Comments

One of my concerns when I thought about journaling in a blog and putting it out there would be dealing with the comments.  I have watched as Ms Moon who loves to respond to each comment struggle to find the time to respond.  And I love the dialog and how even though the blogging community is spread across the world it is so supportive and loving.  And the word community is accurate in so many ways.  I have read about births and deaths, love and anger, extraordinary events and everyday events.  Through Ms Moon's generosity by introducing us, many of you have spent some time on my porch and have been so wise and kind and generous and giving and have told me stories, referred me to other websites and have made me feel so welcome to this world that y'all are building together.  And not all of the comments are left on my porch, some have called or emailed me, but I have received nothing but kindness, love and support.  I am humbled to think that so many of you actually come by and sit down on my porch and leave so many wonderful gifts for me.  I am grateful beyond words.

And yet, I am not able to respond to each comment  I feel a little intimidated answering your comments, partially I guess because I write this journal as a record for myself.  A way to literally take all the emotions I am feeling and get them off my chest (small joke there about the cancer on my 2nd rib next to my sternum) because cancer for me is literally a pain in my neck (ok, another small joke about the cancer on my C6 vertebrate in my neck), so when I see the comments, it just takes me back a little and then I read them and feel so humbled.  


Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!  


And some people have suggested that I should check out blogging or linking to the blogs written by other cancer patients and survivors.  Hmmmm, I don't think I am emotionally ready to join that club.  Right now, I am still me.  I feel so accepted and beloved by my friends, the generosity is overwhelming.  But I feel normal, I just have cancer.  Would I feel sick if I read about people that have been dealing with this disease for years, or what about people who know they aren't go to see their grandchild born or their next birthday.  What about people who are angry or ask, "Why me?"  I don't even know the correct terminology of this new world I find myself in, and I am not sure that I want to.  I am an overachiever, and how does that fit with cancer.  I am not competitive with anyone but myself, are their people who are competitive about their cancer?  That just sounded mean.  I didn't mean for it to.  But I am finding out how self focused and centered I am.  I just don't think I am ready yet to go the cancer blogs yet.  I don't want to be the new kid on the block.  I don't want to be like everyone else.  I want to be special.  I don't mind having cancer as much as I mind that I have already lost so much of my self already with this disease, I don't know what else I could loose, but somehow if I become another person with cancer, who will I be?  I no longer have the desire to do so many things I love.  I don't garden or read or want to do things.  Right now all i want to do is nothing.  I don't want to do anything.

No, that is not accurate, but it does feel that way at times.  


The last time I blogged I was suffering.  Oh, that sounds so melodramatic.  I was in a lot of pain.  That distracting kind of all encompassing pain.  But my new best friend, my oncologist, gave me steroids and a painkiller and it took the pain away immediately, completely and no nausea.  A little shaky inside and out, kind of speedy, which I don't like.  But not sick and NO PAIN!!!! Wohoo.  I almost feel like me again.  That normal person who just happens to have cancer.  Not just any cancer, oh no, I am special in that I have metathesized cancer on my lung, pleural lining and bones. But who knows where it is hiding, and what is the next spot that it will pop up on?  Now that I am pain free, that doesn't sound overwhelming anymore, it is what it is.


And I feel like one minute I want to be normal, the next special, then worthless but then I pick up Ms Moon and we meet our friend Marcy at this film directors and we audition for a movie.  I mean I just feel like I am completely inconsistent.  Adjusted, ready to deal with the adventure, the next minute ready to crawl under the covers.  So appreciative of everything of all the gifts and generosity of my beloved ones.  And then I feel imposing, not larger then life imposing, no, taking advantage kind of imposing.  


When I walk into Ms Moon's home and have to tell her more bad news, and she holds back the tears, for me.  She is strong for me.  And then I call Vicki and talk to her and she is honest and funny and tries so hard to be strong for me.  But I know she cries over this.  And bless her daughter Sam's heart.  She reads my bog everyday to her Mother.  And when I wrote the blog about the cancer having metathesized to my lungs, Sam couldn't wait to get a hold of her Mother to help her buy plane tickets down to be here for me.  Vicki will be here August 20- 30th.  Ten whole days


And Susan, my friend from college, GO GATORS!  calls and asks when can I come and help, and she sent me a book by Queen Latifah, Put onYour Crown because the first chapter, Success, has the quote "You area braver than you believe, stronger then you seem, and smarter than you think." - Winnie-the-pooh.  I love Winnie the Pooh.  When I got married the first time Susan bought me a Winnie the Pooh cook book.  I have it today.  Someday, when Annie, Susan's daughter might get married, and I will give her the book.  And Susan calls Linda, the third member of our little college group that I still love and they talk and the circle is complete again.  


And all of my dear friends here put up with the mood swings and the irritability that just pops up.  Usually when they are most worried about me.  I think because they want me to be well, to be happy, and I feel like I am imposing. And I guess that is why I succumb to the irritability.  And I am not usually like that.  See, changes, pieces of me missing and other parts new, that I hope will go away.


But since this was about comments, and I think that all of this has been about comments and how they have affected me.  And I hope that I am not making a huge fau pax but saying that I appreciate your comments, the gift of your time, of your kindness, of your knowledge and experience, and I don't think that I can respond to those comments.  If I am, I am sorry, but know that even though I don't tell you each time, I truly appreciate what you give me back.  That you show me each day, whether in a comment to this journal, or for the call, or the email, or for the visit, of just the positive thoughts.  And again, thank you.  I feel so nurtured and loved and protected and pampered and cared for.  And this is what I want to do for others, but now it is my turn to learn this from you.  Be patient with me, maybe I will learn to be better.  I want to, but there are so many learning lessons coming at me so fast.  And I am trying, and all of you are helping in so many ways.
Thank you.