Sittin On A Porch

Sittin On A Porch
Our little back porch

Tuesday, March 13, 2012


Do I sound like a petulant 12 year old?  Well I feel like one.  Which is a step up from how I felt an hour ago.  An hour ago I was having an anxiety attack.  An hour ago I was on the verge of crying.  An hour ago I thought I only had three months to live. 

Am I being dramatic.  Yes, Yes, I am.

And you would to if you had gone to one of the very worst doctors ever given a degree in doctoring and he told you to go home and die.  Then you are whisked away into the amazing and magical world of Dr. M.  Dr. McCutie Pie.  The Most wonderful and amazing doctor you could ever ask for.  He has excellent doctoring skills.  He is handsome and has a sweet smile.  He is extremely intelligent.  He is married and uses that same charm and skill that he used to win his beautiful wife to soothe his female patients.  "I am married so I know better then to tell you what to do.  But if I could just make a suggestion......"  See, he knows how to talk to me. 

He reached in and grabbed me back through the veil of death back to life.  He saved my life.  Yes, that is dramatic, but it is true.  It is simply true.  This man saved my life.  And now....

And now......

He is leaving.

The amazing and most wonderful doctor I have ever known is simply packing up his beautiful family and moving. 

The new crazy meds he has me on has been wonderful.  I am so much more peaceful.  I have not had any anxiety, well, since the two weeks it takes to get into your system.  Nothing, I have just been calm and accepting, well adjusted, happy, sane.  And that is how I feel.  Sane. 

I told him that he was going to have to bump up my crazy meds if he is going to leave.  He laughed and said I was fine.  He then told me that the PT Scan came out great.  No problems.  The cancer is controlled.
For now

I told him that I thought he would be my doctor for as long as I lived.  That he would be the doctor I would have when I died.  So that gives me three months to live my life.  Yes, I sound crazy, but I am afraid.  I am afraid to loose Dr. M.  He has taken a woman who was dying and made her live.  In a lot of circles that is called a miracle.  To him, another day at the office.

Bobbie and Ashley his two nurses tried to calm me.  We all three ended up with tears in our eyes.  I started thinking how could I live the rest of my life in three months? Can I get all the paperwork done?  Can I make all the trips I want to make, do all the things I want before he leaves?

Can I live after he leaves?
Can I?

I don't know!

At this moment, all the terror and anxiety is back.
Not as bad as before the crazy meds
But bad enough

They are loosing two other doctors at the same time.
They are replacing all three doctors with three woman doctors
I am a woman
I don't want a woman doctor
I have never cared one way or another before

but now I want a doctor just like Dr. M
I don't want anything new
I don't want different
I want a doctor that I can not get away with anything
Who will talk to me intelligently and like he is speaking to his beloved wife
I am not his wife, but I like that he has one and that he knows how to talk to women
with respect

Will another woman find me funny?
Will she get Judy, Mary and I?
Will she make me want to put on make up and look good?
Will she make me want to live?



I feel like I should be on the ground throwing a temper tantrum.
I need to get past this
This is not the worst thing in the world
I am healthy and well
I still have a lot of life to live
But Dr. M, the amazing and wonderful Dr. M was part of the reason for me wanting to live

He loves a challenge and he challenged me to want to live and to move past cancer
To have a life filled with quality
Will the next doctor care and like me for me?
Or will I simply be another patient with cancer

That is how the first doctor saw me

Ms Moon said that maybe Dr. M is really not all that amazing.  Maybe compared to Dr. Blowsucker he just seemed amazing.
I tried.
I really tried hard to believe that.
I know Ms Moon was hoping to believe that too
We really don't believe that
Dr. M, the amazing Dr. M is special
I have felt special being his patient
and now I
I don't know
I wanted to get better and live because it seemed to mean so much to him
He knew how to work me to get me to want to live again
will the next doctor?

I don't want another doctor
He only told me because he did not want me to read it in the form letter coming out
He wanted to be the one to tell me.
I am crying

I am anxious
I am childish and self centered and having a pity party

But it is Dr. M, the amazing Dr. M and Ashley and Bobbie, the world's two greatest nurses
There is Mary and Judy and me
The six of us saved me
The six of us were a team
I love these people
I hate change
and this is big change
this is really really big change
this is more then I can handle right now
even on my new crazy meds

Three months
How can I live the rest of my life in three months??????
Will I still want to live after he is gone?
I don't know
isn't that silly?
I am not considering killing myself
no, I am not crazy
I am on meds for that
But somehow it just feels that when he leaves my life, my very breath will go out with him
but not come back

Will I will survive
will I will carry on
Maybe I will like this new doctor
maybe they will be amazing like Ms Moon said

I mean, a doctor as amazing as Dr. M?  We knew he would not stay,
but I just thought he would be here as long as I was.

Okay, I feel better
I still scared
I still feel anxious
I still do not like this one little bit
no, not one little bit
but I have no choice
Dr. M has no choice
He needs to go where he can stretch and learn and grow
Where he can save many more people
where he can become the most amazing Oncologist to ever walk this earth
instead of the most amazing Oncologist to walk in my world

His job here is done
sort of like Nanny McPhee
As Nanny McPhee always says,
"When you need me, but don't want me, I must stay,
when you want me, but don't need me, I must go."

Maybe I don't need him anymore, I just want him to be here in my world.
He could see me crying
He could see Bobbie and Ashley hugging me,
they each had tears in their eyes.
He knows this is going to be hard.

He smiled and looked at us with those big dark caring eyes
He looked at me and I knew he must do this
but I don't feel like being big about it
not yet
I will

He did say as he walked out of the door
"I have a plan for you."
and he does
and he will tell it to me over the next three months
and when it is time for him to go,
I will cry again
but for now I have other things I must do.
I must return to my body and life as an adult
I can not stay acting like a petulant teenager.
No matter how much that feels like the right thing to do.

The most amazing and marvelous Dr. M is leaving y'all
but he has a plan


  1. I completely and totally understand. I can't feel what you are feeling, obviously, but I can understand why you feel the way you do because, well, everything you said is just the plain truth. He snatched you back from death. He is amazing. And he is OUR Dr. McCutiePie.
    Sometimes I just hate change. Okay, mostly I do. But sometimes I hate it worse than other times. And now I am hating it for you.
    I love you, Kathleen. Somehow, this will all be okay but it's okay to be REALLY petulant about it now.

  2. It is possible to prepare for the dreaded departures of those we love and Dr M's plan sounds like a good preparation, so that when he goes, you can survive.

  3. How very fortunate you were to have this doctor come into your life. . . it will not be easy, but I just know that this fine doctor will see you thru these next three months and give you the strength to know you will continue to live after he has moved on.... he has given you this gift.

  4. Oh Kathleen, I am crying for you. I can't really know how you feel, because I do not have stage 4 cancer, but I'm losing my wonderful, beautiful doctor, too, and do know how scary it is. I have an inflammatory type of arthritis, which is not life-threatening, but extremely painful. I went to one rheumatologist who told me I just had to live with it, then I found my amazing Dr. P. at the Mayo Clinic, who has my pain at a manageable level. He told me a few months ago he is moving to a Mayo in New York to be close to his grandchildren. While I was happy for him and his family, I was freaking out for myself. This was the doctor who made my life worth living. What was I going to do?

    I have one more appointment with him in a couple of weeks, and after that I don't know what will happen to me. But I'm trying to be confident that another doctor, maybe not quite as amazing, but one who will continue to help me, will come along. I sure hope the same for you.

    Thank you for your wonderful blog and I wish you all the best. Your friend, even though you don't know me, Lorie

  5. I believe that you will do fine and will survive. He is not going to leave you without having a transition. And if he is going to another clinic, perhaps he can continue to follow your care there as well (as a consult). Be hopeful and all will be okay.