This morning during my 3am musings I had a epiphany. I realized the main reason I am so focused on the end of this disease can be inferred from the Personality Quiz I took for my CPM classes. Maybe it was the Briggs and Stranton, wait, isn't that a lawn mower company? Anyway it was the where it labels you with four categories. I can never two of them, but the two I remember was extrovert versus introvert. I came up 49/51, that actually makes sense to me in that I hate to leave the house but when I do, I enjoy myself.
The other category was how you make decisions. I was a "J". Translated it means I look at the available data, review and then make a decision. If more information comes in, then review and make a new decision. Done. finished. I like that. I am not an "I". This is a person who is more thorough about making a decision. Their biggest success is that when they make a decision it is usually excellent. Their biggest weakness is how long it takes them to make a decision, and sometimes they never do. The strength of the "J" is that we make timely decisions. The biggest weakness, sometimes we rush, or miss important information in our confidence of a decision.
As some one who likes things wrapped up and done, this waiting to die has been hard on that side of me. I realized that last night. Why am I always looking forward to this be over? The only way for it to be over is when I die. I am not rushing to die, I am not giving up, I am holding the other shoe. And now that I realize that this is what the professor was trying to explain about the strengths and weaknesses of a "J". That may seem obvious, but I had never tried to understand myself through these tools. I really think I was more honest then I knew I could be, because it still seems to be able to explain some of my personality quirks. So, big deal, I actually went back and used my education to figure something out. I have not figured out how to stop waiting for the time to drop the other show. But now that I have finally found the "ah ha! moment" maybe I can figure out another way to look at things. maybe.
Actually my 3am musings were peaceful and reflective instead of frustrating and exhausting. Just the fact that I am up at 3, then 3:30, then 4 and sometimes 5 and six. It was different last night. I realized I was awake, but my brain says, "Look at some things I have been trying to get you to understand." I love it when my brain stretches. There are so many times when I can not think of words, I can not remember things or moments. So when my brain actually works it is such a joy.
Yesterday was Bug's and my 6 month wedding anniversary. Did you know that 6 the gift for 6 months is chocolate? Okay, I made that up, but that is what I gave Bug, well, us. I love this time of year when Godiva is switching seasons and all the spring and summer products were on sale 50% or greater, with free shipping. Once, maybe twice a year I am drawn into the Godiva site and order an amazing amount of chocolate for an amazing little money. And Bug and I love good chocolate. He buys a Polish chocolate at the Dollar Tree that is very good. I like a lot of different chocolates. Good chocolate is my favorite kind.
The weather here has been pretty amazing. The temperatures don't have that same heat. It is still in the 90s, but it is more comfortable. The humidity is a big part of that in that it has moderated a bit, but the season has started its process of labor. Up north they are already having frost warnings. Here the green is no longer the frantic green of growth, no, it is hardening off to the deeper green of winter. The trees that will change the color of their leaves are getting ready. You can see the first touch of color on the early trees. Just a few leaves, more like sticking your toes in the water to check out the temperature. Fall is not here, but nature all around me is getting ready. So are people. My, I have never seen so many people rushing into fall this year. I am too much of a summer person to rush into autumn. I am not crazy about winter, so rushing through summer to fall will find me digging my heels in. I love sweaters, in the winter. I love the change of leaves and college football, but not the cold. That is way I have been a Floridian my whole life. Just can't do that cold.
Bug and I have been making the most of the weather. We took another long bike ride on Saturday. We drove over to Toreya State Park, near Bristol. It was a gorgeous day. The sky was that deep blue with a few white clouds. Not fat heavy clouds of rain, just wispy ones. The temperature was perfect for riding and we drove I10 over to Capital Harley which has been sold and will be Tallahassee Harley at the end of the month. They had all the Capital Tshirts 50% off, so we each picked up one. We have more then enough Tshirts, but we like to collect ones from places we actually go. We then took off on the back roads and enjoyed the ride through the mostly open empty country side. The hills became bigger and more bluffs, a sure sign we were getting close to Toreya. The state park is on the Toreya bluff and has a species of tree that does not occur anywhere else in the world. There are 3 other species of the Toreya, but these individual species are located in China, Japan and California. Each rare, each prehistoric and protected. We rode up to the house and then walked up to the breezeway. As you step on to the porch the vista opens up and you can't help but gasp quietly. The land behind the house drops away through thick hardwoods all the way down to the river. Way, way, way down to the river. I hear that in another month the view will be as spectacular as the Blue Ridge with the fall foliage. We may have to try and take another ride over then. We also did not walk any of the trails because of Bug's foot. That was fine with me. We will hike the trails next time.
While we were at Toreya, Amanda and Falcon were there. We did not see them, but they saw us. I wish I had known they were there, I would have loved wrapping my arms around those two precious people. But we were just there to drive through to get any idea of places to go back to when the weather and our bodies are better. Instead we drove on down to the coast and had lunch at Ootzes in Newport. Our favorite bike bar. We had steamed oysters and smoked mullet. Oh yeah!!! and speaking of mullet, this Friday is the September Mullet Fry at the Waukeenah Methodist church. I love their fish fries, fried mullet, backbone and all, grits, baked beans, pickles and home made desserts.
We rode about 200 miles on Saturday and had a wonderful time. Sunday was the garden circle, but I just was not able to make it. Sometimes I just can't be social. Bug tries to get me to go, and I know that some people may blame him for not seeing me anymore. I want to be perfectly clear, that is my choice, not his. Maybe the introvert is taking back over. I was very shy and introverted when I was very little and my Dad worked with me to make me more like him. Outgoing, public, an extrovert. I can do it. I have been "doing" it for 55 years now, but it will never be all of me. Maybe one of the reasons that I married Bug is because I wanted to step out of the hectic world I always make for myself and instead find the quiet and peace in his strong arms. To spend more time at home, safe and protected quietly living behind the closed fence. Maybe I am nesting. That term does keep coming to me. I am still have years, who knows, and I love my sweet precious friends more then I could ever say or show, but it is harder all the time to interact with people.
Sunday Melanie called and asked if I could help with the bald wig and makeup for a character in the Little Shop of Horrors. I said of course, but when I found out she needed me then, the gates came crashing down around me. No. No, I had not been able to go to garden circle because being around people was too hard. Now to go down to my beloved Opera House and do makeup, what joy!!! To interact with people I love? I need more time to prepare. I agreed to go last night. Monday Bug and I took the boat to St. Marks. We had hoped to drop it off at Shields Marina for storage. It is not open on Mondays. Who would have guessed. We didn't. But we put the boat in and the gulf was smooth and the weather perfect and tide was out, and the birds weren't fishing and it did not look like the fish were biting, but the boat ran better then ever with the new prop and we had a wonderful day.
Last night I went and looked at the bald kit. It is nice and I think we will be able to do some good work here. Olivia, Becca and Abby all volunteered to learn how to do the makeup. I think after the play is over I will talk to Mel about doing some makeup classes for MAD Co. We are weak on makeup and I would like to pass on as much as I know and maybe some of these kids will fall in love and we can end up with some new makeup people. There are sound people and light people. There is a new Foley for the stage company, and I would like to pass along the last of my experiences like makeup and clowning. If I am well enough.
Bug and I will leave in a few minutes to go to Thomasville. They will run the blood work. They will look to see if the numbers support treatment. Is it time? Will it work? We will start to know more today. If all is well I should be back up there tomorrow to start my weekly treatments. No illusions. This is not going to fix anything. This is an effort to extend quality, not quantity. I am ready this time. I know what the side effects will be. I know that I might be sick. But I am not convinced of anything, not until we try and then we will see.
I better go get my boots on so we can head out.
Another beautiful day.
Another day of crossroads on life.
My Bug with his big strong arms and sweet eyes will be there with me.
The other category was how you make decisions. I was a "J". Translated it means I look at the available data, review and then make a decision. If more information comes in, then review and make a new decision. Done. finished. I like that. I am not an "I". This is a person who is more thorough about making a decision. Their biggest success is that when they make a decision it is usually excellent. Their biggest weakness is how long it takes them to make a decision, and sometimes they never do. The strength of the "J" is that we make timely decisions. The biggest weakness, sometimes we rush, or miss important information in our confidence of a decision.
As some one who likes things wrapped up and done, this waiting to die has been hard on that side of me. I realized that last night. Why am I always looking forward to this be over? The only way for it to be over is when I die. I am not rushing to die, I am not giving up, I am holding the other shoe. And now that I realize that this is what the professor was trying to explain about the strengths and weaknesses of a "J". That may seem obvious, but I had never tried to understand myself through these tools. I really think I was more honest then I knew I could be, because it still seems to be able to explain some of my personality quirks. So, big deal, I actually went back and used my education to figure something out. I have not figured out how to stop waiting for the time to drop the other show. But now that I have finally found the "ah ha! moment" maybe I can figure out another way to look at things. maybe.
Actually my 3am musings were peaceful and reflective instead of frustrating and exhausting. Just the fact that I am up at 3, then 3:30, then 4 and sometimes 5 and six. It was different last night. I realized I was awake, but my brain says, "Look at some things I have been trying to get you to understand." I love it when my brain stretches. There are so many times when I can not think of words, I can not remember things or moments. So when my brain actually works it is such a joy.
Yesterday was Bug's and my 6 month wedding anniversary. Did you know that 6 the gift for 6 months is chocolate? Okay, I made that up, but that is what I gave Bug, well, us. I love this time of year when Godiva is switching seasons and all the spring and summer products were on sale 50% or greater, with free shipping. Once, maybe twice a year I am drawn into the Godiva site and order an amazing amount of chocolate for an amazing little money. And Bug and I love good chocolate. He buys a Polish chocolate at the Dollar Tree that is very good. I like a lot of different chocolates. Good chocolate is my favorite kind.
The weather here has been pretty amazing. The temperatures don't have that same heat. It is still in the 90s, but it is more comfortable. The humidity is a big part of that in that it has moderated a bit, but the season has started its process of labor. Up north they are already having frost warnings. Here the green is no longer the frantic green of growth, no, it is hardening off to the deeper green of winter. The trees that will change the color of their leaves are getting ready. You can see the first touch of color on the early trees. Just a few leaves, more like sticking your toes in the water to check out the temperature. Fall is not here, but nature all around me is getting ready. So are people. My, I have never seen so many people rushing into fall this year. I am too much of a summer person to rush into autumn. I am not crazy about winter, so rushing through summer to fall will find me digging my heels in. I love sweaters, in the winter. I love the change of leaves and college football, but not the cold. That is way I have been a Floridian my whole life. Just can't do that cold.
Bug and I have been making the most of the weather. We took another long bike ride on Saturday. We drove over to Toreya State Park, near Bristol. It was a gorgeous day. The sky was that deep blue with a few white clouds. Not fat heavy clouds of rain, just wispy ones. The temperature was perfect for riding and we drove I10 over to Capital Harley which has been sold and will be Tallahassee Harley at the end of the month. They had all the Capital Tshirts 50% off, so we each picked up one. We have more then enough Tshirts, but we like to collect ones from places we actually go. We then took off on the back roads and enjoyed the ride through the mostly open empty country side. The hills became bigger and more bluffs, a sure sign we were getting close to Toreya. The state park is on the Toreya bluff and has a species of tree that does not occur anywhere else in the world. There are 3 other species of the Toreya, but these individual species are located in China, Japan and California. Each rare, each prehistoric and protected. We rode up to the house and then walked up to the breezeway. As you step on to the porch the vista opens up and you can't help but gasp quietly. The land behind the house drops away through thick hardwoods all the way down to the river. Way, way, way down to the river. I hear that in another month the view will be as spectacular as the Blue Ridge with the fall foliage. We may have to try and take another ride over then. We also did not walk any of the trails because of Bug's foot. That was fine with me. We will hike the trails next time.
While we were at Toreya, Amanda and Falcon were there. We did not see them, but they saw us. I wish I had known they were there, I would have loved wrapping my arms around those two precious people. But we were just there to drive through to get any idea of places to go back to when the weather and our bodies are better. Instead we drove on down to the coast and had lunch at Ootzes in Newport. Our favorite bike bar. We had steamed oysters and smoked mullet. Oh yeah!!! and speaking of mullet, this Friday is the September Mullet Fry at the Waukeenah Methodist church. I love their fish fries, fried mullet, backbone and all, grits, baked beans, pickles and home made desserts.
We rode about 200 miles on Saturday and had a wonderful time. Sunday was the garden circle, but I just was not able to make it. Sometimes I just can't be social. Bug tries to get me to go, and I know that some people may blame him for not seeing me anymore. I want to be perfectly clear, that is my choice, not his. Maybe the introvert is taking back over. I was very shy and introverted when I was very little and my Dad worked with me to make me more like him. Outgoing, public, an extrovert. I can do it. I have been "doing" it for 55 years now, but it will never be all of me. Maybe one of the reasons that I married Bug is because I wanted to step out of the hectic world I always make for myself and instead find the quiet and peace in his strong arms. To spend more time at home, safe and protected quietly living behind the closed fence. Maybe I am nesting. That term does keep coming to me. I am still have years, who knows, and I love my sweet precious friends more then I could ever say or show, but it is harder all the time to interact with people.
Sunday Melanie called and asked if I could help with the bald wig and makeup for a character in the Little Shop of Horrors. I said of course, but when I found out she needed me then, the gates came crashing down around me. No. No, I had not been able to go to garden circle because being around people was too hard. Now to go down to my beloved Opera House and do makeup, what joy!!! To interact with people I love? I need more time to prepare. I agreed to go last night. Monday Bug and I took the boat to St. Marks. We had hoped to drop it off at Shields Marina for storage. It is not open on Mondays. Who would have guessed. We didn't. But we put the boat in and the gulf was smooth and the weather perfect and tide was out, and the birds weren't fishing and it did not look like the fish were biting, but the boat ran better then ever with the new prop and we had a wonderful day.
Last night I went and looked at the bald kit. It is nice and I think we will be able to do some good work here. Olivia, Becca and Abby all volunteered to learn how to do the makeup. I think after the play is over I will talk to Mel about doing some makeup classes for MAD Co. We are weak on makeup and I would like to pass on as much as I know and maybe some of these kids will fall in love and we can end up with some new makeup people. There are sound people and light people. There is a new Foley for the stage company, and I would like to pass along the last of my experiences like makeup and clowning. If I am well enough.
Bug and I will leave in a few minutes to go to Thomasville. They will run the blood work. They will look to see if the numbers support treatment. Is it time? Will it work? We will start to know more today. If all is well I should be back up there tomorrow to start my weekly treatments. No illusions. This is not going to fix anything. This is an effort to extend quality, not quantity. I am ready this time. I know what the side effects will be. I know that I might be sick. But I am not convinced of anything, not until we try and then we will see.
I better go get my boots on so we can head out.
Another beautiful day.
Another day of crossroads on life.
My Bug with his big strong arms and sweet eyes will be there with me.
One of the most beautiful blog posts I've ever read.
ReplyDeleteI hope all goes well today, sweetie.