Sittin On A Porch

Sittin On A Porch
Our little back porch

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Oh no! Not the sillies not the crazies again!!

Sunday morning.  Cold, freezing cold, Sunday morning.  Go outside and the cold, a dry bright cold surrounds you and squeezes down on you like a python.  Last night as people were leaving the show, the cold blew in so violently swirling papers off the tables and causing people to pull their coats tighter under their chins.  Moaning out with disapproval.  As I ran from the theater to my car, I heard gasps and groans from people as the wind blew them down the sidewalks. 

Inside the theater it was warm.  Warm from the heater, but more from the love and connection of our audience.  The Moon's were all there.  Even May had gotten off from her job, although we missed Matthew.  Jason, Lily and the baby that is almost here were there.  Hank was there, so was Mr. Moon.  Jessie and Vergel were down from North Carolina.  How wonderful for our precious Ms Moon to have the love and adoration of her family. Hank said to me at Intermission that he thought this was the funniest play, that was acutally supposed to be funny his Mom had been in.  We have done some really bad scripts, oh, say, like Killing Mr. Withers it was sort of The Postman always Rings Twice and an Homage to Alfred Hitcock and his work, including the names of like 30 movie and TV titles and a bad Sci-Fi TV show with  the cartoon Rocky and Bullwinkle characters using Russian accidents played by Ms Moon and Herb Rash.  It was hysterical, but that really had nothing, abosuletly nothing with what was funny about it.  We have to rewrite a lot of the muder mysteries we use.  But they give us a place to start and we have some amazing actors in our stage company, and with the smallest gesture, the simple cast of the eyes, a shrug of a shoulder, a terrible Russian accent, and we had some funny shows.  Laugh out loud funny shows.   

But how nerve wracking to have all your family there.  What about sitting in the front table, right under your nose, while you try to recited memorized lines and move and act, and not fall down!?!  Jan had asked me if we should put her family at the table right next to the stage where Ms Moon's office as Harriet is.  I said, "oh no!"  They had been placed at the table next to the set where most of Jon, as Leonard/ Lullabelle and Mary, as Harriet Copeland dialogue together takes place.  It is also where a stage kiss would be if there was one.  I said,"Oh No!"  I called Ms Moon and described the tables, and her quick response was "OH NO!"  So we moved them to what I consider the best seat in the house ,stage center, one table back.  There was plenty of room for Mr. Moon to stretch out his long strong legs.  There was plenty of room around the table for us to spoil them by giving them an extra salad, an extra basket of rolls.  Oh yeah!  We spare no expense to spoil this precious sweet family.  Just part of our extended Stage Company family.  Mr. Moon has worked on sets and has bar tended.  Jessie was in Ladies of the Garden Club with her mother.  It was both of their first shows at the Opera House.  Jessie has also been in other shows, but on the stage as one of the beautiful girls in the show girl costumes, and as one of the workers to make the New Year Eve's Party memorable.

But tonight was George, Jon, Mary and Tila's night.  Judy stage managed, Denise did costumes, props and the main lighting.  Jack and Jan were the Directors and Producers, I handled the spot and the sound effects.  But the five of us did not matter.  All of the wonderful Stage Company family who came to support the play by serving the dinner were there and we could not have done it without their generosity, but it was about the 4 actors.  

I was not feeling well.  Judy was barely hanging on.  Pat was not well enough to come.  I showed Rich how to do my job.  I then told Jack that I was not doing well.  He said, take Rich through the sound effects again.  I did.  He got it right away.  It is a little harder then it appears to get the timing right, and to keep from accidentally having a phone ring at the wrong moment.  And to get the volumes right.  Each sound effect has to be adjusted for the volume.  That is really the most complicated part.  Rich could handle it.  But I managed to hang in there.  I am not sure that maybe I should have gone ahead and let him do it.  It was not that I did that bad.  But there was one errant phone ring.  And I was late on one phone ring, okay, maybe two.  There aren't that many sound effects, so that is a pretty high problem ratio.  

The chemistry of these four people is amazing.  They all look like they really like each other, like they enjoy playing up on that stage together.  They are their characters and they shimmer and sparkle and glow and ham it up, and the audience appreciates it.  Here is a photo, courtesy of George (Grampie Gus) of our cast:
Jon, Mary, George and Tila
Friday's night show's audience was wonderful and they loved the show.  It is funny, it has a man dressing as a woman, for what ever reason that is always funny.  It has bad singing, puns, sarcasm, and a sweet precious happy ending.  I think that is what everyone loves the best.  The chemistry that makes this happy ending believable.  The acting is fun to watch, George steals the show with his laugh, his emotion, how his character is smart, funny and so not George.  And yet, so George.

Last night as so many of us were there together.  Our Rich, Marcy and Fred, Ron, and Carolyn.  Our Stage Company family who get no glory, get no applause, but were there supporting each other, loving each other, laughing and working and coming together like a family at the holidays.  Those not there were thought of and celebrated by our reminiscences.  

So this weekend was a success.  The cast were wonderful.  The audiences entertained and happy, Two shows down, Four more to go.  

Then I can focus on The Fantasticks.  And at the end of the month, Judy and I will have auditions for the murder mystery.  We are working on getting ready for that.  And my body is tired, emotional and erupting.  I have skin eruptions.  Red, sore, oozing eruptions.  On my face, in my nose, around my waist, in areas I choose not to reveal.  They are uncomfortable, and they ooze.  Oh yeah, very unattractive.  I have a a gel for the skin eruptions.  I sure wish there was a gel for my emotional eruptions.  I have the weepies, the needies, the I need a hug.  But I am too much.  Too much emotion, for myself, for those around me.  So my normal reaction once I figure out that I am loosing control of my emotions is to hide.  I need to hide.  

The skin eruptions are better controlled this morning.  Well, they are less painful anyway.  But my eyes and heart are leaking.  And I have this new feeling.  No, it is an old feeling.  It is  a feeling I always push down, shove away.  It is a feeling that something is changing in me  Not for the good.  I feel like I am loosing days.  I feel like the cancer has chiseled away through a few more cells.  I feel like the cancer is starting to get its own way again.  I have no proof of this.  It is just emotions.  just fear.  I am not used to fear.  Maybe I am trying to find an excuse for my behavior  I don't know.  I just know that I feel something that feels peaceful, except that I don't know that any of this is real.  And so I feel crazy at the same time.  I will go see Dr. M this next week, and if there is anything I need to know, he will tell me.  Maybe it  is just because I am tired.

I know that this is when people see a side of me that is hard to deal with.  Hard to manage.  Hard to live with.  I am so much.  So needy, so silly, so emotional.  This has been coming on for a few weeks now.  I have been trying so hard to avoid facing this.  The deep to the bone loneliness, the need to have someone wrap their arms around me and say, it is okay.  You are not too much.  You are not crazy.  You are not an horrible person.  

Oh this cycle of almost normal feeling, feeling good, feeling crazy, acting crazy.  Driving myself and those around me crazy.  The feeling of peace and loving acceptance and joy of what I have in my life all washed out and away from my heart as it leaks out the tired, the emotion, the consequences of a drug that keeps the cancer at bay.  For the time being.  It is times likes this, that I think, I have had enough.  I have had love, I have had adventure, I have had joy and challenges, wonder and magic.  I am ready.  Then I make plans and try to pull myself together.  I know it will pass.  It is a cycle.  I will be happy and strong and independent again.  I will celebrate more joy and love and life.  And then I will sit in this red chair again and weep and smear the gel on the skin eruptions and bend over from the stomach cramps and lay in bed vibrating with anxiety.  Then that will pass too, and I will sleep and I will be strong and the cycle will continue around and around we go. The ride of life, the journey.  The struggle, and the dance. 

Will I still be sitting here alone, well not alone.  I have my animals.  I have my Harry, my precious dear chocolate hairy old man.  He is great to wrap your arms around and push your face into his fur and breath in the smell of dog.  Of Harry.  And I have Bob.  We love each other as much as a dog and a woman a mere girl/woman can.  Each night I lay down in my bed and he lays his head on my shoulder and  we cuddle.  We cuddle as dog and person.  Not a person and person.  He is a dog, but he is mine.  I am his.  And that relationship is so special so tight so life saving.  So loneliness breaking.  My little boy.  My little center of the universe.  Yes, I do a lot of thinking when I am at this part of the cycle.  Appreciating more then normal what I have, missing with deeper emotion what I don't have.  The loneliness more acute.  The love of my animals, my children more special, more precious. 

It is supposed to warm later this week.  I have bought some pansies and petunias and maybe getting out in my yard and planting these will help.  Going to Zumba next Tuesday and moving for an hour.  That will help.  I will also get with Carolyn this week and see if we can plan a day to watch a movie together.  We both want to see Bridesmaids.  It is at redbox, maybe we can find time to watch it together.  To make time to start working on the Murder Mystery with Judy.  To go out to dinner with Denise and Judy.  Maybe have a visit with Other Bob.  Although, he has not known me long enough to want to deal with this insanity.  He is a nice man, but this is a lot for a friend who is passing through the area to have to deal with.  This might be why a virtual boyfriend could work the best.  They have the luxury of the distance to keep from being hit too hard with all the emotion, all the garbage, all the silliness.  And I am so happy to have someone like that in my life but it is not the same as having someone here to wrap their arms around me.  Holding my heart gently so that it doesn't break.  It is my heart.  It is me that is emotional, it is me that is needy.  it is me that is as fragile as a kitten......or newt, depending on how you read the line in the play.

Today is an off day.  Tomorrow I have rehearsal for The Fantasticks  I am excited to join the cast and crew.  To immerse myself in this other little family.  The Fantasticks family.  Where we will come together to dance across the Boards up in the theater.  To maybe do something right.  To feel successful.  To be a part of a group of people coming together, working together.  I have so much trouble these days playing by the rules.  But for right now, right here on this cold day, with Luna curled up on my lap.  With Edna at my feet.  With my bed just steps away where I can take a nap, snuggling down under the blankets, the goose.  Today, I am alone and lonely, and crazy, but I also know it will pass.  Just like the cold, it will pass and the earth will warm, and my heart will calm and my life journey will continue down this crooked road that normally I love.  And I will love it again, and love will fill my heart.  whether with a significant other or my friends or maybe my "kids".  

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