It started to cloud up just as we were getting on the Black and Silver Harley. We looked at the weather, no rain in site. We looked at the clouds, fat and graying, we changed clothes quickly, hopped in the toy and rode up. When you have a premonition to do something or not to do something, it doesn't hurt to pay attention. As we rode up I felt a change in me. I don't know, maybe it is what I do every time. Become hopeful. Yes, foolish enough each time I foolishly get hopeful that I will walk in and it will be a totally different reality. I don't even know what I would prefer, but just some good news, hopeful news. I had Bug just drop me off for the lab work and he would come back in an hour or so and join me for the visit with the doctor.
When they drew my blood, I looked at her and said, "Okay, give me so good numbers. I need some good numbers today." She laughed and said she would do her best. Bug got there and we were called back to see Ms Geraldine, Dr. May's nurse. She is no Bobbi and she is no Ashley, but she is loosening up and showing her humor. She is a funny lady. I like her. I admitted that I am having the minor pain, level 1 I would say, in my armpits and ribcage area. Muscle pain? Maybe, I did just come back from dragging a suitcase behind me everywhere. But it doesn't feel like muscles. I haven't said anything before because I am not sure if I really feel it or not. Every once in a while for more than a month there is no doubt that something is uncomfortable. It does seem to be in the same place each time, but it is not something I live with everyday. Really I think most of the discomfort is not knowing what is causing it. But Bug was sitting there and I wanted to be simple and honest. Actually I have been feeling better in many other ways. I have had less stomach issues, less general nausea, generally more energy and drive. I drove myself and Vick past any idea of reason or sense on our 2 week vacation. I have no regrets, but I did flat wear myself out. But............
But.........
My numbers were all improved again!!! Okay, not the cancer marker, it was elevated again now around 220, where 6 months ago it was around 40, but it is a general marker. It is one of those pieces of information that cause you to look for other symptoms, but everything else is good. And because the treatments I have been trying to prepare for will not cure this, only hopefully maybe knock the rogue cancer back down a bit. The Tarceva seems to still be doing a great job holding back most of the original cancer, it is now about how to deal with the rogue ones. So at this point because I am healthy and there are no other physical signs of the cancer like coughing up blood and some other lovely thing to talk about, we are not going to start treatments. Oh yeah!!!! In another 4-6 weeks Dr. May wants me to have another PT scan and see what is going on then. So that means I will have hair for my birthday. I realize what I have and what my prognosis is, but if you can't celebrate something like not having to have sweet nurses stab you in the chest with sharp objects and drain IVs of WMDs into your system, then I do not know what there is to celebrate.
We went to lunch at George and Louie's. Mary, Judy and I used to eat there a lot after my early treatments and visits with the amazing and wonderful Dr. McCuttie Pie. To return again more then a year later and celebrate being well enough to dodge the bullet for another how many weeks seemed pretty remarkable and I was happy to "celebrate" with some mullet and cheese grits.
We came home so I could rest and prepare for heading up to rehearsal to see about getting Dan made up. This will not change my mind about training someone else. I still do not feel that I am healthy enough to be relied on to do 9 shows over 3 weeks. But I can make sure that it is taken care, and taken care of well.
Good news coming after our 6 month anniversary.
I think we might head over to Pensacola Beach later this month.
Why?
It is Bug's birthday later this month.
And because I am going to feel well.
I am going to feel up to going somewhere.
Back to the old normal again.
Back to waiting.
living
but waiting
When they drew my blood, I looked at her and said, "Okay, give me so good numbers. I need some good numbers today." She laughed and said she would do her best. Bug got there and we were called back to see Ms Geraldine, Dr. May's nurse. She is no Bobbi and she is no Ashley, but she is loosening up and showing her humor. She is a funny lady. I like her. I admitted that I am having the minor pain, level 1 I would say, in my armpits and ribcage area. Muscle pain? Maybe, I did just come back from dragging a suitcase behind me everywhere. But it doesn't feel like muscles. I haven't said anything before because I am not sure if I really feel it or not. Every once in a while for more than a month there is no doubt that something is uncomfortable. It does seem to be in the same place each time, but it is not something I live with everyday. Really I think most of the discomfort is not knowing what is causing it. But Bug was sitting there and I wanted to be simple and honest. Actually I have been feeling better in many other ways. I have had less stomach issues, less general nausea, generally more energy and drive. I drove myself and Vick past any idea of reason or sense on our 2 week vacation. I have no regrets, but I did flat wear myself out. But............
But.........
My numbers were all improved again!!! Okay, not the cancer marker, it was elevated again now around 220, where 6 months ago it was around 40, but it is a general marker. It is one of those pieces of information that cause you to look for other symptoms, but everything else is good. And because the treatments I have been trying to prepare for will not cure this, only hopefully maybe knock the rogue cancer back down a bit. The Tarceva seems to still be doing a great job holding back most of the original cancer, it is now about how to deal with the rogue ones. So at this point because I am healthy and there are no other physical signs of the cancer like coughing up blood and some other lovely thing to talk about, we are not going to start treatments. Oh yeah!!!! In another 4-6 weeks Dr. May wants me to have another PT scan and see what is going on then. So that means I will have hair for my birthday. I realize what I have and what my prognosis is, but if you can't celebrate something like not having to have sweet nurses stab you in the chest with sharp objects and drain IVs of WMDs into your system, then I do not know what there is to celebrate.
We went to lunch at George and Louie's. Mary, Judy and I used to eat there a lot after my early treatments and visits with the amazing and wonderful Dr. McCuttie Pie. To return again more then a year later and celebrate being well enough to dodge the bullet for another how many weeks seemed pretty remarkable and I was happy to "celebrate" with some mullet and cheese grits.
We came home so I could rest and prepare for heading up to rehearsal to see about getting Dan made up. This will not change my mind about training someone else. I still do not feel that I am healthy enough to be relied on to do 9 shows over 3 weeks. But I can make sure that it is taken care, and taken care of well.
Good news coming after our 6 month anniversary.
I think we might head over to Pensacola Beach later this month.
Why?
It is Bug's birthday later this month.
And because I am going to feel well.
I am going to feel up to going somewhere.
Back to the old normal again.
Back to waiting.
living
but waiting
I had bookmarked your blog a while b ack and was just cleaning house in Bookmarks and decided to check you out. I am SO glad I did.
ReplyDeleteYou are an inspiration to me. I love your courage and your attitude. I intend to be sending good thoughs your way from now on.
We do not share the same daunting problems........I am 86 and am trying to adjust to losing my vision......I am grateful for each day I have and for every little bit I can see.....can still work a bit on the computer ecause it is backlit so I spend half a day trading in the Stock Market and writing emails and tending my blog and followers.
Come visit me. Love, Lo
htt|p://loisstearns.blogspot.com
It's Always Something
Happy hairy birthday to you!
ReplyDelete