Another reason I have not been writing posts is that I have been communicating with a man who lives in Maryland. He is a Civil Engineer, which as far as I can tell is an architect who builds roads and bridges and other municipal things. I looked up Civil Engineering on Wikipedia and it was all very interesting, but all I got out of it was that one sentence, so what do I know. I do know that this civil engineer is very much like me in that he is half engineer and he is half poet. I am constantly dealing with the scientist half of me versus the "artist" side. So it has been fun communicating with this intelligent man who sends me poetry throughout the day. He is self employed, so he is not on someone else's clock burning their money. He was born in Ireland, but has spent most of his life here in the US and is a US citizen. His Dad was Irish, but also a US citizen and he was in the army, so this man grew up an army brat moving around. Anyway, I have so enjoyed getting to know him and laughing with him about our bipolar minds constantly jumping back and forth between math/science and art. So Wednesday when I drove down to G'ville to meet my older brother and dad for lunch. My older brother was so sweet to volunteer to drive part way with dad to save me from having to drive all the way to Palmetto and back. Anyway, just as we were finishing lunch I got an email from this man, and it opened with the fact that he just been awarded a contract to build an overhang bridge in the Ukraine and that all the travel paperwork had come through and everything was happening so fast, and he was leaving with his daughter for the Ukraine........Thursday. My heart just stopped. I could hear the ripping of my heart as I thought, you have got to be kidding. Why am I always drawn to men who are flying away in a helicopter or leaving in a day to go to the Ukraine? Who knows people who fly out west in helicopters or fly off in airplanes for the Ukraine. The Ukraine!!!! I swear sometimes I just have to wonder if we really create our own universe what the heck am I doing? Why can't I just create a universe with an interesting man that lives near here and doesn't go flying off at the drop of a hat?!?!?! I mean really. I manage to create some of the most awesome friendships in the entire universe. And these friendships last a lifetime. Seriously, I have friends from before kindergarten, from second grade, from college, from 25 years ago, from just 5 short years ago, and yet, all of these people are still in my life and I adore each and everyone of them. I mean my Dad is one of my best friends and here he is at my house, coming to spend time with me. I am a good person, so why am I constantly drawn to men that by their very nature have to fly away? I have no idea. Maybe because honestly, if I had the ability I would be constantly flying off to wonderful places. And then again, the bipolar Kathleen has put down some seriously deep roots and isn't going anywhere. So there you go, I have created a constantly swinging universe from calm, steadfast, loyal and stable to the other extreme where people ask if they can land their helicopters in my yard or fly off to the Ukraine to build bridges. The Ukraine???? I mean really.
Sunday I worked on my little front porch. It is a lovely little porch, 10X10 with a rail and it sits under the pines, maples and oaks in my front yard. On the west side of the porch is one of my earliest gardens. It is filled with hydrangea, hosta, crilliun lilies, agapanthas and confederate jasmine. Old fashioned flowers. I love this little garden, even though it is a bit too much in the sun during the summer, and a bit too much in the shade in the winter, the hydrangeas have done wonderfully same for the lilies and I have placed my first ever garden statue in it. My mother bought me this statue 25 years ago. It is of a young girl with braids sitting It is tall, almost 3 feet maybe, and heavy. It is cement after all. And my Mother and I both saw her at the same time and fell in love with her. Mother had just returned from a trip to Europe where these types of garden sculptures grace so many of the old European gardens and she insisted that I must also have one. This is when I lived on Pine Island and had a subtropical garden. But I put her in a special garden with the few old fashioned flowers that I grew at that time and I have loved her dearly and lugged her with me when I moved here. So there she rests next to the stairs leading up to this sweet little magical porch.
On the east side of the porch it is dark in the winter and not as dark in the summer, but it is always full shade. I have a pedestal with a large ceramic pot on it surrounded by ferns and brightly colored impatients. In the winter it is usually void of any plant material in that it is just too dark. So the bowl, which I will soon shift out from brown to a lovely Tiffany blue one is the only point of color there in the winter. I have moved my lounge chair and table along with another chair that will be changed out when I find the right one, and a chimichanga. Oh, that is not what they are called, it is one of those small Mexican pottery fireplaces. And in the fall when the leaves all around this magical porch change from the deep green of summer to the yellows, reds and oranges of the season and a chill fills the air, I love to sit on that little porch and light up my chimichanga and wrap up in a blanket and just sit for hours and hours.
About 3 years ago we had put up a gazebo on the porch so it had a roof and was screened in. That was lovely for years and that first year we put it up we spent 90% of our time at home sitting in that little room. We even set the TV, so we could sit out there in the cool evenings and open the door and eat dinner while we watched the TV. Sweet silly memories. But the years had worn away the top and the screens had ripped and no matter how I had tried to replace the top, I just never seemed to get the right size. So Sunday while the TV screamed football games out the door at me, I cut and tore and ripped and pulled and banged and cursed and lost screw driver drill bits but finally managed to get the old out, move the rattan furniture that was not happy there out into the barn and brought back my little open porch.
When I first moved here, money was tight. Larry was having major health issues, bleeding ulcers, heart attack and pneumonia..........oh and addictions. We also had a substantial contract pending on our property. And then everything seemed to evaporate. I still had my job up here, but now money was tight and we were considering keeping the house in Bokeelia and my staying here for 7 years and then we could decide, Bokeelia or Monticello. So from 20 acres with huge beautiful log cabins to 2 acres with a single wide in a small neighborhood out in the woods. But I love this place. I love the shade in the front perfect for azaleas and camellias. I love the sun in the pasture to plant an orchid and grow vegetables and flowers. And the little front porch nestled so serenely in the trees. The back porch was hot and in full sun. It was hard keeping plants alive. We did put a shade roof over that porch and it changed everything and during the cooler times of the year it is a wonderful porch to spend time on. It is the spot that Larry also choose to hang out. I always loved the little front porch, a place where a fairy could hop out of a flower or off the branch of a tree and it would just seem natural. There is almost a buzz of peace there. I can't describe how my blood pressure lowers, my heart rate slows, my breathing relaxing into a peaceful rhythm.
And now that porch belongs to the animals and me again:
Monday I talked to a financial Adviser. Yikes, things don't look as great as I had hoped. But I should not be surprised because when I made my plans I was dying of cancer. And now with Dr. M making me so much better, now my money has to last for a much longer time. I am sure that I will work something out. I still haven't talked to my regular Adviser to see what he thinks he can do to assist me, so there is no reason to worry at this point. But I am looking at my life and deciding what is important and what is not.
Monday night was the Opera House Board Meeting. Bill Hatcher was not there having found out on his way home from NC to the Board Meeting that his mother, who is in her 90s had had a heart attack and so he and his sweet wife Violet changed their direction from Monticello to the where his mother is. He made it in time to be there for her last few dying breaths. I know that he will miss her terribly, but I am so glad that he does not have to live with the regret of getting there too late. Bill is part of our Stage Company and a man I have grown to care about. We are different as day and night, and not someone that I would hang out with, well, other then during the production of a play, but as we have gotten to know each other through these plays, a mutual respect has grown and I am glad to have someone like him in a list of friends. I took notes for him at the meeting, then worked the rest of the week to get them typed up. I still need to get the reports scanned and ready to go to mail the minutes and reports out to the rest of the Board. The meeting was fairly short, but it is a very hard working group of people and I appreciate being one of them.
Tuesday brought the Y and rehearsals. I brought a more tropical looking outfit for my part in the play to show the Director. I also picked clothes this time that would be more typical of the 1960s. It was a good rehearsal, and I really like our Director and Stage Manager. I love all the other actors I get to work with, so all in all, this is a lot of fun.
Wednesday I finished cleaning the house and then drove down to G'ville to meet Rob and Dad. We all had lunch together and then Rob transferred Dad's things, including the wheelchair into my car, and off Dad and I headed north while Rob turned his car south. Rob had gotten up before the sun that morning to take his wife, daughter and his wife's best friend to the airport so they could fly to South Korea. So he was in the go-go-go mode. He got to Dad's a little early, packed up all the things Dad had ready in the living room, hustled dad out to the car, got the wheel chair and the handicap parking permit and off they drove to G'ville. Getting there 45 minutes earlier then we had planned to meet. When Dad and I got home and I unpacked the car, there was not suitcase with clothes. Nope, no clothes. Dad had worked hard getting everything packed, and the suitcase sits as I write this still in Dad's bedroom.
So Thursday I looked to see if I had any shirts that might work for him. I stepped out of my airstream, I took that long step down with my arms filled and twisted my right knee again. Dad was moving a little slow that morning, and we needed to get him clothes, so I skipped going to the Y, and instead Dad and I drove into Tallahassee and bought him a couple pair of pants and some shirts and then all the other things you need each day. When I am focused, I am a good shopper. If I am just out shopping, not so great, not so much fun. But if I have a goal, watch out, I can get in and out and get things taken care of.
While we were in Wally World I bought a new computer. Not a big powerful thing, just a student computer. It already has Microsoft office installed, so that was a big plus. My old computer had Vista. This has 7, and I have to tell you it boots up faster then the old system could pull up the logo. It is lighter, brighter, and I am so happy with my new computer
Friday we drove into Tallahassee and picked up Geeta, it was her birthday. The three of us drove through town in the toy with the top down and I was able to get my wig for the play. Again, I knew what I was looking for, so it took less then half an hour and we were on our way again. We had lunch at Hopkins, a local chain restaurant that has delicious food. And for three people with very different eating habits, there was something there for each of us. And the portions are so huge. We all brought home leftovers. After lunch we reluctantly took Geeta home so she could get ready to celebrate her birthday with her family that night. She is so special and such a dear friend.
Dad and I took Friday evening easy, I picked up a mullet dinner for myself from the Waukeenah Methodist Fish Fry. I grilled dad a rib eye steak. I don't know much about cooking meat, but Dad said I did a wonderful job. Then we watched Second Hand Lions, one of my favorite four movies.
Saturday I managed to get a walk in, and a short nap. I am wearing myself out, not sleeping enough, nothing new there. Then last night Dad and I went to the Opera House to meet Pete and Jan for dinner and to watch the Sound of Music. The dinner was wiener schnitzel and noodles, just like in the song, My Favorite Things. Dessert was Apple Strudel. I had the veggie meal. The most interesting part of the dinner was that we sat at an 8 top, and everyone at the table had had cancer. Pete and I of course still have cancer, and one other man, takes a pill each day like I do to keep his cancer controlled. That just seemed so bizarre, until you realize that I was the youngest at the table by 10 years. I guess if you live long enough cancer just may be a part of your life. And when you see all these people with the same disease, and realize that 5 out of 8 have recovered and are in remission, and are survivors. The other three of us are surviving with the cancer. It just seemed so weird to realize how much this disease is a part of our world.
The dinner was sold out and the show packed. There must have been over 200 people in the theater. And with good reason, it is a wonderful production. It is amazing how much talent there is at the Opera House. There was a huge orchestra of talented people, and then all of the actors were wonderful. It is a along production, but a lovely show, and I asked Dad at Intermission if he wanted to leave, and he said no. Jan also asked Pete if he was tired and wanted to leave, and he said no. A good time was had by all.
Then we came home and I opened up the back door to the house and it looked like it had been destroyed. It was mostly superficial. I had put Ednarose in the pasture three times, then we were running late, so I just put her in the house, not in a kennel and she got a hold of the paper towels and shredded the new roll into a million little pieces spread all over the house with a few other things mixed in. It was a mess. But she was safe, and so I just cleaned up after her. But she did not stop there. She felt righteous to yap and ear splitting barks yelled at me, and was just horrible, biting, snapping, barking. I put her outside for 3 time outs, it only slowed her down for a few minutes. I have followed every one's advice from the dog whisperer to friends, and she is just a challenge. She can be so sweet and wonderful, and she can be just horrid. Last night she decided to be horrid.
So I have spoken to my friend in The Ukraine via email and IM and now over the phone. I am so happy to be able to talk to him. To get his poems in the emails, to download the love song videos he sends me. He is so sweet and wonderful and makes me happy. We will get to meet face to face in about a month, and if he is half as good looking as his photos, if he is half as wonderful in person as he has been at a distance, all I can say, is be still my heart. I feel like I am living in a romance novel and I do not want to wake up.
Today Dad and i have been going through catalogs looking for Christmas presents. And now he is laid down for a nap. I think I shall do the same.
Since starting to email this man, I feel less lonely. I feel like someone out there finds me attractive, finds me desirable. He is wonderful and I am happy to wait for him to do what he needs to get done, and then he will be here. I am looking forward to that. I am looking forward to meeting him face to face. To stare into his blue eyes, to listen to his beautiful voice with the Irish lilt. To listen to this intelligent man talk. To fall into his arms and bury myself into his heart. Time will tell, but right now,time is on our side. He understands about my cancer. He is fine with that. He has a daughter who he adores. He is confident in himself and knows what he wants out of life. This is so different from what I have been experiencing and I am enjoying this relationship more then I could ever have imagined.
Happy here in Monticello
Learning about the Ukraine
Feeling good about myself
A wonderful world I am floating in
If this is a dream, don't wake me up
I am happy
I am happy
and a lot of this happiness comes from my romance
I am happy to have my Dad here
I am happy with my life
but I am so happy to be sharing in a small way this wonderful life with this man who is in the Ukraine right now.
And he is more considerate of me
and wanting to learn about me
and make me happy then anyone I can think of in a very long time
a sigh of happiness