I think the thing that has kept me silent the most lately is the obvious change of my ability to think and reason. I have absolutely no idea why at 56 years old I would be struggling with this. This has nothing to do with cancer, does it? Staying focused and keeping things straight in my mind and being able to remember things is such an effort these days. I am happy. I am doing more and catching up with projects like never before. Life is a balance of working in my gardens, around the house, in the house and my animals. But where are my friends? They are there, like they always are. I am the one that got lost and I desperately want to get back to having them in my life. They keep calling and emailing and gently reminding me they are there. I am the one that is lost. Talking to people takes so much concentration and focus. Something that is hard these days. I am not sure why. I can tell you I am no where near as smart as I once was. Nope, not real bright these days, but more even tempered, active and happy.
Oh and time. I have started wearing my watch again after getting a new battery for it. But it does not matter. Time and I have always danced around each other. But now I am spinning and trying so hard to get caught back up in the same time as all of my dear beloved ones. I am getting closer.
Yesterday Carolyn and I went to see my liver doctor, Dr. C. He is a good friend of Dr. M. Like the amazing and wonderful Dr. McCuttie Pie, is handsome and charming with a quirky sense of humor. However unlike my dear Dr. M, Dr. C is quite tall. I have been trying to get in to see him for several months to get the results back from my genome testing of the Hep. C virus to determine if I qualify for treatments. My appointment was 9:30 yesterday, I wrote down 1:00. So I not only missed my appointment, but the doctor only worked half a day yesterday, so there was no way to see him. My fault, I have no idea how I could have written down 1 instead of 9:30. Maybe I was writing 1 because it was June 1st?!?!?! I have no idea.
This is pretty typical of me these past many weeks. I am supposed to be somewhere and I simply loose track of time, or completely miss the time I was supposed to be there. hmmmmm
I did realize yesterday as I was standing on my porches looking over Labrun that there are so many more important things I do not ever want to forget.
I never want to forget how the light looks as it breaks through the leaves sprinkling filtered patches of moving light between the trees.
I never want to forget the beautiful houses and red brick roads of Thomasville
Or the huge houses along highway 90 in Monticello with the little craftsman cottages nestled in between. Dark green oaks and camellias stand strong scattered in yards that stretch into long gardens along the quiet street.
I never want to forget waking up with Bob and Edna fast asleep on either side of me. As I stroke their soft dog ears they stretch and snuggle up closer.
I never want to forget how perfect life can be sitting on a porch with a good book, a glass of clear cool water and a cat on my lap.
Or the satisfaction of bending over to pluck weeds out of my gardens.
Or the tingle from using Dr. Bronner's peppermint soap
Or the tingle from a tender kiss
Or the tingle from wrapping your arms around a precious beloved one and feeling their heart
I never want to forget a hummingbird at my feeder or a tufted titmouse or cardinal or a bluebird living in the Martin house.
I never want to forget how my breath catches in my throat each year as the first gloriosous lily blooms on my back porch.
I never ever ever want to forget my Father sitting next to me at the Leaf Theater in Quincy watching Annie Get Your Gun as my father's foot tapped along with There is No Business Like Show Business and a tear came to his eye. His fingers snapped a rhythm with his feet.
I never want to forget the day they dedicated the children's library to my parents in Barcarrota. I think Dad missed Mother more at that moment then any other moment before or after. I want to remember what that love looks like in my Father's eyes.
I never want to forget my brother Rob and how he and his family, JongAe and Jessica came to Orlando to visit Vicki and I in our condo one summer and how this new little family hung on to each other in the pool. Three people making a family by their love for each other.
I never want to forgot the pride my brother Tom and his wife Pat look upon their two sons, Nathaniel and Christopher with. How they celebrated Heidi's graduation this past weekend and how much she is a part of our lives.
I never want to forget how it feels to ride on the back of a Harley. Rock music screaming as we roar down the road trying to beat a ferocious rain storm racing in behind us. The hot summer day turning black and heavy. The temperatures plummeting as the storm tumbled and schwacked at the land and people. The air tingling my skin, the adventure as we both leaned forward willing the bike to outrun the storm. Turning from one road to another, now so familiar, these ribbons of asphalt. The air charged with ozone, my hair blowing in the wind, a wild look of joy in my face.
I never want to forget watching Christopher hold Edna at just weeks old.
Or the first time I saw my Bob sitting in the back of the kennel while his brothers vied for attention at the front.
Or the moment Harry and Lily was born and I held in them my hands as they took their fist gasps of air.
I never want to forget OB's eyes
or Mary's smile
the twinkle in Judy's eye
or how my youngest brother sounds just like my Dad when he chuckles
I never want to forget how it feels to fall in love with someone
or how it feels to fall in love with someone who will be your friend for life
or how eyes brighten before tears fall when you say goodbye to a precious beloved one
I never want to forget all the peace I have found sitting on my little front porch
or all the moments I have simply sat in my yard, in almost every corner of it looking at the grass and trees, animals and sun, the moon and the stars.
Or how the sky can go from endless blue to dark and heavy gray as a front passes over
I never want to forget how simple words can take my breath away.
Or how a photograph by Clyde Butcher reminds me so much of the land I grew up on and like ghosts from the past hangs on my wall, one moment in time.
I never want to forget each moment, each day that I spend right now. Happy and content. Busy, but not crazy. Learning and growing, changing and questioning. And yet with all this questioning and internal review what have I come up with? The realization to let go of control and just be there. Really there, and to never forget how wonderful it all is.