And that has been a problem. Not just that I don't have any flattering pictures, but that I have such a negative sense of my body. I am working out at the Y, trying to get my walks in and doing yoga at home. But it does not matter, I look at the mirror and I do not see an attractive woman, instead of I see a skinny woman with cancer. An alien with Borg parts sticking out of my chests. I didn't work to loose this weight and I think sometimes I feel guilty that I am thin. Most everyone else seems to have to work so hard at loosing weight, and I don't. My face looks older as women's faces tend to look when you are very thin. A little healthy fat on a body ads curves, smooth the skin, gives us a healthy woman like body. When I look at my body it looks more like a 12 year old boy then a 55, almost 56 year old woman.
So, I thought, you have a nice camera, try and take some pictures and look at yourself and feel better about yourself. I put on my form fitting dress that I bought in Apalachicola. I tried to strike a sexy pose. There was no one around to give me directions other then Harry, Bob and Ednarose who thought that I would look better if I was holding them, playing with them or feeding them treats. But I managed to get a few photos taken. One of them is my new blog photo. Here are another couple:
OK, looking at them, I am trying to think positive, but of course, I see all the faults. The wrinkles, the age, and yet, I feel better just because I did it. I took some photos of myself, and I think this is really what I look like. We all struggle with aging, I am no different. And I have cancer and maybe as much as I want to act like I openly accept the cancer, it is funny how I don't like any photos of myself since I started getting sick. I still think at times I am mad at my body for doing this to me. How silly is that? My body didn't do anything to me. we are the same entity, my mind and my body. And they have not been working well together for a long time. With the stress I dealt with over the last five plus years, no wonder my immune system didn't notice when a few cells started to get carried away. I am trying to be better about the stress, choosing what I want to do, and trying to keep a perspective of what I might not need to do, no matter how much it feels like I am not doing my obligations.
Baby steps. I took photos of myself. I posted them on this blog. I have put them on my dating page on the evil Internet dating site that I keep leaving and then drawn back to like a beaten dog to its abusive master. OK, maybe not that dramatic. But now that I have added a couple of these photos to my site. The number of people who are "interested" in me has tripled. Adding photos of myself looking self assured, rather then like some one caught the picture when I wasn't looking. You can just look at those photos before and I look sick. I mean, I look like I am carrying my cancer around like a scarlet letter. I think these pictures are just me. All of me But since the cancer is not that big a thing in my life, it only shows in these pictures as a thin woman with short hair. A little older, but self assured enough to take a photo.
So the other day, Barbie offered me another very small part in the play. I am playing the role of Sir Percival Cedric Buckthorn. I need to learn a high brow British Accent. I am having more and more fun with this play as we get closer to the show date. Baby steps towards memorizing lines, remembering blocking, starting to act rather then to play a part. To react to each other, listen. I don't mean to pretend to listen, I mean listen like you do in real life. Talk to them like you would really talk to them. This is the part where the play starts to pull together and moves from a bunch of actors acting on a stage, to a group of people telling a story. Interacting in the world of Fake believe. Where different rules are in place, and are as natural to the audience as they are to us.
If someone is standing further up the stage away from the audience they are not as important as the people down stage in the brighter lights. Anyone standing behind you stage, you can not see them. You can do just about anything in that position because they can not see you. And that is so much fun.
I only needed to do a couple of things with rehearsal like show the Director my boots and rain jacket. She approved of them, and as I was walking down the stairs from the balcony area, my boots are a bit slippery on the bottom, and my feet just came out from under me and I bumped by way down a dozen or more steps. Scared everyone to death. But me. I kept looking at the them trying to remind them that I was a clown, I can take a pretty good fall. I have a bruise on my left arm and a small one on my left hip, but other then that, I am right as rain. They sent me home after that though. I was kind of glad to go home and rest.
And I caught up on a few emails and I messaged some people I have met through this dating site, and finally instead of everyone just ending up to be a scammer, some of these people contacting me are really nice. And each quite unique and different. Before, I seemed to be attracting the same type of person, over and over. No one local has seemed to be particularly interested, but I am gaining courage in this dating world. I actually think that I might be able to meet someone out in the real world now, and not be as weirded out.
Some of the men I have messaged seem so sweet and so hopeful to find the love of their life. I am not comfortable with that for the most part. I tried to believe and have an open and willing heart. I loved the poetry and love songs that one sent. He also sent flowers and candy and a teddy bear. He did everything right, and I allowed myself to believe that someone people can fall in love through words and photos. But then he turned out to be one of the most patient and talented scam artist of the bunch. And when I would not give him my credit card number, I didn't hear from him again. I wasn't surprised.
But last night I was messaging a couple of people and although I am not good at juggling friends or men or human beings in general, these 2 that the time sort of overlapped, were so different. One wants to fall in love now. The other, I am not sure what he is looking for, but he is fun and funny and we video chatted and he said I was attractive, and I felt attractive. I still feel a little better about myself. These people do not live close to me. Some live several states away. But I don't mind. I still don't know what I want, and to get to laugh and joke and do silly video calling. Well, this is all new to me, and I had fun. I pushed beyond my normal self and allowed myself to take a few chances and to laugh and tease and flirt and just have fun. I am not counting on any of this materializing into a real relationship anymore then my adorable helicopter friend landing his ship in my yard and sweeping me away. But he and I are still friends, and I still adore him. There are just some people I meet, over the phone, in person, at a play, at the store, wherever and I just adore them. Ms Moon, my Vicki, Rich, Bob, my helicopter pilot, all of my dear Jezebel friends and the other people in the Stage Company. I just adore each and every one of them. And do many more. How lucky is that to be surrounded by people you absolutely adore!
I had my conference call with the financial people yesterday, and considering that I live for 10 more years, which could be possible, I am going to be OK. Not well off, by any stretch of the imagination, but OK. And well, for having to change my retirement goals twice now in these past many years, first with Larry loosing his mind and the divorce, then the cancer. Well, I am feeling a little more confident that I will not be leaving in my airstream hidden back of one of my friends properties eating eggs and weeds and trying to work as my health slowly deteriorates with this disease. It was a hard phone call to make, and I had to stop a couple of times and take some more ativan to get through the call. It was a bit stressful. But with my sweet precious Camille helping me, we got it all taken care of. She is a saint that woman! Thank you Camille
It looks like rain. I need to get up to the Y so I can do my exercises and yoga class and then get back in time for a dental appointment. I was having to cancel one appointment for an earlier one with a different dentist, that some friends had recommended I use, when the receptionist asked me if I blogged. I said, yes that I did. She seemed a little uncertain as to what to say, but she obviously wanted to say something to me. She asked if I had gone to the Mullet dinner and had (By the way, I am making coconut cup cakes for the birthday I am not planning on celebrating. ) She told me she had enjoyed the blog. That someone had read it and were passing on the link to others at the church so they could read it. I was so flattered.
And I don't want to celebrate this birthday with a party or anything like that. Sioux will be here, maybe Ms Moon will make us pizza and a few of my girlfriends who are in town can have a girl's night out. But just that, a girl's night out. Not a birthday party. Just spending time with my friends and not being forced, by myself to have a great time on this day. The day I was never supposed to be alive to see. Ha! Ha HA!!! Fooled that doctor! I am still here and filling a little sassy this morning. Oh yeah.
hmmmm, maybe I should rename this post, flattery rather then baby steps. There, I fixed it, and now I am going to head up to Thomasville to the Y and then to the dentist and oh, I hope they can find something to take away this pain.
Today I am feeling happy and sort of sexy and confident this morning. Something I haven't felt in well, have I ever really felt that way? Hmmm, I am not sure. But I like the way it feels. Reality will come shortly as I am trying to balance in yoga and may not do as well as I would like. But that is OK, I don't want to become vain, I just want to like all of me. Every single cell and hair follicle, every wrinkle and sagging skin. I have lived and worked hard for them. Now is the time to enjoy them.