Sleep

I didn't sleep very well last night.  I was tired, but I had stayed up to almost 9 last night watching something on TV and when I turned off the light my eyes would just not stay closed.  Every hour I seemed to be staring at the clock.  I think I slept in between the staring at the clock, but it just isn't restful.  I am still tired this morning.  But I will go back to my 6:30pm bed time. 


 What is different?  Well, I did stay up later then normal.  And I have been trying not to take an Ativan every night.  Right now that seems ridiculous after not sleeping well.  But I just have this thing about taking pills.  I come from a generation where recreational drugs was common place.  I came late to that world, and basically danced along the fringe of that world, never really fitting in well.  I guess that is part of my problems with the drugs now.  I keep trying to dance just along the fringe of this world.  Physically I am right in the middle of chemo, and I have no problem with that, but taking pain pill, anti-anxiety pills, anti nausea pills, in other words pills that I am responsible for administering myself, that is where I am not so great.  I am trying, and tonight I will take that Ativan and I will go to bed early and I will try and stay in bed until 8.


So what can I do today to also help me sleep?  Well, I will clean the house up a bit, vacuum the carpet and mop the kitchen.  Finish the purple scarf for the Oncology Center.  Start a new one.  I finished one yesterday.  Brunch in Tallahassee after visiting a new Indian store with Janak and Geeta.  Maybe I will go to rehearsal for Steele.  I will stop by the grocery for cat food and dish detergent.  That should wear me out.  


Tomorrow is chemo........hopefully.  My appointment is not until 10:45, so hopefully I will miss the early morning rush.  I also hope that since it is the Federal Holiday for MLK Jr, that might also help to keep the crowd down.  And by the way, Monday is not Dr. King's birthday like I have heard all morning.  No, his birthday was yesterday, January 15.  That is my first husband's birthday.


It is supposed to get to 60 today.  It was cold this morning, but it is sunny and beautiful.  I love the color of the winter sky.  So blue, so bright, so much like a giant bowl over our heads, some how dimensional in its color.  The day before my scheduled chemo is always special because I have energy and desire to move.  I can not predict how I will feel this coming week.  I have to be back on my feet by Friday.  Friday morning I have Dr. Fishel coming up from Gainesville to meet my staff.  I need for him to meet the person I am training to replace me.  I think they will work together wonderfully, and I want to give them every opportunity I can to build their working relationship before I am gone.  I want both of these people and our program to succeed.  No, I want them to excel.  I want our program to continue to be rated as highly as it has been for the last many years.  How well they work together will have a direct affect on how successful the program continues in the years to come. 


Then Friday night, Sioux will be here.  I have not seen her for 4 years.  Is that all?  It seems so much longer.  So much has happened in those four years.  We were so close before and now when we talk it feels that way again.  She is a very special person.  A massage therapist, a drafter for architects.  A mother, a grandmother, a motorcycle rider.  A traveler.  A survivor.  A dear friend.   


Beautiful Sunday.  simply beautiful.