So many things to do, but I have been so exhausted, that I spend all day trying to do things. I have spent so much time sitting that my butt hurts. Yes, my butt is complaining about how sore it is from sitting all the time. And I have been. sitting in the truck to my brothers, sitting on the boat, at the food ball game, for the reunion, at each meal, around the camp fire, riding to the Keys, riding bikes around the keys, riding on the boat, riding all the way back to Weeki Wachee. Sitting here at the house as I rested, at the Opera House to see the fabulous production of Arsenic and Old Lace. I sat in the car yesterday as we drove to Tallahassee so Bug could meet his new dentist and then we went thrifting at the Goodwill. We found things yesterday that we could not live without. We went to Costco and picked up animal food, we bought large quantities of fruit, we ate at the tasting booths, we made it home with everything we needed and things we could not live with out. It was a lovely day, but exhausting. I am experiencing more pain then I had anticipated at this time, but I guess that is to be expected. I also have problems at night with restless leg. I do not say that I have restless leg syndrome, but, I will say that my legs are working and keep me awake all night, if I do not take some type of anti-anxiety drug. I do not want whatever they normally give to people who have restless leg syndrome, I do not have a "syndrome", I just experience anxiety attacks and wonky legs when I am trying to sleep. One little pill and I sleep better, no wonky legs and no anxiety attacks. In other situations I would be concerned about my drugs use, but they are prescribed, I use them at or below prescribed rate, so all things considering, I am fine with the situation. I will talk to Dr. May this visit about my drugs and what do we need to refine my pain meds, and maybe a little more information as to where I am at with this thing. I really have no idea. I know that I have entered a new place, but I am not sure what that means.
I sat with Jan, Rich, Mary and Carolyn at the play. Jan looks amazing. Okay, the WMDs are whipping her butt sometimes. That is what they do. They wimp out the fastest growing cells. That includes your bone marrow and it is exhausting sometimes. But other times she is fine. The fire in her eyes is different. It has the ghost of reality in them now. I am fine and I can handle this with no problem, is gone, but the conviction that she is still here, and that she still knows she can make it, is what I knew I would see. What I hoped I would see. She still has many more challenges in front of her, but she is doing what I consider a very healthy habit. She is looking for patterns, figuring out the cycle. Here is the problem, the cycle changes, but here is the good thing. She is looking for cycles. Life is changing so quickly, so unpredictable. Partially depend on the physical health of the patient, and the attitude of the patient. Jan is small. She does not have a lot to give up, but I think she can still do this. It is hard. No jokes, it is hard, but she can do this. I felt more comfortable then ever in my decision to leave all options open. I will see the doctor in a little over two weeks, and I am ready to sit down and get to the nitty gritty of what is going on. For me to realize what is happening, for her to have a better idea of what I am going through.
Today we decided to go to Bainebridge, Ga. We made it as far as downtown Monticello. We picked up a few things from Wag the Dog, and then went to the Pawn Shop where Bug got a great deal on 5 rod and reels. He really just wanted one of them, and was willing to buy 2, but the offer he gave Bug on all 5, was better then he thought he would have to pay for the one he really liked. Everybody seemed happy with the deal, but now the toy was full. We stopped by the house and dropped off the fishing equipment and then headed to Thomasville. We visited the Goodwill there and then had lunch at the Farmer's Marker. Got to love the Farmer's Market. Veggies, lots and lots of veggies. Okay many of them are cooked with ham hocks and related flavoring, but not all. Okay, I always get a stomach ache from eating the pork flavored food, but it is Southern cooking at it's best. It is better then I remember it as a child. Greens, Mustard and turnip, butter beans, black eye pies, mashed potatoes, red skin boiled potatoes, another dozen vegetable dishes and starch dishes. Six to ten meat dishes including fried and baked chicken, not to mention chicken and dumplings. Oh yeah, southern cooking. I also eat too much and the pork seasoning for most of the veggies is a shock to my system.
Stuffed like the upcoming turkeys for Thanksgiving we rolled into the toy and headed to Cairo and visited the goodwill and then on to Bainebridge and a stop at their Goodwill. We drove around Bainebridge and the beautiful old homes and then headed home. We took back roads until we could sneak on to I10 and get home. It was a relaxing day of beautiful roads and driving to somewhere for no reason at all. Just being together. Just enjoying the day. Being with someone and just living for today, was wonderful. Life doesn't have to be big. There is nothing wrong with the sweet precious day of driving through North Florida and South Georgia with my hone. Just us. Driving on a gray, drizzly day that never got into 70. But we were warm in our toy and enjoyed the quiet time to be away for a relaxing day.
I have enjoyed the time to rest and try and re cooperate. I have enjoyed days like today where we just enjoyed the day. I am happy to just be alive and have a life. Grapes for my chickens, milk bones for my three labs. Chocolate, black and yellow. A sweet man, cats and a place where I planted the flowers. The flowers that are starting to bud up on the camellias, magnolias, and other flowers that bloom early spring. I wish I had more energy to be more active gardening right now. it is a wonderful time, but I am just a little tired.
We will see what gets done. I am happy. My dear friends, I am very happy and enjoying my life. We will spend Thanksgiving here with my big brother and his family. For Christmas we are going to spend with the grand kids in New Jersey. We really love our daughter, her Ken and all the grand kids.........enough to brave December in New Jersey. Maybe there will be snow. Bug is already looking at what things might need to be looked at before we leave on our trip on the toy. I found a pair of boots that will be perfect for NJ. And who knows, NJ is not that far from CT. But I have no idea where Susan and Jim will be for Christmas, and I am not sure what plans have been for the family for Christmas.
We are still planning on spending our anniversary in Hawaii, but we will know more in the next month or two when I see the doctor this next month and then get the results from the PT scan she wants for January.
I have had a wonderful week so far. We hope to take the boat back to the marina this week sometime, and maybe, maybe is the weather holds to go out on the Harley. It has been gray and cool and drizzly, so not a good bike day, but we will see what will come in the next few days. I look forward to more time at home just cleaning the house and getting ready for Thanksgiving. I love Thanksgiving, the holiday dedicated to eating and football. Oh Yeah!! And I love the cooking. My sister JongAe will be here and that woman more then holds her own in any kitchen.
Nothing new or exciting. I have been emailing a friend I haven't talked to in several years, Sally. We worked together for many years with the Department of Agriculture. She now works in KY for their Department. I am retired. She is just learning my story and having to deal with how she feels about my situation. She is so sad at this point. I did ask her not to us the term "fighting" in connection with me. I am not fighting now, and have not up to this point fought this disease. I have allowed the doctors to follow standard procedures for the disease diagnosed, and I am a part of a study on woman on this drug. As far as I know there are not men on this drug. As far as I have been able to find out, this particular cancer has only been diagnosed in woman, so far. Time will tell. But really, my week has been about taking it easy. I have been kind to my body and my spirit. We have gotten out, but nothing too demanding. I am heading to bed now. I am happy. So happy. I feel something. Maybe it is the sweet release again of more of the physical life. I don't know, but I feel at peace. As far as I know I will be here for 5 more years, or maybe 6 months, who knows. Who cares? I don't. All will be as the steps progress. I have been so blessed my whole life. I have had so many opportunities to visit the past, to have no regrets for a life that is past. I was so happy to be in the moment in the Keys this trip. To be with my Bug and to be in Key West. On a bike, happy hour at Half Shell, sunset, life has slowed down.
Slow as my pulse that sometimes slow down to a blood pressure of 96 over 54 with a pulse of 56. I can definitely slow my self down and just relax, focus on my breath and just lay back on the couch that was my mother's and my grandmother's and be me. Think about life the way I see life, generations, traditions, moments now then gone. To just be there and remember and experience. Life is wonderful right now. My hard drive from my old computer is fried. So everything I had on it, with out backing up, like several books, and my lullaby, is gone. Okay, time to sit down and see what I can do to recreate them. Time is clicking and I want to leave a few things here when I am gone. Whenever that is.
A glass of wine, a quiet evening with my family
life is just perfect