Sittin On A Porch

Sittin On A Porch
Our little back porch

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

A new day tomorrow

So this week has crept along. We have been busy at work.  I have the most amazing staff.  I know I have said this before, but really, no raise in the last like 5 years, we are now working at about half staff with the same work load and everyone keeps coming back each day.  In fact because we are now testing a new commerce site so that we can start the process of accepting credit cards for payment, they have all come in early so that they can get their regular work done as well as do this new testing.  And the IT section is having meetings and asking lots of questions, and they are right there.  In fact they were coming up with such great ideas and giving out such great information, I left the meeting to man the phones and let them attend the meeting.  OK, I am not crazy about meetings, but honestly I was trying to use my Certified Public Manager training.  After all I have my certification or whatever it is called and I like to use what they taught me.  It really does make a difference, and what I didn't want to run into was group think.  This is where everyone goes along with the boss in the room.  So I took the boss out of the room and delegated the authority to them to make any necessary decisions and changes, with my final approval.  But I rarely have to make any changes to their decisions.  And it has taken a while to get the other people like the IT Section to not worry about me being in the meeting, but letting them instead work with the people who have done the work the longest, get the best input and then just send me an email about any changes so that I can sign off on it.  It works well, and now with my cancer and being gone so much, the staff has really responded and they just blow me away.  Giving people the power to have input and make decisions about their own destiny, work wise, brings the best out of my staff, and I can't help but think that it would work with most groups.  That is once you have properly delegated them the authority and respect to participate.

I heard from my Ex husband at the beginning of the week.  He was in the hospital in Brandon with an aneurysm or something pressing on his brain.  I also think it was bleeding.  It was hard to tell because by this point he was unable to do much more then the most basic communication, and that was difficult to understand.  It does explain some of his extraordinary behavior when he was here.  He was more aggressive and was already having problems talking, but he had been drinking so much by the time I got home each day (I would find the glasses with the remains of the alcohol) I naturally did not think any more then he was drunk.  I have seen it more days then not in the last 5 years.  They relieved the pressure on his brain by drilling a hole in the left side of his skull.  He is doing much better now.  I understand that he will be going up to stay with his oldest brother Carl when he first gets out of the hospital.  I am glad that he and Carl will have this time together.  Maybe they can get to be friends.  It seems like the last couple of years he and his brother Sandy have started to become friends.  Carl must be at least 73 or so, Sandy a couple years younger then that and Larry will be 61 in February.  I am glad to see them getting together again.  I am glad he has family to go to at this time.

I have tried to call the doctor's office this week to find out if they have received the medical records, but I could never get through to anyone.  So we will just see tomorrow what they have gotten.  I had something to do each day after work, so I was able to avoid going to get copies of my records for my own records.  I know I need to do it, but it is more then I have been able to face.  I start out all brave, have my will drawn up.  Find out how to get my titles changed to add my brothers to it, so when I am gone they will not have to pay probate on it, talk to people about all of the choices and options for my retirement.  I have looked into all of this, but I still have 3/4 of it yet to finish taking care of.  I have been given lots of good ideas, and now I have a few more things to look into.  

And my mind is clearer, but my stamina is still pretty low.  I am not complaining.  I know that this will go away at some point.  And in the meantime I am trying to learn how to take care of myself.  I do like a quarter of what I used to do, but it still feels like too much.  And who knows what this new doctor is going to try.  It is sad to think I have such a slow lethargic cancer that standard chemo can't get rid of it because it attacks the fastest growing cells, and my cancer is not the fastest growing cells.  Go figure.  Of course Linda and I laughed and laughed that neither of us are surprised that I got the strange cancer.  I have never been one to do what is normal.  I guess that goes all the way into my genes.  Go figure.  

So I am trying to get back to a normal life.  A new normal.  A life where I live with my cancer.  Where every thought, every sentence, every moment is not centered around cancer.  The Copernicus of my life, my cancer.  Well, it is time to learn to put it in its place.  Maybe my hair will start to grow back in, that will help to give me back a life that is not focused first on cancer.  A life where I can be just another person.  Yes, I know my life will not be the same as it was a year ago.  Whose life is the same?  I don't know, maybe there are people whose life is happy, static for the most part, predictable and stable.  OK, I don't want that.  But I would like to have a life that contains adventures and grows and changes, but again, is not focused on what I can't do, but focused again on what I can do.  I doubt that I will work as long as I had always planned.  OK, a change in my plans, but if I make the right decisions, that is a good thing.  A new and exciting time in my life where I can maybe get back to gardening.  Where I nurture a new life.  A life where I might get up each morning and the warming of the day will already find me in the garden. Where I can get up each morning and have a cup of tea and finally have the time to read the paper, or take a walk or focus on what needs to be done here at Labrun, instead of the office.  I have worked for the people of Florida for more then 30 years.  I have done that because I liked working with the people.  I liked the opportunity to help people understand the pesticide rules and regulations.  Where I got to spend time on farms and plant nurseries.  I have gotten to travel all around this country and work with some of the most amazing people.  I have gotten to go up in helicopters, ride in air boats, see from the pilot's perspective a fixed wing application of fertilizer.  I have gotten to be a part of regulations and education; of Enforcement and compliance.  I have gotten to try and put common sense in these rules and policies and to let the people who work in these areas have their voices heard.  And I am not done yet.  But it might be time to think about another journey.  After all we are all taking many journeys at one time.  We are mothers and daughters, friends and co-workers, we all wear many hats and I am ready to focus on other parts of my journey that are not all about cancer.  It is time to see what other possibilities have opened up now that I have cancer.  It has given me new options.  No matter if those options are not what I always thought I would have, they are new options.  They can be gifts if I let them.  


  1. This may be your most beautiful post yet.
    I wish so much I was going with you tomorrow but I will hear how it went from you and Judy and it will all be fine.
    I have lit a candle and it is burning for you and that seems like all I can do right now, this second, from so far away, but it is love made visible through light and who knows?
    Love you, dear. Talk to you tomorrow.

  2. Wow. This is really great. In some ways it reminds me of the body after childbirth... having to get used to a "new normal" You will find it. I know you will.