Sittin On A Porch

Sittin On A Porch
Our little back porch

Sunday, February 13, 2011

The Sun will come out

And the sun has come out.  Richard got here yesterday and finished working on the wheels and the trailer where Ms Judy had left off.  He got everything working, and considering it has not been moved in more then 2 years, it pulled out from its spot smoothly and was led from the yard with Richard's dully.  I didn't do much.  I am still dealing with the stomach thing.  I think the fever has broke.  But it is hard to tell for sure.  I went to bed early last night and this morning got up to make coffee and blueberry pancakes only to discover that I had no milk.  My pancakes need milk.  So I gathered the two men up in the Toyota and he ran over to the Huddle House for cold bacon and eggs, half the toast cold, when we got it, and no biscuits.  I don't know why I ever go there.  It is close, and Larry was anxious.  I guess that is why.

Of course he is anxious, he does not have any Ativans.  He took them all.  I did give Richard some of mine and told him to hold on to them until Larry really needed them.  And to make sure that when his next prescription comes in, to hide the Ativan, and not let Larry get anywhere near them.  He was starting to act sort of normal today, but still weepy.  

This was absolutely the most stressful 2 weeks I may have ever had.  Projects are coming do at work, and I am working on them, but it involves meetings, and I am not a good meeting person.  Don't get me wrong I think face to face meetings are very important, it is just hard to know when to start and when to quit.  And therefore they keep going on and on and on.  And with all the obligations outside of work this week, it has been hard to get what needs to get done and in time to get out and get home or wherever I had to be.

Then taking care of a person with brain cancer is a challenge.  I tried to get him out of the house once a day.  I didn't want him to fill like a prisoner.  He did some positive things at the house, but hard to say that they were worth the stress.  He does not sleep at night, so about 3 he would get up and wander around for a while before lying down again and sleeping for an hour and then back up.  He tried, he really did try, but he is who he is, and that is a challenge.  At times he was so charming and sweet and funny and kind.  Others he was difficult, didn't make any sense, and would get more and more confused until he would weep.  

On some levels we still love each other.  It is hard to throw away 25 years, but fortunately each time I started to let my guard down, he would be the out of control Larry and I would come back to my senses.  Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate Larry, and everything he tried to do for me, but between Colin and work and then the ups and downs with Larry and then throw in rehearsal, I am sick and exhausted.

But they pulled out this morning, everything looked under control, and they are gone.  Gone.  I am sitting at home all alone with my kids.  My yard, which I should be planting my potatoes and peas, but that will have to wait.  Not today.  Today I have to do my best to get to rehearsal at 2:30.  I will not make the entire rehearsal, but I will do my best, and try to stay away for everyone else.  And then I will come home and go to bed.  I have to feel better soon.

Tomorrow is work, and then I will go to have my blood taken, and then rehearsal.  We have our dress rehearsal, which is the Altrusia Show on Thursday, and then we open on Friday.

I am so tired and worn out, I can't believe I am even doing this.  But I said I would, and then after this is the Murder Mystery.  I don't know how that is going to work out.  I really don't.  We will take it one day at a time, but I have made commitments and I am going to try and do my best.

And next week is chemo, so really other then the play, there is nothing I have to do.  I will have some work to do at home.  Just stuffing envelopes, I can manage that.

But the sun is shining and really it would be a great day to dig potatoes if I was feeling better.  

I am sure that I will feel better by tomorrow, I feel better today then yesterday and definitely better then the day before.  I feel quite confident that I will have my chemo, and then rest for the rest of the week, except for the show.  


  1. "Except for the show."
    I couldn't do what you do and I am supposedly healthy.
    I feel the ground calling too. I have got to go buy seeds, plants, potatoes. We'll talk this afternoon. Love you, baby.

  2. Hi Kathleen - I assume it's Kathleen - I'm here through Ms Moon.

    It's good to read your story here. Like Ms Moon you write beautifully about matters most of us could scarcely even talk about. I appreciate the way you weave in the realities and strictures of your health with your everyday life. I'm pleased to meet you.