Sittin On A Porch

Sittin On A Porch
Our little back porch

Friday, October 7, 2011

ssshhhhhh, it is quiet

Good Morning,  It is a quiet morning here at Labrun.  The dogs and cats have been fed, the chickens are pacing but I will go out and give them their treats a little later this morning.  It is cool here, in the low 50s, the light, clear and reflective through the trees.  Thoughtful light like it is also taking the time to enjoy this glorious morning.  This quiet, precious morning. 

The dogs are sitting on the little magical porch.  They have enjoyed the porch even more then I have.  It is especially nice for Ednarose who as a puppy loves to be like a big dog and watch the yard, but needs the security of the porch where she can run quickly to safety of the house when she is startled or scared.  Harry loves to sit inside the house, on the carpet and rest his giant head on his front legs as they hang out the front door.  His back and hips, old and sore have a bit of padding from the carpet, but otherwise he can feel the cool breeze on his face, smell all the smells of the front yard, sleep with the reflected light brushing gently across his face now more white then brown.  The cats lounge on the chairs and railing, also drawn to this little magical place.

I sit and write and look out at the world around me.  The light shifts through the trees as my mind wanders from a leaf to a flower, a bird, a butterfly to the Bob and Ednarose wrestling in a spot of sunshine that has warmed the grass in this early dew moist morning.

It has been a good week.  Monday night when I went up to rehearsal a little after 8.  They were only half way through the first act.  It was just one of those rehearsals where nothing was going right.  It took until after 9 until we finally finished up with the Act 1.  The Director called for Act 2 Scene 2.  It is only about 10 pages or so, but it was just one of those nights, and it seemed to take forever to get through those few pages.  It is common at this point in rehearsal to have nights like this.  The set is mostly up so it changes the blocking, and then everyone is trying so hard to be off book, so that causes line and blocking errors.  Everything will work itself out.  When they finally got to my part, I waited at the door, listening for my cue.  I heard it, "Watch out Mr........." and I step onto the set and start my lines, all 3 of them, walk down the steps to deliver my final line and I finish and the Director and Stage Manager both broke out into what sounded like hysterical laughter.  Now I have no funny lines.  I have no prat falls.  I have the least funny part.  So I was a bit confused, until I realized that everyone was joining in.  Then I realized that it was simple release.  Everything had gone so wrong through the night, that when I finally had my time on stage, and did my tiny part right, the relief just burst out.  That may be the biggest laugh I get for the entire show.  But at least for that moment, something was right, and we all needed it at that moment.

Tuesday, Dad and I drove down to Gainesville to meet Rob for lunch at Cracker Barrel.  We had a nice visit and got all of Dad's things transferred from the toy into Rob's car.  Well, almost everything.  We did forget Dad's handicap sign that hangs over his mirror, but I called and Rob turned around at the exit he was just coming up to, so they were back in just minutes.

Wednesday I woke up to find that during the night my glasses had been knocked onto the floor and were now a chewed up puppy toy.  It is hard to get mad at her, when if I had been better about putting them in a place the cat could not knock them on the floor.  I went through my old glasses found a pair that made me sick, but I could see well enough to drive without fear.  So in town I went with my favorite pair that had broke across the nose piece to see if they could simply replace the frames.  It was hard explaining that to the glasses people.  They kept trying to explain to me that I would have to pay for the frames.  I said I realized that, it had been several years since I had bought these glasses.  They didn't understand.  I guess not to many people walk in and want to just replace the frames.  But these were broken beyond repair.  I didn't ask for repair, I didn't ask for any deal.  I just needed to get some glasses.  Finally so nauseous I thought I was going to have to vomit on someones shoes, one of the woman trying to help, grabbed the two pieces disappeared and came back with my lenses in new frames.  She asked me why I wasn't getting an eye exam and new lenses.  I explained about the chemo and how it affects my eye site, but each day I never know how dry my eyes will be, how clear my vision, etc.  So these lenses worked just fine, so until things settled down, I was willing to wait to try and get an eye exam and new lenses.  I walked out being able to see again, without feeling sick.  And I love these glasses.  I had forgotten how much I love them.  Now that I have them back, I am pretty happy, and they are frameless, so will work fine for my part in the play.  I tried to get to bed early, but that was not to be, and then I didn't sleep well. 

Thursday morning I got up at 5am and made 5 dozen biscuits.  I only needed to make 4 dozen, but I had the dough, so I baked them all off.  I got to the Opera House around 7:30 am and started helping to get breakfast out.  I had made arrangements to have someone who knows how to use the coffee maker, she wasn't there.  I don't drink coffee.  And there are going to be almost 100 people there, and I would be willing to bet that almost all of them drink coffee.  And they got there wanting a cup of coffee.  I had given up after trying to call several times to the person who normally uses that machine and made coffee according to the directions on the coffee can.  After the coffee had perked for about 15 minutes, I realized that there were instructions on the coffee pot.  I had only put in about half the coffee.  So I threw in another cup of coffee or so into the top.  The coffee got done, I moved it out to the breakfast buffet, and wouldn't you know it, the coffee was too strong.

I spent the entire morning making coffee, using the percolator for the regular coffee instant for the decaf.  Boiling pots of water, heating the caraffes mixing the powder into the water.  I watched plates and kept them full of food.  I kept the pitchers of juice and water filled.  I ran back and forth between the kitchen until my feet were worn out.  Then I looked around me.  The place was filled with people, mostly woman.  Lots and lots of people.  I turned and headed for the kitchen again.  I think I understand now why my Mother always was a worker, it was to avoid the room full of people. 

As we got closer to lunch, I came in to tell them that we were about 10 minutes until lunch.  We did not have any food plated at that moment.  So about 5 of us plated all of the food as quickly as we could.  A couple of the ladies had done a great job prepping, so it was easy to plate, but it still takes time to plate almost 100 dinners.  And the amount of food was unbelievable.  There was chicken salad, a molded jello salad, canned peaches and a sweet bread.  Maybe zucchini, banana or pineapple nut.  I am not sure exactly what it was, but it was a lovely bread and went well with the salad.  For dessert, a beautiful white sheet cake with lemon filling was served.  It had been decorated with fresh flowers and it was lovely.  Everyone working in the kitchen was on our feet for hours and we worked and worked to try and make everything perfect for the meeting. 

From my perspective running in and out of the kitchen, it seemed that the entire meeting was introducing people.  They must have introduced at least half the people in the room.  The rest of the woman sitting at the tables clustered around the room politely applauded.  Most of the woman gave a report on something or other.  It seemed to be a very successful meeting. 

As soon as we had gotten all the meals out, I went to sit with my group when the president of the Monticello Garden Club came up and gave me drink orders for 2 tables.  I was exhausted.  I was dead on my feet.  I had been up since 5 baking biscuits and had not slowed down yet.  I looked at her and said, I don't do drinks and walked past her and sat down to eat the mound of food on my plate.  I ate what I could, but honestly at that point, I was just too tired to eat.  I picked up my plate, walked into the kitchen put my plate to go and walked out the back kitchen door and drove home.

It is such a foreign world to me to be a part of these type of things.  I remember this world from my Mother when I would be allowed to go with her to help or to be a part of her world with her.  Rooms full of woman.  Some are there to be important.  Others are there because of shared interests and passions, others to belong to a group.  I get a laugh out of those who want to be important.  One lady walked up to me and said, "I don't know you, who are you."  I was born in the south, and all I can say, is how rude is that?!??!!!!  Of course, rising above that and being gracious was not in the cards today.  I was just too tired and had just done too much work for this meeting to be gracious.  And don't get me wrong, there were dozens of woman who had done way more work then I had to get this meeting ready.  It takes a lot of work to put on a District meeting.  Almost all of the work I had done had started at 5 and now at noon, only a few hours, I was tired and in no mood to deal with rudeness.  So I said, "Well, who are you?"  She stood up straight and tall, and she was very tall, and then proceeded to list her titles and importance.  I then said, with a very big smile, "I am Kathleen Osgood, nice to meet you."  She stood there a little uncomfortable because I obviously did not know the proper etiquette.  I did not list my titles.  I have never been comfortable with titles.  I never put up all my degrees and awards and pieces of paper that told everyone about how accomplished I am on my walls in my office.  No, I chose to be respected for my desire and effort to work hard and do my best to be my best.  The woman walked off, leaving me standing there watching her leave.  She was quite impressive.  A bright dress that fit her well.  The hat, the shoes, the bag, she was put together just as someone of her importance should be.  I looked over at the other lady at the check in table and smiled at her.  She looked amused by the goings on.  I looked apologetic and said I was not aware that I was to list titles.  We both giggled a little and then went back to work.  We are workers.  That is where we both obviously want to be.

At one point when I was filling plates, I heard someone from the microphone invite those who had not already been upstairs to see our theater, to feel free to go up.  I finished my job and then walked up the steps and turned on lights so the ladies could see the theater.  I explained the set and gave a very short talk about the history of the theater.  Then I headed back down to the kitchen and to work. 

I came home and I was so tired.  Too tired to write, to read, to do anything but sit in my red chair and stair.  I went to bed about 7:30 and I think I fell asleep almost immediately.

It had been a long and interesting day.  From dealing with someone I have not known very long to a room full of woman celebrating their love of the garden club.  Knowing people, trusting people, having faith, taking chances, believing in someone when your past fears say, "be careful".  Loving the attention and world of a romance novel, but it is obviously not meant for me I guess.  I just can't seem to let go of the real world.  A world filled with good and bad people.  People who want to be important, and people who will take advantage of you.  People who love you deeply and completely, and those who want to, or think they want to, or want you to think they do.  It is complicated world.  It is a beautiful world, and although my fantasy world of love songs and poetry seems to have dissolved into the magic that it appeared in, I have sat here for several hours writing, staring into space, looking at the magic of my little front porch.   Sitting here petting my children, gathering treats for my chickens.  Putting off leaving my little world here and going out into the big world.  I need to run into Tallahassee and get some ingredients for my soap.  I need to get in my toy and drive through this fall sunshine and enlarge my world, just a bit.  I enlarged my world yesterday with the District meeting.  It was an interesting experience, and I was glad to be there with some of my dear friends who shared the table with me, when I was sitting that is. 

I learned that my world will not come to an end when someone I was willing to let go and fall into their arms and share a life with, turns out to be something else. I am not sure that it has completely settled in and I do feel a bit numb.  But I was aware of everything that I put into the relationship.  I am aware of what I lost.  I am aware that some of what I lost will be hard to loose, but reality is, I have been through worst, and somehow, for whatever reason I just don't seem to be able to create a universe with someone in my life to hold and love.  To send love songs to and read love poems together.  I don't know how to meet a man that wants that life with me.  I have had it before.  I have had great love.  So I know what it feels like.  I know that relationship where you can be whole and loved and wooed and cared for, and liked.  Maybe I will find it again who is also a lover, but then again, maybe I won't. 

And I am torn.  Who does not want to have that romance novel love?  Who does not want to trust someone and have that trust returned and rewarded with a deeper relationship.  But I also need my time alone.  So anytime I consider what a universe I could create that would share someone special to me in it, I am not sure how to balance all of my worlds.  Maybe that is why I can't seem to create that universe, or find the right person to fit into it. But I am fine.  And now that the news is over, and the outside world is calling, I am going to get in my toy and head into town.  Tonight, well, I have no plans.  No demands, no requirements, no have to's.  Maybe I will go to bed early.  Maybe I will sit up late reading.  Maybe I will stay up too late watching a movie.  Tomorrow is a work day at the Opera House for the play.  Hopefully my soap supplies will be in today or tomorrow.  If not, then I will have to figure out a different program for the garden club.  I really wanted to make soap with them.  But it takes a bit to get all the supplies. 

Life is like that at times.  Sometimes life is full of love and happiness.  OK, that is how my life is always like.  Full of love and friends and family.  Is there room for more love?  There is always room for more love in this world.  But hopefully my world can slow down a bit after this weekend.  Maybe I can get back on my schedule at the Y.  Get back to my walks.  Maybe I will take one this evening and enjoy the beginning of a beautiful autumn. 
A beautiful life, filled with so much and room for more.


  1. The moon was beautiful last night. Maybe it will appear for you tonight on your walk.

  2. Okay. When that woman said, "I don't know you, who are you?" I would have said, "My name is Jack Shit and obviously no, you do NOT know me."
    This is why I am not in clubs.