The reality is that I am getting used to my feet. They still feel like hornets are stinging them and Dr. May suggested that maybe taking a multi B vitamin might help. That made me laugh, "B" vitamin for "hornets". Okay, I had to explain it a couple of times to the ladies in the lab. They are not entomologist, why would they relate bees and hornets.
I do try and keep my legs up as much as possible. It does make a difference with the swelling and bruising. I still do too much. Why do I even say it? Like anyone who knows me knows I always throw myself into everything I do.
I did not get a second treatment last Tuesday. My numbers were close, but because this is an on going process knocking me down to soon will only back fire on us. Tuesday was a strange day altogether. My port would not work that morning when I went in for my labs. The thermometer didn't work right. I guess I wasn't supposed to be there. Hopefully things will work better tomorrow. Tomorrow I have my second bone treatment. We are also going to do my labs in hopes that I will be able to tolerate a second treatment. I whined that now that I have committed to this treatment and have to live with the side effects, I don't want to stop now. I tried whining for about a minute listing my side effects, those on the list, and those I seemed to have made up all on my own, but I grew tired. I am just not very good with whining for long. She laughed at my pitiful attempt and assured me that she was going to do everything she could, including cutting the dosage again. So I am hopeful today. Hopeful that I will again be ready to have them inject more WMDs into my port.
Maybe one of the many things that attracted me to my husband is that he is a warrior. I am a hippie. I am pretty inept at waging war and battles, inside or our. I am a searcher of peace. A child of Mother Nature. A gardener. A mother of labs, cats, chickens, duck and fish. I can sit for hours watching a bright green half inch long praying mantis. I collect beautiful bugs and put them in boxes. Someday people are going to find boxes of every make and kind, each with a variety of insects or plant seed, bits of rocks or petal, feather or cocoon. I read books of history, or war fare and times when families and tribes and emerging nations murdered and assimilated local innocents. Again, all I can say is that as this war rages inside me, it also fills my mind and imagination. I can not say I understand war any better. I think maybe I can better understand how people respond to war. Maybe I understand a little better why I am doing this rather then taking the perfectly acceptable way of saying no more treatments.
My husband tries so hard to take care of me and protect me. He still sees me capable of leaving the house and riding one of those little carts around and buy presents of plants and books. To help him to pick up food and wine and a foot brush. I need a new foot brush. We tried Friday. He drove me to the Home Depot. I was nervous, anxious and filled with pain and dread. But I looked into the love in his eyes and realized that he would be right there for me. It was not enough. Just riding the cart through the big box store was not fun. Usually getting to ride in a little cart should be fun. I was not comfortable. I just wanted to jump up and walk. But I knew I could not make it from one end of the store to the other, even if we started more than half way down. I looked at plants from an angle that was unfamiliar to me. I looked at other plants and thought what can I do with them? I can not get outside and plant anything. I started to cry and then as fast as that silly cart would take me back to the car. My confused and concerned husband running behind me. He had no clue what was going on. Neither did I. He took me home. I laid in the dark of my closest. No light, no sounds, not stimuli. I was completely overwhelmed.
Before I went off the deep end I had let Bug talk me into inviting the Moons over for dinner the next evening. I know he is used to a much more social life, and now with me never wanting to leave the property. But more than that he knows that I miss my loved ones. I feel so cut off. All my own doing, but it is hard to even spend more than an hour sitting and relaxing in the Florida room with the cats and dogs. All of their love, gifts and needs flood over me and I need to go into a quiet room away from it. The pain is controlled, barely. I have to get up in the night and take an oxy to be able to make it through the night. That is three a day now. The pain in my back is between my liver and right kidney, closer to my vertebrates. I have noticed that I do not always feel the pain where it actually is located. I am starting to get used to it and get up quicker at night to take eat a snack and take a pill. No need to come full awake with the pain. It only takes longer to stop hurting and fall back asleep.
The Moons so sweetly immediately agreed to dinner, but only if Mary made it. That stopped me cold, and in my dark little closet I cried. I cried for having such a loving husband, who tries so hard to keep me alive. I mean full of life. And to have these precious beloved ones also in my life. I agreed and held on to the hope of having these dear friends come to our new home and bring one of Ms Moon's delicious and healthy meals.
That morning Carolyn had come by for a short visit and brought blueberry scones from Tupelo's. Later that evening would be the full moon meditation and vegetarian cover dish at my precious Geeta. I have not seen her since May, and I have not seen Ba since she came home. I have talked to few on the phone, and any one I see, comes here. I have been difficult. I know I have, my nerves are all alive and on edge and it is exhausting surviving this, let alone to relax and be pleasant. I am trying to find balance, peace, and even if it is only in getting used to the pain and discomfort, I will take it.
I tried not to do too much during the day. I was excited at the thought of the hugs when they first drove up. Then to sit out in a screened area or upstairs weather determined. To smell the food as it came up the stairs, my mouth watering. To sit and talk with dear friends and be normal. Of course I did too much, but I took my drugs and took time before they were to come just sitting quietly alone, calming my nerves, trying to minimize the amount of adrenalen released by this flight or fight waging inside of me.
The day was still bright and lovely. Ms Moon was beautiful, her long thick hair braided and free. She was tanned and looked like the goddess she visits in Cozumel. They may be the same person. maybe. Mr. Moon wore a fishing shirt I bought him. I loved it, Bug was skeptical, and it I appreciated Mr. Moon's gesture. The hugs so sweet, and real. I realize I have started hiding my hugs. When the back pain first started I must have tried to suppress it only tying up the pain. I realize I have not been spending as much time in my honey's arms. Where I used to curl up on his lap it has been for shorter and shorter time, and not everyday. I do not let the dogs and cats rub up and lean into my body. I did not realize until Ms Moon hugged me. I felt my rigidity, her tenderness. Each hug, and there were many, I felt myself let go. Tiny releases, but each time I felt myself opening up inside wanting to be me again. I had already had the "What if this is as good I get?" sob. This was quieting my soul.
And then there were martinis and caprice salad made from Ms Moon's tomatoes. The flavors balanced perfectly, the yellow and red of the tomatoes, the fresh basil, mozerella and greens. The dressing fresh and bright. Then came a heavy pot filled to the brim of chicken and dumplings. The aroma savory and rich, earthy with mushrooms, the chicken cooked to tender and juicy large pieces nestled in the dumplings. The flat rolled kind, like my Auntie used to make. Usually Mary and I both make fluffy dumplings, more like stewed biscuits, then noodles, but these were tender and delicious and I was back in my Uncle's rose garden. Terraced beds of roses. Rows and rows of roses. It is an August day and Auntie yells through the screen door that lunch is ready. Chicken and her famous dumplings. A memory from a distant vacation. But even better, because here was this wonderful dinner. Green beans, green, crisp and tender. A cherry, peach, berry crumble with vanilla ice cream. Bug had done most of the cooking. This was a feast gently laid between two starving souls. All of our senses took in this glory. From the brilliant purple orchid brought, or all of the food. Different food then we had gotten into the habit eating.
As beautiful as the plant and flower, as delicious as the food, it was the love in Ms Moon's face. She has cooked for me before during this challenge and now I realize how much of my survival of that time was her food. She told me how much she had truly enjoyed shopping and making this dinner. Home made French loaf of bread, still warm and fragrant. I smelled the food and saw the sweet sparkle in these dear friends and their love and their time and this wonderful meal. In our new home. Friends over in our new home, laughing and talking, watching moose videos and tapes of Bill Murray on Graham Norton. I ate two helpings! I can not remember the last time that I so completely enjoyed a meal that I wanted more. Ms Moon and I had time to sit outside in the little porch and watched the rain and wait for the full moon.
As sweet as the night was, good byes came, more hugs, thank you whispered. Promises to enjoy all the food left and to look forward to more in the future. They drove home, and I was tired, but relaxed and happy. One of Mr. Moon's martini may have contributed to that relaxation. I know the food and easy talk and laughter among friends soothed me like a salve to the dry irritated nerves.
I slept well last night. A night I did not see the super moon. I looked before I went to bed. I had wanted to go to Geeta's. I had wanted to sit near my dear ones and relax, breath, meditate and feel the gratitude of life. To feel the gratitude of so many wonderful kind loving people in my life. I know Bug knew the sting of not getting to be at Geeta's could only be calmed by the wonderful evening he talked me into. Such a simple thing. Spend time with our loved ones. Yet, something so far away.
I saw shining from behind the curtains at one point. Maybe it was the full moon. I don't venture anymore than necessary, especially at night. So I do not know if the full moon rose and crossed over our home. This is our first full moon in our home. A super moon. So many blessings in life.
It is already the second half of the game. Still untied. So much riding on this game. No more world cup for 4 years. World peace could tremble if Argentina beats Germany. It has been an interesting game, despite the lack of scoring.
My cousin Lori is moving to Florida and will be stopping by to visit me on her way down to start her new job. My youngest brother's family will be up that weekend. I could have the two boys for a couple of days and nights. More loved ones.
Thank you my sweet husband for all you do for me. Thank you my dear sweet precious beloved ones. Spread through out the world, the real and the ether, although it is hard many times to understand the difference. Thank you for the love you show me is what brings me back each time I am ready to simply slip away.
Tomorrow I will go for the bone treatment
Then hopefully the chemo
But today, chicken and dumplings, green beans, a hidden bite of salad, cobbler and ice cream
and the last game of the world cup