Sittin On A Porch

Sittin On A Porch
Our little back porch

Tuesday, July 19, 2011


Sunday I had Christopher go to bed at 9, so he would be able to get up at 7 and leave for space camp at 8.  I wasn't sure how long it would take us to get to camp, but I was sure it would not take an hour, but to make sure that we had plenty of time for the first day, we might as well leave early.
Yesterday morning wetn smooth.  He got up with no problems.  Took his shower, got dressed, we got our breakfasts together, fed the "kids" and off we headed.  It only took 40 minutes to get to camp. So that was great.  Unfortunately, we were a week early.  I told him that it was just a practice run, but I don't think he bought it, he is a clever child.

So since we had all this free time and were in downtown Tallahassee, we decided to do some of the fun things in the downtown area.  First we went up to the 22nd floor of the new capitol and looked out the windows at the city.  It is so beautiful with all the trees and green space.  We tried hard to see if we could find anything of Monticello, but maybe with binoculars we might catch a glimpse of something.  That is pretty far away.  Then we walked around the old capitol and bought Ms Moon's birthday present at the gift store.  I admit to not being particularly comfortable in the new capitol for fear I will run into the criminal we call a governor.  I have no respect for the man, and therefore, to be respectful to the position, I would just as soon not have to speak to the person who claims to make jobs for Florida, but so far as only fired people.  People.  Not positions, people.  People that worked hard and served the citizens of the state of Florida.  Citizens who like state workers are struggling to make ends meet.  Citizens who must rely on the government right now for more assistance because of every one's tight budget.  As a state employee I know first hand that I worked as hard as I could everyday, and that my staff worked very hard.  Sometimes they would slip off and fall behind because there was just too much work to do, and day after day working your hardest with little thanks and no relief in site.  So we simply spent more time in the old capitol, where there is a video of his-self playing, so we simply avoided that room.

After the capitols I wanted to go ahead and see if we could find the COCA office.  We walked the several blocks there and found the building way too early to go in, so walked a little farther and had something to eat and drink.  It is amazing how often you have to feed children, even those as old as 11.  Dogs and cats can be fed once a day, or you can leave food in a bowl, but humans must be fed on a regular basis.  This of course includes me, but I don't eat very regularly lately and so have had to make an effort to make sure that I feed him often enough.  He will tell me he is hungry, which could mean thirsty or hungry, and of course we are working things out.  Last year, I was working, so we had a set schedule for me to make sure I fed him.  And I was sick part of the time, and he fed himself.  This year is different in that I am new at this journey I am on now, and so all of a sudden I will look down and realize that he has not eaten in so many hours, and even if he is not hungry at that time, he will be soon.  I am sure that parental units are amazed at this simple task I find so curious, but remember my mind is altered a bit with the drugs I am on, so new tasks, or responsibilities seem so much larger to me these days.  It seems that I spend most of my energy just trying to live my life, and I have not fully recovered, rest wise from the trip.

The interview went just fine.  The writer was very sweet and intelligent and interesting and I think she only asked me 3 questions.  Two to get the ball rolling, then one at the end to wrap things up.  I have been interviewed, or interviewed enough people that I just go from where they start me, and try to logically provide a basic chronological history of how I got where we started to where the interviewer is focusing.  I try to provide anecdotes and facts and if they are going to write 500 words, then I try to give them at least twice what they need, so they can pick and choose.  It means that I will have no idea what the article is really about, but that is kind of fun.

After the interview we walked over to the Florida Natural History Museum.  I really wanted to see the Florida landscape exhibit with the highwaymen and Clyde Butcher, being a huge fan of both. And this was an excellent exhibit.  The juxtaposition of Clyde's black and white photos of Florida and the Highwaymen's garish oil/acrylic colors of the landscape made both more fascinating.  I love the highwaymen's art.  The fact that they basically had no training, poor tools to work with, often painting of gipson board and the like only having canvas when they could afford it, makes their talent and work seem all the more amazing.  Some of the artist are basic folk art, beautiful and simply and rustic.  But some of the work is as technically talented as famous artists in the world's great galleries.  I means these men had pure raw talent and passion.  So opposite from Clyde's focused cool passion.  Then we looked at many of the exhibits.  We apparently missed a couple of rooms, like with the fossils and the skeletons of ancient creatures, but that will give us another reason to go back.

After the museum we walked back to the car and then ran some errands then stopped by to see Ms Moon before we headed home for a little rest.  I had the most wonderful time with Christopher, but was completely exhausted from all the walking and activity.  And I love spending time with him, but this has been a lot of weeks where I have not had any just alone with me time, and it is wearing me out.  I try to plan alone time in, but I also treasure the little amount of time I have with my nephew.

And last night, then this morning a few events occurred that just broke my heart.  I of course will recover, but it was again a reminder to me that even though I am surrounded by loved ones, I am alone.  And honestly do not have anyone to rely on, to lean against when I am tired, or worn out, or sad.  There is nothing wrong with being alone, and I do thrive on that most of the time.  But I was also married for almost 25 years and even though we had many difficulties and challenges, in my mind, I still had someone who loved me and would be there for me.  That was not always true, I mean the "would be there for me" part.  But now I can not say that about anyone.  Oh, don't get me wrong, I can call family and friends near and far, but I can not let down my guard and be completely vulnerable and just be held by someone special.  That person no longer exists in my life.  And I am as afraid as clueless as to know how to find someone that I could learn to trust and lean on.  There is something to be said for having that one person, who is not perfect, but that for whatever reason you feel like you can just let go completely, be totally open and lean over into their arms and just feel loved and safe.  

Christopher is a very affectionate child and often balances on the arm of my chair like a parrot, wrapping his arm around me and resting his head on mine.  He pats my arms, he hugs me.  And he is a wonderful child.  His love and affectionate sweet and innocent.  Bob, my lab is also an affectionate creature who will often let me wrap my arms around him as he rests his head on mine.    And his love is sweet and affectionate and innocent.  And these loves are so precious and I am grateful for them, and very aware each time one of these moments occur, but it is not the same thing as an adult that you have an attraction for, a grown up you can trust to handle your moment of vulnerability, of need.  That is something that I have a hard time putting on my grown friends, let alone a child or pets, no matter how much like "kids" they are to me.  

I am so grateful for yesterday with Christopher and the look on Ms Moon's face when she opened her birthday present upon Christopher's request.  The look of love on that woman's face just melts me, and at times I can be vulnerable around her, and my Vicki, but most of the time, my hard head and shell do not allow me to run into their arms and weep and admit that my heart is breaking out of loneliness for someone to love me in that way that one person can give.

Enough feeling sorry for myself and weeping.  
It is just my heart breaking, and there is a young man practicing the harmonica who loves me with all his 11 year old heart can love his old wacky aunt.  And I love him with all my heart and he does not need to see my tears.  How could I ever begin to explain to him.
So, we shall work on our harmonica, our scripts and I think we shall head out in the hottest part of the day to go to the Junior museum, so that we can be back in time for rehearsal.  
I believe that a broken heart has more room for love, so although I am sad this morning and confused about what to do, or how to do whatever it is I am supposed to do, I know that this too will pass, and regardless if I fine that love again or not, I have so much love in my life, that once my tears have cleared away a little of the debris, I will be happy and enjoy my life and see what is to come next.

1 comment:

  1. Obviously, we must talk. I love you, Kathleen.