Sittin On A Porch

Sittin On A Porch
Our little back porch

Thursday, September 9, 2010

But I said I wanted to be a better person

Yesterday morning Judy picked me up around 7:30 and then over to Mary's and then to the hospital for my second treatment.  Judy had not slept well finishing up her grant and then fighting a little under the weather, problably from all the stress of writing the grants these many many weeks, so bless her heart she looked rough and still had to print and overnight the grant.  Mary had not slept well either.  I had actually slept ok and was fired up and ready to face another treatment.  This one with more knowldge then the first one, and hopefully with a more positive attitude.  I was perky and moving with energy.  I was ready to face the day head on, no matter the obstacle.

First stop was at the doctor's where they took blood, took my weight and then gently admonished me for my weight loss.  That was ok, I have not been able to eat well with my throat so I had thought that maybe my weight was low, but had stablized.  No, they told me I had lost 8 pounds.  First, these numbers they come up are so unrealistic.  Secondly my system is working better and moving things through a little better then when they weighed me last tme, so that weight was a false reading in the first case, and it was taken before my throat problem and I was trying to increase my calories and weight at the time, plus I had hair.  So I just smiled and agreed with them that I promised as soon as I could eat again I would try and be a better patient.  they smiled.  Then we met with Dr.  B and this is when Ms Moon had to sweetly remind me that I never remember the negative.  That I had gotten nauseas after the last chemo and had been sick the enitre day before to boot.  She was right on both accounts, I do have horrible linear thinking and I do forget about the bad as qickly as possible.  But all in all I was doing well, the blood work looked fine and off to the hospital we went.  But not before speaking a few words of encouragement to a loving woman named Minnie, but prefers to be called Cookie who was sitting there.  She does not have cancer but a blood disease and I hope they can fix it, she seemed like such a lovely person.

I did not understand about the paperwork so showed up with the wrong pages.  The nurse filling in the job was a bit flustered at first, but as soon as she saw that I was calm, she called the doctor and got everything fixed.  She is a very nice person.  All in all the nurses this time were much calmer and all so very very nice.  So the chemo was finally started and I was not affected this time as much by the Benadryl or the other meds.  I started to feel the slightest twinge of nausea at one point and looked up at the IVs and realized I was still in the premeds which are anit-nausea and I laughed at myself.  Mary brought me soup from the cafeteria and I was able to eat it.  Then I was even awake for tea time and had a lovely spot of tea, but no cookies, because they looked like they would be hard to swallow.  

And when we first got there an started the treatment there was a lovely ederly man with a voice like a song.  I said so and asked where he was born.  He said St. Thomas and smiled, talked about his "wife's" children in a joke when I asked how many he had.  I can tell he says that a lot and I bet his wife is as sick of hearing it as my mother became of my father's favorite jokes, but it tickled him and made us all smile.  he was such a sweet man and when he left our big hearted exhausted Judy walked with him down to the entrance so his son could pick him up.  Such lovely people we have met on this journey so far.

And through the day I learned more and more of my bad behavior from the last treatment, week 2 exactly after the last treatment.  I was rude and threw temper tantrums and was ugly and just all around unpleasant.  I remember some crazy behavior and I remember at times stopping myself and thinking why am I acting like such an ass?  And then I would try and be better.  And as I heard more and more of my behavior I felt horrible.  But what was I going to do now?  I was being told in the sweetest way possible, but it still broke my heart that my friends had to live with it.  I am not saying that what I said wasn't true.  Oh, yes babies it was true.  But I don't normally feel required to tell everyone the whole truth if it is hurtful.  I am a Southern lady,  we hold those types of things in or let them usually wash off our back or put them in our gossip purse so when we are cloistered on a porch with a glass of lemonade or a cup of tea we can bring up the behavior and tut tut over it.  i don't normally send emails that are unpleasent.  But I am still affected by those behaviors, which is why I refuse to say that I was wrong.  Handled it not in the best way, oh, I will agree to that, but the observations were correct, and some of the behaviors are actually changed, for now.  

But the only goal I had set for myself was to be a better person, and I have not done so well on that.  Today is a new day, the day after treatment two and I have had the blinders lifted, and you can bet that I will work harder and harder each treatment to be as close to that goal of learning to be a better person as I can.

After all this bad behavior of mine was directed at my most beloveds.  I guess because they were closer and were trying so hard to help me.  And last night I stayed at Ms Moon's so she could take care of me, and Judy fed the animals and settled them in for the night.  I ate delicous squash soup and cooked apples/blueberries and drank a little glass of chocolate milk.  and enjoyed every bite.  She is an angel, our Ms Moon.  I am just telling you something you already know, but she is.  She took phone calls from worried friends and over all took all the pressure off me last night.  

And now I need to get up and going, take the trash to the dump, clean David Smith's cage and let her out to run a little bit, I do hope I can catch her again.  And get the house a little straightened up before Dad gets her on Saturday.  And enjoy how well I feel this day after chemo.  I do feel good and again so thankful for all my blessings and this journey.    Oh and my friends!


  1. I love you so much. And you know what? Even when you were being mean (and you warned me when we first met that you were and I just laughed), you were pretty funny about it. And when you weren't being mean you were being as sweet as pie. It all evens out. There has to be SOME anger in that sweet mind of yours about all of this. I mean really- how can there not be? And it has to come out somehow. You certainly weren't mean to me and you weren't even "mean" actually. More just very strong in your opinions. And there is nothing wrong with that.
    I had a good time yesterday and if I can say that I had a GOOD time, sitting in a hospital, then you know I must certainly love and enjoy being with the people I was with.
    And I do. And I did.

  2. Southern or not, we all get angry and disgusted at times. It is natural. Let the feelings flow through and not consume. Sounds like you did that. That's a good thing.