Sittin On A Porch

Sittin On A Porch
Our little back porch

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

My ego

I am having a quiet slow day.  I had to wait for the satellite guy to show up to figure out why I can't get local stations and by the time he got here, dealt with the problem and then left, I was sitting quietly reading a book and it seemed like the right thing to do for the rest of the day.  I have stayed up too late the last couple of nights because of the auditions for Sin, Sex and the CIA and having animals means that I still have to get up about the same time each morning to feed them, and then I  can't seem to lay back down and get anymore sleep.  I might try and take a nap later, we will see.  

Here is the problem with auditions for me.  
My ego.

I am such a ham and as I have said many times, I love auditions.  I love directing or stage managing because I get to play the parts with out the pressure of memorizing lines or letting anyone down by screwing things up out on stage in front of an audience.  And I audition well.  And I have a big enough ego that when people flatter me with compliments, I eat them up.  Then I get home and the reality of what I have done rolls over me like a steam roller.  

The newspaper article was not lying when it referred to me as the reluctant thespian.  I love being a part of a show.  I love directing, stage managing with good directors, and doing back stage work.  I love love love being a part of that whole process.  And sometimes I end up acting because I was fool enough to audition, but honestly, I don't love it.  I really don't love it.  People say I have talent with the big physical comedy.  Of course that comes from my years as a professional clown.  A profession I retired from because I just wasn't enjoying getting out there in front of people.  I taught this type of movement and "acting" in my clown classes, so I do understand it.  But just because I love auditioning for a part in front of a small group of very supportive people, with the script in front of me, does not mean that I will enjoy playing that part on the stage.  I wish it did, but it just doesn't

So now I have auditioned for this play.  I am very impressed with our Director and I like her.  I like her a lot for barely knowing her, and she is good from what I have seen so far, but I keep sending her mixed signals, and I feel terribly guilty about this.  I feel almost like a tease.  You know those woman who act like they want something from a man, but then don't follow through.  But as my friends will tell you, if I make the commitment, I will follow through.  So the right thing to do, is not audition, instead I should wait until after the auditions are over, then go to the Director and see if I can get a spot on the crew.  Because if I go to the auditions, I will audition, and I can not audition without giving it my all.

But what if I get a part, and I have my stomach issues?  One way to avoid stomach issues is simply not to eat.  But I can not go 3 weeks without eating.  And even going 3 days without eating doesn't seem smart when I am already struggling with my weight.  I have always lost weight during a play because I don't do well eating late and then sleeping, so either I eat or I sleep.  That is not a great choice in that I need to do both.  And what if my chemo brain causes me to short circuit and I can't remember my lines?  I don't even know if I can memorize lines on chemo brain.  The chemo brain will go away after you have stopped taking the chemo and the after effects get out of your system.  Oh right, I take chemo everyday, and will for the rest of my life.  I am not complaining, it is keeping me alive, but what if I let everyone down?

I have to say that after watching the auditions for the last 2 nights, I am amazed at the depth of talent we have in our little Stage Company.  Last night it was about half Stage Company people and the other half were actors mostly from the Tallahassee area.  And the people I thought had the most talent were our own Stage Company actors.  Yes, I know that sounds prejudice, but really, I guess I always took it for granted how good these fellow actors are.  I never realized how many really good people we do have.  Jack, Jan, Pat and Mary were just wonderful in whatever they read.  Amanda, who did her first play this spring with the Murder Mystery is amazing.  I mean we could tell she had it when we cast her.  And all the cast and crew work together during our plays giving to each other so that the shows quality is higher because of the selfless way the actors share with each other.  We worked with Amanda like we did with each actor, and she blossomed forth with this natural ability and timing and was wonderful.  Truly wonderful.  Here she is back trying out for her second play and her talents just float around her like her beauty.  It is just who she is.  Sweet, lovely and talented.  And she wants to play with us!!!!  Amazing.  

Stephen Webster is not new to the stage, but he did his first play with our stage company in the Spring murder mystery and Stephen and Amanda were the love interest.  And they were good.   They had sparks, chemistry, and timing, not to mention how much fun to play with them.  Stephen is great with big physical comedy and it showed last night.  There was another man there who auditioned and he also is good.  But certainly not better then Stephen or Jack.  

Carolyn also has talent, but the big physical comedy isn't as easy for her.  She does our radio plays each year because it is hard to find parts for her in a lot of the plays we do, but she loves the radio plays, and her performances in these parts are good, really good.  

Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying that the other people didn't have talent, OK, maybe I would say that about one of the people.  But the others did have talent of varying ability.  Some of the young ladies are like Amanda, just screaming talent and each play they are in they just get better and better.  But as a whole it was just noticeable how much talent on a whole in every aspect of a production our stage company holds.  I wish we could do a play with all the people who auditioned in front of our Opera House Board of Directors because I don't think they realize how amazing our stage company is.  I honestly didn't, and even Mary made a comment to me last night that she had never realized how much talent there is in our own little group.

Then there is M&M productions  This is the stage company at the Opera House that does the musicals and kids show.  It is run by a talented director.  She has acted her whole life, and did it professionally for a while, and she is a good coach and really brings out the talent in so many people, especially the young people in our county.  I hope that as they grow up that they will eventually try out for some of the stage company plays.  They do stay busy with the musicals and these kids can sing and dance besides act.  For such a small community, Monticello and our Opera House has really drawn in an amazing world of people and talents of all kind.  

So I have no idea if I will be cast in a part, but I did email the Director and asked her to call me when she had time.  I want to explain my fears of potential problems.  I have a big enough ego that I want her to cast me.  I have enough fear to hope she does not, and I know that which ever way it goes, I can be a part of this production in front of or behind the curtain.  

I just want to be a part of this amazing group and play with my friends.  Shoot, I think I am getting stomach issues just worrying over this.  sigh

I went to my HOPE class on Tuesday  I over did it a bit on the weight machines.  I am tired of looking old and scrawny.  I want a strong and toned body.  I am not looking to be 20 again.  I want the best body I can have at 55 with Stage 4 lung cancer.  I want to be able to do the tree pose, or the dancer pose or the stork or crane.  I want to have a body that can do that.  So I worked hard on the machines.  My trainer Cindy was not there when I first started, so I started by myself.  I read each machine's instructions, looked at which muscle groups were targeted and worked my way through the machines.  I adjusted the weight doing the maximum amount I could handle comfortably.  I pushed myself hard.  I did 2 repetitions.  I tried to keep my posture tall and lean as I worked.  It is going to take time to build these muscles lost over the last 2 years.  They will grow strong, but will never be what they once were.  That is not just about cancer, that is part of aging.  But cancer does emphasize the aging and loss, and does it only taking.  It was warm in the Y.  Everyone was sweating, I even perspired.  After 45 minutes of working in the exercise room I went up to chair yoga.  

I know chair yoga sounds like easy yoga, but I have to tell you, it is what you make it.  And the stretches she took us through yesterday were thorough and really worked all the muscle groups from the top of my head to the tip of my toes, through my shoulders down to my finger tips.  Not all of chair yoga is sitting.  We do some stretches standing up using the chair for balance as needed.  After 30 minutes of chair yoga I walked downtown to get some lunch.  

OK, hind sight is 20/20 and it is probably not a good idea to eat a tuna fish sandwich before going to yoga class and doing downward facing dog.  Our class mantra is peace/release.  Mine Tuesday was don't throw up, don't throw up.  Tomorrow I will either skip lunch or pick something that won't be as big of a problem.  The woman next to me at the floor yoga class teaches the body attack class and the body pump class.  She seems like a nice person and is very attractive in that steroid body building sort of way.  I am sure she is not into steroids, I don't mean to say anything against her, it was just a picture of extremes.  Scrawny me that can fold myself up into a milk box but little strength or balance and this well defined muscled woman who has good balance and strength but no flexibility.  I like the instructor of this class she manages to help each of us to reach our personal best in class.  And like the woman next to me, we have every possible type of person in this class.  She is so supportive but not sickening sweet with it.  She makes you feel successful and welcome.  

After class I drove home stopping to put my top up for the rain.  I got home and took care of a couple of things before heading down to the Opera House for auditions.  I need to get more rest.  

I did talk to the Director of the play today and explained that I was not bipolar, just nervous about letting people down.  She was so sweet and funny and said that she wants me to come back to the Opera House tomorrow for call backs for Ranger Don.  I said I would be there.

Ednarose woke me up this morning with a dead frog.  Yep, that is one way to wake up.  With a dead frog on your face.  She had gutted it so there was a little hollow for my nose.  Of course it flew across the room as I sat up with the dead cold thing on my face.  Thank goodness I did not find out what it was until after I had gotten up and out of bed.  I kept throwing it out the door and she kept finding it and bringing it back in, flipping it in the air and playing with it.  I finally got it from her when I was in the kitchen next to the garbage can.  Before I had never been near the garbage, hence the reason for throwing it out the door.  But rest in peace it is gone now.

Ednarose is getting sweeter everyday, but the satellite guy looked at her like she was a leper or a hyena crossed with a baboon or that she was contagious.  She is none of those things.  Well, I am not sure about the hyena and baboon part, but the rest I am pretty positive about.  So she is not the prettiest dog at this point.  I mean with the no hair and all.  But she does have sweet eyes and her knot on her head is becoming defined and I think by the time she is one year, she will be a beautiful black female lab.  She does hold her tail a little proud, but she is a little wild yet.  Hopefully as she grows she will hold her tail down, but I would not be surprised if she doesn't hold herself a little prouder then your respectable lab should do.

Well, this has taken me all day to write.  I have just taken it slow and easy.  I needed this and I will go to bed earlier tonight.  

The hummingbird flew in the back door today.  It made me smile until I realized that the feeders were empty.  So I filled them back up and the hummer has been happily eating since.

This is Labor day weekend.  It is supposed to rain, I have no plans so that is fine with me.  I am hoping to spend a quiet holiday weekend.  Maybe finish my book and then decide which one to start next.  Maybe do some of the yard work, well when it is not raining.  Maybe take a ride with the top down or not.  I don't know lots of possibilities and the world is my oyster.  Oh!  It is September, oyster season!  Oh joy!  I do have such a wonderful life.  

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