family, tie dye, rehearsals and museums

It has been a good week.  A week of family.  Monday night Dad, Rob, JongAe and Jessica got in for spring break.  The weather was warm and glorious.  We need rain, but it is hard to think about that when the air is thick with spring.  The bees buzz, the butterflies flutter the azaleas blow in the wind forming pink, white and magenta skirts of colors underneath the soft green of new leaves.  Bird song woke me every morning to the early sunshine and scent of sweet olive, roses and multitudes of wild flowers.  I slept in my beloved airstream, nestled in the trees and green light.  Each morning I woke with Bob and Edna cuddled up with me in the single bed.  Stella perched on my shoulder, queen of the mountain.  One night Harry even decided to sleep out with us.  The rest of the nights, he slept in his bed in my bedroom with Rob and family.

We open The Fantastick's this coming week.  We are working hard, trying to pull everything together into the vision of the Director.  My family was patient with all the time I was gone at rehearsals.  At rehearsals I grew ever more frustrated with not knowing my part and how to prepare for it. 

On Wednesday the five of us loaded up in the toy, put the top down and drove into Tallahassee from Hwy 27, the southeast side of town.  We drove up the Parkway where as you come up over the hill you get a view of the State of Florida Capital building.  We turned west and then back around to the Museum of Florida History.  I had Dad's travelling chair.  It is not as big as his regular chair, but it is easier to get in the trunk of the car.  We wandered through the museum.  Dad really enjoyed the new Culture Exhibit that shows the native Americans present in the country at the time of the Spanish Conquistadors.  Rob really enjoyed the WWII exhibits.  Jessica loved Grandma's closest and the replica of a river boat.  The most memorable moment for me is the 1940s radio that you can push the button below it and with the crackle and echo sound of the 40s you hear FDR give his moment of infamy speech.  It is chilling to hear the words spoken during a war that changed the map of the world.    It is truly a beautiful and amazing museum and we are so lucky to have such amazing wonder right in our back door.  The skeletons, the dioramas, the travelling and the permanent exhibitions.

After the museum we had a huge lunch then meandered our way home where we collapsed, warmed by the ride with the sunshine swirling around, warming our still winter cold skin.  Our minds full with the sites seen, our tummies full from the food eaten.  Naps were taken or simply restful time.  That night was our only night to get to spend together, we just stayed home and were a family.

Thursday Dad and I worked on scanning photos from Dad and Mother's previous trips to Europe and Spain in the past.  Rob, JongAe and Jessica took a drive into town and spent the day just wandering around Tallahassee.  They bought me a chicken balloon.  You can walk along holding the ribbon and the chicken will walk along behind you.  I love this little red hen.  She is completely adorable.  The dogs and cats are not as thrilled:

little red hen balloon

 Here are some photos of the early spring flowers starting to bloom:

amaryllis

A Joseph's coat climbing rose

Dozens of butterflies sipping nectar from the blush of bloom

Butterfly ginger pushing up through the ground

Another lovely Amaryllis

Rehearsals have been.....um.......well......challenging.  To say the least, but after a particularly hard, but successful rehearsals yesterday Dave suggested that we all go to Pizza Hut to unwind.  It was a great idea and really help us all bond.  The play will be wonderful.  But the process has been horrifically painful.  We open in less then a week, and I need to rush now to get ready and go.  I have made my "fire" ribbons.  I have gathered up a blue shawl.  I have put together my costume, and pulled out the makeup.  I will wear the makeup tomorrow, but today we have a 5 hour rehearsal, and I just don't think that trying to do it all right now, is just a bit much.

It was a good week in more ways then it wasn't.  On Friday Jessica, JongAe and I tie dyed.  We made one for family members at home who could not be with us this week.  Saturday as the family left, the car filled with swirls of colors as each wore a new tie dye shirt.  We all hugged and promised to get together again very soon.  As soon as I can get away from the Opera House for a few days.  Not until after this play closes.  But first we have 7 more days of rehearsals or performances in this nine days straight.  I hope to see y'all there.  I do not willingly get up on stage that often.  This may be the last nail in the coffin.  I watch the other actors and they come alive, they glove the bubble endorphins.  I struggle to not let them down.  This is joy to them.  This is hard for me.  I am sure that once the play opens I will find the joy as I watch the actors glow under the hot lights, the applause of the audience.  Then I will be happy and love being a part of this very special little group of actors.  I love all the actors and stage crew in this show.  They are marvelous.  You are going to love them to. 
See you soon!

no....No....NO......NO!!!!!!

Do I sound like a petulant 12 year old?  Well I feel like one.  Which is a step up from how I felt an hour ago.  An hour ago I was having an anxiety attack.  An hour ago I was on the verge of crying.  An hour ago I thought I only had three months to live. 

Am I being dramatic.  Yes, Yes, I am.

And you would to if you had gone to one of the very worst doctors ever given a degree in doctoring and he told you to go home and die.  Then you are whisked away into the amazing and magical world of Dr. M.  Dr. McCutie Pie.  The Most wonderful and amazing doctor you could ever ask for.  He has excellent doctoring skills.  He is handsome and has a sweet smile.  He is extremely intelligent.  He is married and uses that same charm and skill that he used to win his beautiful wife to soothe his female patients.  "I am married so I know better then to tell you what to do.  But if I could just make a suggestion......"  See, he knows how to talk to me. 

He reached in and grabbed me back through the veil of death back to life.  He saved my life.  Yes, that is dramatic, but it is true.  It is simply true.  This man saved my life.  And now....

And now......

He is leaving.

The amazing and most wonderful doctor I have ever known is simply packing up his beautiful family and moving. 

The new crazy meds he has me on has been wonderful.  I am so much more peaceful.  I have not had any anxiety, well, since the two weeks it takes to get into your system.  Nothing, I have just been calm and accepting, well adjusted, happy, sane.  And that is how I feel.  Sane. 

I told him that he was going to have to bump up my crazy meds if he is going to leave.  He laughed and said I was fine.  He then told me that the PT Scan came out great.  No problems.  The cancer is controlled.
For now

I told him that I thought he would be my doctor for as long as I lived.  That he would be the doctor I would have when I died.  So that gives me three months to live my life.  Yes, I sound crazy, but I am afraid.  I am afraid to loose Dr. M.  He has taken a woman who was dying and made her live.  In a lot of circles that is called a miracle.  To him, another day at the office.

Bobbie and Ashley his two nurses tried to calm me.  We all three ended up with tears in our eyes.  I started thinking how could I live the rest of my life in three months? Can I get all the paperwork done?  Can I make all the trips I want to make, do all the things I want before he leaves?

Can I live after he leaves?
Can I?

I don't know!
At this moment, all the terror and anxiety is back.
Not as bad as before the crazy meds
But bad enough

They are loosing two other doctors at the same time.
They are replacing all three doctors with three woman doctors
I am a woman
I don't want a woman doctor
I have never cared one way or another before

But
but now I want a doctor just like Dr. M
I don't want anything new
I don't want different
I want a doctor that I can not get away with anything
Who will talk to me intelligently and like he is speaking to his beloved wife
I am not his wife, but I like that he has one and that he knows how to talk to women
with respect

Will another woman find me funny?
Will she get Judy, Mary and I?
Will she make me want to put on make up and look good?
Will she make me want to live?

NO
NO
NO
NO

I feel like I should be on the ground throwing a temper tantrum.
I need to get past this
This is not the worst thing in the world
I am healthy and well
I still have a lot of life to live
But Dr. M, the amazing and wonderful Dr. M was part of the reason for me wanting to live

He loves a challenge and he challenged me to want to live and to move past cancer
To have a life filled with quality
Will the next doctor care and like me for me?
Or will I simply be another patient with cancer

That is how the first doctor saw me

Ms Moon said that maybe Dr. M is really not all that amazing.  Maybe compared to Dr. Blowsucker he just seemed amazing.
I tried.
I really tried hard to believe that.
I know Ms Moon was hoping to believe that too
We really don't believe that
Dr. M, the amazing Dr. M is special
I have felt special being his patient
and now I
I
I
I don't know
I wanted to get better and live because it seemed to mean so much to him
He knew how to work me to get me to want to live again
will the next doctor?

I don't want another doctor
He only told me because he did not want me to read it in the form letter coming out
He wanted to be the one to tell me.
I am crying

I am anxious
I am childish and self centered and having a pity party

But it is Dr. M, the amazing Dr. M and Ashley and Bobbie, the world's two greatest nurses
There is Mary and Judy and me
The six of us saved me
The six of us were a team
I love these people
I hate change
and this is big change
this is really really big change
this is more then I can handle right now
even on my new crazy meds

Three months
How can I live the rest of my life in three months??????
Will I still want to live after he is gone?
I don't know
isn't that silly?
I am not considering killing myself
no, I am not crazy
I am on meds for that
But somehow it just feels that when he leaves my life, my very breath will go out with him
but not come back

Will I will survive
will I will carry on
Maybe I will like this new doctor
maybe they will be amazing like Ms Moon said

I mean, a doctor as amazing as Dr. M?  We knew he would not stay,
but I just thought he would be here as long as I was.

Okay, I feel better
I still scared
I still feel anxious
I still do not like this one little bit
no, not one little bit
but I have no choice
Dr. M has no choice
He needs to go where he can stretch and learn and grow
Where he can save many more people
where he can become the most amazing Oncologist to ever walk this earth
instead of the most amazing Oncologist to walk in my world

His job here is done
sort of like Nanny McPhee
As Nanny McPhee always says,
"When you need me, but don't want me, I must stay,
when you want me, but don't need me, I must go."

Maybe I don't need him anymore, I just want him to be here in my world.
He could see me crying
He could see Bobbie and Ashley hugging me,
they each had tears in their eyes.
He knows this is going to be hard.

He smiled and looked at us with those big dark caring eyes
He looked at me and I knew he must do this
but I don't feel like being big about it
not yet
I will

He did say as he walked out of the door
"I have a plan for you."
and he does
and he will tell it to me over the next three months
and when it is time for him to go,
I will cry again
but for now I have other things I must do.
I must return to my body and life as an adult
I can not stay acting like a petulant teenager.
No matter how much that feels like the right thing to do.


The most amazing and marvelous Dr. M is leaving y'all
but he has a plan

Spring Forward

It always amazes me how much I am affected by daylight savings time,  going on or off.  I didn't get to sleep until after 11:00 pm, which is very late for me.  I slept until after 8:00am, which is completely unheard of.  I think I could have slept for hours more  The sun is taking it's time this morning burning through the fog and clouds.  The days seems sluggish like it is confused by the change of time also.  The light is pale and soft against the brightness of spring green leaves or the brilliant colors of the azaleas which are peaking in my yard.

The girl's tents was nestled in amongst these lovely flowers.  I am so happy that they were up this weekend to see the flowers.  Dad, Rob, JongAe and Jessica will be in tonight so they will also get to see all the flowers.  I still have more azaleas to plant along the fence in the front.  Some day you will not be able to drive by and see my yard, other then the flowers along the fence.  That is my dream.  To be completely surrounded by flowers, sigh.  Doesn't that sound lovely?

Here are a few more photos of things in my yard:

Cobalt Martin trying to decide which condo to use this year

bird feeders

Right before I took that photo there was a pair of cardinals, some Carolina chickadees, sparrows and a finch  I have to change the feeder in the middle in that it is the wrong kind of feeder for meal worms for Cobalt and Azure Martin, my bluebirds.  Right next to the feeder is a water feature made out of a large brown Mexican bowls with a Panama Pacific water lily in the middle that gives the birds a place to stand and splash in the water.  I am so happy about the variety of birds showing up so soon to the feeders.  Today I hope to get my hummingbird feeders out.  I also may need to add another feeder a little further down the fence so I can watch the birds from my red chair.  Right now my feeders are set up to watch from my back porch.

Here are a few photos from this past weekend:

Redneck wine goblet

Myrlene made the redneck wine goblet by super gluing a mason ball jar to a candle stick.  To be fair the girl's told me to make it truly redneck I have to bling it up by super gluing jewels on it.  Feel the bling

Bonita and I

Bonita

Myrlene was crowned queen of the crafters this weekend.  Yes, she is the one who came up with the redneck wine goblet, the beautiful skeleton, Ms Bonita (hee hee) for my closest and the high tea hats.  Ms Bonita is made from gallon milk jugs.  Isn't that too clever.  And I am so happy to have a new skeleton for my closest.  I have not had any skeletons in my closest since I moved here.  I used to have a medically accurate skeleton in my closest on Pine Island.  It always made me laugh when people would step out of my large food closet and say, "you have a skeleton in your closest,"  my only response was, "don't we all!"  hee hee

Meagan was crowned Princess for her crafting ability.  She made some of the most beautiful tie dye shirts I have ever seen.  She also tie dyed her tea hat and made a very cool candle holder. 

Each was crowned with a tiara.  They were thrilled and put their tiaras on right over their tea hats.  They will be our queen and princess for the coming year.  They may wear their tiaras for all occasions, including parties, dances, teas, cleaning the frig, vacuuming, shopping, including grocery shopping or watching TV.  Tiara, the most underused accessory.  Great for travelling with girlfriends.  Yes, going to a street fair?  Maybe a large museum exhibition?  Or just spending the day shopping, a group of women in tiaras is definitely a conversation starter.  You are treated more queenly, or is it that we are having so much fun that we are behaving nicer and people respond.  I am not sure, but I assure you a group of women in tiaras are treated very well.  It also helps to find each other if you get separated from each other.  The tiaras catch the light and help you to spot even shorter women in a crowd.  And when it comes to cleaning or doing other mundane tasks, a tiara can make you smile and change the task at hand from drudgery to something special.  Give it a try.  It just might make you smile.

Well, the sun is coming out and it is time for me to switch from the girl's camping trip to family spring break.  Honestly, I would love to lay down and take a nap.  Maybe I will later after I have straightened up a bit more.

Spring will be here in a week.  The yard is filled with flowers and butterflies, birds and I see bunnies again.  It is a wonderful spring, as crazy as the weather has a been, but I love all of this warmth.  The pecan trees around my yard have not leafed out yet, so I am not sure what surprises this spring still holds for us. 

This coming week is Bike Week at Daytona.  There is always some rain and cold during bike week.  They have had some terrible rain and wind this past weekend.  I hope for all the bikers that was that.  We will see.

Time to get up and head out.  Well, as soon as I finish watching Martha bake the scones.  hee hee, I do love a good scone.

It is another beautiful day.  Family is coming in tonight.  I get to see the amazing Dr. McCutiemeds.

I did hear an article on The American Life, a radio program on NPR.  They were interviewing a woman who has had breast cancer for 23 years.  Twenty three years.  And you know what?  She is happy to still be alive.  She is in the smallest minority you can be, still alive with her cancer 23 years after diagnosis.  She says she is able at times to forget that she has cancer and almost live a life that is normal to others, not thinking about how life is terminal.  But then time and time again something comes up that reminds her that she is terminal.  She has tried every possible treatment over the past 20 plus years.  Some of those treatments they now know are of no benefit, others are now mainstream treatments.  She has been willing to try whatever it took to stay alive.  I am in awe of that.  I am not willing to do that at all.  I love my life.  This year, and it is only March, only the third month of the year, has been amazing.  Just full of possibilities and wonderful things.  Lots and lots of wonderful things, and I am doing as many of these possibilities as I can.  I am enjoying my life to the fullest.  But part of that ability to go and go and go is knowing that like Christmas there is an ending.  A date will come when no matter what is left to do, time has run out.  Does that scare me?  Not really.  Do I want to live for 20 plus more years.  No.  No, I do not.  As much as I love my life.  Part of that is because I can live for the next several years anyway I want.  I can pretty much do whatever I want financially, physically and  emotionally.  But when this disease breaks through the fire wall of chemo and starts to take control again, I can't say that all of those things will be true.  I also have a very specific cancer with one really really good treatment.  But only one.  So when this one stops working, do I want to go back to infusion?  I don't know.  If I had to make that decision right now.  This very moment?  No, I would not be willing to do it.  I don't really remember how out of it and sick and useless I was during the infusion treatments.  Of course I only had one or two treatments of the correct chemo.  The other three were for breast cancer.  Duh, I have lung cancer.  I do realize that some treatments treat more then one type of cancer, but the first three treatments did not control the cancer even one little bit, so there is no doubt that was not the correct treatment.  But, no, I am not interested in continuing to live my life like that.  I understand what she has to say.  She doesn't sound like a regular sort of person.  She sounds like I do.  Someone who is aware every moment what is going on in our bodies.  We are no longer Kathleen or Susan or Mary or whatever our name once was.  In our minds we are now Kathleen with Stage 4 Lung Cancer.  It makes us special, not necessarily in a way we would have checked off on a wish list.  But it is who we are anyway.  Some choose to "fight".  Obviously this woman has been fighting her disease for 20plus years.  No, I do not want to live my life fighting.  I want to live my life learning how to be peaceful.  Peaceful.  World peace.  It starts inside each of us. 

I am at peace with the life I have lived.
I am at peace with the love, joy and happiness that fills my life
I am at peace amongst my animals and flowers and plants
and friends
and songs
and dance
of all the life forms in my world
Yep, spring is a little over a week away. 
Woody's birthday
Wes' birthday
have a lovely day.
I have to take the time to write a blog on books
I want to share the words of others that touch my heart.
touch my heart

Let me leave you with this final photo from this weekend.  My dear sister Sioux and I, laughing and joyful after another successful girl's camping trip.

Girl's gone wild in the woods 2012

I woke up Friday thinking about all the possibilities of the day.  I straightened up the house, finished the laundry, and cleaned the airstream.  Okay, all I did was to move things to make room in the airstream, but it did not get vacuumed or completely cleaned up.  Then I drove up to Monticello and met with my accountant.  I had a woefully small folder with paperwork for her to use with my taxes.  Mostly I needed her to be able to fill out the forms correctly concerning my retirement and IRA and roll overs and all of that stuff.  I ran some errands and then headed home to finish getting ready for the girl's camping trip.

It was around nine and I was just laying down on the couch when they drove up.  They had gotten to leave a little early.  Rooms were assigned, bags were carried in, hugs shared, hearts connected and we settled in to the weekend.  Another girl's camping trip.  Mothers and Daughters.  Sisters.  Friends.  Grand daughters.  Everyone had been up early and it wasn't long before eye lashes fluttered against delicate skin.  Fluttering while the body rests and the mind soars to those places that piece together into movies we call dreams.  Together, all of us in one place, again.  Together and yet sisters and mothers and daughters, friends, were missing.  Some will never come back to us.  Others will be bringing their mothers or daughters, their friends to one next year or maybe the year after.  But those of us who were there felt whole.  Like those we missed were there because their faces were in photos and dreams and hearts.  As our eye lashes fluttered against the delicate skin of our cheeks.  We slept.

As the sunlight streamed in eyes popped open as excited as the first day of camp, or maybe even a little like Christmas morning.  Everyone was in a happy disposition and smiles came easily after the last few busy days.  Breakfast was made, coffee sipped, the smell of bacon and eggs and biscuits fed our excitement for the activities yet to come.  Plans and strategies were set and it was decided that soap would be made at the first available time everyone could be there.  Wives were away from their husbands and kids and calls had to be made, "I miss you" and "love you too!" had to be shared.  Sioux and I got things set up for tie dying and soap making.  Sioux also got her painting project out and ready to go.  Other bags with other projects appeared.  Gloves were shared, techniques discussed, rubber bands were hunted down and then into the dye, white v-neck Tshirts.  That is our favorite.  The theme, what would be the theme this year?  We had several techniques this year so we would be able to write the theme on our shirts and then dye them.  The brain storming began immediately with ideas tossed out into the air, all falling flat.  Some gave up and simply wrote the date on their shirts.  After this weekend they would be washed and folded and lovingly put with shirts from trips from long ago.  But the memories are stored in that soft cotton with swirls of color, mostly purple.

I was writing on my shirt, "Girls Gone Wild in the Woods 2012"  Everyone stopped and stared, Sioux stood up and announced the theme had been decided upon.  She is very regal in her announcements, having been queen several times in our past trips.  I had simply put all the words together that each person had thought most important.  A flurry of activity and writing using sharpie markers as Tshirts were grabbed from the fence.  Then once the flowers and peace signs were done a few drops of rubbing alcohol were dropped carefully onto the writing and design and the colors blur out and mix together like tie dye.  The skill these woman have in making these shirts is amazing.  Several new techniques in the art of dying were shared and each one picked up and enjoyed, assimilated into our genetic material along with all the other projects worked on at previous camping trips.  Here are a few photos of our tie dying:

Megen with one of her tie dyes shirts

My first shirt of the day

Audry with one of her treasures

Myrlene proudly showing 2012

We laughed and played all day.  I had forgotten how much brain power is needed to marathon craft, deftly switching from one craft to another, stretching your brain as you use different parts of it, different skills, different thought processes to work each craft.  We were able to make the soap late morning when all the calls had been made and we had finished standing in the morning sun, oohing and aahing over each shirt, each jeweled treasure being unfurled like an art exhibition.  Each shirt marvelled over and discussed, techniques reviewed over and mysteries solved over why it worked one way instead of another.  We do not only create and play, but we think and learn, store away the knowledge like survival skills for the long year away from each other and this weekend. 

After the shirts, various projects were started by each as we all started coming together to make soap.  Soap making is really only a one or two person job.  There isn't enough room for everyone to be in the kitchen at the same time.  In fact we assigned meals to people so that you only have to spend a limited amount of time in the kitchen, and have the most pleasant experience while you are there.  But this was soap making and we all eagerly crowded into the kitchen.  I moved to the counter and turned like the Julia ChildsCoolish spring temperatures and clear blue skies, what a perfect weekend.

The soap finally started to trace and now the real fun began.  We returned to the kitchen in force.  Molds were shared and embossing stamps placed.  Soap was poured, more molds cut from large yogurt containers.  Don't forget essential oils for scent as well as qualities needed by each for their skin type.  Those with sensitive skin avoided the dyes, a loofah sponge was brought in, cut and divided up while each of us tried a different technique.  The kitchen first, then the entire house, and maybe all the way into the yard and beyond filled with the scents of essential oils.  10X Orange, grapefruit, lime, lemon and tangerine, lavender, vanilla, mint, spearmint, and eucalyptus, rosemary, patchouli, gardenia and jasmine, drop by drop freed from their amber bottles into the smooth rich creaminess of the soap.  Wooden chop sticks were used to swirl in the scents and dyes, rose petals, jasmine flowers and peppermint leaves.  The molds were carefully taken back to a book shelf to be stored out of the way until the trips home. 

We ate all day.  Wonderful food lovingly made ahead of time and wrapped snugly up, stored in coolers on dry ice and brought here for this weekend.  A southern woman's fantasy, fried chicken with potato salad and cole slaw.  Cornbread pudding and baking powder biscuits, carrot cake and lemon tart, Godiva chocolate cookies and bags of Hershey's.  So much food, it is hard to name it all, but it was enjoyed with eyes fluttering closed and smiles that lifted our lips. 

We always end the weekend with high tea.  Once the camp fires have gone cold, the s'mores squished and eaten, the tents broken down and the crafts lovingly admired by all then packed for shipping we have our tea.  We have tea sandwiches, egg salad, chicken salad and cucumber.  We had the carrot cake, lemon tart and cookies.  Three types of tea was brewed, decaffeinated Earl Grey, Green Tea Jasmine and a small pot of a blooming flower tea for the grand daughters to see and marvel at the world of tea.  The sugar had pieces of rose petals through it  This bothered some of them, not truly sure it was petals instead of bugs.  That led to a lesson on how to properly dispose of an unwanted beverage using the over the shoulder snap, followed by the appropriate facial expression, depending on the beverage tossed.  When my grandmother first taught me about tea and how to dress and bake, brew and pour the tea, it was much more formal filled with traditions.  This tea was accompanied by squeals of laughter, hats covered in flowers and stars, ribbons and moss.  It was on the back porch where we posed together for the trip photo.

The Attendees of the Girl's Gone Wild in the Woods 2012

Walks were taken, talks were talked, catching up and smiling, hugging, making new friends, admiring the amazing talent and ability of such a diverse group of woman.  Such joy, such ecstasy, such drama!!!  I loved every minute of it.  They were so sweet to me and took such good care of me the whole weekend.  But after the tea, drives had to be made, rehearsals attended, interstates to be driven.  Home was calling some of them, work, children, spouses, pets.  All of us were sated with our time.  We will long for this again, and hopefully in another year we will meet again.  Maybe it will not take an entire year.  I love these girls and have watched them grow and be married.  They are wonderful mothers, all of them, each generation, and such lovely young strong women they raise.  Tears were shared between Sioux and I.  Thanks to her this year happened.  Thanks to her and our friendship, our desire to learn how to make soap we had our first girl's camping trip about 20 years ago now.  We looked at a picture from that first trip.  The faces of two beautiful young, strong, happy woman looked back out at us.  Such youth and beauty, how did we not know then?  But we do know now, and constantly urge our friends and ourselves to remember that 20 years from now we will look back in awe at ourselves right now, right this minute.

I shifted gears from nurturing and play to play and working.  I gathered up my things and drove up to my other home, the Opera House.  I started seriously thinking about props and where they need to be, and to start my check list.  I worried that I do not know my part any better then I do at this late date.  I need to figure this out now.  now.  I did try to be responsible and not over sensitive to my faults.  I work very hard and when I am on the stage I try and test out things.  Small.  Much too small for the actual play, but to sort of give the director an idea of what I could do at that moment.  I always smile when she looks at me and tells me to do what I was doing.  I know she saw it, and is really say, "yes, that works, now make it bigger.  much bigger."  I can do that.  I made magical scarves change colors and made magical flashes appear then popped poppers and threw paper in the air.  I love my part.  I just wish I could do a better job at memorizing it.  I need to get it down as of yesterday.  yikes!  But we all worked hard at rehearsal.  We are going to be the ones standing in front of the audience when the curtain opens.  I will be the first person to burst out on to the stage.  Bowing and tipping my top hat, dancing across the stage, pulling the old clown prank of throwing a bucket of water that turns out to be confetti on the audience.  Only this time I actually throw it on myself.  Rehearsal was a struggle, but a good struggle.  We are all getting it.  We are all showing moments of splendor.  We just need to practice and practice  We need to be able to feel totally comfortable so we can play.  We will.  We will. 

Then home I came.  I picked up the few remaining things that I had not allowed the others to do for me before they left.  I enjoyed this last little moment of picking up the dye buckets and storing them safely away for this coming week.  Seeing in my mind all of the colors swirling together on the shirts.  Seeing the smiles and sparkling eyes of my friends.  Picking up a glass or a napkin used by one of their hands.  Checking to see if there was any warmth left from their touch.  Smiling at the thought.

Then sitting down and posting the photos to Facebook so the girls would have them.  And finally calling my Dad and writing this post.  Closing a wonderful weekend.  So special shared with dear beloved woman friends.  Then shared again with my Dad.  My Dad who will be here tomorrow.  With my oldest brother, his wife and their daughter.  Spring break is here.  Such possibilities of lovely events.  Nights of rehearsals where I must be ready to do my best, be my largest, dance my dance across the boards.  Days spent looking at museums, visiting the doctor for good news and yes, such possibilities.

I am tired and it is much later then I had hoped to be up this night. 
But now to lay my head down and to close my eyes.
To have my eyelashes flutter against my cheeks as I sleep and dream
The garden circle went to McClay Gardens today
They walked around the gardens looking at the blooms at their peak
I ran across a stage in a dark theater with bright lights shining down on me
Such possibilities in my life
such possibilities
good night

 

sweet beautiful life here in Monticello

Orange blossoms.  That is what downtown Monticello smells like.  There is an orange tree on the south east side of the court house and when I walked from the Opera House to the Rosemary Tree the sweet scent of orange blossoms floated around me and caused a euphoric feeling of love for this small little community.  A little downtown nestled in the pan handle, anchored around the courthouse.  A replica of Jefferson's Monticello.  I love this small rural community.  I love the scent of my childhood, orange blossoms.  This was yesterday, Wednesday. 

I worked in the office until three.  It was a good day, I accomplished a few things, and I learned a couple of new things.  I left at three and drove over to Lake Park to see OB.  He has been down with a cold and described himself as a bear locked in a cage.  I went over to free the bear.  To take a walk around the little pond.  To walk out on the boardwalk that becomes a dock and stretches out gently into the edge of the pond.  To look out across the pond and see the birds, the water lilies that will bloom in a few months.  White jewels dotting the lake like giant popcorn floating on the thick green leaves.  Yesterday the color was spring green.  The wild grapes, the trees and other vines, all budding out with the once a year color.  The new green glistening in the blue air of spring.  It was a lovely walk, but it seemed to be a lot for OB with his cold.  He looked calmer and refreshed from the sweet spring air, but also sort of clammy from the exertion.  He said he thought it was breaking, I hope so.  This weekend he is supposed to head over to Daytona for bike week.

My way home was directed by the bossy museum docent voice emanating from my GPS.  The full moon shined down on me lighting the roads, filling my heart with its simple beauty.  Bella Luna.  Big and round, glowing in the clear spring night sky.  Watching over my shoulder as I drove the growing familiar road back home.

What a wonderful week it has been.  The weather has simply been glorious.  Cloudless crystal clear skies lit by the same blue light that colors the sky.  A calm fresh light that shines through the spring green leaves as they burst out of the gray and brown winter branches and vines.  Sunday was spent in the dark of the theater rehearsing for The Fantastick's.  We are getting close  I have to figure out how I can remember what I am supposed to do.  I have no lines, so I don't have to memorize anything like that.  But I do have to figure out how to memorize my actions based on other people's lines.  Lines they may not give exactly like it is written, so I miss the cue and it is so frustrating.  I am not frustrated with them.  I am frustrated over how to learn how to memorize action with no lines. 

After rehearsal we had auditions for the murder mystery.  I had rehearsals Monday so Judy did the second day of auditions.  I had put down my choices for parts for those who had come in, Judy went over them and the ones that came on Monday and made her suggestions for the cast.  I loved all of her choices, so she sent out an email.  We will have our first read through on Thursday night.  I will have rehearsal for The Fantastick's.  It will be fine.  Judy will be able to handle everything just fine.

Monday was glorious.  Simply glorious.  I washed laundry and hung it out on the line.  I planted bulbs and annuals in my flower garden.  I fixed my back door.  Several people have fixed it, sort of.  They tried, but the only way to close the door was to slam it.  Grown ups don't like to slam doors.  So they would pull it shut and it would bounce back open.  Finally after me calling out to "SLAM IT!" they would become frustrated and slam the door.  It would close.  But meanwhile all of our nerves would be on edge from all the banging.  But Sunday the piece of metal that holds the door shut flew off and now there was nothing to close the door.  I told OB and he said he would fix it for me.  But I said, why can't I fix it myself.  I headed out to the barn, found 2 screws that looked like mates of the one that was left, broken off in the piece of metal.  I grabbed my drill and a bit to use on the screws and I fixed the door.  It took about 5 minutes.  Five minutes.  That was all.  I felt so much more powerful in that five minutes then I have for a while.  I also drove the Malibu over to the Lamont Post Office and picked up my top hat.  A lovely top hat.  A top hat way too big, but I will make it work. 

The new crazy meds are really working well.  Very well.  I have not felt crazy in more then a week.  Maybe two.  I can now do things around the house.  I do not feel overwhelmed.  I do not feel anxiety freezing me in place.  I just feel sane.  That simple.  sane.  I am also gaining weight, well, until I have a couple days of stomach issues, but even with that, I just eat again the next day.  I am drinking more water.  I am feeling sane.  I am happy.

Tuesday I put the top down on the toy and drove to Tallahassee to the Magic and Costume store.  I picked up the flash fiber and ignitor.  It is so cool.   I love being able to conjure fire with a flick of my finger.

After I left the magic store I drove over to Wally world to get supplies for the girl's camping trip.  I am doing tie dye and making a batch of soap for the girl's camping trip.  I bought t-shirts and dye, and buckets to dip the t-shirts in.  I bought sharpies to try a new type of tie dye.  I bought food for this weekend and for when Dad and Rob, JongAe and Jessica come up for spring break. 

After picking up all my treasures I got back in the toy and with a giant silly grin on my face drove east out of Leon County back into Jefferson county.  Back to my home.  Back to my little world of animals and plants, plays, books and beloved ones.  The air warmed by the sun and the asphalt whipped around me in the car.  A perfect day to drive with the top down.  Off to rehearsal, then home to talk to my dad and to lay my head down to rest and sleep.

This morning, Thursday, I woke up with sunlight streaming into my window.  Bob was laying on my right, his head on my stomach.  Ednarose lay on my left, quietly whining.  She wakes up each morning whining.  Whining for attention, whining for breakfast, whining because she loves to hear herself, I think.  I got up and fed the animals.  Took my shower and dressed.  No metal or jewelry was to be worn according to the instructions.  I put on button up drawstrings pants and a cotton sweater, no metal under wire, no zippers, and removed my jewelry.  I got the dog cookies, grabbed a book and headed out into the air scented with sweet tea olive.  The light clear and blue, the sky endless.  I got the chickens and the dogs into the pasture, then put the top down on the toy and drove to the oncology center.  They got me in pretty quick, but there was a problem with my port.  They had me turn my head to the right, then the left, lift it up, lower my chin.  I felt like a child again when we had to do such contortions to get a clear picture on our black and white antenna TVs.  We tried and tried, but all they got where dribbles and bubbles.  I asked if I had gone dry.  They smiled patiently and said they did not think so.  I said good.  So last chance was to try and flush it again.  After that they would have to remove the needle they had just plunged into my chest and instead stick a vein in my arm.  That would get their sample, but not help with the issue with the port. 

The second flushing worked just fine.  Just fine.  The blood pumped out into the tubes, thick, rich and deep ruby red.  Healthy, happy blood.  I drove over to the hospital and found my way back to the radiology department where I checked in and then they took me back to the dark room.  They filled out trees of paperwork and then lead me to a recliner quiet and cold in the dark.  They covered me up with a warm blanket and then injected the radionuclide.  Then left me to incubate in the quiet and dark.  They were down one scanner and had an unusual number of trauma victims coming in through the ER, so they were having to fit everyone in to the one machine.  I just sat in the dark, my eyes closed and waited.  Hours ticked by and finally they came in and rushed me into the room.  Empty your bladder, flush twice, wash your hands carefully.  radiation.  They could tell I had been here before.  I had the ropes down.  I was patient, I did not need to change into a gown, I did not freak out.  I laid on the table and raised my arms over my head and the ride began.  In and out, whirring and swirling noises filled the space around me.  Not loud, more like a whale song.  After all the waiting this seemed to go quickly.  They swept me up, handed me my belongings and shepherded me out the back door as another person was loaded into the machine. 

I went to the cafeteria.  I have never been there.  The food was too salty, but very inexpensive and I had collards and a baked sweet potato and some baked chicken.  Healthy food for the first food of the day.  I already was starting to get a headache, and still do not feel quite right.  Nothing big or important, just normal for going that long without eating and having radionuclide's injected into your blood stream.  I stopped at the Dollar Tree and Wally world for things needed for The Fantastick's.  I jumped in the toy, top down and drove through the glorious spring day back across the Florida/Georgia line driving south home to rest before rehearsals tonight.  Yes, rehearsals, two of them.  One for The Fantastick's, the other the first read through for The Murder Mystery. 

Now it is time to head up to rehearsal.
Spring, beautiful spring is here
Next week?
Looks like more glorious weather.
It is bike week in Daytona.
It always rains during bike week.
This year could be different
maybe
we will see.
Meanwhile, I have beloved ones coming to visit me
I have fun things planned.
I have rehearsals
I have azaleas and a tiny Bradford pear blooming and filling my yard with color and movements.
I have bird feeders up and even added a feeder with mealy worms for Azure and Cobalt Martin.
Yes, my bluebird martins are back.
Lots to do,
fun to have
maybe a trip to the Florida History Museum
maybe a trip to the beach
maybe just joy and laughter
maybe

butterflies and girlfriends

Tuesday I drove into Tallahassee and went to the magic and costume store and talked to the magician there.  He took me through a couple of tricks that I brought home to show Melanie and see if she would be interested in adding them anywhere in the show.  I ran a few errands and drove home to drive to Gainesville to go to the Museum of Natural History.  They have a butterfly garden there.

I finished packing, put the kids in the pasture with extra food and treats, got into the toy and headed back to my college town.  Yes, in case I have never mentioned it before, I graduated from THE University of Florida.  Kim had gotten us a room at the Cabot Lodge.  She got there before me and was waiting in the lobby when I finally made it to the hotel.  I settled in and then we headed over to Bonefish for dinner.  We each choose appetizers and then split a strawberry shortcake.  We talked and sipped our tea, closed our eyes and savored the flavors of each bite.  It was a lovely meal, nice atmosphere, even though all the restaurants were packed, and on a Tuesday evening.  The service was balanced nicely, the food plated lovely and just the right amount.  Everything was delicious.  We headed back to the hotel and talked until we fell asleep.

Wednesday morning we had breakfast downstairs then drove over to the Museum.  It is just around the corner from the hotel.  We walked into the museum, both of us already smiling from ear to ear.  This is such a lovely facility.  There is the Harn Art Museum, the Museum of Natural History and the Performing Arts Center.  I have had the opportunity to watch my Annie in the Little Match Girl at the Performing Arts Center.  Today we were focusing mostly on the butterfly garden.  

We bought our tickets and walked past the mastodon skeleton and right to the Exhibition, Cruising the Fossil Freeway. It was as much an art exhibition as it is a story about a paleontologist and an artist who drove across the west, travelling 5000 miles collecting fossils and making wonderful funky art.  Here is a link to Ray Troll's art at the SOHO COHO Gallery in Ketchikan, AK .  We loved the exhibition and took our time walking through looking at the dinosaur skeletons and the art work.  I loved his map of where they went he even has a trilo bike on it instead of a trilobite.  Hee hee.  He is funny and witty and makes such wonderfully imaginative art.  I think you would enjoy looking.  And the Exhibition will be at the museum until September 3, 2012.  I had misunderstood and thought that it was closing this week, but it is not.  If you can get to Gainesville to the Museum of Natural History before September 3, I strongly recommend that you go see this fun, interesting, entertaining and imaginative exhibition.  Children and adults will love this show.  I mean they have dinosaur skeletons, who doesn't love that?

After the trip down the Fossil Freeway, Kim and I decided to go to the butterfly garden next, before it got too hot later that day.  It is magical.  It is beautiful.  It is wondrous.  Walking around this grand sweeping screen enclosed garden, filled with butterflies from all over the world.  Big iridescent blue morphos and delicate zebra longwings floating past your face, tiny finches and painted quail scurrying under feet.  A small red eared slider, just hatched and dug out from the sand scampered up the walk in front of Kim and I.  One of the docents came by and gently set it down where it could find the water.  The plants and flowers, levels and levels of colors with birds and butterflies filling the air.  Butterflies hung from leaves like brilliant gems.  The sounds of twittering and chirping, calling back and forth and the song and the sound swirls through the air as the butterflies flutter in time with the music.  The temperature was perfect, not too hot, but very comfortable and still warm enough for the butterflies to take flight and play.  We lingered in the beauty, the joy of two entomologists pointing out plants and Latin names of butterflies.  Okay, I was naming the plants and Kim the butterflies.  But we both so childlike with sparkling eyes and excited voices and enjoying this special magical moment. 

A delicious lunch at the cafe between the art gallery and the museum where we sat and talked about what we had seen.  The room decorated with photos of camellias, red, pink and white.  Big bright windows looking out on the manicured gardens.  We relaxed our feet while we ate and talked and then headed back to the museum.  We walked through a few more exhibits and then did one final pass through the butterfly garden.  We shopped in the gift store, filled with books and t-shirts, posters and memorabilia from each exhibit. 

As we drove home our heads and eyes were still in the garden with colors floating past, happy and relaxed.  We took a quiet time then headed over to The Olive Garden, but there was quite a wait so we turned back to the hotel and ate at the McAllister's Gourmet Deli.  Again, delicious food.  Maybe all the meals were wonderful.  Maybe it was the moment, the time with a dear precious friend, visions of jewels lifting up into the sky.  Maybe it is Kim's sweet melodic voice.  Maybe it was getting away for a day or two and seeing new things.  I think maybe all of the above.  But it was a dear lovely time.  We talked until we fell asleep once again, dreaming of colors and flowers, wings like gems and songs like angels.

Hogtown.  I stopped by and visited my friend Other Bob.  He had had a cold, but was feeling better.  We took a walk around the pond.  Again, a beautiful magical place and it felt good to stretch my back and legs after the drive up.  Then back on the road to get home and go to rehearsal. 

We are coming along on the play.  Melanie has cast an amazing group of actors.  Such talent and joy these people share.  Fun, it is so much fun at rehearsal listening to the other actors talk and laugh.  Listening to their voices rise up across the stage and out into the audience.  I perform my dance moving across the platforms, darting here and there.  Carrying props, moving set pieces, skipping and weaving through the story, the glorious story of youth and love.  This show could sell out, I suggest that you check for tickets now.  We only have two weekends and six performances.  You can look Here to check out the Opera House coming attractions. 

Friday morning I woke up and fed the animals, checked on the chickens and once again loaded my suitcase in the trunk of the toy and this time headed southwest.  I drove to Jan's place, Rainbow's End, in Crawfordville.  The ladies were waiting and looked like they were having a fine visit together.  We loaded up in the toy, top up unfortunately because the sky was thick with wet gray fog.  We headed towards St. George and Apalachicola.  Our plan had been to go to the state park on St. George and then drive over to Apalachicola and look through the shops and have lunch.  As we slipped through the mist and fog skimming the coast of the warm Gulf of Mexico we did not see the sky clearing and so skipped the walk on the beach and headed directly to downtown Apalachicola.  We parked the car and walked through galleries and gift shops, The River Lily, The bookstore.  I bought earrings in River Lily and alpaca yarn at the book store from the sale trunk.  We had a delicious lunch in the cool purple table cloths and purple flowered wall paper over looking the water at Caroline's.  Jan, Kim and I talked easily and laughed.  Our hearts beating in rhythm as we smiled into each other's faces.  A peaceful and joyfulness wrapped around us as we marvelled at how happy we were to be so close to such precious dear friends.  We spent a wonderful day walking around familiar shops together, the weather held so that we did not get rained on, but by the time we were all loaded into the toy the fog was rolling in.  The trunk filled with books, jewels, yarn and plants.  Such a wonderful little garden center.  We brought home succulents and free chive and lavender plants.  The car again slipped quietly along the coast line, cutting through the thick gray cotton candy that had taken the place of space and air.  We drove through Sopchoppy following the bossy voice of the GPS.  Other Bob had shown me how to use my GPS when I left Lake Parks.  It took a bit to get it to work, but Jan and I pushed buttons and tried and tried until the loud bossy voice, sounding as OB had described, as a voice of a museum docent told us she was ready and what we should do.  

We wasted very little time getting into our jammies once we got home.  Kim had volunteered to give foot rubs to Jan and I.  I had to decline because I have been told by many massage therapist that only someone trained in cancer massages should give me a massage.  We talked and nibbled at this and that.  We talked until our eyes heavy lidded and glazing over, our minds foggy and tired from a wonderful day and we each staggered off to our dear beds.  The one Jan had give me was a fold up bed that Pete had designed.  It was such a clever idea.  So clever.  I slept fitful as I have lately.  I think the crazy meds are working in that I have not had an anxiety attack in a couple of weeks now, but I do not sleep well.  I keep hoping that will pass and I will get back to my dreams and restful time at night.  

This morning I awoke hearing Kim moving around her room next door to mine.  I got up and said good morning.  We were just sitting down to breakfast when Jan wandered out.  Each of us tired from a very full few days.  Each of us happy and content from a sweet few days.  We talked and watched the weather.  We saw the devastation.  We saw the numbers adding up of those lost from the storms as they marched over the land moving south and east.  Wind and tornadoes, houses not just sticks strewn across the screen, people looking shocked.  We watched with sad eyes, but even this did not darken our time together.  Kim headed back towards her Jim in Tampa.  I headed back to Labrun and my precious animals.  Looking forward to wrapping my arms around my pets and snuggling all of us safe and warm in the house.  Safe as we watched the weather blow and bluster, spin and tear across the land and water here.  

And I sat and rested, made a batch of granola and a pot of minestrone soup.  Perfect food for a rainy day.  I had stopped on my way home and picked up animal food and fresh fruit and veggies for me.  I still have not managed to remember to pick up my bird seed.  I need to get some soon.  I can't wait to see my back yard filled with butterflies and birds.  The new green is sprouting up through the deep dark soil.  Lilies of every color and variety, irises and phlox, all pushing through and budding out fat with the promise of flowers bright with color and scent.  It is spring.  It is raining.  The weather is harsh, but it is passing.  A cold front pushing the warm moist weather in front of it.  Tomorrow it will snow on Vicki.  It will be cool but spring like here.  I have a friend coming to breakfast and then I will spend the rest of the day at rehearsal. 

Tomorrow night, I hope like tonight, will be early and I will sleep and dream.  I will rest, relaxed from my week with my girlfriends.  I flip through the pages of the book written by Ray Troll and Kirk Johnson.  I look at the art, the photos of fossils, I smile.  I close my eyes and see the wings of every color flutter past my face, I hear the song of birds and the laughter of beloved ones.  I sigh with sweetness from time with my friends.

This week will be busy getting ready for my sister, Sioux and her daughters and grand daughters coming up for a girl's camping trip.  We will miss Susan and Annie, Linda, Marilyn and Whitney, Jayma and Laura, Bonnie and Corie.  We still miss Sarah and Hannah.  But we are getting together.  Maybe next year we can get a few more of the mothers and daughters here.  Maybe I can set it up so JongAe and Jessica can come.  But that is next weekend.  The week after that, Dad with Rob, JongAe and Jessica will come to visit. 
Lots to do before then. 
Rehearsals, magic, cleaning and prepping. 
I am ready. 
I am happy and I think I shall go to bed early and ready until I fall asleep. 
Sleep
dreams
joy and happiness
sigh
what a wonderful life

The song of rain

I woke early this morning to the song of rain.  Soft, soothing pinging on the pipes on my roof.  A staccato beat of lovely rain drops dancing on my roof, washing the dirt and pollen, grime and dust off the plants and my car.  I love the sound of rain.  I love walking in the rain, I love dancing in the rain, I love sitting and watching the rain.  I love snuggling down under the covers and watching old movies or reading a good book with a hot cup of tea as the rain comes down outside.  But not today.  No, today I am........wait for it............don't guess..........at the Opera House.  Surprise!  What???  you are not surprised?  really?  

Ron, another volunteer and worker here at the Opera House said he was going to bring in a sleeping bag.  I said I used to say I was going to put a cot upstairs in one of the dressing rooms, but then I realized that was silly.  When was I going to sleep?  I am always busy and running trying to keep up with everything here.  Sleep?  Nope, too much to do.  He laughed and said I had a good point.  

WARNING:  If you are going to get upset with me and tell me to slow down, or to have negative thoughts or ideas about how busy I am, then please, skip this post.  I know that I am busy.   I know that I do too much.  I know who I am.  I have tried to go against my nature my entire life.  But the bottom line is I am a worker bee.  An ant.  A creature most comfortable doing.  A human doing, who has to make a concerted effort to be a human being instead of a human doing.  And honestly?  I love my life.  I love everything I get to do. 

Do I get tired?  Oh yes, yes I do.  So?!?!  I will rest later.  Or not.  Life is short, I don't want to miss anything.  And yes, some things I do are only to make other people happy.  But it makes me happy to see others happy.  Yes, I am a Pollyanna.

I know I am busier then someone with Stage 4 lung cancer should be.  After all, eating, resting and getting moderate exercise are the things I can do to keep myself healthy.  I have always been healthy, even with chronic diseases, and I just don't think of myself as sick or disabled or not capable of doing anything I want.  And resting, not doing is just not in my nature.

Friday I volunteered here at the Opera House office and then stayed over after work to set tables, assist the caters getting the plates ready.  I served dinner, I cleaned up after the dinner and I worked the spot and the sound effects.  We all work hard.  We all do what we need to do to keep things running smoothly.  It was a 13 hour day here for me at the Opera House, and I left exhausted, but it was the last weekend of Nobody's Perfect, and there were a lot of things I needed to do in the office to help out.  I did have a perfect show that night.  I have not had bad shows, but it was the one night where I hit everything perfectly on cue. 

Saturday I was here at 12:30 for rehearsal for The Fantastick's.  At 5:30 I had to ask to be excused so that I could come home and change before I had to be back here at 6:00 to get ready for dinner and the show, closing night of the  Nobody's Perfect.  After the show it is our custom to sit around one table.  Crowded together laughing and talking, reminiscing, usually about Colin, and saying good by to the show.  After spending this much time as a group each ending, even though we will all probably be in another show, it is still an ending.  A closing.  Turn off the lights and tear down the set kind of thing.  Take apart and turn into memories a special time of play and joy and laughter.  But after 12 hours I was bushed and headed home.

I had friends who had come from out of town to see the show and one stayed over in my guest room that night.  We sat up and talked until 1:00am, Then I just collapsed into an ooze of cranky exhaustion, shuffling to bed where I lay tossing and turning all night.  I am switching my crazy meds and I have not slept.  No dreams, no REM sleep, just night after night of tossing and turning, struggling to turn my brain off, growing more exhausted everyday.  I need my sleep, even more these days.  And to go a couple of days without sleep has always been difficult for me, but with this schedule, it was becoming unbearable. 

Sunday morning I woke, exhausted and cranky.  My eyes bleary, my mind sluggish, my body heavy.  I fixed breakfast and drove my friend north of Thomasville, turned around in the pouring rain and pointed the nose of the toy south.  I got to the Opera House about 12:30, we were supposed to be there at 1:00 to break set.  When I had headed north past the Opera House on my way to Thomasville I had seen Denise's jeep already there so I knew they had come in early to work.  By the time I got back George had joined Judy and Denise and they were already taking the walls down.  It is so amazing that it takes so many days to plan and design then build a set.  Weeks to rehearse and get ready for the show.  But we only have one day to take it apart and put it away with all the pieces still held behind of previous shows.  Memories in paint and wood, screws and tape.  The sets and props seem to take on the laughter and tears of both the cast/crew and the audience.  Now stacked up waiting to be useful and a part of another production.  I disconnected my sound and light equipment and carried what I could over to the elevator to be taken upstairs and put away.  Mary came with me upstairs helping me to slip the cords and wires, speaker and equipment away into their wedges.  She went back downstairs to get the next load going up ready.  I turned my back to the old show and prepared for another 5 hour rehearsal of running and dancing, skipping and hopping.  I am loosing weight.  I have no appetite, but calories in and calories out are tough when you are doing shows.  I always loose weight during shows.  The stress, the hours, the physical exertion, the exhaustion.  Geez, reading those words it is amazing that any of us do this sort of thing.  But the laughter, the love, the closeness, the friendship, the shared desire to give to our audience, learning new things, memorizing lines or blocking, playing and dancing.  That is why we do this. 

Sunday I got home around 6:30, early for me these days.  I talked to my Vicki and Dad and was in bed a little after 8:00pm.  Completely spent and exhausted.  But feeling good about everything accomplished for the weekend.  The house was respectable.  Dusting, but vacuumed, the dishes washed, the laundry done.  I know I am burning the candle from both ends and the middle, but for now, this is how it is going to be until I can get my commitments taken care of.

Last night I slept.  I dreamed.  I woke early like I do every morning, but instead of my eyes refusing to open, they fluttered and then gave way feeling as if they had been blessed with a gift finer then all the treasures known to human kind.  They had slept.  They had shifted back and forth the way eyes do during REM sleep.  Closed to the outside world my eyes had watched the visions of dreams in my mind.  My body released and collapsed.  Maybe the meds are starting to kick in, maybe it had not choice but to finally sleep.  I don't know.  But I woke with a smile brushing my lips, crinkling my eyes and pushing out my cheeks.  I felt like a new woman.  Whole and alive, not groggy and cranky.  Sweet blessed sleep, with the sound of rain dancing outside.  The dogs and cats and I nestled in my room, safe and warm, dry and together.  My little family surrounding me sharing their love with me, me with them.

I know that I can not keep up this pace.  I am not trying to.  I am not trying to prove anything or infuriate others.  I am not trying to do anything but live my life.  A full, busy, busy life.  A life of doing and experiencing, rich with friends and love.  A life that will most probably be cut short.  Some of that time gone because of the pace I keep today.  I know that.  I know that if I want to live longer the answer is not to do as much as I do.  But you see, it is not about the number of days I spend in this body on this planet.  It is about the experiences, the friends, the love, the things I see and taste and smell and feel.  I have been chastised a lot lately for the crazy schedule I keep.  Ms Moon has not been getting on me.  She has seen me struggle with busyness our entire friendship, she accepts me for who I am.  Vicki has watched me my whole life be like this, she loves me for who I am.  My Dad worries that I do too much.  But he also knows that is the person I saw in him, always busy, always involved and going and doing.  There are a lot of reasons I do what I do.  One is because that is what I remember with my parents.  To be liked.  Childish or not, I know that is a piece of the puzzle.  Another piece is to keep away the loneliness of being alone.  If I stay active and busy I am too tired to be lonely.  I am a social hermit.  I need to be around people at times, but the rest of the time I would just as soon lock the gate and stay busy with my hands in the dirt and my nose in a book.  By making commitments to my community and friends, it forces me out of that lock down and makes me put on a bra, a smile and get out in the world.  Something that I am not always willing to do.  But knowing that I am an extreme person, either full stop or full go, I know that if I did not stay busy here at this beloved old red brick building, that I might just disappear into Labrun and never be heard or seen again.  Hmmm, that is not a bad thing.  But I have made a concious effort to be part of my community.  To give and try in my little way to make the world better by doing for others.  I should be happy with myself for what I have already accomplished in my life.  But it is not enough.  Or is it that I am missing a piece of my puzzle and so I fill my life with busy doings to avoid that hole, that missing piece. 

I don't know.  I know that am tired to the bone.  But tomorrow and for the rest of the week it will be about rest and relaxation, mostly.  I am going into Tallahassee tomorrow on errands and then down to Gainesville to the Museum of Natural History and the butterfly garden with my friend Kim and then out to Apalachicola, if all goes as planned.

It is still gray and drizzling, but the rain looks like it is passing.  Tomorrow is supposed to be warm and lovely, a great day for a motorcycle ride.  A great day to put the top down on the toy and drive south for a couple of hours to see a friend.  Starting this weekend, everything moves to warp speed with rehearsals.  We will be all blocked and it will be about layering and prefecting.  Adding the little touches, the tilt of the head, the turn of the hand.  It will be exhausting, it always is.  But whatever, when the show closes and I am already in rehearsals for the murder mystery, I will be able to add another cool play to my bio.  Another wonderful experience to my memory banks.
The show must go on!
And I am but a mere player on this stage I have set
and I must dance and run
shout and weep
laugh and sing
keep my feet moving
always moving
always going
that is just who I am
and I like me
just as I am