Sittin On A Porch

Sittin On A Porch
Our little back porch

Monday, July 26, 2010


I am preparing for the journey.  It is funny how I didn't plan on this.  But it is as natural as picking blackberries in the summer or planting lettuce in the fall.  The instinct just came out and I have started sleeping in my sick room.  I know that is an odd name for the room.  But it is where I want to go when I am sick because it doesn't look like a room that you will stay sick in.  it is bright and filled with light.  There is a rattan love seat that I love, and a wooden table that you can take completely  apart and store out of the way, but is put together now in its cubby hole with my sewing machine sitting next to the lamp.  Plenty of space to put things. And a clock.  There is a dresser that I put extra sheets in and some  comfy sleep things.  A ceiling fan and the bed is just big enough for Bob and Luna and I.  Just a perfect little nest.

The bathroom is just around the corner and quite convenient.  My bedroom is bigger with a giant bed, and has the open bathroom connected, but it is dark with only one window and it looks like a room that could just swallow you up .  

At the Opera House this weekend I saw so many people who have been through cancer themselves or have  been in the health care industry and taken care of people with cancer.  It was an eye opener.  These are all survivors and people with full and happy lives, and the total understanding of what I am getting ready to go through is unnerving.  I can see something in there eyes that I can not possibly know or understand until I am in the midst?  After the first treatment?  Not until I am through the treatments?  Until they say you are in remission?  I don't know.  And I understand that my mind is like a blank canvas.  I have no idea what it is going to be like.  I have tried to imagine, to prepare, and other then the nesting habits, doing all the laundry in the house and getting it all neatly put away, Buying extra animal feed, filling the car with things for the dump to make sure that everything is done and complete.

But my body.  I simply have tried to understand how I will feel and what can I do.  I have no idea.  Period.  None.  

And I am mentally tired.  Everyone is so concerned and wanting to share and help and do things, and I don't know what to say.  I don't know what to say, what needs to be done.  I think that everyone will know what they should do when it is time.  And if I need a ride, I know who to call.  And if I need to eat, I know others that will be there.  But the hard part for me is the asking.  And this is not from not wanting to impose.  It is just a lot to be trying to keep a positive outlook, think about all the things that need to be thought of and to then to also try and organize other people.  It is just too much.  And I know that sounded horrible and I don't mean it in a horrible way at all.  I mean the support has just been overwhelming, and I feel overwhelmed. 

But I am getting to see the best of people.  The true, concerned, loving, giving, sharing best of people, and I hope they understand that it is not a lack of desire to have their gifts.  It is a total overwhelming of I don't know where to start.  What I should be doing or what I will be doing or how do I contact all of these people for their assistance.  That is what is the hardest.  And right this minute I am fine.  Really, I have had this cancer for who knows how long and yesterday I washed the dogs, took everything I could load in my car to the dump, cleaned up some around the house, washed everything I could put in the washer and folded it up neatly and put everything in its place.  I bought presents, and wrapped them.  I went to Casa Luna and was wrapped up in love and sweetness and kindness and felt so accepted for just me.  The grand babies were crawling and running and smiling those heart breaking smiles. The children who have all grown into the most amazing adults laughed and hugged me and just let me know that I am part of this extended family of people who want to be together because they love each other, for exactly who they are.  And we ate delicious pizza and salad and Jessie's cake, and everything was perfect.  I only stayed for a little while, and no one minded.  And I got to hug Ms Moon and tell her how much I love her.  And she smiled and talked about filming the movie.  And life just keeps moving forward.

And the three baby peeps are doing so well.  Their two mamas cluck and worry over them and the little peeps scratch and peep and flutter around their mamas.  And the bunnies are building porches on their little tunnels and hardly even move anymore when Bob comes racing through.  I have caught him a couple of times with a tiny bunny that he is fleaing and loving on.  The baby seems a tad confused.  Bob a bit overzealous, but he is learning the difference between a stuffed bunny and a live one, and that is a good thing.

And I am just a regular normal person for the next few days.  And I am feeling completely unprepared, and yet completely where I should be.  Thursday my nephew Christopher will come to stay with me.  And then on Friday he will go with me to my radiation treatment and then we will drive to Lake City to pick up his older brother and bring him back to the house.  And we will have some family time together.  Then next week Christopher will stay here with me and go to space camp.  And this 10 year old nephew of mine, this youngest child of my youngest brother and I will get to spend time together.  I have spent time with his older brother when he was younger, and now I get to spend time with this one.  I have older nieces and nephews, specifically Cole and Corie.  They are both happily married, Cole and Amanda have a beautiful son and Corie and Andy have two adorable children, a girl and a boy.  I spent some time with them when they were young, but all of our lives were in a different place then and so we did not get to bond as much as I would have liked, but life is ever evolving, and just because I could not spend the time with them then that I have now to share, does not mean that I will loose the opportunity with this nephew. 

And I also have Annie and Jim.  My college friend, Susan's children.  I got to spend more time with them when they were growing up because I would work in G'ville and get to stay with them at that time.  And then I have my youngest Niece, Jessica.  She will be in first grade next year.  These children are all amazing and I am so fortunate to have them in my life.  And now I will get to spend time with one of them.  Just to myself.  I hope that I am feeling up to this.  He will be in space camp and I will be in my second week of radiation.

The count down is also on for Vicki coming.  That is giving me peace.  Knowing that my Vicki will be here.  My friend who has shared a heart with me for most of our lives.  And I know that others will come also.  And I don't care that it is taking cancer for us to make sure that we get to spend time with each other.  I am grateful that those who can come will, and those who can't will call or email or just stop for a moment once in a while and think loving thoughts.  And know those thoughts will extend past me and each of us who is being touched by this gift are thinking about a lot of people and sending loving postive thoughts out to them also.

Finally, I have to say that I am getting tired.  I am sure that I will get my second wind soon.  But just the process of scheduling and waiting, testing, and preparing takes so long.  Well, not really so long, but it feels likes that because of the unknown.  Very much like we have all been here along the gulf coast.  We know that their is oil being released into our precious warm waters of our beloved gulf.  One of the planets nurseries, cradle of life, The snow melts at the top of the planet and gathers nutrients and mud and dna and pieces of here and there and ends up in the warm life giving salt water of our gulf and it is frutiful and bountiful.  We know that this oil is changing the environment, rapidly, but we can not see how this is going to impact us.  Not just the people us, but all lving things "us".  We don't want to wish for the  worst, but we don't know what is good or bad anymore.  We don't know if the places we love, the animals we love, the world that has been so many of our homes for our entire lives will be the same or different.  That is what it is like for me with the cancer. 

But to worry about will I be "fine", hmmmm.  Will my life be the same.  I know that one.  Life will not be the same.  Because as each moment is here it must pass on, die, go away so that the next moment can be here.  We spend each and every day of our lives living and dying, gaining, learning and loosing.  To live in the moment to learn what is there at that very instant, to appreciate it, to let it go so that the next moment can arise.  That is life.  And that is another reason why it is hard to imagine the future, because what is at the end of every journey is only one moment in that journey.  And to focus on the end means to loose the moments of the journey.  So if the greatest gift I ever give myself, is to let it be, to appreciate this very moment.  This cancer, this day, this life, this exact situation, and to remember that it is a gift and that I have seen and experienced and felt the most open, loving, kindness.  I have been welcomed into so many peoples thoughts and concerns.  The worry, concern, affection, love, desire to help,  it is all there and let me tell you, it is strength and energy and if I listen carefully and live in this moment, then no matter what is to happen, it will just be another passing moment, to remember and appreciate. 


  1. I just can't tell you how much I love you and how gracious you are being in accepting any thing that I can give you and letting me know if I am being too much or not enough. I trust in your graciousness in that regard because you are full of grace.
    Kathleen, Full of Grace.
    Thank-you for sharing. Everything.

  2. A woman i just couldn't help but fallin love with, was diagnosed with cancer several years ago. And it was taxing on her- not to ask for help..but to try to schedule allthe people who wanted to help her! :) and make sure she stayed as healthy as she could. Finally two of her good friends just took it over for her. One moved in to help manage the day to day and another put togther a schedule for everyone to see who was doing what. It removed so much weight from her and allowed her to just focus on each day and on her 3 beautiful girls. I only tell you this, because someitmes it is the "helping" we need tht is the very thing that wears us out. You are internet savvy...maybe you could add a locked calendar page for just a few friends where you can post how you are feeling and what you may need that way maybe it wont seem so hard to ask.
    Peace and wellness to you today.

  3. Kathleen,
    I think of you often. I am wishing you the very best.



  4. A great and courageous attitude. Lots of positive energy is a good thing.