Wednesday I had planned on going to work for a couple of hours and then heading over to the Opera House around 11:30 to take the flowers. They needed me at 10. I was exhausted, physically, emotionally and mentally. Every part of me all the way to my DNA was exhausted. I got up Wednesday and arranged the 3 vases of flowers for the table. I ran a little late but I was there a little after 10 and helped Jack and Jan and Colin's family to get things set up. We needed more flowers, so I picked them up so each table had flowers. There were also flowers delivered by Gellings, beautiful sprays and plants to cluster around the podium and the sign in book. I baked a cake because as a southern women, this is what I do. Unfortunately I rushed it out of the pan, and as I drove to the Opera House, it imploded, making this farting noise as it went down. I took it in the kitchen, and they said it wasn't that bad. Ok, it tasted wonderful, but it was ugly, really ugly.
We had no idea maw many might show up so we had seating for about 80. I swear there were 150. Colin had worked for Burroughs Co. in Tallahassee for like 25 years, so he had friends from there and before. It was a badge of honor to say how long you had known Colin before you started telling stories about our Colin. And there were lots and lots of people with Colin stories. They were not sugar coated, and focused around his life as a charming playboy, pilot, golfer, loving father and brother, rebel, chef, data sheet maker, obsessive, adorable, sweet, kind, bawdy, irreverent, bungee jumper, jumper out of a perfectly good plane; loyal friend. The room was filled with laughter through the tears and we celebrated our Colin. Yes, we did. And it was wonderful, except that it seemed so odd to be at the Opera House, our play place with our Colin, and here were these other hundred people. I loved the stories and the room completely filled with love for our Colin.
But I got no closure. I talked to some of the others in the Stage Company, they said the same. We understand Colin doing it his way, but it was selfish. He deprived us to show him one last time how much he was adored. I know he knew it, and I know he did want any fuss, but we needed it. Colin is gone. We are all still at a loss. Trying to move on through our lives, but impacted more then we could have ever imagined.
Colin drove down from Aucilla to Melbourne to be with his 3 kids, 2 sisters, his ex wife, a nephew/god son and a niece two days before he died. That is how it should have been. We did not get to see him, be with him, prepare for this loss. And we don't know what to do.
We were all wiped out Wednesday, and everyone at rehearsal on Thursday said they went home and went to bed, barely able to put one foot in front of another. I was so exhausted from Larry, Colin, work, rehearsals. That is a lot of stress for anyone. And each of us is going through this kind of stress, too much, sorrow, loss, time, everything ganging up on us and knocking the wind out of us.
After work on Thursday, I hurried home and took Larry to the lawyers to try and get some paperwork straightened out, and then to the bank that he has an account to try and cash a check. We did not get the check cashed, it was extremely stressful and a lot of time of driving and dealing with difficult things, and it was one more thing to wear me down and I started to feel sick, like flu symptoms sick.
I walked in the door, and there he was. Like so many times before. Larry had obviously gotten into something and was passed out hard on the couch. When I could finally get him to wake up, he made no sense at all. He was like drugged and drunk and mean. I thought, maybe he needs his pills. The Ativan were missing. I asked him where they were. He sneered at me and told me that he had taken them all. Sure enough, I found the empty bottle in his room. I went ballistic. It was more then I could handle. I screamed like a banshee. All the horrible memories from the last few years engulfed me, with the additional fear of what this would do to his cancer and the side effects. How dare he go into my room and go through things. We had agreed that he would stay away from the drugs and let me get them for him. No confusion on what to take when. And then he does this.
Today he was completely out of it. No wonder after all the ativans. I went to work and it was all I could do to attend a meeting and not get sick. I left at noon and drove to the house, put on my Harry Potter flannel Jammie's piled the quilts up on me and lay in bed shivering and trying not to get sick.
Ms Judy came over and helped Larry work on the trailer. She did all the work, he just sort of floated around through the process getting in the way. I laid in bed and tried to sleep.
The highlight of the day was a box from FTD with a dozen roses. I love receiving flowers in a box. It has always been my favorite way to get flowers. These are from Sioux and it is 12 roses in shades of yellow, orange, pink and red and the flowers are gorgeous and in wonderful condition. Truly beautiful and how sweet for Valentine's day to get roses like that. She is so very thoughtful and wonderful. She always has been, and I love her dearly for this.
I finally realized that I had not eaten, so I got up and ate a blueberry yogurt muffin top, toasted crispy and warm on the outside, soft and cakey on the inside. It made me feel better. I drank water, I ate some nuts for the protein. I am keeping it all down, but it is an effort, and I will go to bed now. it is probably a touch of a stomach bug. There are a couple going around. And I am worn down from this week, no wonder I got it. So now, rest, drink plenty of fluids, take the meds, and rest. I am sure that I will feel better in no time. Maybe it is a 24 hour bug.
I was supposed to go give my blood to see if I can take the chemo next week, but I thought I might be running a fever, and there was no way I could drive up there, and I really did not want to go into a cancer treatment center sick. They rescheduled me for Monday. I will be well by then. I will.
Tomorrow Richard is coming up with a duly and will work with Larry to get the trailer down to his house on Long Lake. Larry will love it there. His dog Sami lives with Richard and his wife Colleen. Their house is right on the lake, and Larry loves to sit and drink coffee and watch the fog rise up off the lake. I will be happy to have him there., I will be happy to have my life back. This is just too much stress. I thought I had begun to get over the anger I held against him. But after last night, that anger is back. With a vengeance. But I am in a better place because I recognize what is going on. And when he is gone, I will work on releasing that anger again. Forgive myself for allowing this stress and insanity back in my house, forgive him for his failings. They are his, not mine. He recognizes them, and honestly doesn't give a damn, so why should I. Let him be him, just not at my house.
Sunday they will pull out of here and drive away. Away with the stress and tension, the lying, the drug abuse, the constant anger about his brother. I will go to rehearsal and learn the lights and the sound and I will try and let this go. I will survive the best I can the longer schedule and I will work as a crew on this show. Surrounded by my friends. On the stage that our Colin adored. Playing and thinking of Colin at every laugh, giggle and sweet moment.
And next week, I will do the chemo, and take good care of myself, and do the play, and I will be tired, but I can do this. I need to try. I need to be back in my Opera House. I need Mr. Perkins looking over me. Laughing with Jack and Jan, Judy and Denise, Mary, Pat and Marcy, and our new friends, Victoria, Michelle and Anita. Playing together, working together, bringing joy to others. That will help heal me.