I woke up in a room, mustard colored walls, but with a huge window looking out where the clouds and the trees meet. There were nice people talking to me and I was there for three days and they did get everything to clear and work appropriately again and sent me home to rest up for my next Doctor appointment on Monday. I remember a tiara and wand and purple boa and then getting to sleep in my own bed.
My joints are still sore and my bones and muscles aren't sure about how to hold me up. But with a walker and trying things differently we are getting it done. Bug has worked to a point that his back is completely out. He keeps going, but I wish we could enjoy a little peace and less struggles.
But now as I manage these new drugs the pain is disappearing from my memory and my new memories are learning to live on the other side of chemo.
Funny things, my numbers looked great. I mean everything was improving, but not getting out of bed for weeks on end, not having a movement for 10 days, all the things that are falling apart because of the whole have gone too far. Dr. May understand completely. She gave me the facts, told me all that we know and agreed that for me, it was time. She would have willingly given me another treatment. But I just couldn't. I felt like I was fighting myself when I was not fighting at all, and was getting whopped big time. The body can take what the body can take. Some people heal themselves, others choose to be like a field. The species that adapts the quickest will survive. Unfortunately the species that do not adapt are pushed out. It is how nature balances itself. I am finally letting the balance begin. Understanding that it will take my life.
But now I will have the help and access to care to manage the rest of this journey as peacefully as possible.
I am searching for peace
and I can feel it coming.