Rob, JongAe and Jessica came around noon to pick up Dad. It was bittersweet. One side of me understands that he has his life in Palmetto, and I have mine here. But another side worries over him, and I wish we were closer so I could do more for him.
I need to get organized and pull out all the presents I have received and go over the receipts with my lists to make sure that I have gotten what I have ordered and what have I received and follow through on anything sent by mistake or what I have not received yet.
After the family left I baked cookies to take to the Cast Party. It was a beautiful evening and I drove over with the top down. I got there a little late and everyone was busy eating. Many in front of the TV while Fred's video of Sin, Sex and the CIA played. I joined those on the stairs who were watching. It was great to see the show finally. It was an amazing production. And so much fun getting to sit around and watching it together with most of the cast. George and Linda didn't make it, and everyone asked about them. Amanda had gotten her hair cut and looked amazing. Buzzy was home studying, and we missed him also. The rest of us sat around, plates overflowing, hearts swelling with pride over the end result of all the hard work and opening up even further as we recognize that this time is over. This group will not get together again for this show. We will work together again, we will support each other and go and see other plays that some of us will be in, but this moment in time has played through and is closed. The light is off, the stage is dark. It was worth every second. I learned so much and found a little faith in myself. I still need to work on my self confidence. I don't know why it is so hard for me to recognize my own worth. I can see it in others. Why do I deny it for myself?!!!
I left early and started driving home. Fred had made DVDs for all of us of both this play and of the Poe reading. I got a DVD of Poe for Ms Moon and as I drove by her house I could see lights on so I drove up just for a minute to give her the DVD. I got to see both Mr and Ms Moon. They are just so precious. And I know Ms Moon is not celebrating Christmas, but I am. And I don't want to even hear that I can not be me. The same with two friends I have whose birthday is December 2. Both have announced that they are not celebrating their birthday. OK, I respect that...but.....all I want is to get to spend time with them near their special day. I won't even say happy birthday more then once. I just want to be able to have dinner or lunch, or even just 30 minutes with them for their special day. I will not tell anyone, I will not force anything on them, but these dear precious someones mean so much to me and I just want to get a chance to be with them. To whisper a quiet thank you for having them in my life. So, maybe to not impose on their wishes I will celebrate with them after their big day, give them time to get through their birthday and then I can get to be with them. We can call it a holiday get together. And for the Moon's? Well, I can always say it is not Christmas presents, but bon voyage presents. Going to Mexico. I don't expect Ms Moon to celebrate Christmas, but that doesn't mean I can't. I am willing to compromise. But not celebrating a birthday, not celebrating a holiday is a time gone by. A moment never to be captured, a moment lost in time, time that can not be made up. And time is shorter then any of us know.
Today I woke after sleeping well and it was raining. Steady rain. It has been so long since we have had rain that it almost seems foreign, out of place. And yet so needed. The plants looks better then I have seen them in forever. They just sucked up all of that moisture and even though it was not a lot of rain, and will not make a dent in our deficit, the plants took it in and stood up tall again.
The cold is coming in, by Wednesday night it will be freezing. This morning when I opened the door the damp cold swept in and through me chilling me to the core. I closed the door and turned the heat on. I called friends to get reference for a CPA. I went on the computer and tried to down load the forms I needed for my conference call later in the day. I found all the papers. I really have to get organized.
I drove up to the Monticello post office, the rain was starting to let up but left the bone chilling cold. I mailed my packages, dropped off my garbage and hurried home to the warmth of the house. I went on line and filled in a few gaps in my presents. Cyber Monday deals. Oh yeah!! Then the conference calls started.
And the rest of the day was spent starting to organize presents. Looking at wrappings and determining how many bags I will have to make, what material should I use. I watched sappy Hallmark movies. Yes, I love those sappy happy ending movies. I love to read adventure novels where good always outsmarts evil. I love watching movies that have happy endings. I love this time of year where they pull at our heart strings. I don't care their motives, sell me things? Convince me that they are the best at what they do? OK, I don't care, I just love to sit with a box of Kleenexes and watch these things. Shoot Publix commercials start the waterworks. It is all part of letting go the old year and the preparation of being open to the new challenges for the coming year.
I have been thinking about this year's new years resolutions and what should I pick. I love new year's resolutions. I don't go for the ones with pressure like loosing, or gaining weight. I don't try the hard things like quitting smoking or doing more exercises. No, for the last two years, Vicki and I chose to laugh more often. We did great the first year, it was a little harder this year, but fun to try to do. But I think I need to come up with a new one this year. Something I will want to do. Something to focus on and feel successful. I still have time to think about it. Maybe eat more chocolate. Hmmm, sounds interesting, and I am sure that one will be in the top ten, but I can see where that could be a problem with my inability to eat at times. How about making 5 new friends? hmmm that one should go into the top ten also. Read one more book? Pet the kids more often? Oh I am on a role now.
Well, enough thinking for one day. A good day. A day to appreciate others. To be aware of their value and how they gave me their best. Took time to make sure that my concerns are answered and that I will have enough to live my life for the next couple of years. To make the most of what I have managed to save through the last few years.
This time next week I may be down in Weeki Wachi. Colleen is still fighting her battle with heart disease, congested lungs, a stroke, generally not taking care of herself as much as she should have. Spat has been able to reschedule his back surgery. Looks like it could be the end of this week. And I am so grateful that I will be able to play a very small part in giving back to them all the love and care and giving that they gave to me. Spat and Colleen were there for Larry and I through our marriage, and then afterwards. They were still there when we found out about what was wrong with Larry, and they were the ones that stood up and said we will help when we needed it most. And then gave and opened their home and took care of both of us. They were there when Larry took his last breath on this planet. The three of us cried and shared in his passing, mourning the man we had known for so many many many years And they, like me, put aside all the craziness and just tried to love him at the end. He knew. He knew we were there, and he knew we loved him. And he left this planet surrounded by friends and love. And now, in a very small way, I hope to be there for them to help. And like before I am sure that I will be the one that gains the most. It has been a long time since people have let me give back. Maybe that should be my resolution. To learn how to let people let me give back.
I have been given so much these past few years, by so many dear precious people. Some I hardly know, others whom I love with all my heart. But everywhere I have turned these last couple of years human beings have done for me, provided a kind word, a whispered prayer, a bag of leftovers to try and get me to eat, small thoughtful gift. Others have done big jobs like sitting with me while I had toxic chemicals poured through my veins in a false hope that they would cure me. People have worked hard, given their time, love, energy and money to make sure that I had what I needed. And I have learned to accept these gifts. To understand the importance to let others give. And now, maybe it is my time to learn again how to give back in a way that these precious beloved ones understand that it is not out of obligation or paying back, but out of simple love.
Learn how to give so that people receive the gift as a compliment not to the giver, but to realize that to receive allows another to give. And that may be the most precious gift we can give to anyone.