Disappointment

Monday I went to bed around 6.  I tried to do that again on Tuesday, but people kept calling to check on me. I really appreciate all the love and concern, but if I don't blog, or return an email, or answer the phone or if it takes me a little time to return a phone call, please be patient with me.  I am doing the best I can, but I get tired, and sometimes all I want to do is to just roll up like an armadillo or maybe smaller, like a pill bug, and slip in under the covers and sleep.  rest.  I did my best to increase my platelets by eating spinach twice a day for 2 weeks, then I did kale and arugula and then a week of collards, but it did not help.  But maybe rest will help.  


Wednesday Ms Moon and I headed up to Thomasville for my chemo treatment.  They took my blood and sent it off to the lab.  Then they stabbed me in the chest, OK, my port, but it feels like they are jamming a needle into my chest.  It isn't that it hurts or is that uncomfortable, just weird.  And then the word came down, no go.  The platelets have still not come up enough, no chemo.  I was so disappointed, not in Dr. M.  No, I am disappointed in my body for not being able to do what is needed.  I was not disappointed in my body when I found out I had cancer.  It never occurred to me to think that my body was letting me down.  But now, I do feel that way.  I understand that I have had 5 chemo treatments between the 2 doctors.  That the first treatments took a lot out of me, and I understand that I have Hepatitis C, which also affects the strength of my body.  But I am still disappointed.  


My calcium levels were also still elevated so that gave me a zomata treatment.  So at least we got that taken care of.  


The next chemo is scheduled for Monday, MLK Holiday.


I finished 2 more scarves, and one of the nurses fell in love with them.  I gave her one, and have made her another one.  I hope to take it and another one for the patience.  


After the zomata treatment, Mary and I headed to the Thomasville Goodwill.  It is a wonderful Goodwill.  We each found some things and then headed to JC Penney.  I had a gift card from a friend at work and I got 2 shirts with the gift card.  Thanks Robin!!  Then we had lunch at George & Louie's.  There was an adorable man there, that Mary said actually noticed me.  I was so busy noticing him that I did not see that he might or might not have been looking at me.  But you can be sure that we will have lunch there again.


The best time of the day was having pizza last night that Ms Moon made for Judy, Denise, Pat and me.  It was delicious.  I even had a tiny tini.  It is about 1/2 ounce of martini, but it hit the spot.  The five of us sat around Mary's dinning room table eating the wonderful pizza, laughing, talking, loving each other.  Mary and Pat throwing out lines from our up coming production of Steel Magnolia's.  Denise with her new hair cut, Judy animated, me able to sit at that table with these woman I love so much.  That was a little reprieve from the disappointment of not getting the chemo.  And it was a wonderful night.


Today I headed back to the office and got many things accomplished, but managed to get out at a reasonable time, around 1:30.  I stopped by the Moon home and Ms Moon had fixed a wonderful vegetable soup and sent some home for me.  And it was perfect, a little baguette and Ms Moon soup.  


I am home now, my tummy filled with veggie soup, and I have finished entering numbers into my data base so that I can generate my reports tomorrow.  I have my work set for next week that I can do at home.  I can rest more here.  I do not have to take phone calls, people can not bring in more things that I need to do.  I can focus on entering the numbers, so many many numbers.  And I can do it quicker because I can focus just on the numbers.  And I can stuff the renewal packages.  They are all folded.  Hopefully I have enough handouts, etc.  to get them done next week to be mailed by Friday or the following Monday.  I feel like I am taking some pressure off my staff.  It gives me a link to the office, and something to focus on.  I get to claim the hours I work at home, so that helps me not use my leave as quickly so that I can retire in May or June.  And most important, I can stop and rest when I need to.  


And so hopefully next week on Monday I will finally have my 3rd chemo treatment.  The last one before we run the PTscan to see if it is working.  We think it is.  It is not getting rid of all the cancer, but it is slowing it down, extending my life, maybe by days or months or years.  Who knows.  


And then Sioux will be here.





Thank you all my dear friends for your caring, your sharing, your concern and love.  I am hoping to eventually get back to a more normal life once we get these treatments back under control.  I hope to live many years yet, and for those of you who continue on this journey, know that I value each of you with all my heart.  And I promise to stay the best in touch I can, but be patient with me.  I can not answer every email or phone call every day.  Sometimes, I am just too tired.  But know that I appreciate your love and concern.