I hung one of my bells yesterday, the buoy bell. I have this chain that weighs as much as the bell. Maybe more. I pulled out the big ladder, drug it over to an oak tree that has a limb that would work. I lifted the chain as far up as I could and hung it on the ladder so that when I climbed the 10 feet above it I could pull the chain up to the next level. Then I climbed to almost the top of the ladder and pulled the chain up further. Up to the next to the last step and I could hang on to the tree and lift part of the chain over the branch and adjusted the chain. Then down the ladder and I was able to just lift the bell up to hang. Fortunately Judy and Denise were just pulling up and Denise assisted me to maneuver the bell into place to hang. It is hanging a bit low. But it is hanging. I think if it was up a little higher I think it would catch more wind. So I will pull out the ladder again and try to adjust it. But not today.
Today, I was supposed to go to Lily/Jason/Owen's for an Easter brunch and egg hunt. But I am not having a good day. I have been very moody and weepy. I spent most of yesterday unproductively sitting and crying. I thought that putting my big girl panties on and getting to watch Owen at his first real egg hunt would help, but I am too paralyzed to get dressed and leave the house. I will have to put on some old clothes and head over to the Opera House to paint the set. This evening I will drive into Tally to see Spamalot. Hopefully I will be in a better mood because I am in a dark, sad, depressed mood. Yes, even Pollyanna has a bad day. I finished Thuggee's robe. I have finished the newspaper for the show, and made copies for all handouts I had. I have no reason to be in this mood. But it has been growing over the past couple of days and last night it was particularly bad, and not much better today. I don't want to be in this mood, so I will do whatever I can to make it better. Maybe ice cream. I know that it is OK to be a little sad or depressed. And maybe part of this is what I am holding on to, holding in. I have to write Larry's obit. I have to plan his memorial service. I need to get up and put on big girl panties and deal with this. Make an ending. Have a conclusion to this relationship of 25 years. To put him to rest. And I have a new friend in my life that is somehow without his knowledge or input somehow causing me to drag up a lot of old emotion about this past life. Something about him makes my heart feel things that I have not felt in a long time. Not normal things you feel about someone you do not know well. No, these feelings are feelings that have not be closed from a marriage that is long gone, and literally dead. My brain knows that these emotions are not from this other person, but for whatever reason he is a catalyst that is causing all of this turmoil. So as much as I would like to be friends and even get to know this other person a little better, maybe this is not a healthy thing for me now. I will not deny that I obviously need to deal with these emotions and I am hoping that the memorial service will help. But for today, maybe ice cream or a chocolate bunny will help. I will open my heart and examine all the packages that I have carefully wrapped and hidden away in that closet in my heart. But not today. And as much as I hate giving up a friend, I may have to do that until I am ready to open that closet. I have tried to figure out what this other person has or does or is that brings this out in me, and I can not come up with something substantial enough to really count. So today I will just have to deal with these emotions as best as I can. Slip away to be alone and cry, just sob my eyes out. Each time I do that I feel a little release. I cried through most of the Wizard of Oz last night. I sang and recited along with the movie and smiled and cried. Tears of release. Not specific to anything in particular, but just releasing. And for as long as many of the packages in the closet have been put away I don't even remember what they are or were put away for. But that does not mean that they do not have to be dealt with, they do. And I will someday. someday, not today.