Sittin On A Porch

Sittin On A Porch
Our little back porch

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Baby its cold outside

The weather guy showed the temperatures around the nation at 8:00 am.  It was colder (20) in Tallahassee then in Chicago, Kansas City or Denver.  That is just bad wrong. I plan to spend today in the house.  It will be beautiful and sunny, but cold.  Maybe at lunch I will sit in the sun on my back deck.  Maybe.  

Thank you all for your comments.  I don't do comments, mostly because I see this as a journal, and to start interacting with everyone is too overwhelming for me, plus I need to be able to write my thoughts without concern of other's reactions.  This is the best way in the world for me to get things off my chest.  To minimize the number of Ativan I need in a week, to have memories of what I am going through, without the pressure of dealing with my pitiful linear memory.  

But I do want to assure those of you who have been so kind and sweet to make comments, that I do read them, and appreciate your time in writing them and your thoughts.  

I would like to assure you, that the doctor and I are doing everything in our power to deal with this cancer.  I do not have low iron.  I have never had low iron in my entire life, and yet I have had to deal with low platelets my entire life.  I have a very high level of iron even as I write this post, so that was a good thought, but not it.  Also I have had Hep C for 30 years.  I have learned over the years how to manage it and honestly other then making me a little tired at times, it has not had a significant impact on what I have wanted to accomplish in my life.  Yes, it is part of the picture now as I am taking the chemo.  It is not the reason for my low platelets, but it definitely takes a toll on my body, so does have it's own impact on how I feel and respond to the WMDs.  After all, these things I am dealing with are affects of the chemo.

The biggest thing I have to deal with honestly, is to understand how to live with the cancer.  It affects your body differently then other diseases, and then when you look at the total picture, with work, stress, regular life activities, other physical problems already existing with a body and then you throw in WMDs.  Well, it is going to takes it own toll.  I do not refer to the chemo as Weapons of Mass Destruction lightly.  These are strong chemicals meant to effect cells.  That is the whole point.  And yes, I am disappointed to hit this wall, but it is part of the journey.  And it comes at a good time.  It comes at a time when I have to throw out a lot of the beliefs I have held about myself and learn to live with a new disease, a new person.  I assure you, if all that was needed was to give me platelets, the doctor would have.  But putting platelets in your body is not the same thing as your body making them.  And that is what is needed here.  I am not bleeding to death, so giving me platelets would be for not.  But I understand completely that we can not also push a lot of chemicals in on my body that will deplete an already low number.  That could cause internal bleeding.  

And as much as I hate to say this, it just might not work.  I mean I have always had the assumption that the chemo would "fix" things.  I know it will not make the cancer go away completely.  But I had hoped that it might delay the damage the cancer is doing to my body so that I could live for another 3 or 5 or 10 years.  That is not a guarantee.  And trust me, if I could eat my way to health, I would.  But that is not enough.  

I admit to eating whatever I want these days.  The same as I thought it out and made the decision to seek local treatment for this disease rather then racing around the world holding out for a complete cure.  I have also looked at my diet, which is mostly fruit and veggies, to stick with my diet.  I have enjoyed eating fried food more then I ever have.  But it is not something I eat everyday, or even every week.  I try and look everyday at what I eat and what I want and what I can eat, and enjoy it.  I decided I would rather enjoy whatever time I have left, then trying to force myself into any kind of strict diet.  I have friends who have faced these type of decisions before and the results are all over the board.  Some of the diets seemed like they may have helped.  Others spent the last of their life  giving up things they enjoyed in an attempt to prolong their lives as long as possible.

And all of this while I was living an amazing life, doing things I wanted to do, going places, meeting people.  Working hard to be good at my work, trying to learn as many things as I could about gardening, theater or whatever the interest du jour.  And I have very few regrets.  And now as I live with this disease, I am not going to beg another hour of life.  I will live for whatever time I have, experience whatever I can during that time, and try and make sure that the people around me know how much I love them, and how very very grateful I am to have them in my life.  

It is just human nature to ask the questions.  To make the suggestions on finding the lost item, or to deal with an illness.  Did you drink tea?  Where did you have it last?  Questions, that really do not help at all.  No, that is wrong.  They do help.  They help show concern, and help the person feel in a situation where there is nothing that they can really do, to feel like they are helping.  So I appreciate your comments because of the concern.  But the disease is not going to go away because I eat spinach or not.  I will not find the lost item because of someones question, but I will know that they are just trying to help.  

But it is now midday, and it is warming a little.  Ms Judy is on her way to do some yarning.  Ms Moon is home with Mr. Moon after a lovely date last night, Geeta is out working in her yard, and I hope to see her for a little visit tomorrow, and well, life is good.


  1. You know what? I think this is beautiful and sensible, all at once.
    Not unlike you, my dear friend.
    Sending love across the county...M

  2. I have a lot of faith in alternative styles of healing, but I also second what Mama said. I have more faith in listening to your own body and answering it's questions with yeses. Every body is different. You could make yourself crazy with what-ifs, and there is no guarantee that what worked for someone else will work for you. Hurrah for doing what you feel is right! Hurrah for living life as much as possible on your own terms!