I tried to go to work this morning. I thought I could just sit in my office and data enter. But I couldn't focus. I felt trapped and needed to get out. To come back home and sit in my red chair and not worry about emotions. To just let things happen as they are going to. As much as I am better about that, I am still not completely comfortable with this expression of sorrow in public.
I have cried over Colin at work and I have cried because of chemical imbalances, but this sorrow is too close, too intimate. I don't want to share this grief. I want it for myself. I am used to dealing with sorrow when it comes to being with Larry. But there was also great joy at times. One thing for sure there was always a lot of emotion involved in our relationship. So here I sit, trying to talk myself into going outside and pulling weeds, or take a walk, or lay in the pasture. But I just don't want to leave my little chair. My place of security, where I can experience my grief, and hopefully not lose myself. To just let the numbness wash over me.