Sittin On A Porch

Sittin On A Porch
Our little back porch

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Getting ready for St. George

Thursday morning I got up early, fed the animals and did some cleaning around the house.  I even put a few plants into the garden.  Then I dressed in my new workout clothes and drove the Malibu to Thomasville to the Y.  

As I walked through the door, there was my trainer and her mom smiling, energetic and happy.  A nice way to start a workout.  A nice way to start a day.  I walked in and tried my warm up on an elliptical machine.  I did my 5 minute warm up and then Cindy took me through the machines again.  I have never worked with a trainer before, but I can see why the rich and famous hire them.  Mine is so supportive, up, and knowledgeable.  She cheers me on, answers my questions, provides enough information on her own to keep me interested and doing my best without overwhelming me.  After a little more vigorous workout I went up to the chair yoga class.  It was a smaller class today and a different teacher.  I had really liked the previous instructor.  She is a nice young woman with an infectious smile.  But this instructor has a calm, patient air about her that works well for me.

She took us through the program and afterwards I felt my energy level up.  I have to say that since Tuesday I have felt energetic, more focused and less anxious.  I think more then the minimal amount of exercise that I have accomplished is more a sense of doing something for myself.  Joining this exercise program has given me 2 days in my week of routine, it has gotten me up and moving.  I am a mover, but it has been so unfocused lately.  I wander from project to project leaving each one half completed.  I had to force myself to do that much.  Now, just 2 days in this program and I feel a little less lost.

After armchair yoga I went back to the HOPE room and did a 15 minute mile on the treadmill.  Still not that greatest of time, but better then Tuesday.  OK, mostly it is better because I have figured out the machine a little better.  Then I picked up a quick salad for lunch and back to the Y for the full yoga class.  There were maybe a dozen people in the class my age or older.  I picked a spot in a back corner where I wouldn't embarrass myself.  It seemed like most of the people in the class had at least a familiarization with each other.  The instructor came in and turned the lights down, put on some music and off we went.  I knew the positions from classes I have taken before, even though it has been a long time.  So I could keep up pretty well.  My flexibility was equal to those in the class, but my balance is truly pitiful.  Mostly because I have such little core strength to hold me up.  But the class went along just fine until we came to the pigeon position.  I have never heard of that position.  All the other positions I was good, but pigeon, nope, that was knew to me and as I looked around to those people near me to see what to do.  No one was doing the same thing.  So I just did the best I could and then picked back up when we moved back to the positions I knew better.  I think I have done that position, but I seriously do not have any memory of it being called pigeon.  At the end of the class we spend 5 – 7 minutes in quiet meditation doing the corpse position.  I love yoga classes that make time for the “nap” at the end.  OK, I have never napped, but I am normal  and struggle with the that time to clear my mind, to do away with the stress and cares of the day.  But I felt good and for me I stayed in the moment a lot longer then I have in the past.  I think it had just been so long since I had done any yoga and felt that calm, peaceful, flow of endorphins slowing the anxiety.  I just breathed and enjoyed all those good rushes and stayed in the moment.  It is a starting place.  After class the instructor came up and talked to me about my yoga.  We discussed my previous experience with yoga and how long it had been since I took any classes.  Then she showed me the pigeon position.  I am sure that I have been in a similar position, but I am not sure that anyone ever called it pigeon.  I have found in yoga that sometimes different positions can have a different name.  For the most part I have found that most instructors use the common names of the positions and that does help to walk into a new class and be able to join in.  

I felt like Tuesday was a good start, but Thursday, I actually participated fully and could feel the difference.  That temporary tightness from the weight machines and that euphoric flexibility of yoga. 

I left the Y and headed over to the Oncology Center to have my blood drawn for the monthly blood work tests.  Then I scooted home, changed and Ms Judy picked me up to take me to get my toy.  I was in Florida before I had seen the rain, and I gather it was pretty hard out where Ms Judy lives.  I went through some spotty hard rain, but for the most part, it was a nice steady drizzle from Monticello south.  I showered and changed and then headed out to the barn.  I sat in the open door of my big yellow barn and watched the steady drizzle.  I looked over to my bird bell and it looked so beautiful in the rain. The bird looked like a water fowl getting ready to take up and off out of a lake.  Up through the drizzle and rain up high into the sunlight.  Ms Judy picked me up and off we headed into town.  It was slow going and we had said we would be there by 4:30, but it turned out to be 5:30 by the time we got there.  Bless there hearts they had sat and waited on me.  I felt so bad, but they took it with kindness, and I knew that when you are depending on rides in the summer rain, it is just not always going to work out the way you might do it on your own.  And who knows if I would have known to start that much earlier to make sure that I got there on time.  All that matters is that they were kind, and I got my toy back. 

I drove to Janak, Geeta and Baa’s for dinner.  It was just the four of us and we had a lovely time.  Geeta and I walked around her garden and had a few quiet moments together.  The food was delicious and Geeta filled containers full and sent them home with me, so I have plenty of food this weekend.  I dove home in my toy with the top down and rain cooled evening blew through the car and I was so happy.  Good food, good friends, a day filled with doing things for myself and with those I love.  I got home and slept well.

Friday morning I got up and ran a few errands making sure that I would have enough animal food while I am gone.  Mid morning Richard and Colleen drove up with my airstream.  My beloved airstream.  I have not gone in and looked in it.  There will be time to go in and clean and get it fixed up later.  But for now my baby is home.  We had a lovely visit.  Very low key, no big deal, just sat around and had some wonderful food and talked and laughed and watched movies.  We were all exhausted and were in bed by 8:30.  I slept in the guest room with the kids.  I wanted to be in that room that in the morning fills with sunlight.  I also wanted to give the bigger bed to the two of them.  I woke around 9:30pm and did not sleep more then 20 minutes at a time after that.  I got up and tried eating a little something.  Nope. I tried taking some anxiety pills, nope.  I trying a cup of chamomile tea, reading, watching TV, going on the computer.  All night I battled with Endarose and sleeplessness.  It has been a long time since I have had this problem.  I had been so relaxed from yoga, and now here I am sleepless.  Now I realize that most of this was Ednarose getting up and down all night.  Normally, I just turn the air conditioner off and open the back door for the kids to come and go as they like and so that means less interruptions.  I also recognize that I was going to loose 2 days of planning and getting ready for the trip that I had thought I had.  And it has been a busy week, so I have managed to get somethings done, but most things still need to be done.  And I have the anxiety back so bad I don’t even want to go to the beach now.

Richard and Colleen left mid morning and I hoped to get dress and run to the store and get things done and back on track.  But I do not function well without sleep.  Especially when I am filled with anxiety.  I don’t know how people live like this.  I have my days of anxiety, but then with no sleep I simply was not functioning.  Then everyone started calling me with their plans. Who wanted what bedroom, which cars should we take, how do we get this out there, or that.  I don’t want to buy food for one day.  On and on it went.  If I had sleep and was not becoming paralyzed with anxiety this would have been a fun part of the trip.  Talking and planning.  But I recognized a couple of weeks ago that I was not up to planning this trip beyond getting the reservation taken care of.  Getting those important to me to the Moondance on the right days.  And after that all I wanted was to drive my convertible out to the beach.  I wanted to have dinner for those arriving the first day and breakfast the next morning.  Other then that I would make sure that I had food for my one day, and if everyone did the same, then we would have all the food taken care of for the week.  And if there was something special someone wanted, I just assumed they would take care of it. 

I know I need sleep.  I am anxious and depressed at this moment.  I have to leave for the Opera House to volunteer for the food booth at the Karaoke thing tonight.  I had a busy schedule and then it got busier.  And I don’t regret getting to be with the people I got to visit with.  That was a surprise.  And it is really no big deal.  We will get there and everything will work out.  But with no sleep, and clenching my jaw until my teeth hurt today, I would just rather not go.  This is not fun for me at the moment.  I am hearing people telling me not to make their schedule when I said I would do yoga each morning and evening and walk on the beach at least an hour twice a day.  Easy goals I thought for myself.  And I guess I made people feel like I was planning the week.  I have tried to be very clear that I did not want to plan the week.  I just wanted to go to the beach with my dearest friends and relax, swim in the warm gulf waters, sit in the white sand, read books, look at the stars at night.  Do stretches in the morning and evening so that I have good days, and well rested nights.  Walking on the beach is one of the things that Vicki and I love most to do, and have done together our entire lives.  I called Ms Judy and let her know I was having a melt down.  Only fair.  Took most of the conversation to get her to realize that I was not blaming anyone.  I was a little unhappy with how people were throwing things back in my face.  But I realized that if I had slept this would probably not be an issue.

And now, writing it out and realizing how small it really is.  I will get done what I can get done and I will get Ednarose to the Golden Acres and I will make sure that the rest of my children are good.  And I will do the best I can about the food, and the rest is well, oh well.  And I will step away from these people whom I love with all my heart and just walk by myself or with my Vicki.  My Vicki is on the road, she is on her way her to me.  My heart should be leaping, but instead it is anxious and dark.  It will be fine when I get there.  I know it.  And even though I am scheduled until 11 tonight, maybe they will have gotten a second shift and I will be able to leave early.  And come home and sleep.  I will get done what I can get done and then just go.  And if I have sleep, and if I can drive along HWY 98 in my silver toy with the wind ruffling my hair, the sun beating down on my arms, my Gator hat blocking the sun from my eyes.  And if I can just breathe, everything will be fine.

Everything will be fine.  I have looked forward to this since last year.  I will not let my lack of sleep and other’s plans take away from my joy.  Each of us will find what we need there.  If not, that is our own faults, no one else’s.  And everything will work out better then we could even begin to imagine it.  And I will get some sleep and it will be OK.  I feel so small complaining about this.  How grateful I am to have my toy, to have a week with dearest ones on a gorgeous beach in a house to ourselves.  With time to relax and enjoy each other and laugh and talk and read and kick back.  It will be wonderful.  But right this moment.  I have to be honest.  I don’t want to go.  I have allowed my exhaustion to take their words and twist them around to hurt me.  They never meant it.  And I understand going to the Opera House in the next five minutes is not going to give me sleep.  But it will take an obligation that I committed myself to and have it completed so that I don’t feel guilty over that.  I already feel guilty that I don’t want to do this beach trip now.  Guilt.  Ugh.  The worst of the emotions.  I have called some of the people and told them that I am having this melt down.  And I will be fine, but just be prepared.  The happy, relaxed yoga infused woman is gone.  The exhausted, sad, anxious woman is here.  I will do my best between now and when I pull into the Moondance to get back to me.  To get back to the person I want to be.  That my friends enjoy being around.

It will be OK.  It will be better then OK.  I will post from the beach, and I am sure by that time I will be full of happy moments of sunshine and laughter and talk and dancing in the screened porch looking out over the trees to the gulf and stars and a moon that maybe almost new by the time we leave.  Sigh.  Sometimes just writing it out, gets it.

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