Sittin On A Porch

Sittin On A Porch
Our little back porch

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Stressed out

Sometimes you know this is not what you want to do, probably should not be involved in.  Sometimes you should put yourself first and take care of yourself.  But then you wouldn't be me. 

It is only Tuesday and I am already so stressed out because of my ex-husband.  He is in Tennessee and in the hospital while they straightened out his medication.  They think they have him ready to be released, but it appears that the only place they have to send him is a shelter.  He does not qualify for a nursing home because he is too ambulatory, but he needs some assistance.  So the hospital has been calling, the psychologist have been calling, his brother has been calling, he has been calling, his friends have been calling.  Oh my goodness, one of the main reasons I got divorced was to get away from the stress, the drama, the insanity.  And now while I am tired and worn out from my own cancer, here he comes.

He will be somehow getting on a bus in Tennessee and driving to Tallahassee.  He is supposed to be here either next Monday or Tuesday.  He will stay here until his friends from Weeki Waki can come and get him and my air stream over the weekend.  I am loaning them the air stream so that Larry can live on the property with Richard and Colleen, but not in their house.  All of his is stressing me out.  Yes, I understand that I should just turn my back on this situation and walk, no run away.  But how do you do that?  How do you turn your back on someone who is in worse shape then you are?  How do you abandon someone to a shelter?  I can't.  It is not who I am.  I am trying my best to keep my participation to a minimum, and yet, do what humans should do for each other.  Make sure that they are some place safe, protected, that they have food and shelter, and friends or family near by to help.  That is all I have to do, but it just feels a little overwhelming.

So he gets here next Monday or Tuesday.  I have chemo on Wednesday.  So he will have to stay in my house while I am at the Moon's.  He will watch the animals while I am gone that night.  Then I will be back on Thursday, but I will need to go to my post treatment. Then hopefully Richard will be here on Saturday and take him away.  

And I am trying to start my retirement paperwork.  Thank goodness for Richard, he is helping me get the phone number to the counselor I need to talk to, to get my questions answered and so I can start the paperwork for my retirement.  Once that is done, then I need to start working my way through the Social Security nightmare to apply for disability.  I hope that will help me with my insurance situation, and maybe provide me with a small amount each month.  I have worked for 40 years paying into Social Security.  Sigh.

Each situation on its own, is not problem, but trying to do all of this and to get the house ready before Thursday when Vicki gets here, and then the next day, Sioux.  that is a lot, especially before chemo and Larry.  

Oh, I am just tired, and whiny and overwhelmed by everything hitting me at once.  I am sure that once Vicki gets here I will be in a much better mood and the stress will melt away when I am in her arms laughing and talking both at the same time.  We only have a few days together, but I will take it.

Tomorrow I will go back to the office, and then I will be off on Thursday and Friday.  I will work on Monday and Tuesday, then chemo on Wednesday, Richard and Colleen will be here for the weekend.  Then the following week, nothing, peace and quiet.  

Sorry for the whiny post, it will be gone tomorrow.  Tomorrow will be better.  I got a lot accomplished at work today, and have some projects to get completed tomorrow, and then Vicki.  And then Sioux.  Life is going to be good.  I am going to enjoy my company.  I am going to enjoy my night with the Moon's next week.  I am going to rest and enjoy my Sunday after all my guests leave on Sunday, filled with happy memories of time spent with dear ones.  

I will be happy to help my ex to get someplace where he can live the rest of his life, safe and protected.

OK, I feel much better, I just had to get it out.  It has just been too much this week, but whining it out here, has helped to get it out, release it to the universe and now, back to taking it day by day.  Well, that and Ativan.  I think I will go read a few pages in my book and then go to sleep.  Tomorrow is another day.  

And each and every night as I lay down to go to sleep, I close my eyes and say thank you.  And I try and think of some of my happiest moments in the day.  I do this every night.  I think it comes from the Bing Crosby song, "Counting my blessings" that he sings in White Christmas, or is it Holiday Inn, or maybe both.  And since I think that thoughts are energy.  And energy can not be created or destroyed, only changes form.  So once I say my thanks, express my gratitude that goes out into the universe as positive energy.  You can call it what you want, but it helps me to sleep, and wake up rested and ready to the good things coming the next morning. It really does help to reduce stress.  Being grateful.  And I have so many things to be grateful.


  1. you are such a good woman.

    you have a lot going on, and it would stress anyone out, and that's without an ex showing up on Tuesday and chemo on Wednesday. but then i remember all the plumbing cleanup you did over Christmas at your dad's and I realize you're kind of a superwoman.

    But superwomen also need a rest. Let those who are coming take care of you as much as you care for them. They want to.

  2. You have just taught me something else.

  3. You have a big heart Kathleen...

  4. There is so much to be grateful for. You are doing what feels right to you, helping another person who is sick and suffering. That is admirable and good. We reach out our hands to others, and I get so much when they grab hold.

  5. Oh Kathleen! I have just caught up on so many posts here (how have I not read since Christmas?) and I am so glad again that you are writing all this down and that you are sharing it with us. You are so tireless in your love and that astounds me and reminds me to be more giving with mine. You have such patience, and that reminds me to be more patient. You are teaching me so much, and I know that that is not your intention but more a side effect of you writing here and I am so grateful for it. For you. I am sorry you are stressed out but I am glad that you wrote about it because so often I think that we tend to gloss over when we feel bad, but that is not real and you are so real. So beautiful. You are so beautiful.

  6. It was White Christmas :)

    I hope today is indeed better.

  7. I would rather go to a shelter - or live under a highway - than stay with my ex, don't know how I'd react if he was sick and wanted to stay with me.
    Good luck with the Social Security disability. I don't think you can even apply until you stop working. Then, as soon as they turn you down the first time - and they will - get a lawyer.

  8. I'm glad that venting helped.

    and you are an amazing truly good to the core person.

  9. K,

    I guess you are never going to call me on that offer to clean for you... so I guess I'm going to have to call you or just stop over? I am really really serious about helping with this kind of stuff. You don't need to be doing it when you aren't feeling well.

    Sorry it is all converging at one time. If I were to see this in a movie, I'd think the makers of said movie were reaching for ways to heap pressure on our fare protagonist!

    I hope it goes smoothly and that something sweet transpires during his stay. Something that will be a good thing to remember.
    Call me!