Sittin On A Porch

Sittin On A Porch
Our little back porch

Friday, December 5, 2014

We are a team

The Monday before Thanksgiving, my fairy god children came for a visit.

Jim, Pig, Me, Bob and Annie
Aren't they beautiful?  I have loved these two people since they were born.  But when Jim was nine years old they moved to CT, and it has only been the last several years that I have been able to have them back in my arms to hug.  Jim says he really doesn't remember a lot of me, but he remembered he loved me.  Well, if that is the only thing someone remembers you, that is a pretty amazing thing to remember.

They got here late Saturday afternoon and were back on their way to Atlanta the next morning.  Before they left they were able to take a swamp walk with their fairy uncle Bug and I am not sure who had the most fun.  Seriously, these are great people.  Now I would have been grateful for fifteen minutes of a visit, and I received so much more.

The next day my older brother, his wife, JongAe and their daughter Jessica got here after I had laid down to sleep.  I woke to the exuberance of my 11 year old niece.  She is happy, joyful, energetic, sweet and loving.  They brought the first ideas for the coloring book.  The drawings were better than I could have imagined.  I am hoping that she can have the final drawings done by Christmas.  I would really like to see her accomplish this goal for both of us.

Our Hospice dinner which had arrived Tuesday was delicious.  We pulled the turkey and all the other goodies out Thursday morning and followed the instructions and the rest of the day was spent eating and watching The Macy's Parade and then football.  I tired easily and laid down as the family started watching my copy of Mr. Peabody (thank you Marty and Shelia).  Rob and JongAe took one of Bug's swamp tours and with all the rain, it was swampy, swampy.  Friday the family went to visit friends in GA, and Bug and I watched football and I napped.  I love having my family around.  My big brother and I continue to be closer each year.  Yet, as they were saying they would try and make it up next month I realized what I needed to do.  I go and go then I drop and my honey pulls me back together.  Then I rest and repeat cycle.  I love my brother, and all the dear and precious friends I have made over this life time, I realized how selfish I was being.  Sure, just go and do whatever I want and let someone else put me back together. 

Let's be honest, I have not recovered since the house warming party the end of October.  My body is wearing out fast.  My breathing is labored more often and a little slower.  I am not the person I was one month ago.

I have had the best Thanksgiving ever, but no dessert.  That was provided, on Saturday, before the UF/FSU.  My best friend since second grade, Jennifer and her precious husband, that she met when we were at UF came for a very short visit.  So very grateful to this man, who had just spent Thanksgiving with his family, and was willing to make this detour off to our place.  Rodney's Mother is fighting liver cancel.  She looks like she may have a very good chance here, and fighting is the word her family uses.  I do not choose to fight, not because the type of cancer I was diagnosed with is not curable, but because it is not me to fight.  Jennifer has my same quirky sense of humor and I love her for that sense of humor.  Most of my humor comes from my Dad.  The apple did not fall far from the tree with Jen also.  She lost her Dad suddenly what seems like forever ago.  She and her Dad were so very close.  She is also close with her Mom and still gets to enjoy time with her today.  Jennifer asked me to give her Dad a hug and she will look forward to seeing us both in heaven.  It took me a minute on how to answer, but then I did promise here that I would certainly give her Dad a big hug and she would be able to find us as we laughed.  Her Dad used to always say, "It is hard to be humble when you are as pretty as I am."  Then he would give you that smile of his.  That pixie smile with sparkling eyes and not what is expected on a banker.

Jennifer cried openly with Rodney supporting her as they left.  They were here such a short time.  Jennifer and I spent so much time as childhood friends who grow into a life long friendship.  But the same as with my fairy god children, I shed no tears.  Is this the last time I may ever see these beloved people in my life?  Probably, but instead of tearing eyes that blur the lines of loss, I smile because I can only remember joy, love and happiness with these people.  This is not the last time I will be thankful for memories and moments that will become memories of so very many people.

Tuesday Hospice came by and wouldn't you know it, I still have a fever over 101.  Okay, that might explain why I have not had any appetite for the last week or so.  Also I can barely keep my eyes open.  I did have a pretty busy month or two.  The difference is that now, I am willing to stay in bed and to keep resting.  Yep, you heard it right.  I am happy to sit back and take it easily.

One of my friends asked what I was doing these days.  I told her that I was reading and crocheting and napping.  She sounded surprise and asked if I was okay with that.  I amazed myself, but yes, truthfully, I am okay.  Will I get my energy back?  I don't know, and I am even okay with that.  I thought I would not change, that I could not change.  Instead I have no idea what will happen, or if anything will happen.  I just know that I am happy with my life.  I am happy with what I have accomplished and who I have become.  I am not perfect.  I have hurt so many people with my selfishness and ignorance of other people's feeling.  But I understand that I am trying to be the best I can, and this is what that life has gifted me.  I am so very grateful.

The weather has been warm for this past week, but I have not been able to go outside and even just sit and enjoy the temperature because my left leg has been so difficult.  It is a little better and now the temperatures are getting to head south again.  Meanwhile my honey has been diagnosed with shingles.  Oh dear.  This is seriously bad.  He is in as much pain as a person can handle with out blowing up.  We are both just us a mess.  But in a funny way, as we each deal with raw nerves, viruses and then each of us have our own very special something, it is helping us to see the strength in the other, and I just love him more for this. 

We are not able to take care of each other like we really need to, but today Jack and Jan picked up my meds and each person I have talked to is begging us to let them help us.  I say, "baby steps"  I am working on it.  I love my friends and their help, but it just might take a little more time for me to be comfortable asking for help.  I am getting better at it.  Really.

And so even our team may have take a big hit, we are still holding tight to each other and ever so grateful for everything, even these diseases that are teaching us both to let go,  Just a little, but let go.  

I am upstairs now.  I can not move back and forth, and it seems right now that I can be less work from up here. 
Thank you all for your sweet words and blessings.
I hope your birthday was wonderful Debbie C.
I am sure that by next week, I might even be ready to take my crocheting outside to the patio.  Maybe.  If not, I am sure that I will be happy wherever I am.  


  1. Thank you for taking the time and energy to share with us, darling. Always.

  2. I remember the Hospice nurse telling my dad..."you only have so much is up to you on how you want to spend it". He spent it the same as you....loving each other. I have taken those same words into my own life these past 3 years and hope I am living up to them. p.s....give my dad a hug for me too, please! you will find him..he will be playing cards...xoxo

  3. Kathleen, I know how brave you are from your writings. I hope that you will ask for help. Asking for what I need is something I now accept. It is a healthy thing to not bear the burden of trying to do everything. Sending you good thoughts.