Yesterday I spent the day in bed. The entire day in bed. I dozed and napped and read a little and rested. I feel so much better today. I still need to get more rest but I have until Friday to try and get as much rest as I can so that I can handle this weekend better.
I was told that one of the reasons my friends did not want me to come and set tables was because they want me to rest so that I can do the "big" things. But it is more important for me to be able to do the little things then even the big ones. I know I am like a 2 year old, "let me do it myself" attitude, but one of the things that is most important to me is to be able to take care of myself. To be a part of things, to be useful. I know that my friends only want the best for me. But the best is letting me do, not making me feel welcome that I want to do the small things. That I want to be a part of things. That I want to feel useful and to be helpful. Fixing my own meals, cleaning my own house, taking care of my own kids, being a part of my community, being a useful human being. So, do not use the excuse to tell me what to do because you think you know which activity is more important to me then others. This is my life, and I want to live the big moments, and those everyday little things that we all must do.
So if you want to tell me what to do, fine, but be nice about it, and don't keep pushing if I say I stop. And if you can not live with that, then maybe it is time for you to let me go. Because when I stop doing, then why am I here.
It is as frustrating as people who want to push a fairy tale on me about living forever. I know that the best way to live is to live in the moment. And I am working on that, but for now, one of the best ways for me to live for the moment is to have parameters. Yes, that is opposite of what you are supposed to do. But for me to know that I have a limited time left. And to wake up each morning knowing that I am alive, and that I have another day. And that my days are numbered, I am able to appreciate the day so much better. For some people maybe that would take away from their day, but it gives me one of the things that I have found to be the most important part of what I am going through. Gratefulness. Grateful for those who love me enough to try and tell me what to do, but also love me enough to let me be me. Grateful for a new day, another day, a day full of potential. So knowing that my time is limited helps me to feel grateful. Somehow makes it real, makes each day seem more special, no matter how it is spent, whether sleeping the whole day so that I can do the light board for Steele Magnolias another weekend, or so that I can co-direct the Murder Mystery, or so that I can go to work and feel that I am still a service to the people of the state of Florida.
I hope that when I retire and I do not have to get up and go to work each day and use some of my precious energy just to make 5 hours, that I will be able to do more of the little and big things that I want to do. That I will feel grateful for that added time for myself. To do as I see fit. And if that means setting tables or running light boards, or taking my dad to Europe, or pulling weeds in my garden, then I will be happy and grateful for every day.
I talked to Derrick today, he is home from the hospital and anxious to get back to work. I suggested that after a heart attack, maybe he would want to give himself a little time. He said he will be back on Wednesday. Well after all he has been coming to work for weeks suffering mini heart attacks that were destroying part of his heart, almost a quarter of his heart to be exact. I don't want to be told what to do, so I am being careful to give him my advice, and then let him do what he knows is right for him. I think he would like to take the time off, but does not have any leave. And he is welcome to come back as he knows is best for him.
I also tried to get Larry's truck situation dealt with, but that looks like it is going to be several hundred dollars since no one can find the title, which Larry had last. Sigh.
Then I called the vet and got an appointment for Harry and his cough, and Henry with his swollen foot.
And now I will finish the renewals, I still have a few to get done, and then I can take them into work tomorrow. Then to bed early. To rest, to sleep, to dream, to prepare for another day. I am feeling good and strong, yes, I get tired, but who wouldn't get tired with everything that I do?!?!?!! and it is so worth it all.
I was told that one of the reasons my friends did not want me to come and set tables was because they want me to rest so that I can do the "big" things. But it is more important for me to be able to do the little things then even the big ones. I know I am like a 2 year old, "let me do it myself" attitude, but one of the things that is most important to me is to be able to take care of myself. To be a part of things, to be useful. I know that my friends only want the best for me. But the best is letting me do, not making me feel welcome that I want to do the small things. That I want to be a part of things. That I want to feel useful and to be helpful. Fixing my own meals, cleaning my own house, taking care of my own kids, being a part of my community, being a useful human being. So, do not use the excuse to tell me what to do because you think you know which activity is more important to me then others. This is my life, and I want to live the big moments, and those everyday little things that we all must do.
So if you want to tell me what to do, fine, but be nice about it, and don't keep pushing if I say I stop. And if you can not live with that, then maybe it is time for you to let me go. Because when I stop doing, then why am I here.
It is as frustrating as people who want to push a fairy tale on me about living forever. I know that the best way to live is to live in the moment. And I am working on that, but for now, one of the best ways for me to live for the moment is to have parameters. Yes, that is opposite of what you are supposed to do. But for me to know that I have a limited time left. And to wake up each morning knowing that I am alive, and that I have another day. And that my days are numbered, I am able to appreciate the day so much better. For some people maybe that would take away from their day, but it gives me one of the things that I have found to be the most important part of what I am going through. Gratefulness. Grateful for those who love me enough to try and tell me what to do, but also love me enough to let me be me. Grateful for a new day, another day, a day full of potential. So knowing that my time is limited helps me to feel grateful. Somehow makes it real, makes each day seem more special, no matter how it is spent, whether sleeping the whole day so that I can do the light board for Steele Magnolias another weekend, or so that I can co-direct the Murder Mystery, or so that I can go to work and feel that I am still a service to the people of the state of Florida.
I hope that when I retire and I do not have to get up and go to work each day and use some of my precious energy just to make 5 hours, that I will be able to do more of the little and big things that I want to do. That I will feel grateful for that added time for myself. To do as I see fit. And if that means setting tables or running light boards, or taking my dad to Europe, or pulling weeds in my garden, then I will be happy and grateful for every day.
I talked to Derrick today, he is home from the hospital and anxious to get back to work. I suggested that after a heart attack, maybe he would want to give himself a little time. He said he will be back on Wednesday. Well after all he has been coming to work for weeks suffering mini heart attacks that were destroying part of his heart, almost a quarter of his heart to be exact. I don't want to be told what to do, so I am being careful to give him my advice, and then let him do what he knows is right for him. I think he would like to take the time off, but does not have any leave. And he is welcome to come back as he knows is best for him.
I also tried to get Larry's truck situation dealt with, but that looks like it is going to be several hundred dollars since no one can find the title, which Larry had last. Sigh.
Then I called the vet and got an appointment for Harry and his cough, and Henry with his swollen foot.
And now I will finish the renewals, I still have a few to get done, and then I can take them into work tomorrow. Then to bed early. To rest, to sleep, to dream, to prepare for another day. I am feeling good and strong, yes, I get tired, but who wouldn't get tired with everything that I do?!?!?!! and it is so worth it all.
Exactly! Who wouldn't get tired, doing the things you do?
ReplyDeleteAnd I will remember this post as I have just posted about the perfection of the small, small things and how they are the most important.
One of the things I DO like about growing older is how I am now aware that my days ARE limited, which when you're young, you really can ignore. And that gives each moment so much more importance and meaning.
I love you. You know that.