How do you put a value on a life? I have no idea. Life is precious. But not all lives are easy. And sometimes it just gets so complicated. I have been spending a lot of time thinking of these things. May Day came and passed. It was one of the most wonderful May Days I have had in my entire life. It involved riding on a motorcycle and being outside, flying over the land as Spring and Summer fight over the weather. The weather has been as confused as I have. Temperatures swing 30 - 50 degrees here during a week. Even now we have had temps in the 50s at night and highs reaching the 90s. We have had rain, we have had clear skies that look like it goes forever.
The big thing is that Dad fell a couple of weeks ago, again. This time he was down for over 2 hours before he could get any one's attention. He had on his cell phone, but could not make it work. He had his life line around his neck, but could not get it out from his shirt so again, he could not reach it. Finally one of the neighbors heard him. Thank the heavens for Ron, Nancy and their boys for keeping an eye out for Dad. They live right next door to him, and are such a help. Rob and Tom and their families went right down. They got Dad into the hospital and they checked him from top to bottom looking for broken bones or strokes. Fortunately we was find that way. He does have dementia and should not be left at home alone.
So is my Father's life at 86 more important then my own? I don't think so, and yet I feel like such a selfish person. Of course I could make arrangements with Judy and Denise to take care of the chickens. I could take the dogs and cats with me. I would have to put up a fence in Dad's yard for the dogs. I would have to give up my life here. I have my brothers and friends that I grew up with still in Palmetto, but the life I have built here would have to be put on hold. But for how long? Just because Dad has dementia does not mean that he will not live another who knows how many years. And of course I do not know how long I will walk on this planet in this body, but I do know that statistically Dad could easily out live me. Then what? Well, the boys could hopefully find some place for him to live where there would be people who could take care of him.
And then there is Harry. He is 14 and like Dad, falls a lot. Dad just fell again a day or so ago. Again, he was unable to reach any of the devices he has to notify people he is down. Harry howls like a wolf when he is down. Harry howls a lot these days. He howls when he is thirsty, or hungry, or wants out or maybe just attention. He howls when he is irritated or confused, lonely or frightened. He just howls a lot these days. As of this moment, I have not learned how to differentiate between all of his howls.
And so my mind keeps shifting over all of these thoughts these days. Complicated thoughts about duty and honor, responsibility and doing the right thing. But what is the right thing? And whose life is more valuable then another?
I do not want to give up my life here. I am happy here. I do not see my friends much anymore because I have buried myself so deep in the soil and the plants and the things around Labrun that need to be done. For the last 2 1/2 years I have felt so overwhelmed by all the things that needed done around this place. It is never ending as we all know. But oh my, get behind a year or two and it can be daunting. OB keeps telling me, eat it like an elephant, one bite at a time. Yes, that is the simple solution to most problems. It is hard to step back and get perspective on the situation, to take it small bites and soon it will be done. But until these past couple of months, it was just too much. I would go out and work on one thing and would find 8 more things to deal with while I worked on the one issue. This just kept going until I was frozen. But now the sun is out and it is spring/summer. Hurricane season is in just 5 days and we have already had our first named system and it looks like the second one could be on the way before Hurricane season actually begins.
I have done so many fun and wonderful things lately also. We work a couple of days on projects around the house and then we take a day to play. Normally that involves riding one of the Harley's, but it can also include going to the beach or going antiquing or going to the commissary, some place I had never been to before. We have driven up to Valdosta, to Thomasville, Perry, Keaton Beach, Apalachicola, St. George, St. Marks, Madison and oh so many other lovely places to go up here in the Big Bend region. I garden and read. I have finished the books in the Olympia series by Riordan and I am eagerly anticipating the next one to come out this fall. I am doing my yoga and walking. I talk to my Dad, but pretty much just keep low and think.
I am thinking too much.
My life is at a crossroads.
I am unsettled.
Live is great
My yard has never been happier
my children never more loving
my friends and family, concerned, but loving and giving me space
my world is..................
I don't know
I apologize for upsetting all of you who are worried.
It should not be so hard to get up each day and live your life.
It is not that I am unhappy or depressed, just a little off.
I will put up another post with the Flat Reid story.
I will post some photos.
I am finding my way back.
I am not doing anything on purpose, just living more in the moment
more aware of the exact moment I am in, but lost in the greater picture of the world.
I love you all.
I am alive and well
and will work on my journal again soon.
Life is so valuable, but if you spend your time thinking about it, somehow for me it feels like I am missing my life. And I am starting to miss my life.
I have never been one of those people who had to find myself. I have always been pretty much clear on who and what I am. Now, I don't know.
The big thing is that Dad fell a couple of weeks ago, again. This time he was down for over 2 hours before he could get any one's attention. He had on his cell phone, but could not make it work. He had his life line around his neck, but could not get it out from his shirt so again, he could not reach it. Finally one of the neighbors heard him. Thank the heavens for Ron, Nancy and their boys for keeping an eye out for Dad. They live right next door to him, and are such a help. Rob and Tom and their families went right down. They got Dad into the hospital and they checked him from top to bottom looking for broken bones or strokes. Fortunately we was find that way. He does have dementia and should not be left at home alone.
So is my Father's life at 86 more important then my own? I don't think so, and yet I feel like such a selfish person. Of course I could make arrangements with Judy and Denise to take care of the chickens. I could take the dogs and cats with me. I would have to put up a fence in Dad's yard for the dogs. I would have to give up my life here. I have my brothers and friends that I grew up with still in Palmetto, but the life I have built here would have to be put on hold. But for how long? Just because Dad has dementia does not mean that he will not live another who knows how many years. And of course I do not know how long I will walk on this planet in this body, but I do know that statistically Dad could easily out live me. Then what? Well, the boys could hopefully find some place for him to live where there would be people who could take care of him.
And then there is Harry. He is 14 and like Dad, falls a lot. Dad just fell again a day or so ago. Again, he was unable to reach any of the devices he has to notify people he is down. Harry howls like a wolf when he is down. Harry howls a lot these days. He howls when he is thirsty, or hungry, or wants out or maybe just attention. He howls when he is irritated or confused, lonely or frightened. He just howls a lot these days. As of this moment, I have not learned how to differentiate between all of his howls.
And so my mind keeps shifting over all of these thoughts these days. Complicated thoughts about duty and honor, responsibility and doing the right thing. But what is the right thing? And whose life is more valuable then another?
I do not want to give up my life here. I am happy here. I do not see my friends much anymore because I have buried myself so deep in the soil and the plants and the things around Labrun that need to be done. For the last 2 1/2 years I have felt so overwhelmed by all the things that needed done around this place. It is never ending as we all know. But oh my, get behind a year or two and it can be daunting. OB keeps telling me, eat it like an elephant, one bite at a time. Yes, that is the simple solution to most problems. It is hard to step back and get perspective on the situation, to take it small bites and soon it will be done. But until these past couple of months, it was just too much. I would go out and work on one thing and would find 8 more things to deal with while I worked on the one issue. This just kept going until I was frozen. But now the sun is out and it is spring/summer. Hurricane season is in just 5 days and we have already had our first named system and it looks like the second one could be on the way before Hurricane season actually begins.
I have done so many fun and wonderful things lately also. We work a couple of days on projects around the house and then we take a day to play. Normally that involves riding one of the Harley's, but it can also include going to the beach or going antiquing or going to the commissary, some place I had never been to before. We have driven up to Valdosta, to Thomasville, Perry, Keaton Beach, Apalachicola, St. George, St. Marks, Madison and oh so many other lovely places to go up here in the Big Bend region. I garden and read. I have finished the books in the Olympia series by Riordan and I am eagerly anticipating the next one to come out this fall. I am doing my yoga and walking. I talk to my Dad, but pretty much just keep low and think.
I am thinking too much.
My life is at a crossroads.
I am unsettled.
Live is great
My yard has never been happier
my children never more loving
my friends and family, concerned, but loving and giving me space
my world is..................
I don't know
I apologize for upsetting all of you who are worried.
It should not be so hard to get up each day and live your life.
It is not that I am unhappy or depressed, just a little off.
I will put up another post with the Flat Reid story.
I will post some photos.
I am finding my way back.
I am not doing anything on purpose, just living more in the moment
more aware of the exact moment I am in, but lost in the greater picture of the world.
I love you all.
I am alive and well
and will work on my journal again soon.
Life is so valuable, but if you spend your time thinking about it, somehow for me it feels like I am missing my life. And I am starting to miss my life.
I have never been one of those people who had to find myself. I have always been pretty much clear on who and what I am. Now, I don't know.
