I had sat down and thought what is really important to me. Bug. Standing up in front of witnesses and committing my love to him. That is the most important. What is second most important? My loved ones. Whether family or friends, they are next most important to me. Everyone has been so much with me these past few years. Mary and Judy committed most of a year of their lives taking care of me during the first chemo. They saw me at my worst and held my hand and kissed my forehead and gave me a place to focus on to come back. And Denise and Glen and the rest of the family was there also. It was a community who came to me and extended their arms and took me in and got me through that first year.
And of course my Dad and brothers and their family. They have watched me go from the center maternal force in our family, to splitting up the duties and pulling together. Especially Rob/Jong Ae and Tom/Pat who to this day take the bulk of the load on taking care of Dad. Years ago I would come and take care of Mother and Daddy a lot more then I am able to now, and with their busy family lives they have stepped up and picked up what I can no longer do.
Don't get me wrong, i am still strong and healthy and capable of living a full life, but with treatments every three weeks or so, it makes it a bit harder to get to Dad's. Plus as Dad is aging, now 87, in June 88, he is almost too much for me at times. I love my Dad dearly, but if you are standing on the verge of sanity and you have a conversation with someone who has dementia, well, let me just say, it is not pretty. Conversations go much better if at least one person is able to follow along with the subject. And bless his sweet heart we gets confused and then angry and sometimes I just have to say, "Dad if we are going to fight on the phone, I am just going to call you back later." That usually, usually, snaps him back to his old self and we can finish our conversation. But I talk to him most days. There are some days I just don't have enough balance. My Dad loves me more then anyone on this planet and my little c has really devastated him.
I think the main reason I asked everyone to join us was because of the memories. I really don't care of lots of people around me. I prefer the solitude of my garden, a good book or spending time with Bug. I love to spend time with my friends, but since most of us are social hermits, so we like our alone time. But weddings are about traditions. "Something old, something new, Something borrowed, something blue, And a silver sixpence in her shoe." and making memories. I will always have the beautiful memory of walking into my friends and family with this wonderful, amazing man that is such an important of my life.
It will be a sweet memory to watch my 9 year old niece, dressed as a fairy, move through the crowd sprinkling flower petals.
To close my eyes and remember seeing my Dad and Bug's parents standing next to my Vicki, to see the brightness in Sioux's eyes, to look in the sweet, funny, silly, handsome man holding my hand. To spin around and see the love of such precious people coming together to share in those memories. And when I am gone, people will smile and have memories of such and happiness. That is why I want the focus on the people and the love. The sharing of a few precious moments together.
Bug's Mom and I went to Publix and I ordered the bride's cake. It will be iced all in white with a simple but elegant design. Three layers, two tiered, and in between the two tiers, then on top and surrounding the cake will be fresh flowers. Of course, I could not just pick out one cake, I had to take several of their design and put them together. The lovely woman at the Publix, where shopping is a pleasure, seemed nonplussed and wrote things out and then read them back to me, and it sounded perfect. It will be large, not huge and over bearing, but it will definitely hold it's own. What flowers will I use? What ever looks the most beautiful on Friday. Bug's parents are giving us the bride cake as our wedding present. My Dad is buying the flowers as his wedding present to us.
But you can not just have a cake, then you have to have the knife and server. So we had to fine those. And I ordered the groom's cake. I love the idea of a bride and grooms cake. It is an opportunity to have different flavors and personalities come together for one celebration. To have the flowers and feminine side, with light cake flavors and to have a more masculine cake in chocolate and fudge gives us the best of both worlds.
The cakes are ordered and will be picked up the morning of the wedding and I will put the flowers on then. I will pick up the flowers on Friday and make the flower wreaths for our hair and my bouquet and hopefully we can have just little glasses of flowers all around. Maybe all of this rain, sweet, quenching, dear, dear rain will bring out the flowers in my yard. The hard frost bit back the early blooming azaleas. Over night their bright coats of pinks and whites turned into brown coats hanging limply turning the yard from budding spring, back into winter. But we are getting long days of rain, steady water lightly drumming on the porch roof lolling Bug and I to sleep on our little couch. The cats nestled on our laps, the dogs asleep on our feet, a blanket pulled up to our chins cloaking us in one warm cocoon. The white lights twinkling above our head as the thrumming grows louder and then softer as the clouds lumber across the sky. I love sitting on our porch. A real screened in porch. Just the right size for this little family that has come together at this time in this place.
We have bought plates for the cover dish, plates for the cakes, We have bought plastic utensils that look like fine silver, the plates look like china. Fancy fancy. We have the knife and server for the cake, fancy again. We have bar napkins and dinner napkins, sorry, no wedding napkins. We run all day. Mom and leave the house around 11 and remember to eat lunch around 4 and usually don't get home until after 6. We shop and shop and mark things off our list, butter mints, check, serving platters, check. What in the world is taking us so much time and shopping?!?!?!!! I don't know. It means that I don' get to see Bug for most of the day and by the time I get home I am so tired. Shopping is not fun for me, it is OK, but mostly it just wears me to the bone. Dealing with people, having to make decisions right then or make the trip back. I am not great with the stress of having to make so many decisions. It is extremely stressful. I feel like I need to apologize constantly for being grumpy. My crazy meds can only help me with a certain amount of stress.
But just about the time that Bug and I go, "Let's just fly to Vegas" we hear from another sweet precious one who is coming to join us, and we remember what is important and why we are doing this. It is not about the stuff, it is about the people.
Have you noticed I don't talk much about what I want? Well, I am the one that wants as many loved ones around me as possible. For them and for me. I am the one that thought decorations, music, fancy location, no, what I want is our home, our yard, with a beautiful cake and lots of flowers. That is what makes me happy. I keep hearing from people that this is my day, my wedding and I should focus on myself, not on others. Well, first of all, it is not MY wedding, it is our wedding. Bugs and mine, our families, our friends. And what makes me the very most happiest of all? Is seeing joy and happiness in my loved ones.
I looked up the weather, on weddingweather.com and it predicts March to be a drier month then normal. Temperatures should be in the 70s, but I will know more in another week or so. At this time I am planning on wearing my white silk Gatsby dress with the gold and pearl mini beads. But it is light and sleeveless, so I may have to wear a shawl, or I might have to pick something else all together if it is cold. I have looked at clothes when we were out shopping and I have not seen anything, anywhere that interests me. As long as I have flowers in my hair, I am not concerned much beyond that. I did buy some makeup yesterday. I do want my husband to look at me and think I look beautiful. But that will come from the joy inside of me while at that moment I marry my best friend.
Oh, another gift has just been given to me. My precious one, Geeta asked what she could do, and I asked her to give Bug and I a traditional Hindi blessing. Vicki is doing a Celtic ceremony for us with a traditional blessing. But we can use all the blessing we can get. I was thinking of just a moment with Geeta, but she says she has the blessing printed out from her son Raju's engagement and so she will bring copies to share so they will understand what she says to us. How special. What a dear gift to share this with us.
I still have one more fairy dress to make for my sister-in-law who is the mother of my flower girl and who will be taking photos of the wedding for us. Then more cleaning and a special present to make for my flower girl. Lists to be poured over and new ones to be written.
But this weekend we will take a break. Bug and I are driving down to see my Dad tomorrow. Monday we will leave after breakfast and drive across the state to Titusville to celebrate Bug's Aunt's 82 or 83rd birthday. Then we will travel back home and start working on the yard getting it ready. Maybe another blessing of this wedding besides of all the loved ones coming, is that we are working hard on cleaning the house and the yard. It already looks wonderful and we have so much left to do.
And it looks like we will not be taking a 2 month honeymoon. Reality rears its ugly head at us. The Amazing Dr. McCutie Pie says it is not wise to take so long off the medication. And since I want to have as much quality time with my sweet dear, precious, handsome, wonderful and amazing husband as possible, we have decided to continue the chemo every 3 - 4 weeks. I am tolerating the treatment just fine this time. I think part of it is my attitude, but I think the biggest part is that most of us are over getting the stomach virus, the flu, the other flu or a cold, so dealing with chemo with out the flu is much easier then the other way. Maybe the Amazing Dr. McCutie Pie and his family might come to the wedding, maybe, he has a very busy schedule, but he knows he is considered one of our most favorite and precious friends, and if it works out we will be so very pleased to have him here.
There is a short break in the rain, so I need to go out and get something done in the yard. And really, how much rambling does anyone need to write. But my mind and my fingers are happy to type out the letters and words and sentences and to have happy memories written down of this time.
Life is so wonderful, and I am so very very happy.