I feel Good!

I feel good!! Just like I knew that I would! Yes, that is a commercial for some kind of thing that helps you to move. And I have to say that it is finally starting to work and I feel like a new woman. I remember seeing all these advertisements in woman’s magazine going back to the 1800s and on through the 1950s and 60s. I mean sexual revolution, woman’s rights, shoot, nothing if you are not moving folks. Maybe instead of giving all those woman in the 50s and 60s laxatives instead of valium and alcohol our world would be a very different place.


And I feel normal. I don’t feel like someone with cancer. I don’t look like someone with cancer. I am dancing around and I can think clearer and all in all I am extremely maniac and hyper today, but in a happy way. A totally talking so fast only dogs can hear me, smiling and dancing, jumping around maniac.  Yep, Happy Tuesday!

And when I went out this morning to give my chickens and rabbits their treats I see that peep number 4 has hatched. I am a little worried about this little golden bundle of fuzz because both of its mothers are busy on the ground taking care of it’s three other siblings. But it looks strong and healthy and hopefully tonight when I get home it will be doing well and maybe strong enough to be on the ground with the rest of the family. Two mamas. That is the secret to success. I have had peeps before, but only one mama trying to raise her babies right and keep the other chickens from killing her babies. But with two mamas and one being Zora Neal, the queen chicken, no one is messing with these little ones. In fact Zora Neal and Bea Arthur have the largest half of the coop all to themselves. And now with only one rooster there is a lot less need to kill. When I saw how Peggy and Sue were treating the last peeps that Bea tried to raise I started wondering if they might have been roosters. And now they are meat. Tasty meat. Oh how far I have come.

But what made me laugh out loud, that kind of I have lost total control here laugh out loud was when I saw two new baby bunnies, all white with red eyes appear out of the magic bunny hole. And I have to say that I am seeing an alarming number of baby bunnies everywhere. Mostly they are brown and white and black spotted, that is why the white bunnies made me laugh. I felt like I am in a magic show, or maybe a Rocky and Bullwinkle show where Bullwinkle keeps trying to pull the white rabbit out of the hat but instead always seems to pull out a lion or a rhinocerous. Brown bunnies almost seem normal. White bunnies means things are now completely and utterly out of hand.

The bunnies come and go as they choose, they eat as they choose, they are the masters of their own fate. This is not good. This is not what a normal clear thinking person wants to unleash. I mean didn’t something like this destroy a continent or something? I think I need to get live traps. I think I need to do something. But how do you stop bunnies? And I am not asking any of these questions with the intent of doing anything. Really, I am just at the point of realizing that I have completely lost all control over any reality what so ever and with my mind where it is these days, I just want to sit down and go ohmmmmmmm. I am way more responsible then this. I am way too neurotic for this. And yet as I have given over my fear and anxiety to the universe, nothing seems to be in my control, and I am fine with that. Me. Ms OCD. Ms I have been a manager my whole life. The organizer, the doer, the get out there and take charge kind of person. And right now, I am not that person. And I like it. I like not having to be in charge of everything. But everyone keeps coming up and asking me in charge kind of questions. Well here at work that makes sense, but I mean in all aspects of my life. People are saying to me, what can I do for you. Please call and ask for assistance, please let me do for you. And I can’t. It is not that I don’t want the help. That I don’t appreciate the true and loving desire to be kind to me. But folks I am trying to take a journey with cancer. The doctors decide what I need, when I need it and how much, how long and well, everything about that. I just show up and they do everything. And then I am in charge of eating, sleeping, and at this point keeping my house from being condemned by the health department. It is my job to show up when and where I should be, and to enjoy this very moment. I am liking this. Now that there is the big scary thing looming out of my control, out of my reach, I am learning to not worry. To replace guilt with happy thoughts. It is Happy Tuesday. So if you want to do something, just go ahead and do it.  Just call and say hello and if I need something at that moment I will ask.  But right now asking is so appreciated, and I am not in charge.  I am not setting up schedules or in anyway taking control or scheduling anything for anyone else.  The simple act of telling me that you will be there for me, so far is everything that you need to do.  So if it is not too rude can I ask everyone to stop asking?  I mean it is very stressful and I know that is not the intent, but it is.  So I am just going to take each day, whether happy super maniac Tuesday or menacholy Monday, I am just going to enoy which ever trip I wake up on.  And if you want to play that day, then come on over.  Otherwise, no need to ask if there is anything you can do.  Because I don't know.  And wow!  Just not feeling guilty that I am letting everyone down by not orgazining this vast army of beloved people into fulfulling my every need is so freeing.  So if you want to do something for me. Go ahead and maybe someone will set up a calender system like Michelle suggested and will manage the assistance. Or not. I don’t know or care. At this point what I need is to not have to be in charge of anyone or anything, but myself.

And yes, I am sure that I sound quite maniac at the moment. But it sure beats the melancholy I was in yesterday. I was quiet, turning more in. But today, I want to kick up my heals and dance. And I realize that as unnerving and confusing this is for the people around me, sorry about that. But I am not going to fight it. That is it. I am not fighting sleep. I used to drive myself insane if I didn’t get enough sleep, if I didn’t eat so many vegetable serving a day, and my diet is basically fruits and veggies!  That I was not balancing my amino acids, carbs versus protein, was I drinking my 8 – 8 ounces of water everyday. I still hope that I am coming close on those things, but I am not worrying about them. If I feel sad, I am going to not fight it and be sad. If I am happy I want to dance and sing and enjoy it. If I am tired I want to lay down and sleep. If I am not tired then I will not worry about it and when my body and mind are both ready at the same time it will happen. And if Bob wants to ride in the car, then what is wrong with that? Yep, this more relaxed, happy, maniac day is just what I needed. A good movement, a fair balance on the meds and I am a happy camper. And I am going with it! Wow! I feel good!