Sittin On A Porch

Sittin On A Porch
Our little back porch

Monday, July 12, 2010

A New Lost Post

Ok, so I was saying something about writing a script for a mammogram and he wrote "ASAP" on it.  So after the doctor's visit we ran over to The Radiology place and showed them the script they got me in this morning at 10.  Just enough time to run to Panera's for breakfast.  I told the technician that I had cancer but we don't know where it is originating so do her best work.  It didn't matter if it was yea or nay,  I needed to know.  So she took the first shots and then brought out another screen to make sure that she had gotten clear shots.  She was very nice.

So we headed home late morning.  I can't believe that I have a cancer that we can't find the origin, maybe because it is too small to detect with the standard tests as the doctor puts it.   Metastatic Cancer on the lungs from an unknown Source, really, how silly is all of this?  Does this mean I have weanie cancer?  Not really important cancer, just pitiful hiding nameless cancer?  So does that mean that one cancer is more important then another cancer.  Hmmm, I know that there are some cancers I don't want.  I had hoped I had thyroid cancer.  I was hoping that I did not have pancreatic cancer.  So obviously for me some cancers are definitely worse then others.  Well since it is my cancer, my nameless, hiding, puny little cancer, that is the worse kind I can think of.  Mostly because I don't have the others.  

I once took a Moming Bozo Ensemble class at a clown, mime, puppet, storyteller workshop in Chicago.  It was this wild group of clowns who worked O'hare Airport.  They only clowned when they felt like it.  They had a white face and didn't talk, but worked in groups.  Sort of gangster mime thugs.  It was a very physical and demanding clowning and most of us in the class were also in the fire eating class, so we had burned lips and tongues, and broken fingers and sprained ankles and one broken arm.  We did not fit in all that great with all the other people at the clown conference, but that didn't bother any of us.  Moming means "No Name" in whatever Chinese dialect it is.  Hmmm maybe I will call my cancer, the Wee Moming Malignant Crazy Party Cell Thingie  or WMMCPCT.  Well, it doesn't exactly roll off the ole tongue, but at least I feel better that it has a name.

So I asked my Doctor if I would be able to go to Spain with my 85 year old Dad.  He said "Sure!"    Mary and I were both shocked.  I told him it was only 9 weeks away.  He said that if there was a problem he would write a letter to the airlines to take care of the tickets.  Hmmmm, He said he wanted to do 3 sessions of chemo then check to see if it looked like we were on the right track.  So, I am confused, if I have 9 weeks until we leave for Spain, and we have not started chemo and he thinks that he wants to do 3 sessions 3 weeks apart, that just does not add up in my book.  And if I oh, I don't know, get a little run down from the chemo, I am going to be able to take my dad to Spain?  Did I mention that my Dad is 85 and has a terrible back which is crumbling from severe arthritis?  And that Dad has trouble walking more then 20 steps or so?  I was hoping that he would just say, well, at this point, I would not make any reservations until we see how things go.  I wanted him to say that so I could tell that to Dad.  So instead I told Dad my math and just left the Doc's opinion out.  And Dad does not want to buy tickets that we know will have to be changed.  And then he tells me that I have to out live him.  That in his opinion it is not natural anymore for a parent to out live a child and I was not to go before him.  I said ok, no worries Dad.  I promise not to go before you.   This is not the first time one of my parents has said that to me.  I can remember as a young child my mother telling me that.  I don't remember when, but if you are going to say something like that to a young child, I would bet that the best opportunity would be their first day of kindergarten.  Really, isn't that something you can imagine a parent saying, "Are you excited about your first day of kindergarten?  You are going to have so much fun and learn so many things and make new friends, oh, and be careful because you have to out live your father and I."  I am not saying it went down that way, but really that would fit my family.  We have a very dark, dry, morose, silly humor, sort of the Addams family meets The Marx Brothers.  

So, I wrote about a bunch of other stuff, and really it was pretty dark and unnecessary, so maybe it was a good thing that my computer lost it.  I must have affected the computers electronic systems by being negative.  Whew, I am glad that has passed.  I have cancer.  It is what it is.  It still has to be dealt with some time, some way, so in hopes of getting this over and getting my stamina back, I accept that I have a weanie, hiding, irritating cancer, I have WMMCPCT.  And I have an oncologist and he is going to do his best to deal with this and get rid of it, and that is all I know at this time.  The bone scan tomorrow, and maybe by the end of the week, Mary, Sweetie and I will be sitting in the doctor's office again and he will be telling us an actual name, or a more specific name, and/or he will be telling us how he would like to deal with this.

And Vicki and I were supposed to go to Salem, Ma this Halloween and she had bought her ticket and was I just about to when I realized that something was wrong, and I should wait to buy my tickets.  I wished I could have told Vicki not to, but I started this by getting with her for the dates she could travel, and then boom, I got sicker.  So she is having her tickets switched to come her.  Vicki is coming.  I didn't realize how much I needed her.  I kept thinking I will see her in October.  If  I need her she will come, but I hated for her to miss work.   But she will come here probably in October like our trip to Salem.  I can't wait to have her here.  I have a lot of people I love from elementary and high school.  But Vicki and I are still together.  We just belong together.   We are two halves of the same heart.  One soul in two places and she will be here.  Thank you.  We will laugh until we cackle and snort.  We will have Mary and Sweetie and Lovely and all of our other friends, because they all know Vicki and we will get together and eat caviar and drink champagne (or seltzer water) and celebrate Vicki being here.and my birthday.  Vicki turned double nickels 10 days ago.  I will have turned double nickels a few days before she comes for halloween.  And you better believe we will put on costumes and celebrate Samhain.  And next year we will go to Salem.

I am tired, sweet dreams.


  1. It gives me great comfort to know that Vicki is coming at some point and would be here tomorrow if you asked her. It also gave me great comfort when Dr. B. said, "I am looking forward to helping you through this," or something like that. I can't remember exactly. But the way he said it made it sound as if this was a process which you are going to go through and then come out the other end.
    Wearing a red dress.
    Laughing and snorting.
    I am looking forward to that with all my heart.
    Sweet dreams, darling. Sweet dreams.

  2. Spain! Barcelona? The coast? What fun!

    Your dark parts are safe here with us.

    Sweet deeams Kathleen the Bestower of Chickens

  3. I am sorry to be so technical but here is a good site for some information:
    I am a reading fanatic and want to know as much as I can about a variety of topics.
    I hope that you do go to Spain.

  4. Hello! A Ms Moon visitor here :)

    I'm glad you wrote about Vicki tonight, when I wrote about my friend -the other half of my soul, too. Everyone needs THAT person in their lives.

  5. I sincerely hope is is VERY puny cancer.

    I am thinking of you.



  6. Yeah, a cowardly cancer for sure. It knows it's about to get a whuppin'