Just another happy day

Nothing big to report.  Just living life.  Learning to recognize pain instead of ignoring it.  Learning to recognize when to stop before I drop.  Okay, I am still no better at that than I ever have been.  But now, I stop, okay, I have no choice, but I do stop and rest.  I will not see the doctor until the 17th.  So that is another week I had not planned on.  No problem, just adjusting my perspective.  The weather has been gorgeous, simply perfect.  We broke 2 records for the first week of December.  Not lows, highs, we beat two days in a row records for the high of the day.  The rest of the county is freezing and without  power.  It is snowing and ice every where else, but here, sunshine and warm temperatures.  Okay, it is humid.  Not uncomfortable humid, but it is warm and humid, in December.  I am happy.  So happy

Have I ever mentioned before, I really don't like cold weather?

We have taken bike rides.  Just riding up to Georgia, or just the back roads.  We have been running errands, and on the go, but this weekend, we stayed home.  I simply was exhausted and needed to be home and working on Christmas presents.  I just finished a shawl, an afghan and a scarf.  I have started another scarf, working on another afghan and have 2 scarves going again.  I am also wrapping all of my Christmas presents in pillow cases.   Susan and family were some of the very first recipients, and reasons for me sewing bags instead of decorating with paper.  I wanted to give the kids presents in reusable bags.  Susan has kept them over the years, and now they almost exclusively use my bags for presents within the family.  The previous bags were holiday oriented with pretty ribbons and could be used over and over, but this year, I wanted to make pillow cases this year.  Why?  I don't know

Ever since I found out I had cancer I wanted to make pillow cases.  So finally, all the material I have been collected is being cut and sewn and pillow cases are being made.  I have made about 40 so far, but have been giving them away as presents already, but I am working on a large batch that expands from sweet sleep lullaby to vivid dream cases.  It is simple, and most of it very easy and flexible.  Just the end is important on how careful you are.  I am about at that point with about 40 more cases.  One size, fits most presents.  They can be the presents.  Maybe a mini loaf of banana bread and a pair of pillow cases.  I would love a present like that.  I realize that the colors might not match my friends colors, but I still think they will enjoy looking at the colors and patterns, feeling the combed cottons and smile while they think about a sweet nap in the sunshine, or falling asleep under star light with these hand made pillow cases.  A simple thing in life, but if right, it can will give you a restful nights sleep and a sweeter next day.

Pillow cases
they make me happy
and I am enjoying making them

I made one case today that was tie dyed blues with a border of black with bright colored insects on it.  The brightness of the blue tie dye and the insects went together perfect.  It is like cooking with my eyes.  It is like stained glass, but soft and flexible unlike glass that is rigid and hard.  I have met several stained glass artists that have turned to fabric art and make some of the most fun, beautiful and bright colored quilts I have ever seen.  Their eye for color with the glass reflects through their choice of materials for the quilts and I am in awe.  I just stick to my pillow cases.  I piece the border to the body of the case.  Certainly easier than hand sewing lots of pieces.  Not as beautiful, but the best my brain is capable at this time.

I have scaled way back on what I would normally would try and accomplish for Christmas.  Decorations consist of a poinsettia, a few lights and a wreath, that I am hanging inside instead of outside so that we can enjoy the evergreen smells in the house.  I will decorate the two wreaths I bought tomorrow and hang them up on the hooks my sweet honey bought at the store today.  I had a list of things I needed, but really didn't want to go to town, so Bug did and I sewed and talked to my precious Judy.  I don't talk a lot to people any more, but I still love to have a real talk with my precious friends, so call me.  No, really call me.

The leaves are changing and patches of yellow, orange, red and gold hidden back off the road with the green of pines and oaks dark and deep seem to hang on.  We  have taken several motorcycle rides lately.  We finish something and hop on the bike and head out for a few hours.  We live in such a perfect location for motorcycle riding.  Quiet, almost empty roads, 2 and 4 lanes, paved slipping in and out of small town bordering along the Florida, Georgia line.  The air is cool and most against my cheeks as we ride through the place that has stolen our hearts.  Roads now familiar as we search for new adventures and possible homes.

We are open to where will we be living in the next year.  My garden is on hold as we determine where it will be.  We are happy, busy, getting ready for Christmas.  We hope that Mother Nature will welcome us up north to be with the grand kids.  We are driving, it would be nice to have some nice weather to get there and get back.  We are watching and hoping.  This would be my first ever Christmas with my grand kids.  I have grand kids.  I can't tell you how happy that makes me feel.  Okay, I took the easy route and married a man who already had kids.  But they are my grand kids.  And I am thrilled.  I have bought Godiva Santa's and Reindeer pops along with wind up toys for Christmas Eve or Christmas morning table.  I love a Christmas table covered with chocolates and toys and presents and ribbons.

This is the first Christmas in my life that is different.  This is the first Christmas with out either of my parents.  I will not be helping Dad with his Christmas list.  I will not be cooking the prime rib roast for Christmas dinner.  I don't eat prime rib.  I will not miss cooking it.  I will not make the nut bread for Christmas breakfast for my brothers.  But I still might make it for me.  maybe.  I will not wake up in my bed room and walk out to the front of the house and kiss my Dad good morning and merry Christmas.  I will not open a stocking that he filled, and I will not watch him open his stocking that I filled with his tradition and favorites.  I really do not mind giving up these long traditions.  I look forward to starting new traditions.  Or maybe, just lowering expectations and really cut traditions to a minimum.  Traditions are wonderful, but memories of new and old traditions are both wonderful.  And to get to spend this Christmas, this Christmas of change with my grand kids, oh joy!!!  I can not think of a better way to have a change in my life.  To try something different.  To celebrate the moment instead of trying to relive the past.  My life is filled with happy memories and funny, crazy stories of past Christmas.

Stories from being the daughter and sister of fire fighters and EMS.  Stories involving DIY.  Do It Yourself.  This involves glue guns, stained glass, hot ovens and pans, glue, glue guns, scissors, in other words, lots of dangers for a gravity impaired klutz.  Happy memories of hot chocolate, Christmas plays, stockings, Santa, reading the bible story on the family couch, trees, wreaths and sparkling lights twinkling and reflecting in the ornaments.  Memories of my Dad standing in the living room, his light bar blinding us as we would run into the living room in our pj's.  Blindly running in the general direction of the tree.  My mother, also blinded in the lights, yelling support as we ran directly into the hot lights necessary to use an 8mm film.  Well, at least that was my Dad's perspective.  Christmas Eve rides to look at luminaries, lights and decorations.  I love the holidays.  And yes, I love presents, but I love making as many as possible, or giving presents that hopefully are useful, but are mostly just reminders how much I love someone.

I listened to Christmas music while I sewed pillow cases today.  It made me happy. 

It was a lovely day
I am happy
Yes, I did have a lot of pain today
but
I have been very physical lately
I am having anxiety attacks
but it is the holidays
and I am anxious about getting everything
that I want to do
done

but in between the anxiety
is happiness
riding behind my honey
wrapping my arms around him
leaning into him
the world flying by

life is so good

Here's to you

Nelson Mandela was 95.  Ninety five years old.  In that life time he saw a lot of things, he accomplished more then the average person, and he is loved for what he did for not only his people, but by freeing his people, he gave hope to everyone in the world. 

Thank you Mr. Mandela
Thank you for all you gave to all of us
Thank you for your life
Blessed be
Blessed be

And it was REAL

We watched FSU beat the Gators, 37 to 7.  I am proud we were able to score against this amazing team.  I was way impressed that we kept them to less then 40 points.  We looked pretty good the first quarter, almost like we might actually make this a real game instead of the normal slaughter FSU has been forced to leave behind them.  I say forced because, well they have just been that good, that even with second and third string players, they still run over their opponents.  However, I think the many "force" has been that when FSU actually tried to not slaughter a team they were rewarded by loosing ground in the National standings.  What?!?!  That is right, one week FSU actually tried to not bully up on the opposing team.  They tried to ease off a bit and the ranking reflected a drop.  After that, FSU had no choice but to go full throttle.  And they have, and their QB is amazing is only a freshman.  Amazing.  But Florida played as well against them as any other team has done this year, and well, that has to be enough this year.............

wait until next year..........................
hee hee

But then we watched the Alabama and the Auburn game.  That was the most amazing game ender I think I have ever seen.

In fact as Auburn was running down the field I actually asked Bug if it was real, was it really happening.  Yes, yes, this is real!!  My heart is still pounding with the unexpectedness of it all.

Then Georgia lost in double over time.

Tomorrow morning is going to be very interesting to see how the rankings reflect this Thanksgiving weekend of rivalries and conference winners. 
Wow
just wow
I enjoyed that so much
That moment where all of us watching or listening to the game
experienced something so
so
magical

Happy Thanksgiving

It is Saturday and the annual rivalry of UF and FSU has been played.  FSU won.  No surprise there.  But UF did not lay down and get run over.  FSU did not score 8 touch downs.  Florida scored a touch down.  FSU won, but as a Gator, I can hold my head up proudly and give the famous year end mantra, "Wait 'til next year!"  Congratulations FSU

It was a wonderful Thanksgiving.  The first since Daddy died.  I really never thought of it.  I kept myself so busy and going the few days before Thanksgiving, the Day of and until this morning, I have been going.  I deal better by doing.  That is my comfort zone, the human doing instead of a human being.   Keep going, walk it off, just focus on what is in front of you.  Those are all things my parents would tell us.  My big brother Rob and his sweet wife, my sister (in law) JongAe and their daughter, Jessica.  For the past few Thanksgivings, Rob would meet me half way between here and Palmetto and we would do the trade off with Dad.  We would always meet at a Cracker Barrel and Dad would order chicken and dumplings, but not too much chicken, more dumplings......"the chicken is dry"  The waitress always looked at him like they had never heard anyone make such a request. 

Then Dad would spend a week or so here with me and we would go through the process of picking and ordering his Christmas presents.  Rob and JongAe would then drive up Wednesday night along with every other American travelling for the holiday and it would take 6 hours or more.  Everyone would be tired and frustrated by the time they got here.  It was not a great way to start the trip.  This year, there is no Dad.  He is missed, but at this age, it is nice to still have Thanksgiving dinner with your big brother and his family.  Rob would have liked to have Thanksgiving in the woods at the National Park, Lake Dor.  That is where we would have Thanksgiving every year as children.  There would be 5 families all together.  It was cold and the food was cooked on open fires, pits and Coleman stoves.  Everyone slept in tents, Five families, five tents.  A perfect childhood.

Very happy memories. 
Well mostly.
There is the pig incident when I pretty much quit eating meat
and of course there was the Thanksgiving where Vicki's parents were killed. 
We were older by that point, and actually the last Thanksgiving I remember going on with the family. 

Rob and family drove up on Thursday morning and it took them 4 hours.  When they got here they were relaxed and happy and they quickly unpacked into the 5th wheel.  They were so excited about getting to "camp".  This is as close as Jessica has gotten so far in her 9 years.  I had the turkey in the oven roasting away.  I had watched several Thanksgiving shows and had a plan of attack for the turkey, the dressing and the pumpkin pie.  JongAe brought acorn squash and broccoli casserole.  The potatoes were set in the pot waiting for the turkey to come out so that JongAe could mash them.  The pecan praline pumpkin pie and soufflé looked beautiful.  JongAe watched the food in the oven and baked the rolls while I finished the gravy and Bug and Rob carved the bird.  Football was on the TV.

JongAe had used the broccoli they had grown, I used our sweet potatoes and made two kinds.  The oranges in the cranberry sauce was from my trees and as we melted like gravy as we ate bite after delicious bite.  Everything was wonderful.  You could tell the difference in the fresh grown veggies versus the canned or frozen ones we normally used.  We ate in the living room, on my mother's couch, it was her mother's couch at some point, it is now mine.  Rob, JongAe and Jessica all admire the couch over and over and commented on how different it looked.  I told them the story about the different layers of material I had found when I recovered it.  Rob laughed as we remembered Mother's choices.  The burlap covers were the most memorable.  We ate food that recipes my mother taught me were followed, or with full knowledge I tweaked them to our taste.  The five of us came together as one family.  We missed the parts of our family not there, but knew that they were family, and that everything was right.  Maybe our last, maybe next year Rob and family will get to go camping.  maybe

Jessica is 9.  She will be 10 in January.  She has a lot of energy.  She talks so fast I had to keep asking her to slow down and look at my face when she talked so I could try and keep up with her.  I told her I did not mean to criticize, I really did want to talk with her, but Aunt Kathleen moves very slow now a days and she would need to keep that in mine.  She was very sweet and tried.  I tried very hard to get the gist of her conversation, even if I didn't get most of the words.  Did I mention she has a lot of energy?  They got here around noon on Thanksgiving day and then left this morning.  In that time, we finished putting the stain on the rocking chair I have been refinishing for Jessica.  Then we drew pictures, worked with paper maichee making Christmas ornaments, another family tradition, we made embroidery thread tassels and then made someone of them into angels.  We made felt flowers and ornaments, Jessica wrote the sweetest Thank you notes to Bug, me, the Dogs and the entire family.  They had pictures as well as the thank yous.  Oh, and we cooked and ate and watched football.

And each morning we walked up to the exit for breakfast.  Friday we walked to the Huddle House, today we walked up to McD's.  It was so much fun as a family to get up in the morning, wrap up in scarves, hats and heavy winter coats and walk through this beautiful area with leaves changing and deer prints on the road.  We walked up and down the road and into civilization, then we would walk back home, into the quiet and the woods. 

I did too much, and today I have not answered the phone, I have not answered anyone, or wished happy Thanksgiving, and missed my cousin Lori's birthday.  I have lived my life in my way, doing too much.  Doing so much that I am worthless when I crash.  I just sit.

But tomorrow is Sunday and I can rest another day and watch football.  There is plenty of leftovers in the frig, a perfect Thanksgiving Sunday. 

I am thankful for
my sweet husband
my family
my beloved animals, Bob, Edna, Harley, Henry, Marina, Stella and Luna, John C Bennett, Buttercup, Dewdrop, Rose, Daisy, Magnolia, Camellia, Brugmansia, Hyacinth and Gladiola, the Bubba, and Big Bunny, may she rest in peace.

We found Big Brown Bunny in the pasture.  She was laying on her back, she looked like she had been grabbed by an owl or some other big bird.  The bird had dropped Bunny and she looked like she had watched the clouds and sky and was gone.  We were happy to know where she was, and will miss her dearly.

I am thankful for
my dear and precious family
for my cancer because it has helped me to savor every moment.  Looking over at my 9 year old niece and watch her animated face as she tells story after story about her girlfriends in her 9 year old language.  Eyes sparkling and the self assurance of a little girl as she acts like her peers.  She is growing up so fast.

I am thankful for
Christopher and his sweet sense of humor and view of the world. 
Nathaniel as he and Desmond strutted their stuff across the football field, seniors
already heading out into the world

I am thankful for our parents
and growing up with the love of holidays
and football
and what a wonderful world
and I am Thankful for being here at this very moment and feeling the cold air in the morning on my cheeks, and the sun on my back in the afternoon
to curl up at night on our dear comfy bed under our down
warm and snugly
sweet moments

happy Thanksgiving
 

Rainy Tuesday

I lay this morning in a dark bedroom listening to the fall of the rain on the roof.  The room as dark as midnight, the low rapping and pinging of the rain as it danced down on Labrun.  It has been cold, it has been dry, it has warmed up and now it is raining.  Sweet, blessed rain.  I swear it would take a lot for me not to love rain.  I know it can be destructive and I have lived through hurricanes and have seen Mother Nature express herself in many violent ways.  But today as the weather people talk about a gale warning, I look out my windows and see gentle life giving rain, I find it hard to believe what is coming.

Yesterday we met our friend and realtor at Tupelo's to make sure that every thing is progressively according to plans on the house that Bug's parents are working on.  As we were getting ready to go, I realized that Bug was putting on much warmer clothes compared to what I was putting on.  I stopped and realized that I am now temperature dyslexic.  I can not get my head wrapped around cold.  This is not new, but it does appear that my brain is simply refusing to accept cold.  I did change into one of my cashmere sweaters, a lovely soft baby blue over an old pair of jeans, not over sized, but well worn and comfy.  I put on my grandfather's argyle socks.  Yes, I know that is weird that I still wear my grandfather's socks.  He died when I was around 10, and we were very close.  I do not remember any longer how I got them, but I love those poor old worn out socks.  But they make me happy.  Again, I started to walk out the door, only to realize that my blue jean jacket was not warm enough.  I traded it in on my gray wool winter coat.  A coat cut with the same style as a P coat.  My dear Rich helped me pick it out a few years ago.  Every time I put on this coat I think of that.   This time when I walked out to get in the car, I was dressed appropriately.  It was still cold, like 40s, but I was as warm as I could be.  Well, if I had put on the scarf that Mary had made for me during one of our radio plays.

It is strange that so much of my clothing is related to someone?  Growing up my Mother and Grandmother were constantly reminding me of the line of ownership for each piece of furniture, each plate, sugar bowl, silver teaspoon, and so on.  So things have always been as real to me as the family members long gone.  The only way I knew my great grand mother was from a diamond pinkie ring, another by her tea cart.  My grandmother and mother read me books that had belonged to them and other relatives when they were young.  These books were filled with stories of fairies and plants and animals that talked and walked around just like people.  I think my confusion that everything is the same only different started there.  To this day I still see everything as be equal when it comes to respecting "life".  I have always been happy and loved and overly optimistic because my whole life I have been surrounded by animals and trees and plants and rocks and people, many of which I thought of as elders or caretakers.  Who wouldn't grow up with out fear, if there is always someone watching over you.  Maybe might even account for someone being naive and viewed as immature.  I think that is quite accurate description of me.  That is no excuse for bad behavior.  No, I have forgiven myself for my bad behavior, but that does not mean that they are not a part of me anymore.

The rain continues to tap against the roof, an ever changing rhythm as the tree sway and the rain ebbs and flows.  We are sitting quietly with the kids nestled around our feet.  They are great foot warmers, but it does make for quite an obstacle course.  Not only are their 12 legs, four with really big feet at the end of them like a knight's mace, but they move with three bodies and three tails all moving together.  And that is just the dogs.  But for now I am happy to sit on the couch and slip my feet under soft furry snoring warm dogs.

We are watching weather and history programs as we discuss our plans of the day.  I baked cookies last night for the Moon preThanksgiving family gala.  Mr and Mrs Moon's 4 kids will be there, plus the 2 grand kids.  There will be people who have been important to these sweet people sometimes their entire lives who will be.  There will be family clusters like musicians or the stage company who have now become a part of this extended group of people coming together.  It is Thanksgiving, always the same and yet ever changing menu of love, friends, food and drink.  There will be oysters on the grill, and Ms Moon's amazing food in the kitchen.  The counters and tables will over flow with the bounty of a family coming together.  I have made two types of cookies.  One is pumpkin spice with cranberries, white chocolate, flax seed, pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds and pecans.  The other is my zen cookie, all in one. It has oatmeal, flax seed, wheat germ, hemp germ (sorry, Omega 3, not a buzz), sunflower seed, pumpkin seeds, cranberries, pecans; white, milk, semi sweet and bitter chocolate chips; peanut butter chips, and it is a wonderful cookie.  Huge, dense and every bite of each cookie a totally different combination.  So the cookies are ready.  I always want to bring something savory also, but there is so much food, it is rude to hog too much space.  We will see.

Very much happy and at peace this morning. 
Time to get up and brave the world of people. 
 I think it might rain most of the day. 
The weather radio went off, but not near us, but
maybe one more cup of tea.

From inside it looks glorious outside

What a glorious week it has been.  I am slowly getting myself back up and going.  As the cold is roaring toward us, Key West pops up more and more in our conversations.  Friday we took the boat out to Shield's but took out for a little trip until we left here there in their competent care.  The clouds cleared and made way for a little sun.  It was cool, but comfortable.  I heard our breathing slow and relax as we putted up the St. Marks, Bug casting along the edge as we crept along.  We turned around and then headed to the Riverside Café for lunch.  I had the grouper sandwich, one of my favorites there, and fat and satisfied, we hopped back in Ms K and headed out to the gulf. 

The sky was filled with dark, thick gray clouds.  Clouds dropping rain in Tallahassee and Jefferson County.  Here the sky was that cloudy gray where all you see is Gray.  As we came around to where the St. Marks meets the Wakulla we had second thoughts.  The wind had picked up and it was choppy.  With the threatening clouds behind us, we thought twice about what the gulf might be like.  We decided to just head out a little way, we would turn around if it was too much.    But as we cleared the mangroves and started weaving between markers the water calmed down to a gray slick.  We slowed down and sat in the stillness.  Birds were clustered on sandbars on marker tops.  Seagulls bobbed in the water, young loons, still mottled as the sky and water was, called out their plaintive cry.  It was hard to see where the line of the horizon was because everything was the same color, slick, smooth and lovely.  We sat out there just being a part of the still.  A world with no apparent time or dimension.  Just a space of quiet. 

We finally turned back towards the rivers and slipped gently out of this magical place and to head home.  We left the Ms K there at Shield's where she will be kept safe and dry and be all ready when we need her again.

A quiet evening at home and Saturday morning we woke and decided before the weather gets too cold, lets take the red Harley out for a ride.  We bundled up and headed north, first stopping at Wag The Dog before taking back roads up and around Georgia.  We stopped at a home builder in Thomasville and walked through the models.  We are trying to figure out what to do.  Our little trailer is falling down around our ears.  No that is not much of an exaggeration.  Bug has already had to replace 6 square feet of floor at the front door, and rebuild the walls around the door.  The back door is getting to the point where a decision will have to be made.  Put more money in an aging trailer, or do we look for other options.  Should we make the big move and find a place with a few more acres?  Do we replace the trailer we already have with another place?  What about all the plants I have around the trailer now?  They would all have to be dug up.  Or do we put a place somewhere else on the property?  So much to think about and decide. 

All I know is I want to build my garden while I can still enjoy it. 

Next week is Thanksgiving and my big brother and his family will be with us.  I need to get together and start planning and shopping.  And the Moon's pre Thanksgiving party is Tuesday this year, not Wednesday, so that cuts down on preparation time.  Obviously the Moon's do most of the work, but one of my favorite things about cover dish parties is it is an opportunity to make something special that you love, but would not need for just two of us.  Maybe apple pumpkin bread or maybe apple pumpkin pecan cookies.  Oooooh, time with the Moons.  I am so looking forward to the evening.

We are still planning on spending Christmas in NJ.  I am feeling a little nervous because we have done very little to get ready for that, and I am not a last minute person.  I like to plan and do ahead. 

Bug's parents will be here sometime near the end of the year, or the beginning of the new year.  They have a contract on the loveliest house uptown, just behind the Avera-Clark B&B.  They have not actually seen the house in person, but we have sent them photos and Barry, our Agent is great, and everything seems to be moving along slowly. 

I am doing well.  My life is in a different place now.  One that recognizes when I do too much, or physically inconsiderate of my body.  If I carry too much weight, I hear about it through the night.  If I do normal things like a normal person, I need to sit and rest in between.  I am learning more about my kidneys and lymph nodes, lung and liver.  They all seem to call attention to themselves each day.  Weight does not make it to my face or arms.  Sleep comes in bursts at night interrupted by trips to the bathroom.  By 8pm I just give up and lay down to rest and read.  To try and lure sleep into my exhausted body.  I need to get outside for a little today to move plants into their winter homes.  It should be in the 30s sometime this week.
Thanksgiving is coming
There will be turkey and cranberries
sweet potatoes and mashed potatoes
pumpkin pie
veggie casseroles of all descriptions
and family
and football
and quiet
I am thankful everyday
as I lay my head down each night I count my blessing
as I open my eyes each morning and see the new coming day
I am grateful for another day
whatever comes
I am still grateful for the opportunity to have the very best day ever

 

Another day

So many things to do, but I have been so exhausted, that I spend all day trying to do things. I have spent so much time sitting that my butt hurts. Yes, my butt is complaining about how sore it is from sitting all the time. And I have been. sitting in the truck to my brothers, sitting on the boat, at the food ball game, for the reunion, at each meal, around the camp fire, riding to the Keys, riding bikes around the keys, riding on the boat, riding all the way back to Weeki Wachee. Sitting here at the house as I rested, at the Opera House to see the fabulous production of Arsenic and Old Lace. I sat in the car yesterday as we drove to Tallahassee so Bug could meet his new dentist and then we went thrifting at the Goodwill. We found things yesterday that we could not live without. We went to Costco and picked up animal food, we bought large quantities of fruit, we ate at the tasting booths, we made it home with everything we needed and things we could not live with out. It was a lovely day, but exhausting. I am experiencing more pain then I had anticipated at this time, but I guess that is to be expected. I also have problems at night with restless leg. I do not say that I have restless leg syndrome, but, I will say that my legs are working and keep me awake all night, if I do not take some type of anti-anxiety drug. I do not want whatever they normally give to people who have restless leg syndrome, I do not have a "syndrome", I just experience anxiety attacks and wonky legs when I am trying to sleep. One little pill and I sleep better, no wonky legs and no anxiety attacks. In other situations I would be concerned about my drugs use, but they are prescribed, I use them at or below prescribed rate, so all things considering, I am fine with the situation. I will talk to Dr. May this visit about my drugs and what do we need to refine my pain meds, and maybe a little more information as to where I am at with this thing. I really have no idea. I know that I have entered a new place, but I am not sure what that means.



I sat with Jan, Rich, Mary and Carolyn at the play. Jan looks amazing. Okay, the WMDs are whipping her butt sometimes. That is what they do. They wimp out the fastest growing cells. That includes your bone marrow and it is exhausting sometimes. But other times she is fine. The fire in her eyes is different. It has the ghost of reality in them now. I am fine and I can handle this with no problem, is gone, but the conviction that she is still here, and that she still knows she can make it, is what I knew I would see. What I hoped I would see. She still has many more challenges in front of her, but she is doing what I consider a very healthy habit. She is looking for patterns, figuring out the cycle. Here is the problem, the cycle changes, but here is the good thing. She is looking for cycles. Life is changing so quickly, so unpredictable. Partially depend on the physical health of the patient, and the attitude of the patient. Jan is small. She does not have a lot to give up, but I think she can still do this. It is hard. No jokes, it is hard, but she can do this. I felt more comfortable then ever in my decision to leave all options open. I will see the doctor in a little over two weeks, and I am ready to sit down and get to the nitty gritty of what is going on. For me to realize what is happening, for her to have a better idea of what I am going through.



Today we decided to go to Bainebridge, Ga. We made it as far as downtown Monticello. We picked up a few things from Wag the Dog, and then went to the Pawn Shop where Bug got a great deal on 5 rod and reels. He really just wanted one of them, and was willing to buy 2, but the offer he gave Bug on all 5, was better then he thought he would have to pay for the one he really liked. Everybody seemed happy with the deal, but now the toy was full.  We stopped by the house and dropped off the fishing equipment and then headed to Thomasville.  We visited the Goodwill there and then had lunch at the Farmer's Marker.  Got to love the Farmer's Market.  Veggies, lots and lots of veggies.  Okay many of them are cooked with ham hocks and related flavoring, but not all.  Okay, I always get a stomach ache from eating the pork flavored food, but it is Southern cooking at it's best.  It is better then I remember it as a child.  Greens, Mustard and turnip, butter beans, black eye pies, mashed potatoes, red skin boiled potatoes, another dozen vegetable dishes and starch dishes.  Six to ten meat dishes including fried and baked chicken, not to mention chicken and dumplings.  Oh yeah, southern cooking.  I also eat too much and the pork seasoning for most of the veggies is a shock to my system. 

Stuffed like the upcoming turkeys for Thanksgiving we rolled into the toy and headed to Cairo and visited the goodwill and then on to Bainebridge and a stop at their Goodwill.  We drove around Bainebridge and the beautiful old homes and then headed home.  We took back roads until we could sneak on to I10 and  get home.  It was a relaxing day of beautiful roads and driving to somewhere for no reason at all.  Just being together.  Just enjoying the day.  Being with someone and just living for today, was wonderful.  Life doesn't have to be big.  There is nothing wrong with the sweet precious day of driving through North Florida and South Georgia with my hone.  Just us.  Driving on a gray, drizzly day that never got into 70.  But we were warm in our toy and enjoyed the quiet time to be away for a relaxing day. 

I have enjoyed the time to rest and try and re cooperate.  I have enjoyed days like today where we just enjoyed the day.  I am happy to just be alive and have a life.  Grapes for my chickens, milk bones for my three labs.  Chocolate, black and yellow.  A sweet man, cats and a place where I planted the flowers.  The flowers that are starting to bud up on the camellias, magnolias, and other flowers that bloom early spring.  I wish I had more energy to be more active gardening right now.  it is a wonderful time, but I am just a little tired. 

We will see what gets done.  I am happy.  My dear friends, I am very happy and enjoying my life.  We will spend Thanksgiving here with my big brother and his family.  For Christmas we are going to spend with the grand kids in New Jersey.  We really love our daughter, her Ken and all the grand kids.........enough to brave December in New Jersey.  Maybe there will be snow.  Bug is already looking at what things might need to be looked at before we leave on our trip on the toy.  I found a pair of boots that will be perfect for NJ.  And who knows, NJ is not that far from CT.  But I have no idea where Susan and Jim will be for Christmas, and I am not sure what plans have been for the family for Christmas. 

We are still planning on spending our anniversary in Hawaii, but we will know more in the next month or two when I see the doctor this next month and then get the results from the PT scan she wants for January.

I have had a wonderful week so far.  We hope to take the boat back to the marina this week sometime, and maybe, maybe is the weather holds to go out on the Harley.  It has been gray and cool and drizzly, so not a good bike day, but we will see what will come in the next few days.  I look forward to more time at home just cleaning the house and getting ready for Thanksgiving.  I love Thanksgiving, the holiday dedicated to eating and football.  Oh Yeah!!  And I love the cooking.  My sister JongAe will be here and that woman more then holds her own in any kitchen.

Nothing new or exciting.  I have been emailing a friend I haven't talked to in several years, Sally.  We worked together for many years with the Department of Agriculture.  She now works in KY for their Department.  I am retired.  She is just learning my story and having to deal with how she feels about my situation.  She is so sad at this point.  I did ask her not to us the term "fighting" in connection with me.  I am not fighting now, and have not up to this point fought this disease.  I have allowed the doctors to follow standard procedures for the disease diagnosed, and I am a part of a study on woman on this drug.  As far as I know there are not men on this drug.  As far as I have been able to find out, this particular cancer has only been diagnosed in woman, so far.  Time will tell.  But really, my week has been about taking it easy.  I have been kind to my body and my spirit.  We have gotten out, but nothing too demanding.  I am heading to bed now.  I am happy.  So happy.  I feel something.  Maybe it is the sweet release again of more of the physical life.  I don't know, but I feel at peace.  As far as I know I will be here for 5 more years, or maybe 6 months, who knows.  Who cares?  I don't.  All will be as the steps progress.  I have been so blessed my whole life.  I have had so many opportunities to visit the past, to have no regrets for a life that is past.  I was so happy to be in the moment in the Keys this trip.  To be with my Bug and to be in Key West.  On a bike, happy hour at Half Shell, sunset, life has slowed down.

Slow as my pulse that sometimes slow down to a blood pressure of 96 over 54 with a pulse of 56.  I can definitely slow my self down and just relax, focus on my breath and just lay back on the couch that was my mother's and my grandmother's and be me.  Think about life the way I see life, generations, traditions, moments now then gone.  To just be there and remember and experience.  Life is wonderful right now.  My hard drive from my old computer is fried.  So everything I had on it, with out backing up, like several books, and my lullaby, is gone.  Okay, time to sit down and see what I can do to recreate them.  Time is clicking and I want to leave a few things here when I am gone.  Whenever that is.

A glass of wine, a quiet evening with my family
life is just perfect