Lists seem to be everywhere around me. A friend the other day emailed me and said that when he was sitting through the chemo he would make lists of all the things he was going to do when he was well. Things he had done before but wanted to do again, things never tried, small and large. And he tells me that he and his wife have checked things off the list and continuously look at it for ideas of things to do. Nice.
Then I watched one of those sappy made for TV movies on Hallmark. It was about a woman obsessed with lists. And by the predictable end she did not give up her lists, but rather realized what were the important things to put on her lists.
Today I spent about 15 minutes outside working in the garden and it felt good, but I felt sweaty quickly and I am not a person who normally perspires, I mean at all. In the past few years I have started to perspire on a hot day in the garden but I am built for heat. Sweating is a lost of hydration and my only responsibility through this process is to stay hydrated. So I pulled weeds and picked peppers for 15 minutes and thought that when my throat is better and I can drink and eat food to stay hydrated that might be a better time to start gardening. (But I might go back out in the morning for another 15 minutes tomorrow, moderation) So I did a very cursory cleaning of the house, a load of clothes and then started reading Kris Radish's The Sunday List of Dreams Bantam books, 2007. I think she has put out at least 2 new books since this one. Radish's two most popular books are, The Elegant Gathering of White Snow and Annie Freeman's Fabulous Traveling Funeral. I enjoy her writing, if I was to compare it to anyone that y;all would be familiar with would be Ms Moon. The Language is beautiful and brutal, blunt and truthful, and almost always with a dry sense of humor that makes me laugh out loud sometimes. And another friend of mine, who also is a writer, Kim, who lives in North Carolina and lives on the side of a mountain in a cabin with a husband named Jim who also is in the Naval Reserves so he is gone a lot and Kim survives her brutal beautiful world with lists. Lists of things that need to be repaired, ideas of ways to make an income that feels right, things to get ready when Jim comes home next week. I know this sweet sensitive woman and I love that about her. She makes lists, but she also gets out there and lives those lists. She is doing power point presentations on various subjects related to native plants, birds, insects, why leaves change in the fall, nature things. And she writes articles for the local newspaper about these same subjects and she is learning a lot. Newspaper writing will really hone your skill for writing. She gets 400 words. can you imagine me working with only 400 words, it would be a challenge. And she is not just thinking locally, she is already wondering about syndication. Hey why not? Why not do what you enjoy and find some way to make money with it. My favorite is an article she wrote about the ant and the grasshopper, how the original story was a katydid, not a grasshopper. Now for all you Entomologist, doesn't that make so much more sense? For all of you non-entomologist, saying grasshopper instead of katydid is like being forced to look at a crooked picture on the wall while at someones home for dinner. Crickets sing, katydids sing, grasshopper's are not thought of as "chirppers" or "singer's" like the other two, so that just was so much fun to hear. And that is what is special about Kim's writing she always tries to p put a bit of magic or folk lore and something positive in her articles. She wants her column to be something positive the people will look forward to reading each week.
And I thought about the idea of lists all day, and my conclusion, is like choosing not to fight the cancer. I choose not to go back to the same bad habit of making too many lists and instead of living in the moment, constantly missing the moment as I anticipate the next thing to keep all the balls in the air. I am a list maker, Christmas cards and gifts, grocery lists, to do lists before visitors, lists every day at work prioritizing each project. But I need to learn moderation, so for now anyway, I will try and live for the moment and leave the lists for other times. I have lived a wonderful and full life, and what else happens each moment forward of this journey and beyond can wait for now. So many things to learn, to experience, and each person must do it using their own strengths and learn the lessons that they are open to.
Sittin On A Porch
Our little back porch
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Friday, September 3, 2010
I am back kind of sort of
Monday morning Vicki left. It broke my heart. It was like I had missed most of the visit. Which I guess makes sense, but now she was flying back to Indiana. I know if I really need her she will be back her in a moment, and she did so much for me when she was here, but I am just not present most of the time. I don't know where I am. I don't know what happened to the live in the moment thing. I mean I loved that time, like at the beach there are moments so clear right this moment I can smell the beach and my friends woman scent mixed with cigarettes and rum, the glow of the sun on the water, the familiar sound of the soft ebb and flow of the surf. The feel of the chairs and the sand and the heat. Well, I guess cancer is what happened, and maybe it is my mind and body dealing with the happy out of control cells as they are chased down by the WMDs, I don't know. I am just glad that I had that time at the beach with Vicki and Mary and Judy and Denise. It was perfect even though there is a lot of time I was sleeping, when I was awake I was there and I was with some of my favorite woman. perfect.
Tuesday morning when I woke up my hair hurt. Not my skin, my hair, or to be exact, those tiny hair follicles that anchor your hair in your scalp that are the basis of your hair growth. It felt like I had worn my hair pulled back real tight for a week and then tried to brush it in the opposite direction, that kind of discomfort. But my hair appeared to be sticking in place. As I washed my hair it was quite uncomfortable and felt like maybe I was loosing some hair. I gently rubbed it with a towel like I normally do and there was hair everywhere. On my face covering the towel, the floor, and you would think when I looked at the mirror that I would have big bald spots, but no, it looks thinner, but not bald. And now here at work my head starts to hurt and I gently grab handfuls of hair and gently pull. Lots of hair comes out and I have filled a white legal size envelope. So not that much hair, but I am sure that within the next couple of days I will probably not have much left on top of my head. And by the way, I threw out the envelope of hair, I mean yuck. I grew up in Palmetto and one summer I worked for the Parks Department as a part time park ranger at Gamble Mansion in Ellenton. It is small as plantations go, an old sugar plantation. And in many of the rooms were these frames filled with flowers and fancy swirls, etc. made out of family member hair. I never liked those things they just creeped me out, all these dead peoples hair. I don't know, it was gross, like a car accident, you couldn't help but look at them and be amazed, but hair, yuck.
So I called Mary and off we went to see Ms Paige who cut my hair to about an inch long all over my head. I like it. I never thought of myself as a short hair person, Mary took pictures, and all in all I was happy with the feel, the ease and the look. But my hair still felt like it was getting ready to let go. And it did. and it still is.
And so I would sit here at night and stare at the computer and I would try and write. You remember that movie with John Travolta and he had seen a light and was it aliens or a tumor on his brain and he was brilliant and could levitate and it turned out of course to be the tumor not aliens. So anyway I don't have brain cancer, so I am not like a freaking genius or anything, and I can't levitate anything with just my mind. But as I would try and write I found that I could not spell. OK, so that is not so great, but I can write 2 sentences in the form of one sentence at one time. Without trying. Like who would try and do that? Code breakers Vicki suggested, hmmm, good idea, but I have no control over this, and well when you are trying to read something, between the misspelling and then the 2 sentences combined into one, it doesn't make sense. I would write my little heart out and then go back and proof read it, and it made no sense. If you read every other word in the sentence it would make sense, read the other words and there was a totally different sentence not related in anyway to the other sentence. And the worse part was I had no idea where I was going with either sentence. So I would just sit in my new red chair and stare at the computer. But then this fly or bug or something started flitting around my shoulders last night. I jumped up irritated, I was going to get that insect, whatever it was. It was hair. My hair falling out, gently tickling my shoulder as it slipped past to pile up on the chair. So here I am ready to have deal with this pesky pest and it is my own hair. So I vacuumed it up, sat back down and continued my crazy writing and deleting, but now I enjoyed the feel of the hair as I knew what it was.
You see having cancer is to go insane. Your nerves are all on edge with the treatments and the meds
So today was the final day, the last extension for me to send in my letter of tenure for a colleague of mine. A man I have grown to be quite found of, and his lovely sweet wife. We attend many conferences and trainings together besides being co-directors of the EPA PPG for certification for Florida. And I have grown to respect his talents and humor and tenacity. He is constantly moving forward, writing exams, manuals, setting up trainings, recording online programs, review programs, new regulations trainings, negotiating computer based exams with IT and multiple Agencies. I mean an all around nice and talented man, who seems happy in his life and choice of career. And here I have to write a letter to support his tenure and I can't spell, no problem, spell check! But I can't get two sentences to follow the same thought, even when they are interwoven amongst each other. I got the letter written and sent off, but I am sorry I hope this doesn't hurt him. I tried so hard to provide clear documentation on some of the amazing things he does. I hope it makes sense. I mentioned several times in my emails that I had cancer, I hope they take that into consideration.
And I am adding him to my list of Role Models. He has had his own brush with the "C" and look what a full and happy and amazing life he has. And he and his sweet lovely wife do fun things and are always on the go and look like they really enjoy each other. Yep, on the list.
Now it is Friday, and almost a week since I was able to put together more then a few sentences on the blog, and hair has the mange, big time. Both sides of my head, bald patches where I lay my head on the pillow sleeping. Full hair on the front of my head, mangy on the bank and my little sideburns strong and holding. Hat or scarf decision day. Scarf, dew rag, to be exact, blue the color of Rich's eyes. I set my outfit of the day, take a shower, clog the drain big time. I mean like two heaping handfuls of hair, yuck. Get dressed, do the makeup, face the scarf. I have a small head, a very small head and ears that turn out to be quite large and stick out on either side which actually help to make my head not look so small, but who is kidding who, I have a little head, big ears that stick out, large bony shoulders, strong enough to handle many different journeys and adventures. And I have a bump, fortunately not large enough to notice, especially with my ears. And moles and just a sort of small shaped head, not "perfect". Thank goodness I asked everyone who volunteered to shave their heads when I lost my hair not to, because I thought what if they have perfect heads and I don't and I have cancer. Nope, lets not go there. I change my outfit and pull on my blue hat and off to work I go. I noticed I had much less traffic into and past my office. I realize it was the Friday before a 3 day holiday so it was half empty, but I mean I looked mangy. And I did not wear the hat all day. Just when I went outside. It doesn't bother me that I look mangy, really I can't see it. And when I rub my hands over my head, I still feel hair.
But it was time. So as I left the office I called Ms Moon. She was over visiting Lily and Jason and oh yeah, Owen. Well you don't think I am going to let Ms Moon visit Owen just around the corner from my office and not go. When I pulled up to Lily and Jason's there stood the precious Ms Moon with Mean Aunt Jessie and Lily with Owen dressed smartly in his yellow shirt and orange pants holding his duck with the same colors. Ms Moon looks at my mangy head and sweetly says do you want to have your head shaved? "Yes, I do", I said. And so Lily went in to get the clippers and Jessie shaved my head while Owen played with shovels and axes and large dangerous objects, smiling that smile that just grabs your heart and squeezes it hard. And I love how Owen laughs every time he sees me. I think he is starting to get to know me, and even though I know he does not notice the same things that all of us older people notice like a mangy head, it is nice to have a child laugh at you each time he sees you. And right now having someone laugh when they see me just feels right. So now I have a fine bristly fuzz, well where I have hair. Jessie did a fine job. And again I had to accept that I have cancer. I see it in my eyes. My large brown eyes that seem to fill the space where I used to have hair. Those eyes look just fine. Not scared, a little crazy, mostly just watching to see what is next, acceptance of a journey not chosen, but gladly taken and appreciated.
At first I wasn't thrilled with my scrawny new bald self, but as I have let it settle around me, I am happy with this look. This ever changing journey. And a ball cap is a good choice, the bill balances the ears. Funny how as I shed my hair I am gaining my ability to communicate again. Able to fulfill my need to write to make a record, and maybe to reach out. hmmmm, not sure about that last one, but just maybe.
Tuesday morning when I woke up my hair hurt. Not my skin, my hair, or to be exact, those tiny hair follicles that anchor your hair in your scalp that are the basis of your hair growth. It felt like I had worn my hair pulled back real tight for a week and then tried to brush it in the opposite direction, that kind of discomfort. But my hair appeared to be sticking in place. As I washed my hair it was quite uncomfortable and felt like maybe I was loosing some hair. I gently rubbed it with a towel like I normally do and there was hair everywhere. On my face covering the towel, the floor, and you would think when I looked at the mirror that I would have big bald spots, but no, it looks thinner, but not bald. And now here at work my head starts to hurt and I gently grab handfuls of hair and gently pull. Lots of hair comes out and I have filled a white legal size envelope. So not that much hair, but I am sure that within the next couple of days I will probably not have much left on top of my head. And by the way, I threw out the envelope of hair, I mean yuck. I grew up in Palmetto and one summer I worked for the Parks Department as a part time park ranger at Gamble Mansion in Ellenton. It is small as plantations go, an old sugar plantation. And in many of the rooms were these frames filled with flowers and fancy swirls, etc. made out of family member hair. I never liked those things they just creeped me out, all these dead peoples hair. I don't know, it was gross, like a car accident, you couldn't help but look at them and be amazed, but hair, yuck.
So I called Mary and off we went to see Ms Paige who cut my hair to about an inch long all over my head. I like it. I never thought of myself as a short hair person, Mary took pictures, and all in all I was happy with the feel, the ease and the look. But my hair still felt like it was getting ready to let go. And it did. and it still is.
And so I would sit here at night and stare at the computer and I would try and write. You remember that movie with John Travolta and he had seen a light and was it aliens or a tumor on his brain and he was brilliant and could levitate and it turned out of course to be the tumor not aliens. So anyway I don't have brain cancer, so I am not like a freaking genius or anything, and I can't levitate anything with just my mind. But as I would try and write I found that I could not spell. OK, so that is not so great, but I can write 2 sentences in the form of one sentence at one time. Without trying. Like who would try and do that? Code breakers Vicki suggested, hmmm, good idea, but I have no control over this, and well when you are trying to read something, between the misspelling and then the 2 sentences combined into one, it doesn't make sense. I would write my little heart out and then go back and proof read it, and it made no sense. If you read every other word in the sentence it would make sense, read the other words and there was a totally different sentence not related in anyway to the other sentence. And the worse part was I had no idea where I was going with either sentence. So I would just sit in my new red chair and stare at the computer. But then this fly or bug or something started flitting around my shoulders last night. I jumped up irritated, I was going to get that insect, whatever it was. It was hair. My hair falling out, gently tickling my shoulder as it slipped past to pile up on the chair. So here I am ready to have deal with this pesky pest and it is my own hair. So I vacuumed it up, sat back down and continued my crazy writing and deleting, but now I enjoyed the feel of the hair as I knew what it was.
You see having cancer is to go insane. Your nerves are all on edge with the treatments and the meds
So today was the final day, the last extension for me to send in my letter of tenure for a colleague of mine. A man I have grown to be quite found of, and his lovely sweet wife. We attend many conferences and trainings together besides being co-directors of the EPA PPG for certification for Florida. And I have grown to respect his talents and humor and tenacity. He is constantly moving forward, writing exams, manuals, setting up trainings, recording online programs, review programs, new regulations trainings, negotiating computer based exams with IT and multiple Agencies. I mean an all around nice and talented man, who seems happy in his life and choice of career. And here I have to write a letter to support his tenure and I can't spell, no problem, spell check! But I can't get two sentences to follow the same thought, even when they are interwoven amongst each other. I got the letter written and sent off, but I am sorry I hope this doesn't hurt him. I tried so hard to provide clear documentation on some of the amazing things he does. I hope it makes sense. I mentioned several times in my emails that I had cancer, I hope they take that into consideration.
And I am adding him to my list of Role Models. He has had his own brush with the "C" and look what a full and happy and amazing life he has. And he and his sweet lovely wife do fun things and are always on the go and look like they really enjoy each other. Yep, on the list.
Now it is Friday, and almost a week since I was able to put together more then a few sentences on the blog, and hair has the mange, big time. Both sides of my head, bald patches where I lay my head on the pillow sleeping. Full hair on the front of my head, mangy on the bank and my little sideburns strong and holding. Hat or scarf decision day. Scarf, dew rag, to be exact, blue the color of Rich's eyes. I set my outfit of the day, take a shower, clog the drain big time. I mean like two heaping handfuls of hair, yuck. Get dressed, do the makeup, face the scarf. I have a small head, a very small head and ears that turn out to be quite large and stick out on either side which actually help to make my head not look so small, but who is kidding who, I have a little head, big ears that stick out, large bony shoulders, strong enough to handle many different journeys and adventures. And I have a bump, fortunately not large enough to notice, especially with my ears. And moles and just a sort of small shaped head, not "perfect". Thank goodness I asked everyone who volunteered to shave their heads when I lost my hair not to, because I thought what if they have perfect heads and I don't and I have cancer. Nope, lets not go there. I change my outfit and pull on my blue hat and off to work I go. I noticed I had much less traffic into and past my office. I realize it was the Friday before a 3 day holiday so it was half empty, but I mean I looked mangy. And I did not wear the hat all day. Just when I went outside. It doesn't bother me that I look mangy, really I can't see it. And when I rub my hands over my head, I still feel hair.
But it was time. So as I left the office I called Ms Moon. She was over visiting Lily and Jason and oh yeah, Owen. Well you don't think I am going to let Ms Moon visit Owen just around the corner from my office and not go. When I pulled up to Lily and Jason's there stood the precious Ms Moon with Mean Aunt Jessie and Lily with Owen dressed smartly in his yellow shirt and orange pants holding his duck with the same colors. Ms Moon looks at my mangy head and sweetly says do you want to have your head shaved? "Yes, I do", I said. And so Lily went in to get the clippers and Jessie shaved my head while Owen played with shovels and axes and large dangerous objects, smiling that smile that just grabs your heart and squeezes it hard. And I love how Owen laughs every time he sees me. I think he is starting to get to know me, and even though I know he does not notice the same things that all of us older people notice like a mangy head, it is nice to have a child laugh at you each time he sees you. And right now having someone laugh when they see me just feels right. So now I have a fine bristly fuzz, well where I have hair. Jessie did a fine job. And again I had to accept that I have cancer. I see it in my eyes. My large brown eyes that seem to fill the space where I used to have hair. Those eyes look just fine. Not scared, a little crazy, mostly just watching to see what is next, acceptance of a journey not chosen, but gladly taken and appreciated.
At first I wasn't thrilled with my scrawny new bald self, but as I have let it settle around me, I am happy with this look. This ever changing journey. And a ball cap is a good choice, the bill balances the ears. Funny how as I shed my hair I am gaining my ability to communicate again. Able to fulfill my need to write to make a record, and maybe to reach out. hmmmm, not sure about that last one, but just maybe.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
A better day
Yesterday and today have been so much nicer days. I have not been emotional or cranky or tired or weepy. A little worn out, but I am able to live an almost normal life. These are the days I would rather be writing about. But I am trying to write about everything that I can, good and bad. And I was taken back to hear comments and emails about not fighting the bad day. I am not fighting anything, bad days, good days, cancer, anything. I am living through each experience. Each new day, good or bad. And yes, it will sound like I am complaining about the bad days, but that is my way of expressing what I am going through. And it is important for me when I look back whether a week ago or two weeks ago or 6 months ago and see that there are some days that are just not picnics. But come on, I have had such a smaller percentage of bad days then good days. Life is wonderful and it is a picnic and it is rain showers and sunny days, and thunder storms and days when everything goes right and days when nothing goes right. Same for us with cancer. So I had a crummy day that just kept getting more miserable and unpleasant as the day progressed. But from that I learned a new timing for my meds that have made today and yesterday not only bearable but quite productive.
Jack and Jan picked Vicki and I up in Jan's itty bitty ranger yesterday morning and off we headed to town. First stop was to pick up my trailer at Mary's then drive into Parkway Marine to pick up my Malibu and hook the trailer up to that. We left Jan's truck in the parking lot and back on the road heading west to East Point. We got there about 12:30 and all their loading men were out to lunch. So the four of us drove into Apalachicola for lunch and settled on the Owl. We had a lovely lunch everyone was so sweet and kind. After lunch we stretched our legs and walked through Petunia's, the book store, and River Lily before heading back to East Point to get my booty.
The guys were there and very sweet and got everything loaded up on my trailer not to mention 3 ficus trees for Sylvia. Hopefully Denise and her faithful glue gun can make two pretty trees out of the three sad little ones.
We did stop at the Kangaroo on our way out, but not on the way home. Jan, Vicki and I had so much fun washing our hands and then drying them with the Excellarator. Like I always say the instructions should be: "1. wash hands 2. push button 3. Hang on 4. let go when hands are dry, Excellerator will automatically turn off. The men's Excellarator was broken so Jack did not get to play. The womans' bath room was open with the shiny Excellarator glistening in the florescent light, whispering, "Come I will dry your hands" but he opted not to.. Too bad, so sad that Jack would go all the way to East Point and miss one of the main attractions of the trip.
The rest of the trip went fairly calm. We did have a little accident between the car and the trailer, but I am sure Mr. Moon will assist me to get it taken care of.
This morning I woke up feeling pretty good and started preparing for the change of furniture. Vicki helped me move furniture and vacuum, Carry and lift and move things from one spot to another. We have looked at every angle trying to determine where to put each thing. It felt good to move around and use my body for more then sheet twisters.
Then Bob came by, my friend, not the dog and he is so sweet and brought Bryers Vanilla Ice cream, a lovely big water melon, English Muffins, and a loaf of of hearty whole grain bread from panera. He is so sweet and we will enjoy all of it. We are ready for the movers. Jack and Jan said that they had 2 guys who helped build the sets and were bringing them by to get the "new couch and chairs" moved into the house. Vicki and I have things as ready as we are able. We have moved the TV, the book shelf, tables, lamps, etc. all in anticipation that the new things will fit into their new places.
And we have had a lovely slow but active day and I really appreciate everything that Vicki has done to help me.
This evening we will go to Casa LaLuna for a little get together. I wanted to do something while Vicki was here so she got to see her friends. Everyone decided I was not going to have a party, so Ms Moon graciously volunteered her home. Vicki made banana pudding, oh yum!!!! and I am making a marble yellow - chocolate/espresso cake with dark ganache' poured over the entire cake and a semi sweet ganache whipped into the filling between the layers. It is done in parts and i hope that the parts start coming together soon.
A new day, a cleaner house, all the laundry washed and put away, new furniture sitting out in the carport waiting to be brought in, cakes and puddings almost complete and smiles on our faces and a a happy day. AND I get to see ms Moon and all my beloveds from the Opera House this evening! WOOOHOOO
Jack and Jan picked Vicki and I up in Jan's itty bitty ranger yesterday morning and off we headed to town. First stop was to pick up my trailer at Mary's then drive into Parkway Marine to pick up my Malibu and hook the trailer up to that. We left Jan's truck in the parking lot and back on the road heading west to East Point. We got there about 12:30 and all their loading men were out to lunch. So the four of us drove into Apalachicola for lunch and settled on the Owl. We had a lovely lunch everyone was so sweet and kind. After lunch we stretched our legs and walked through Petunia's, the book store, and River Lily before heading back to East Point to get my booty.
The guys were there and very sweet and got everything loaded up on my trailer not to mention 3 ficus trees for Sylvia. Hopefully Denise and her faithful glue gun can make two pretty trees out of the three sad little ones.
We did stop at the Kangaroo on our way out, but not on the way home. Jan, Vicki and I had so much fun washing our hands and then drying them with the Excellarator. Like I always say the instructions should be: "1. wash hands 2. push button 3. Hang on 4. let go when hands are dry, Excellerator will automatically turn off. The men's Excellarator was broken so Jack did not get to play. The womans' bath room was open with the shiny Excellarator glistening in the florescent light, whispering, "Come I will dry your hands" but he opted not to.. Too bad, so sad that Jack would go all the way to East Point and miss one of the main attractions of the trip.
The rest of the trip went fairly calm. We did have a little accident between the car and the trailer, but I am sure Mr. Moon will assist me to get it taken care of.
This morning I woke up feeling pretty good and started preparing for the change of furniture. Vicki helped me move furniture and vacuum, Carry and lift and move things from one spot to another. We have looked at every angle trying to determine where to put each thing. It felt good to move around and use my body for more then sheet twisters.
Then Bob came by, my friend, not the dog and he is so sweet and brought Bryers Vanilla Ice cream, a lovely big water melon, English Muffins, and a loaf of of hearty whole grain bread from panera. He is so sweet and we will enjoy all of it. We are ready for the movers. Jack and Jan said that they had 2 guys who helped build the sets and were bringing them by to get the "new couch and chairs" moved into the house. Vicki and I have things as ready as we are able. We have moved the TV, the book shelf, tables, lamps, etc. all in anticipation that the new things will fit into their new places.
And we have had a lovely slow but active day and I really appreciate everything that Vicki has done to help me.
This evening we will go to Casa LaLuna for a little get together. I wanted to do something while Vicki was here so she got to see her friends. Everyone decided I was not going to have a party, so Ms Moon graciously volunteered her home. Vicki made banana pudding, oh yum!!!! and I am making a marble yellow - chocolate/espresso cake with dark ganache' poured over the entire cake and a semi sweet ganache whipped into the filling between the layers. It is done in parts and i hope that the parts start coming together soon.
A new day, a cleaner house, all the laundry washed and put away, new furniture sitting out in the carport waiting to be brought in, cakes and puddings almost complete and smiles on our faces and a a happy day. AND I get to see ms Moon and all my beloveds from the Opera House this evening! WOOOHOOO
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Okay, so it is not a picnic right now
I am ok, but not feeling the best these days. And I have no voice, so if you call, and I don;t answer, it is because i have no voice and it hurts to try and talk .Other then that the most difficult thing is eating. My throat does hurt, but I am relatively free of pain from the cancer on the bone. The chest is uncomfortable, but not unlike it what i am already used to. I think the hardest part is that I have reached another point where this isn't fun anymore. I am tired of being sick. I am tired of feeling helpless to thinking myself well instantaneously. I understand all of that, but it does not stop me from having a bad day. And I am having one. Then I realize that I have not taken my meds. I get them and a 20 ounce glass of water and I lay down in my sick room with my 5 pills and slowly one one by one I get them down. Some I smash and mix in water, others are fairly small and I take my time with my mouth filled with water and wait for the pill to get in the right position and then I carefully swallow as open throated as I can. It is over in a second if all goes well, so even if it is is a little difficult.
Vicki has straightened up the house and made me soup and mash potatoes for lunch, that was sweet. I am mostly sleeping, but I am ok. I am just having a bad day, tears, feeling like everything that i need much come from some one else. I have no idea how long this will last. I want some watermelon, but we do not have a car, so no watermelon. I am thirsty, but nothing tastes good. Just a whine day. I am sure that it will pass and in every little garden a rain must fall, I just wish some of that rain would be outside in my garden.
I have slept most of the day, maybe i will go back and sleep some more. At least I can't hurt anyone that way.
I have slept most of the day, maybe i will go back and sleep some more. At least I can't hurt anyone that way.
Sbmission
For those of us who love Ms Moon, you have got to go back over, and don't tell me you haven't already stopped and visited her there. http://www.blessourhearts.net/ and read here blog. closeted Catholic. What I find so odd is that all of these people who are closeted Catholics or questioning Catholics or any person struggling with any religion seem to want Ms Moon to be their new leader, their demigod. I am not sure if they have really lost the point where she is not interested in being a leader let a lone a demigod. Mary celebrates life. She really doesn't seem like the kind of person to run for office, let alone demigod. Have you not seen her collection of children. She does not merely love other people's childern, she is mom figure to young and old alike. So many people who meet Mary want her to be there Mother or want their mother to be as cool as Mary. She celebrates flowers, you do all know that flowers are the sex organs of a plant right? She loves her chickens and their scratching which aeriates and weeds her gardens and the fertilizer they leave in their place and the life giving eggs. Come on people, catch up, Mary is not a closeted Catholic, Madonna woshipper or anything else. She is what she is. A woman who sees beauty and life everywhere and revels in it, and celebrates it out in the open, on her walls, in the pots of plants, everywhere you look is the celebration of love, life, sex, happiness, joy, celebration of all things. Lighten up and if one hair is harmed off of one of those Madonna's, you are going to have to answer to this scrawny cancer survivor, along with a long line of other Mary lovers. PUll your heads out of your proveribial hidey holes and look for real, with clear and open eyes. No conspiracy, just love, mermaids, submissive Madonna's angry unibrow woman's woman. I wish you could have seen her Yvonne. I spoke about it in Ode to Ms Moon. So don't get me wrong, she is special, and each of us find something that relates to just us with Ms Moon, but if you truly loved her, don't you think rather then projecting what you want her to be instead really seeing who she really is, is a much more natural and longer lasting love.
I know she still surprises me all the time. Love you Ms Moon with all my heart. And that wonderful husband that loves you so.
I know she still surprises me all the time. Love you Ms Moon with all my heart. And that wonderful husband that loves you so.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
We are home
St George was amazing, and then we packed up and headed over to Apalachicola and had a wonderful time there. I but a new dress, it is shorter then most of my dresses and a hat to match and a pair of earrings to match the necklace that Dad gave me.
I also bought a couch and chairs with an Ottoman. They are previously loved and I liked them and they will go well with my new bird lamp, and we all had a wonderful time and go to see Ms Moon to read more about tit. here: http://www.blessourhearts.net/
I am still tired an doubt of it, but I love you all, and will write again one of these days.
Kathleen
I also bought a couch and chairs with an Ottoman. They are previously loved and I liked them and they will go well with my new bird lamp, and we all had a wonderful time and go to see Ms Moon to read more about tit. here: http://www.blessourhearts.net/
I am still tired an doubt of it, but I love you all, and will write again one of these days.
Kathleen
Monday, August 23, 2010
Girl/Woman at the beach
Rich finally got Vicki to my house about 3:00 am. Everyone was tired, but I embraced that woman tight, real tight and she felt like the part of me that I had been missing. And she smelled like Rich. Rich is our knight in Shining armor, our third musketeer, a partner in crime. We feel so fortunate to have a friend like Rich that gives and gives, and if you need him to drive you to Miami tonight, he won't ask why, he will just be there for you, and smell good. He is the best friend. And Saturday we went to see Katie, my Facial person. She gave Vicki a facial, oh she looked gorgeous and relaxed afterwards. I slept in the waiting room chairs, only to have Katie tell me she could not give me a facial and foot massage because of the cancer. I was not upset. I knew she was right. As I waited for Vicki to have hers I pictured the process and knew that it was not the right thing to do. So that was OK. And I was feeling a little nauseous so we drove to Mary's and let her nurse me. F.C.Rabbath and productions was filming at Mary's, and Freddie has a part for me, but it wasn't happening Saturday. But we all got to see what was going on with the movie, with Vicki and I playing 3 & 4th assistant to the chicken/dog wrangler. VIck and Mary tried to keep Pearl from tap-tap-tapping of her nails on the wooden floor. I would wake from my nap hearing Freddie say "Action" and then her Zeke would start yipping, so I brought Zeke in with me to sleep on the bed and be quiet. So many people behind the scenes learning what is important when filming a movie. And it makes me really appreciate noticing things. My days generally are filled with more memorable moments. I started feeling nauseous Friday night into Saturday, but I took my anti-nauseous meds and that seems to have passed for now. Saturday was the first day of the joint and muscle cramps. It started in the ankles then moved to my knees and then all the muscles connecting them. Later as the day moved forward my wrists and shoulders demanded attention. I am timing out my meds so that I do not take them more often then prescribed, but also not wait so long that everything gets wound up and it takes so long to relax and calm the various joints and muscles. It is exhausting and the combo of the meds makes me sleepy goofy and I don't have a voice, so I am just a joy to be around. I am just saying, a joy!
So even with delayed flights and chemo affects starting to gently roll up and down my body, a few bigger waves have crested but still not so bad, and movies being made at Mary's house who is taking care of the cancer patient and her exhausted friend, and plays and grand babies and new businesses and work we made it it to the beach.
Lis and Lon played at the Mockingbird and Mr and Ms Moon as so many others went to see them and a good time was had by all, as always. Vick and I stayed home as I was introduced to the joint cramps and watched movies. One of my favorites, "Bringing up Baby" with Hepburn and Grant. I love that movie. And I have been resting and going to bed earlier. It is a good thing.
But yesterday, oh sweet yesterday. We got up and started packing. Like I said I am a little slow and distracted but I can think of so many things that need to be done. By 11:30 we were on our way. Vicki had cleaned out my car, Mary took over the driving duties and off we went. The ride was glorious. I was out of the house, going somewhere. Sitting in the back of my Malibu feels like I am sitting in a train, sweeping past North Florida wild country. Pine, views of the gulf, then in-land a little more and small fishing communities. Places I love so completely, places that remind me of places from home. I was a townie, so going out to the coast to Cortez, Ana Maria, Bradenton Beach and the fish houses and summer cottages on the beach where children just seemed to be out there for weeks and weeks while Fathers continued to work and Mothers rotated in and out of the cottages. Of growing up with Vicki as we laid on our blankets in the sun with the sand hot enough to burn a sole of a foot guaranteed at least once a month. And we would use mink oil, Crisco, mineral oil with iodine and lay there covering as little as possible and every 15 minutes the sound of bacon cooking would come on the radio and the beach flipped. Belly to back, head down to head up, constant shifting like a solar unit always facing toward the sun, absorbing the rays that made us feel strong, movie star like, gorgeous with our bronzed bodies. But we didn't burn as much as kids do now, because this was about sunning. We used some sick sounding combinations, but they moisturized the skin and we tried to get an even all-over tan. No just scorching. And then there were the water breaks every hour. I understand that science shows too much sun is not a good thing, but I have to say that we look like we are in our mid-50s, and when you look at that shining hair and that glorious happy smile on that beginning to wrinkle and puff face that has spent so many hours looking up to the sun to happiness to the future, I don;t think we look bad at all. Life was different then, in so many ways.
And then we pulled up to our place. it is directly right on the gulf. It is perfect and 5 woman sat out on our little deck, listening, smelling, breathing, looking at the beach and five women. One celebrating her 55th birthday a few days early, one celebrating coming home, one celebrating starting her new business, the other a grandmother, and finally the one with cancer. All woman thankful for exactly who they are and who they are with and where they are at this very moment. All woman who have beach and gulf and ocean in their very youngest mermaid beings connected on that level. Our faces glowed and smiles so naturally happy and big as we told one story of 5 woman, woman from 51 -56 who all had very different lives and yet still share that childhood memory of a love of the beach and the dolphins and crabs and fish and coquinas. We had all done the same exact things and we didn't have to say it, because we could see that sparkle in our eyes. The way our hair floats in the evening breeze on the beach. And I looked at each of these dearest beloved ones, and I said, "I love my life! I love my life at this very moment with each of you right here. There is nothing I would change about my life at this exact moment." And they each said it too, in their own voices and we realized once again, cancer is not what is important, it is life and having these moments all evening and now into the evening, swimming, floating, shelling, walking miles and miles of beach, some times with our head up and sometimes with our head down. all together, split into pairs or mixed groups. Each moment, my breath catches in my raspy throat and I see the moment, and it is beautiful and it feels wonderful and smells and glows and I am so grateful to be here.
Day 5 after chemo and life is so sweet, so amazing, so special, so worth it. And I am here with my beloveds and they are taking care of me, and I don't have the voice to tell them that I am so grateful for every breath of them, but they know, and I will save my breath to heal and hold on to this day at the beach, St. George Island, Franklin County, Florida, Heaven.
So even with delayed flights and chemo affects starting to gently roll up and down my body, a few bigger waves have crested but still not so bad, and movies being made at Mary's house who is taking care of the cancer patient and her exhausted friend, and plays and grand babies and new businesses and work we made it it to the beach.
Lis and Lon played at the Mockingbird and Mr and Ms Moon as so many others went to see them and a good time was had by all, as always. Vick and I stayed home as I was introduced to the joint cramps and watched movies. One of my favorites, "Bringing up Baby" with Hepburn and Grant. I love that movie. And I have been resting and going to bed earlier. It is a good thing.
But yesterday, oh sweet yesterday. We got up and started packing. Like I said I am a little slow and distracted but I can think of so many things that need to be done. By 11:30 we were on our way. Vicki had cleaned out my car, Mary took over the driving duties and off we went. The ride was glorious. I was out of the house, going somewhere. Sitting in the back of my Malibu feels like I am sitting in a train, sweeping past North Florida wild country. Pine, views of the gulf, then in-land a little more and small fishing communities. Places I love so completely, places that remind me of places from home. I was a townie, so going out to the coast to Cortez, Ana Maria, Bradenton Beach and the fish houses and summer cottages on the beach where children just seemed to be out there for weeks and weeks while Fathers continued to work and Mothers rotated in and out of the cottages. Of growing up with Vicki as we laid on our blankets in the sun with the sand hot enough to burn a sole of a foot guaranteed at least once a month. And we would use mink oil, Crisco, mineral oil with iodine and lay there covering as little as possible and every 15 minutes the sound of bacon cooking would come on the radio and the beach flipped. Belly to back, head down to head up, constant shifting like a solar unit always facing toward the sun, absorbing the rays that made us feel strong, movie star like, gorgeous with our bronzed bodies. But we didn't burn as much as kids do now, because this was about sunning. We used some sick sounding combinations, but they moisturized the skin and we tried to get an even all-over tan. No just scorching. And then there were the water breaks every hour. I understand that science shows too much sun is not a good thing, but I have to say that we look like we are in our mid-50s, and when you look at that shining hair and that glorious happy smile on that beginning to wrinkle and puff face that has spent so many hours looking up to the sun to happiness to the future, I don;t think we look bad at all. Life was different then, in so many ways.
And then we pulled up to our place. it is directly right on the gulf. It is perfect and 5 woman sat out on our little deck, listening, smelling, breathing, looking at the beach and five women. One celebrating her 55th birthday a few days early, one celebrating coming home, one celebrating starting her new business, the other a grandmother, and finally the one with cancer. All woman thankful for exactly who they are and who they are with and where they are at this very moment. All woman who have beach and gulf and ocean in their very youngest mermaid beings connected on that level. Our faces glowed and smiles so naturally happy and big as we told one story of 5 woman, woman from 51 -56 who all had very different lives and yet still share that childhood memory of a love of the beach and the dolphins and crabs and fish and coquinas. We had all done the same exact things and we didn't have to say it, because we could see that sparkle in our eyes. The way our hair floats in the evening breeze on the beach. And I looked at each of these dearest beloved ones, and I said, "I love my life! I love my life at this very moment with each of you right here. There is nothing I would change about my life at this exact moment." And they each said it too, in their own voices and we realized once again, cancer is not what is important, it is life and having these moments all evening and now into the evening, swimming, floating, shelling, walking miles and miles of beach, some times with our head up and sometimes with our head down. all together, split into pairs or mixed groups. Each moment, my breath catches in my raspy throat and I see the moment, and it is beautiful and it feels wonderful and smells and glows and I am so grateful to be here.
Day 5 after chemo and life is so sweet, so amazing, so special, so worth it. And I am here with my beloveds and they are taking care of me, and I don't have the voice to tell them that I am so grateful for every breath of them, but they know, and I will save my breath to heal and hold on to this day at the beach, St. George Island, Franklin County, Florida, Heaven.
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