Anxiety

No surprise, but once again I have not been able to figure out medication.  2:00 am and I am awake sitting straight up in bed, dripping cold sweat, dry heaves having a panic attack.  So I get up and take an Ativan and about an hour later I finally fall back to sleep.  So I am talking to Ms Moon and she says, "why not take the ativan before you go to bed?"  Ok, I had just figured that out, but it does help to have her remind me that they give me the prescriptions for a reason.   So that night I took the Ativan before I went to bed and I slept all the way until 4 and I woke up sitting up in bed with the cold sweat, but no dry heaves.  So last night I took the Ativan and instead of an ibuprophen I took a tramadol.  I still woke up at 4, but that was because nature called me, not the cold sweats.

And I had so much energy this morning getting to sleep an entire night.  I worked a long day for me and got a lot accomplished.  It felt good.  Then I went shopping, I picked up a present here, a couple there, a birthday present here and another one there.  I moved through town with a mission, following a route that circled around leading me back home.   A sandwich from Panera with a gingerbread man.  I felt so festive.  Christmas carols blasting, no pressure, just stick to the list and check off the names one at a time.  I am almost 3/4 done now.  And it is only December 1!!!  Hey that is amazing.  I am an early planner and like most over achievers get things done and early.  But I always bite off more then I can chew, not that I didn't get almost all of it done, but sometimes it would be Christmas eve mailing cards.  Who knows maybe this year I will get things done with less stress.  And not try and do as much.  Enjoy the season more instead of doing.  Be a human being not a human doing as Ziggy used to say.

And tomorrow, just hours away, two of the dearest people in my world will celebrate their birthday.  Not only do I feel so very blessed to have these two people and their lives in my world, but tomorrow I get to go out and have a birthday dinner with them and some of the special people in their lives, and I am one of the people in their lives.  That means so much to me.

My 85 year old Dad fell today.  My oldest brother called and left a message telling me about the fall, but that Dad was ok.  I called Dad and asked him how he was.  He said good and then over the next 45 minutes I found out that he had landed on his butt and it hurt and then he fell back on his elbows, they hurt and well his left leg was giving him so trouble, oh, and his right leg had some twinges too.  Rob had taken him to Urgent care and they took 3 Xrays, and did not see any breaks, but the arthritis is so bad they couldn't be sure.  Amazingly he got an appointment with the Orthopedic doc tomorrow.  

At the end of the phone call Dad said that his girl friend doesn't feel like she has someone whom she can call and talk to any time.  Dad said he had me.  I really appreciated him saying that.  I used to be the one that did a lot for my parents.  That was when I lived less then 2 hours from their home and drove past it everything I was heading home from Tallahassee or Gainesville.  I live more then 4 hours away now.  My job rarely takes me past Dad's and now I live up here.  And now my oldest brother Rob does most of  the taking care of my Dad.  And that is a lot of work.  My youngest brother Tom is also on call and has 2 strong young men to help Dad do things.  They are busy, but as the boys are getting older they can do more for Dad.  And he is getting older and needs the extra help.  I wish I could do more.  I do try and call several times a week.  And I try to have him up here as often as we can work it in our schedules.  

Lessons learned:

Take the pills before I get to the point where I am having panic attacks and cold sweats.

Take note that you feel good today.

Keep checking off the names on the list.  

Find a small way to say I am thinking of you.

Stay inside out of the miserable horrible terrible cold

Did I ever mention that I hate the cold

Wear warm hats

Celebrate how each day the fuzz is more obvious on my head

Quit trying to scrub off the hair coming in my eyebrows.  

It is not dirt, but hair

I am going to have eyebrows again

I have chemo next Monday

I feel good today

I accomplished so much 

but I did not over do it
Tomorrow is a special day

each day is special