Sittin On A Porch

Sittin On A Porch
Our little back porch

Saturday, February 19, 2011

We are all tired

I am tired, but we all are.  I have been more tired before, that would have been when I was in Fiddler on the Roof.  We had like 10 rehearsals in a row from like 6:00pm - 10:30pm and that was after I worked a full day or more each day, and I was so tired that I tried to scan some papers set to be shredded, no big deal.  But I almost shredded the documents I was so supposed to scan.  That would have been bad, very bad.  I don't think I have ever been as tired as I was then.  But this is close.   I don't know about you, but I get over sensitive when I am tired.  And last night one of my dear friends told me not to come to the set up today.  I have cancer, so I do not have to do the work others do.  I took it personally.  It felt like I was being rejected.  

I have been rejected before by my friends.  And this felt like it again.  I wasn't doing anything wrong.  Just working my light board, being a part of the show.  Doing things with my friends, and they are telling me they don't want me there.  She kept talking, I kept trying to explain why I wanted to help, and it was a small, but overly dramatic mess with me feeling like I was being criticized, yelled at and rejected.  And then everyone seemed to side with her.  That is because she was showing concern, it did not matter that it had hurt my feelings.  That again, is like the last time.  I was moving away from my friends then.  I think  I had made them feel rejected by me.  I felt rejected by them, and everyone was hurt.  I have since gotten to spend time with those friends from that time, who thought about things, and realized that I had never said I did not love them or that I could easily replace them.  I had not said that.  Shoot, I was 50 years old and moving away from friends who had been so dear to me for 20 years, and I was terrified that I would not know how to make new friends.  Yes, I had a few friends up here that I loved dearly, they are work related.  Nothing wrong with friends from work, but I knew I would need to make friends that had things in common with me outside of work. 

And now it felt like that all over.  I will take my portion of the blame because I know now that I was just being oversensitive, and really she was only trying to show concern, but who likes to be told what to do, and we are all tired, so I have to think she might have been a little oversensitive also. She does not usually push me so hard to do what she wants me to do.

Don't get me wrong, I know that when people are telling me what to do it is because they care.  Because they worry over me, because they love me.  And I love them dearly for it, and if they could just tell me what to do once, and then let it go and let me at 55 run my own life, then we would all be happy.  I am not sure we woman are made that way though.  I just hope that it is over, and as soon as I can get some rest, i am sure that I will be able to let this go.  Right now, it still hurts.

The play is going well.  The ladies are wonderful, and each night it is a joy to sit in my dark little spot and listen to them.  Thursday night was the Altrusia show and it is always fun, filled with people who have come to have a good time, to laugh and see a show and drink wine and cheer us on.  Friday night's audience was fine, but they always seem a little flat after the incredible audience we have on Thursday.   Tonight I am sure we will have an amazing group.  For one thing most of the extended Moon clan will be there.  That always makes Mary nervous, naturally.  But I have no doubt that she will be as amazing as always.

It is a lot of fun to work with a cast of woman.  We have Jack, one of the Directors and Caleb who is in the crew, but other then that everyone with the show are woman.  And Jack and Caleb are in touch with their feminine side, so they work well with us.

This morning I had hoped to sleep in, but I did sleep well even if it was not long enough.  I ran a few errands, went up to the Opera House and helped to set tables, and it was good that I was there, because all the people who said they would be there, were not, so as always every hand was appreciated.  Ms Pat went upstairs and walked the seating area picking up drink glasses, candy wrapper, programs and other assorted trash.  I had down it the night before, but it wasn't bad.  Our Thursday night group is much more considerate then our regular audiences, who tend to be slobs.  

McMurray.  I wanted the rainbow collection, but I think if I buy a mixture of the 4 varieties I should end up with a rainbow basket of eggs.  That is great.   I hate torturing those poor little things being shipped a day after they hatch from McMurray.  Plus I really like buying local, and I do not need 25 chicks, which is the minimum you can buy from McMurray.  I am so excited about new babies.  The only bad thing is that you take what they have, they are not sexed, so you can end up with more roosters then you need , or want.

Then into town.  I drove the scenic Hwy 90 which this summer will be flanked by every color of crape Myrtle you can imagine.  Each color and plant location affects when and how long it blooms, so it is an ever changing palette of white, pinks, purples, magenta's and reds.  I missed the heirloom rose collection sale last weekend, but they always have plenty, even at the April sale, I just wanted to make it there before they closed at noon.  And I did with time to share to find that they had had a record setting sale the week before.  They had never in the history of the sale sold so many roses in one weekend.  That left some slim pickings.  To be exact 4.  And I don't mean 4 varieties I mean 4 pots of rose.  There was one there that had a name longer then a winner of the Westminster Dog Show with petite in it somewhere.  A small bush that produces clusters of deep magenta simple 5 petals flowers with a white center, unscented.  Not what I had imagined but it will do fine in that corner where I lost the Comtessa.  I have another Comtessa on the other side of the garden, and I think this smaller rose bush will balance the garden out just fine.

So that did not take any time so on to Lowe's to pick up the potting mix to plant my seeds.

After Lowe's I stopped by Esposito's to see what they had there.  I bought some yard long been seeds.  They are my favorite variety of green beans.  Tasty and fun and they can grow up to 24 inches long.  Then a quick trip to Fresh Market to get some treats, veggie chips, the olive bar, special chocolate, sunflower bread, giant asparagus.  Oh yeah, good things.  And enough to make it through tomorrow.  Oh, and shortbread cookies.  I love short bread.  Then as I was coming out of Fresh Market, there were girl scout cookies, so I bought a box of thin mint, of course and do-si-does, which are the peanut butter ones.  I love girl scout cookies. 

The drive was amazing, sunny, cool, a beautiful day for a ride with the top down.  

So we have almost made it through our first weekend.  Now a week where we can all rest, and do it again next weekend.  And then the next weekend, then auditions for the Spring Murder Mystery.

And hopefully I can have a quiet week.  Three weeks ago I was dealing with the loss of Colin, the week after that, I had my Ex here.  This past week, no chemo, but good news and it was looking good.  Then on Thursday when I went into the office, I discovered that I had one employee.  One had scheduled a vacation, another had said they would probably be out of the office most of the week while his significant other had knee surgery.  But that would still leave 2 employees.  One had gotten sick Tuesday, missed coming in on Wednesday, which had left Ms Rachel by herself.  Then Thursday morning we got the call that Derrick was in route to the hospital with a heart attack.  He is in his early 30s.  Now we know that his left ventricle upper was 100% blocked but they could go in and clear most of it.  The lower half was a different story, and is too damaged for them to do anything.  I have no idea when he will be back.  I know that he will be "OK" but I don't know what that will mean. 

So this week ended up stressful, and with long nights of rehearsals and shows.  We are all tired. But we are there, each of us doing our best.  Each of us playing the dance of words and movements, lights and sounds, together working as one to entertain our neighbors, family and friends.  The Stage Manager cheering us on, cuing us and making sure that everyone is where they should be, guiding the dance.  The props Manager trying to find all the things that keep getting moved and lost.  Playing.  Playing with some of the people I love most in this world.  And when I am there, and we are all tired, I am normal.  I am not the one with cancer, I am just another one of the crew.  I get to dress all in black and sit in the dark and join the Stage Manager, cheering the amazing people I am getting to play with.

But now to nap, to rest, to recharge.  So hopefully tonight I will be less sensitive, and hopefully my friends will accept me for who I am, and worry, but a little less, and remember Shelby's line, if I may paraphrase, "I would rather have 15 minutes of wonderful then a lifetime of normal."  That is me.  I would rather get to live my life now and do the things that I want, even if it means that I live a little shorter time.  I want to have a life that is full and rich and worth being here for.  I want no regrets, I want to have whatever time I have, and live it.  Really live it.  


  1. I remember that things often go awry when I am hungry, angry, lonesome, or tired. Rest will help. I don't like to be controlled either. Amazing how many people do that.

  2. There is a fine line between wanting you to spared some of the busy-work that can be done by others so that you can rest and collect your strength so that you CAN do all that you wish to do, that only YOU can do, and seeming bossy or controlling.
    Of course I can freely admit that I fall on the wrong side of that a lot and that I did it before you ever got sick.
    Can I just tell you this one thing, my darling Kathleen? It is not the things you DO which we love you for. Okay, we love the woman you are who can do these things and who DOES do these things but our love is not based on that.
    Our love is based on your heart, your soul, your unique and wonderful Kathleen-ness and dammit, if we want you to get some well-deserved rest, it's just because we love to see your smile.
    Sorry. This is all non-focused and not exactly what I want to say but I guess, hell, forgive me for that as well as me being bossy.
    And then go on and be exactly who you are, doing exactly what you want to do and I would expect nothing less.
    Love always...M