Happy Birthday Mr. R and Ms J. you are two precious for words and what a special day!!!!! Love you both, happy birthday.
So I was talking to Ms Moon this morning and told her about this story I had seen on Charles Osgood. And I had to say it came at the right time for me, because I am so tired, and I have lost my happy, and here they were saying how much pressure everyone is put under to have a positive attitude. And I have to say that lately it has just been so heavy, so burdensome to keep trying to pull that happy, that positive out. I am normally a positive happy person, but like the seasons, I should not expect myself to be constantly the same. It is normal to gain and loose weight as you are more active certain times of year and less active others. You are happier or less happy certain times of year depending on the season. I am a happy person during Summer. Spring is lovely and so is Autumn. Winter would be OK if it wasn't so dark and cold, but summer the day lasts forever. The Golden light during summer bakes through me keeping my skin dark for months and mood elevated. Yes, I take vitamin D, and I try to get out in the sun, but when it is cold, no, I do not do cold well.
Besides the light and the temperatures and the flowers and humidity, I also think that I am tired of acting positive. It has brought home to me that 3 years is the statistic life span on this drug. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, no one knows when they are going to die. But if you knew you were going to take a trip and that it might happen as soon as three years. You also know that there are a lot of things that would make this trip and the work on the people around you easier if you took care of them now. Wouldn't you take care of it? It is so hard to explain this feeling of in between. Yes, I am alive. No, I am not dying tomorrow. But as I try to balance my life, make arrangements for my financial affairs, my insurance and medical care, it is always there. It has to be. It does not make any sense for me to have chosen the retirement plan I did if I was going to live 15 - 30 more years. But that is not likely. Yes, they are coming up with improved treatments all the time. That is all true. Just remember that as these treatments come out, I will be able to tolerate some that will work on my specific cancer, and my body is getting older, living with cancer each day, no matter how small, it is like a tiny tiny time bomb deep inside of you. But this time bomb has a computer that is trying to unlock the code to do what it wants, which is to grow. And not just grow, but it is an over achiever, it wants to grow faster and bigger then you can stop it.
Maybe I am just worried about all of the people I love who are struggling so much harder then I am. Do I feel I need to find some reason to not be grateful for this wonderful and mostly healthy life I have. Oh yeah! I am big on survival guilt. I don't feel guilty for a lot of things I used to, but that is because I now have survival guilt. And it is so destructive.
Then throw in this attitude that if you just have a positive attitude everything will be a-okay, and well, this is pretty self-destructive stuff. My mind is on Pete. And of course you can not wish positive thoughts to Pete without also sending them to Jan. To Pete, I wish peace and ease, acceptance of what is happening. That is how he is dealing with it, so I want to send me the same energy that he is focusing on . And to Jan, I want to wish her life and survival. I want her to be able to handle this loss and not lose too much of herself. And I know that is what she is doing. And I am so proud of her. I can not imagine how hard it is too let the love of your life go. I am so glad that their son is here visiting. I wish him strength as he deals with this is in his own way.
Funny how I have always taken care of myself. Well, except that doing too much thing. But Colleen never seemed to take care of herself. She did all the things we are told not to do. I know so many people who have lived life as they chose, not as how the media scares into us. But now, Colleen is struggling with lung disease, heart disease, the stroke. And her body is not well enough to snap back. She wants to live. I am glad to be alive. She will have to fight to live. I will only live to live. And I pray that she out lives me.
And now the reason I am here is because Colleen's husband, Spat had 2 vertebrates fused and a herniated disk repaired. He is in big time pain. Basically lying on his back is the only place that he is not in unbearable pain. I am not in any pain at all.
And my friend Phyllis. She is dealing with her own situation right now. She is waiting on the results to tell her if this is benign or malignant. She is being so positive and up about this. I am proud of her, but I hope she knows that if she gets a little tired, just for a little while, of being positive, she can not be positive. It is OK. It is her nature to look at things with a positive attitude, so I know, like me, she is more comfortable with this attitude, but it is also OK to sometimes be down.
And I have been telling you how tired I am. And whenever anyone says that I do too much. I come back all righteous about how little I do. Then I read the list of things I have done lately that Ms Moon wrote........Oh, I had no idea. I thought I was just living my life. I never thought about it the way she does. No wonder everyone looks at me like I am crazy. So, what can I do about it? Well, most of the things I deal with are just what any person would do with a home, property and animals. And honestly, I am not doing the best job of keeping things up. They are fine for me. But I can see where others might want to do for me. I am still working on that.
I have to say that a little bit of the tired blew off my shoulders after reading Ms Moon's blog. I could not decide how if I am doing so well am I so tired. I never do anything. OK, so I do a lot. Maybe not more then any other normal person, but I am not normal, and I am asking my mind, body and spirit to live with cancer, and take care of all the other things I feel responsible for. So of course I feel tired. I think I have had a bit of fear in that I could not seem to quit being tired. I don't have normal fear, so I didn't recognize it. Not I realize that I am tired, it is perfectly normal for my life when everything is considered.
Thank you Ms Moon.
That was the nicest way of helping me understand that I could ever have asked for.
Or not asked for, but need to hear.
So, now that it is OK for me to be tired.
And to recognize that I am going to have to find some me time.
Some time for me to rest
I have no idea when that is going to happen,
and I am not going to pressure myself, but I am going to be a little kinder. And maybe, just maybe in my doing and busy things that I feel committed to do, I will find a little happy, and a little rest.
And then maybe I will be positive again. But if I am not, that is OK, it will come back, because that is who I am. That is not who everyone around me is. And thank goodness for that. The two birthday people did not want to do anything special for their birthday. But one has agreed to dinner next week. And I promise not to go overboard, to go out to eat, and to only bring a card. And the other one, I left a couple of very small presents, but ones that I hoped would make her smile. And they did. So that is good. And I am going to get her over for dinner or to get her out next week. And again, I will not pressure them about their birthday, but I will get to spend with them, and I will know why, and that will make me happy. Because it is just special to get to be with someone during their birthday month. I don't know why, but it is to me. And if I can get my time with them in a way that makes them happy and me happy, then that is how we will do it.
Just like I told Ms Moon this morning. I am proud that she and Mr Moon are going to Mexico. This is going to be such a special Christmas for them. They will get to spend it just the way they want. No pressure about following tradition. No racing around the stores hunting for presents. Just taking time to be some place they love, and some place they love to be together. I think that is wonderful! But that does not mean that I am not going to celebrate Christmas the way I like. I do not want her to veer off of this path. She is trying something new, and it might be a once in a life time thing, or it might be something that they do in different ways each year. And as long as I get to do what I want, she gets to do her way.....her way.
And so, I am tired and ready to go to bed. I will not have three dogs on top of me as I try to sleep tonight. I will not be awakened by tennis balls in the face at 7:00 am. this is after they tried to start waking me up at 6:00 but I crawl under the goose. I may need to get up to help Spat. That is OK. I will do that. It can't be any worse then three dogs and 4 cats and an ear ever alert to the noises from the chickens.
And I think now that I realize how and why I feel like I do. And now that the doctors have come out and said, a positive attitude does not make any difference in getting a disease or not, of living or not. Well, I feel a lot less pressure, the world seems to have slowed it wobble and I can feel my happy deep in side sighing.
It will be back.
oh shoot, probably
but no pressure until it does