Sittin On A Porch

Sittin On A Porch
Our little back porch

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Less drama

It is Tuesday and so far no drama.  No heart attacks, no sick pets, no deaths, no racing off to hospice facilities.  Just a normal, quiet week.  Ahhhhhhhhhh.  I really needed this.  

I was going to work later today to watch the phones and try and get some work caught up, but instead I came home right away because they were supposed to deliver my new drug.  It is almost 5 and still no drugs.  So I could have stayed at work, but who knew.  I am sure that they will show up, sooner or later.  OK, later, sooner is gone.

I call Larry every day.  More days then not I just talk to one of the people who works there and they give me an idea of how he is doing.  But this morning I called and they put the phone up to his ear and I was able to say hello to him and just talk for a minute or two.  I don't ask questions, after all he can not talk.  But I try to say things that he can just mew or grunt at.  When the nurse took the phone back she said to me that he really responded to my voice.  

That still totally amazes me that he can love me that much.  The surprise is that he was so willing to give up our relationship for drugs, alcohol and porn.  I realize that these are addictions and considered illness so allegedly you are not supposed to hold this behavior against them, but when you are left behind for things that have no long term reward, it is hard.  It is hard to be rejected for whatever, drugs, alcohol, porn, a real live person, whatever the addiction, it doesn't matter to the one being left, it hurts.  I tried to get him to get help.  He blamed me.  But now that he is off the drugs and alcohol and addicted to drugs that keep him from blowing up or convulsing or being in pain, he has come back to me.  

When we got divorced he didn't want the divorce, I did.  He was running through literally hundreds of thousands of dollars.  Money that I had put away each pay check for our future.  Money that came when we sold our little house on Pine Island.  We had planned on this amazing retirement together.  Travelling, spending time together, not having to worry over money.  I didn't want to get divorced, but he was not "here".  He was in a lost world, he was one of the lost boys.   He was Peter Pan.  The grasshopper, I was the ant.

My job had taken me on the road a lot for 20 years.  I was on the road way more then at home.  And I longed for the days when we would have the time together.  And I had a hard time giving that dream up.  Meanwhile he was high so he had no idea what we were loosing.  And because of his addictions he didn't care.  And after the divorce he would not leave me alone.  He kept coming back here.  I would find him sleeping in the barn, across the street in his truck.  Sometimes I would agree for him to stay here just to not fight, and he had run through all of his money so he had no place to go.  I bought the Airstream to get him off the property, and had it put at Camper's world.  That is only 2 miles from the house, but I was willing to take 2 miles over him sleeping in the barn.

And now all he wants is to be with me.  I am flattered.  I do care for him deeply, but he may not be able to remember everything that has happened in the last 3 - 5 years, but I do.  I have tried to let the past be the past, to forgive, and honestly, I think I have done as well as I could ask of myself.  I could not do all the things for him that I do, if I was still holding on to a grudge, but that does not mean that I do not still have hurt deep down in my heart.  But each time he grins at me, and each time he squeezes my hand, and each time he responds to me, a little bit of that hurt disappears.  And that is exactly how it should be. Maybe love does conquer all.  But I still cry every time I talk to him, everything I think about what he is going through.  I cry when I think of all of our plans.  The most important one to me, was to have someone to grow old with.  To be there for each other when we were old.  To just sit and hold hands, that sweet gentle kiss that people who have spent more years together then apart share.  

But we have what we have now, and I will be going back down to see him again.  Now I know I am doing it as much for myself as for him.  

Shoot, as wonderful as my life has been, it has been messy, beautiful and ugly, filled with love and adventure, tears and smiles, flowers and plants, trees and rocks, animals of all kinds, friends and family.  And my life still over flows with all the blessings and gifts that anyone could ever dream of.  I know of people who have truly amazing lives filled with travel all over the world and money to do whatever they want.  I don't envy them for their wonderful lives.  I have made a life that I am happy in and with, and my blessings overflow for me.  Just having the ability to let my fingers dance across the keys of this computer, and to make this journal of my life at this time.  To get to shed the weight off of my shoulders and chest, allows me to move past each challenge.

I will be stronger.  For the last month or so, I have just felt overwhelmed.  It seems like each week another tragedy or drama swirled around my world sometimes knocking my breath out of me, other times just stressing me.  But I will be stronger.  I have let my heart break open with the loss of Colin, and now as I watch Larry slowly fade away, and I am grateful for the opportunities to feel the pain.  I don't know if it makes the good times happier, I don't think so.  But it has helped me to take the time to enjoy the gifts, the laughter, the love, the good the quiet.

Now back to the play to prepare for auditions.  I am still not sure that I can do this.  That I am strong enough to take on this much of a responsibility.  Not that I have to do it alone.  Judy and I are doing this together, but I want to hold up my part.  I know that the rest of the Stage Company will support us.  We are a very supportive group.  And I will appreciate this time and know that not long after the play is done, I will be retiring.  And then I can rest for a few weeks before Dad and I take off on our trip.  We are hoping to leave around the 16th of June.  I am anxious about the trip, about the money, about how is dad going to be able to do this.  But he seems to think he can.  So if he thinks he can, then I will help make sure that it happens.  And for now, enjoy the quiet.


  1. Here's what I know- I will never, ever tell you how to live your life or what you can or cannot do, much less what you should or should not do. The dance you do on this earth is yours and yours alone, just as we all have our own dance.
    Your dance looks like prayer to me, constant, devoted, shining prayer, like a dogwood sending its blossoms out to the blue sky in its own prayer.
    Yeah. Like that.

  2. It is sad that people don't realize what they are losing when the very loss is so evident. Those with addictions live on the spur of the moment--no thoughts about the other person, just their own selfishness. It is truly sad but in the end better to be away from someone who does not respect themselves or others.