This is starting out as such a great year. I have a lot to do, but not so much that I do not still have time to do my yoga or just sit and stare out the door. Napping would be nice, but I am just not a good napper.
As evening drew in, I showered and got ready to head into Tallahassee. I have had a breakout from a combination of face cream I tried this weekend and my meds. Also Ednarose has put a nice little but obvious scratch on my face near my mouth, and just as I was leaving the house she brought her head up under my chin so that I bit my bottom lip and it swelled up and left a cut and a blood blister. Oh yeah. I look good.
There were 5 days a week or two ago that I did not leave the house, and now I am heading into Tallahassee every day. Always shaking it up keeping it fresh, that is me. un-huh.
It was a lovely evening, but still a little cool and the temps were going to drop, so I left the top up and took Hwy 27 into Tallahassee to meet with my precious Rich. Rich with the blue eyes. He has the most beautiful blue eyes. Rich who just gives and gives and I absolutely adore him.
I drove into town and weaved my way to the Indian Heads to meet Rich at his house. I got there and he had not gotten home yet, so I was able to spend some time with Boone. Another one of those people I just adore. We laughed and caught up. It just seems like forever since he and I had time to talk. Boone is so busy with his PhD. He is going from being a student to a Candidate, so a very busy time with school for him right now.
Rich came in shortly and off we drove into the night to a wonderful Thai restaurant. We looked over the menu, just enough choices, but not overwhelming. I choose the pad thai, he chose the red curry. We also had crunchy spring rolls and hot green tea. Then the chef sent out a martini glass with a delicious hot soup of pumpkin and carrot. The food was delicious, the conversation intimate between two friends and the laughter easy. We ordered the custard, but they came back and said they were out. Rich suggested that we get a yogurt and he took me to the yogurt shop on Magnolia and Blairstone. It is in the same shopping plaza as the Publix and Panera, two of my favorite places.
You walk into the yogurt shop it is open, clean and very white. Along one of the walls is self serve yogurts and sorbets. You get a bowl and then help yourself to your favorite flavor or combination of flavors, then on to the toppings. You name, it they have it. Really, name any topping that might be good on yogurt, go ahead. Yep, they have it. They also give you cute little cups and you can taste the flavors to decide which one you want. Rich fixed me a taste cup of pink lemonade sorbet. It was bright, light and delicious. It actually filled me up. But I chose a twistee combination of triple chocolate and white chocolate, then topped the yogurt with coconut and walnuts. Just a small child's portion. Rich laughed as he paid and called me a cheap date. Hey, can't argue with the truth. I can't believe I have never gone there before.
We drove home, fat and sassy. I love getting to spend time with this very dear blue eyed beloved one. He has been working on his home, inside and out, and it looks wonderful. New doors, new paint color, beautiful new lights at the doors, an entertainment center that pulls the living room together and he seems so happy. That makes me very happy. I talked about how happy I am. That honestly, if I step back for a minute and look at my life, I am so happy with how everything is turning out. Okay, maybe I do not have a partner here in my life, but there is someone who makes me smile and he makes me very happy. So there you go, it is not what I have or don't have it is how I think about it. And now that I think about it, I am a very blessed person with a very wonderful and happy life.
Oh yes I am!
I talked to Rich about how I am ready to go. That I am not rushing things, but I am not sure how far I am willing to go to stay alive. It is about quality, not quantity, and having lived for 56 plus years, I feel like I have had a long happy life.
I have no idea what will happen to me when I am gone. I have heard so many thoughts and beliefs of people. I have my own ideas also, but I think that I will be able to come into any one's heart after I leave if they think happy thoughts and sprinkle a little fairy dust. Oh, wait, that is how to fly. hmmmmm.
I don't know if others will be able to feel me when I am gone. My mother is gone, my husband of 22 plus years is gone, my father would be so broken if I go before him, that he will not be able to feel me. He will only feel the lost and emptiness of loosing a child. But will my dearest beloved ones feel me? Will Vicki be able to know I am near her? Will Sioux be able to forgive me that I willingly and with out a fight moved on to the next........ How about my nieces or nephews or brothers or sister in laws? Will my other friends be able to accept my moving on? Will anyone even bother wanting to think about me when I am gone. I don't know, I have so many friends from such varied backgrounds. I will have to try gently to ask some of my friends who have different religions how they believe in this area. It will be an interesting learning experience this year to find out what people believe about the afterlife.
This past year I asked to learn about death. Whoa! All I can say, is be careful what you wish for, because I got a huge dose of learning this past year about death. I wonder what doors I am opening that I did not expect with this new wish to learn about people's beliefs about the other world and contacting each other.
I can tell you this, just like when I retired from the Department, I kept the friends, but I moved on with my life. I feel no need to go to the office and hang around. To go to the various get togethers and make nice. I love the people I worked with, so very much. They were a huge part of my life for well, some for 25 years, and they will always be in my life. But they had to move on when I left, and I also moved on. I went back for William's retirement party. I went back to pick up Phyllis for lunch and to drop off small little Christmas tokens, but other then that, the idea of just dropping by the office or going to an event there, just does not seem right. That is no longer my world.
At this point in this learning experiencing that is how I feel about this life. When it is over, I want to move on. I will always be a part of these dear beloved ones. I will always be in there hearts if they want me to be. With the experiences and love and friendships that we made during this life. But me, the main energy source of me, is not planning on hanging on to this plain, this world, this universe. If there is recognition of self on the other side, then I want to keep learning and growing or whatever you do, wherever you go. I believe that energy is not created or destroyed but simply changes existence. I want to be like a fire and to burn up, changing fuel into energy into heat into dispersing through the universes and dimensions.
I wouldn't mind if when I release my final breath if that was it. Seriously, I have been so busy this life, that the concept of just no longer having a self, a body, an awareness sounds very restful to me. I have not lived this life waiting for the next. I have lived this life as if it is it. And if there is a bonus round, well then I hope I am not too tired to enjoy it. But like a good magician, I am not going to come back and tell y'all the secret. Nope, not knowing what comes next is part of the challenge to grow in this world. How you choose in this world is partly dependent on what you think comes next, and your choices reflect that. When we are young we think we will live forever and we leap off of chairs and tables and counters knowing that our parents will be there to grab us up and keep us from getting hurt. Then we get a little bigger and we get hurt by our actions and we learn that actions have consequences. We learn how to live and what we are willing to accept, consequences wise and it shapes our lives, our personalities, our choices. I would never want to change that or even influence that.
So once I am gone, and no, I only have a vague concept of when that might be, I do not know for sure anymore then anyone else, I will be gone. If we are able to watch over others and still move on with whoever or whatever we become, then of course I will watch over you. Shoot, my friends are just too darn entertaining to leave them. And I love them so very much, but if that means that I have to stay in some place stuck living but not living my life, well, then nope, I am moving on.
Because we are all made up of the stuff of the universe, the same as the stars and the rocks and the trees and water, animals and birds and people, all made of atoms and energy, I will always be a part of you, and you of me. Will I be waiting for you on the other side? Probably not, because it will be up to you and your beliefs on what the other side is. You will find those who can help you best where you go.
I am going to be out with the stars and the space and the black holes and energy.
Maybe I will be fairy dust.
Maybe I will be the energy that burns up the gas and debris behind a comet.
But wherever or whoever I am, you can bet I will be right where I want to be.
And I have no doubt that it will be amazing.