Sittin On A Porch

Sittin On A Porch
Our little back porch

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Breaking my heart

My Daddy just called. It breaks my heart to have to talk to him about this.  He has always told me that I had to out live him.  I had to tell him the other day that I am still trying to, but he may have to accept that things could be different.  No, I don't feel like I am dying.  But until we can run the tests to see if there is any positive difference I know myself.  I will keep all possibilities on the table.  And at this point that it is all there, possibilities.  It is possible I will not be here in a year.  It is possible that I will be here in 3 years, maybe 5, could be 10, there is still a possibility that I could be here 20 years.  I don't know, and I don't have any tests for another several weeks that will tell me.  So for now, I am trying on each possibility.  And I have to be honest.  It all feels possible.  I am hopeful, and still feel that for the most part I feel confident that once again, life will be good to me and I will be around for a while yet.  But having to talk to my sweet Daddy and unfortunately I am to talk about accepting of all this better then he is able to.  He is scared, he can't imagine one of his children not out living him.  I think he had fear when Rob was in the Coast Guard back in the 1970s while Viet Nam was still going strong.  I remember hearing him and Mother talk, did they make the right decision.  Would he be safe.  There was fear with the other sons, but not like Viet Nam.  And I know they had fear when I planned on going to the Peace Corp.  But my health did not allow me to go.  

And now, once again I am being told that I will only live for so long.  And once again, I have to take it all in, wrap myself up in it, and try it out.  It still doesn't to feel like it fits any better then before when they gave me an expiration date.  I don't seem to do well with expiration dates.  And yet, each moment needs to be considered.  So even though I am having the beginning of the joint and muscle and shin split feeling in my long bones.  Well, I have been through this last time. It is right on schedule, and much easier to deal with this time.  Hopefully it will only last about week again.  After that is the bone tired exhaustion.  But these are symptoms of the chemo, not the cancer, and hopefully the chemo is hunting up all the bad, nasty, evil cells and doing what it is supposed to do.  I picture the cancer cells falling like yellow leaves, caught up in a whirl wind and being blown off the bone, the lungs, the pleural lining, and the cells are dead and the blow away to be discarded by a body too strong to be beaten by cancer.  Will all the cells blow away?  I don't know.  But I just need enough of the cells to blow away to get my life back.  

But I didn't just lay around the house today.  Nope.  Larry is here.  There is good and bad tied up here.  He has his own problems, and there is the small side of me that thinks "I have cancer, I don't want to have to deal with other people's problems"  Unfortunately then I realize, once again how blessed I feel, and so I try to be more considerate.  But there is a time frame involved here.  But as part of letting bygone's be bygone's, we went to the IMAX 3D theater up at the Tallahassee Mall and saw Legends of Guardians of Ga'Hoole.  Larry has not been to that type of 3D movie before.  He enjoyed it and appreciated it.  I enjoyed seeing the movie.  I have read I am not sure 16 or 17 of the Kathryn Lasky series. Then we came home and took it easy.  Larry has fixed the Chicken coop door, and got the lawnmower running, triage the golf cart and is making a list of all the things he is willing to do while he is here.  You can say what you want about him, and everyone with a comment would be speaking the truth, but for right now, he is here and helping me.  For a short time frame, this is fine.  Longer term?  No.  I have already gone into get food that I thought was there and he has eaten it.  No, this is my place and I like being a lone.  I appreciate the assistance and the company, for a short time.  But we are divorced.  It is nice that we can still be kind to each other, but this is not something that can last for long.  No, he needs to get himself together, feel good that he came back and did a few nice things.  Will it ever fix what he did before.  No, but as long as I keep my head about me, it doesn't hurt to allow the kindnesses.

And it is another day, am I dying?  Aren't we all?  Do I feel like I am dying faster then others?  No, not really, does it bother me?  No, why should it.  The only thing I have to make sure is to keep any open mind, don't accept anything to quickly.  Wait for it, wait for the results.  Eat healthy, get up and live my life.  Take time to read and watch old movies.  I love to watch old movies.  Talk on the phone to beloveds, email beloveds, go on Facebook and respond to my beloveds.  So many people to love in my life.  So many people that I have laugh out loud memories with.  Sitting on melting ice in college, wear "I love Pi" to a pool party after we have hunted for a neighbors lost dog.  Attending the ACT art auction, being a founding member of Christmas Bliss on Pine Island, getting to pea in Alice's restaurant; eating in a 600 year old restaurant with my Dad and brother and sister in law in Spain.  Watching my 10 year old nephew graduate from Space Camp; watch a video on Face Book of my 14 year nephew in the marching band for his high school; remembering all the fun we had in marching band in high school.  Riding a BMW motor cycle across AK; camping on the Algonquin lake in Canada listening to the frogs and loons serenade me to sleep only to be awaken by the skin prickling sound or a wolf howl; waking up with my Bob laying his head on my neck and wanting hugs and attention; feeding Marina and not loosing an arm; getting a tattoo with Vicki; tea on Ms Moon's porch; being part of a production at the Opera House; sipping wine with the ladies of the Camellia Garden Circle; dressing up to be a Foley for the Radio play; sitting in my garden weeding, I love to weed, therefore I garden.  Do I sound like someone ready to give up?  No, but I do sound like someone who has lived so much of my life, happily, blessedly, full of wonder; of hot air balloons, sky diving, sailing, boat racing, motor cycling, cooking, gardening, reading, sewing, crocheting knitting, canning, sipping wine or a martini with friends.  That is it.  My life has been so full of dear beloveds ones.  My parents were friends, my brothers are friends.  Not only have I done so many amazing and cool things, but so often I got to share the experiences with beloveds.  I am a lucky person.  And I know it and I am grateful, and I hope to continue being grateful for all the amazing people in my life.

So here is to another Christmas as a Sugar Plum Fairy, another Halloween of dressing up as a witch or a fairy; another New Years surrounded by friends, or quietly home with my family, a birthday shared with others and having my Dad carving the turkey, travelling to Netherlands/Spain with Dad and to Scotland with Vicki. Here is to more life, from the simple giggles with martinis with the Moons to drinking champagne and caviar  I am still here and as long as I am here, I plan to make the most of it.  With a cat on my lap, a dog on my feet, chickens clucking in their coop, rabbits hopping around the yard, fishing swimming around the water lilies and lotus.  The small moments, and the grand.

Sunday, and the side effects aren't so bad.  And life is pretty good.


  1. Always knowing you are there makes my life better and more worth living.
    This was beautiful. But not as beautiful as you.

  2. That life sounds like bliss to me. I'd like a martini with Ms. Moon, and you.

    You know, expiration dates are arbitrarily picked and have no real relevance.

  3. There is a lesson in life you have just shared that is priceless. I for one value your words and am grateful for them. We all need to see that 'Life is Good"... and so life goes on.

  4. I hope that you hang in there for many years. But I truly believe that if I can just live this one day well, then I have it made. None of us knows the day or the hour....

  5. phenomenal ,
    each day as sacred

  6. Kathleen, I love your writing! I makes everything so much easier to assimilate!
    May peace be with you!