Sittin On A Porch

Sittin On A Porch
Our little back porch

Friday, February 4, 2011

Another Friday

It is Friday and I am home.  I worked this morning and now I am home waiting until I will drive back into town tonight to pick up my EX-husband, Larry at the airport.  Yes, this time he is really coming.  I know because I have had phone call after phone call today.  Then Larry called from the Charlotte Airport and wanted to know where I was.  I explained, patiently as possible where he was.  Fortunately I have been to the Charlotte Airport so I could prove to him that I really did know where he was.  I said,  "Are there lots of rocking chairs?" "Yes", he responded.  "If you look at the departures and arrivals, somewhere near there it will tell you where you are."  

Ms Denise has graciously volunteered to go with  me to the airport.  I hope she will also help me to bring both of my cars home.  But it is not the most important thing to get accomplished, it would be nice though.

The most important thing I told Larry was to find someone at the airport who could tell him what gate to go to.  Oh Lord, I hope he can do this.  And to think he wanted to come by bus.  I have called Richard and Colleen and let them know he is on his way.  I do hope they can pick him up this weekend.  If not, we will get to have a nice visit for the week while we wait for Richard and Colleen to pick him up.

I have given lots of thoughts to cancer and lungs since finding out about Colin.   I don't mean to be morbid, but what will it be like at the end?  Will I have to struggle to breathe?  My Mother died of a sudden asthma attack.  She spent her last bit on this earth struggling to breathe.  Is that how it goes for us?  I will be lucky.  I will have hospice with me.  I understand Colin's desire for privacy.  Is this because he is struggling for breath?  My biggest concern and obsession with this is because I don't want my friends to see me suffer and struggle.  I will not hide from them or deny their comfort, love and support, but I don't want them to suffer.  I am sure that when this time finally comes hospice will help them not to suffer.

As I say often, I am not looking forward to my death, and yet, it is with me each day like life is.  There is a constant swing up and down balancing life and death with me.  I appreciate everyone's wishes for me to live forever.  But yet I don't.  I have accepted that this little "c" will play a part in my death, just like the hepatitis C is.  I hope to beat the odds and live for as much as maybe 10 years, but I will be happy with whatever I have.  And looking at me and telling me to pretend that everything will be OK, that I will be the one to beat all odds, does not help me to deal with each challenge along this journey.  I suppose there is a one in a billion chance that I could live forever, but I think those odds are actually far greater then I mentioned.  And why would anyone want to live forever?  To everything there is a season.  I like that.  I like to think that I will live for as long as my life is worth living.  And then it will be time to lay down and go on the next journey, if there is one, wherever it may be.  And if there is nothing after death?  That would be fine too, after all I will be dead, I will be part of the nothing.  But I think that energy can not be made or destroyed and I am energy, so I think that I will be part of the energy that exists in all things.  And that would be just fine.  

So, thank you to those of you who understand that the greatest gift I have received from this journey is the acceptance that I may have a little influence on how long I live because I have a good attitude, I rest and try to eat well, that is not the deciding factor.  I let Dr. M fight a battle in my body with corrosive WMDs, that is not enough.  Maybe I could travel the world hunting for a cure, some people choose that option.  I thought I would have been more like that.  Always hoping, never say "die", fight the good fight.  But what I found was that I would rather be me, and hope for the best, but accept the science, and then the rest is up to what?  Some might say God.  Others might say Goddess or gods or luck or me.  That it is up to me to make my own universe and therefore make myself free of cancer.

I would not do that even if I could.  I have found so much more in the life I have right now.  The opportunities that where my life is right this moment gives me.  The opportunity to have no regrets.  To have lived a life full of love and adventure, books and plants and rocks and animals of all kinds and people from all over the world, and maybe even some of them might have been aliens.  If anything is possible...  And I have danced to music in the sunshine and the moonlight and even in the dark.  I have laughed fully and deeply.  I have forgiven myself for many things that I had no reason to hold against myself.  I hold no grudge against anyone, my heart feels sheer joy over so many things.  And even when I mourn I appreciate that I had what I now mourn.

That is what cancer has given me, it has freed me from fear of death.  Oh, I may not feel the way as the time actually comes.  But until then, I have every day to learn how to live life fully and face death openly and willing.  

Things I think about.  Not worry about, think about.  I think about a lot of things, and life an death seems to take up more time.  And today I was able to get by with fewer tears for Colin because I understand.  But I still catch myself thinking of him during all the quiet moments.  Wishing him a safe passage to his next journey.  I do wish I could be there for him.  To whisper sweet murmurs as he rests, to touch his arm and cover it with a blanket.  To fluff his pillows, bring him a glass of water.  To fuss over him.  I know he would not want that, that is my desire, not his.  How will I be when that time comes?  I think I will be more worried about my loved ones that I will be able to let them do what they need to do to comfort and express their love.  And again, I am so grateful for this knowledge and for the people and animal and plants in my life.  Each giving me more then I would have ever asked for.  But that which I need and I am grateful for.  So grateful.


  1. This is really beautiful. I hope that you have much peace and love around you when death comes. I know that I hope that for myself. I am sorry about Colin.

  2. I hope all is well. I'll call tomorrow.

  3. This touched me. I'm glad you're bringing us along on this journey with you.