Sittin On A Porch

Sittin On A Porch
Our little back porch

Friday, November 21, 2014

Thanksgiving is on its way

I have not been up al night sick for three nights in a row.  I have managed for the most part to sleep through the night.  I have to say that Tuesday scared me.  If I ate I could not keep it in my stomach.  If I did not eat I lost weight and got weaker.  My body was in total control.  No matter what I did worked.  My body revolted at sipping water, laying down, sitting up, walking, eating, thinking of eating, it didn't matter.  I felt out of control of my own body.  I don't like that feeling, never have. 

Bug has been fighting this flu-ish thing, but felt better Tuesday afternoon and drove up to the commissary.  I stayed home, resting, reading, sleeping, simply existing.  Panic was rising in my already nervous stomach.  What was I going to do?  Hospice was here on Tuesday and they could see that I had lost weight and was not doing well.  They took their time and tried hard to find anyway they could to help me get through this stupid stomach bug.  They also offered to bring Thanksgiving dinner to us.  My older brother and his family and I have celebrated Thanksgiving together I think almost since my Mother died.  We had always gone camping on Thanksgiving but as we got married and families got busier traditions changed.  After Mother, Daddy, Rob and I blended our families and friends still retaining the traditional turkey menu.  I appreciate that Rob still makes that drive up here.  This year he had volunteered that instead of the traditional turkey dinner, the important part was being together, not all the stress of buying, thawing and cooking a giant meal.  Bug and I talked about it, and appreciated their offer, but we wanted the turkey.  I mean this is a huge football weekend.  Nothing goes better with a long football weekend than left over turkey.  I do love a good turkey sandwich, with cranberry sauce on top giving you that sweet, salty, savoring, oh, I am drooling.

I thanked the sweet precious ladies from Hospice, but explained family coming, etc.  They reminded me that Hospice is here for the entire family.  They also said that they would deliver the dinner on Tuesday.  How perfect.  Those of you who have known me for so long know I am not good at accepting help.  I always worry about those people who have it harder than I do.  After they left as I wallowed in my misery I thought about how with me denying the assistance I was not just affecting me, but Bug and my family.  I will not be able to sit back and let them do everything.  I will be difficult to deal with, and will wear myself out so much that if I get over this stupid bug thing I will already be weaker and this could really affect me.  I thought about how letting others do for you sometimes is the greater gift you can give back to them.  I know I love to do things for other people, how selfish to only think that I am the giver.  So I called Hospice and told them that I had changed my mind, and how much I appreciated this gift, and what did I have to do.  They said they had the information they needed and a nurse would be delivering the turkeys with some sides and a pie on Tuesday.  Perfect, that gives me time to know what else needs to be added to give us our traditional dishes.  I am humbled by all the gifts I have been given in this life.  Ms Moon and Jessie just went to Apalachicola and Ms Moon brought me back the most beautiful blue crystal earrings from River lily.  They look like fairy earrings.  Like a drop of dew sparkling off a pale blue bell.  Gifts, so many gifts.  I am awed by the kindness of so many people.  I am proud of myself for trying to receive better. 

Bug got home from the commissary Tuesday evening.  He was exhausted, and had not eaten since that morning, same as me.  But where I expended very little energy, he pushed a giant cart overflowing through all the aisles.  Bless his heart he looked as bad as I felt when he finally got home.  I was too weak to make either of us anything to eat, but he heated up soup and made me a bowl of cornflakes with banana.  I have no idea why I wanted to eat that, but it seemed like a simple thing to make and at that point, it really didn't seem to matter what I did, nothing was working.  I have to say that first bite of banana and cornflake tasted like heaven.  I ate slowly, enjoying every bite.  And it stayed down.  It stayed with me.  I nibbled at a digestive biscuit and a few slices of apple.  It all stayed down!!

Wednesday I woke feeling better than I had for over a week.  I got up and ate a healthy breakfast prepared by my honey.  I ate small amounts a couple of times a day.  It was working.  I did not get up and go.  I did not start doing everything.  I kept my bottom in bed or a chair the entire day.  Thursday, I can not say that I felt as well as Wednesday, but the food was staying with me.  I had made it again.  This drama of a life I have is wearing on me.  It is hard to constantly think, ok, this is it.  It is hard to pretend I don't feel that way.  This is my life, and honestly the dramatic scary moments are much fewer than the happy moments.  The moments laughing with a friend, sitting on my honey's lap falling asleep.  Moments like looking outside and seeing the beautiful blue sky, a perfect background for the layers of trees expanding out from the house in all directions. 

I know my friends are tired of hearing me whine, "this is it!", "I don't know how much longer I have".....  I am sorry, that is what my life feels like.  Waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Do I want to die?  No, that is not the question.  The question is more how much longer can I live with this roller coaster ride of joy and despair.  Not despair about dying, but about feeling sick.  I have had to hold my sweetie so many times reminding him that we only have now.  No tears, no anger or frustration.  Let us enjoy this time we have and let us celebrate it.  Easier said by the person who will not be left behind.  I hurt having to remind him that if I need extra attention, call Hospice, not 911.  The despair in his deep brown eyes almost make me want to look away. 

I am sorry for all the complaints of how hard my life is.  It is not.  It is a gift to wake up to my sweetie's face, my dogs joy at seeing me for the first thing in the morning.  To look out over this beautiful land.  I have so much.

So today is Friday, and I am still sticking to my keep your self seated.  I can crochet, I can read.  I can do a couple of things, but the point is, not over do it.  Yes, this is still me.  The queen of too much, yes, and please understand that I am not claiming to be a changed woman.  Monday my fairy god children are coming for almost 24 hours.  Wednesday, my brother and his family will be there for almost four days.  Yes, I understand that this does not seem fair to my friends here who have been very patient about not getting to spend as much time with me that they would like.  But I have thought through what this can do to my health, and all I can say, is as much as I love you all.  I need this time with my fairy god children and my brother and family.  I need all of you also, but this is important enough for me to spend days resting, sleeping, trying to build up.  I know after this I will be worn out, and I will try as best I can to stop and rest again so that I can see those of you that I have not seen lately.  I can not feel guilty because I want to spend time with my family.

Sunday at the Opera House the Flamingo's will be playing.  I would so love to go see them.  But if it wears me out just to have a friend stop by for half an hour, how do I think I can spend a couple hours out in public.  To have taken all this time to rest, only to possibly throw it away by going out to an event.  No, I am going to try and be smart here.  maybe

Less than a week to Thanksgiving, just a weekend away from my kids.  Oh joy, oh happiness, oh wonderful life.


  1. I hope that you have a wonderful time with your relatives. And so glad that you are letting Hospice bring food. It sounds like you are taking good care of yourself by not trying to do but simply to be. I like that.

  2. You are not complaining, you are telling the truth of your story. I am honored to read it. I am glad you are feeling better, and glad hospice is so helpful. I am sending prayers and a hug. ( if you'll take it )

  3. Thinking of you and wishing good thoughts. Dabra

  4. Kathleen: I hope you had a wonderful time visiting with your brother and family on Thanksgiving. I am glad you accepted the help from Hospice for bringing the meal so that you could rest and just focus on feeling well enough to enjoy your family's visit. Please know you are in my prayers and that I think of you all the time. Despite the distance that separates us, you are close at heart. Love and gentle hugs.

  5. Thinking of and yours.

  6. Thinking of You and yours.