful to have another scientist here, thank you for stopping by.

  4. When you said "As much as I have always enjoyed having the mystical, and magical and spiritual. I didn't reach for those things when I had to face this. I reached for science." - it reminded me of what I heard a scientist friend of mine say about luck. As a scientist, she doesn't believe in luck, but she said that chance favors a prepared mind. Your plan for listening and learning is extremely wise.

    Thank you for sharing your journey.

  5. Juice - thank you for stopping by and your thoughts. It is so different writing a blog then reading everyone else's, and I truly appreciate your comments

  6. I'm honoured that you're sharing this with us..
    I send you every measure of love and cyber support possible.

  7. I look forward to reading your blog as you forge ahead. And anyone who is a friend of Ms. Moon's has to be the greatest --

    Love and healing to you --

  8. I love your attitude. I'm not a fighter either. I like how you explained that out.

  9. So good to meet you, Kathleen.

  10. "Instead I will think of this as an adventure, a challenge that is not about winning or loosing, but about growing and learning to live with what I have each moment, each breath."

    I think this is a very wise plan, Kathleen. I wish you all good things. And the thought of the red dress made me smile.