The Last Day of 2010

What an amazing year it has been.  It started for me at the Opera House dancing and laughing and making a new years resolution with Vicki to have more fun and laugh more.  And we have.  It was wonderful starting the year with her and now she will be here for a quick weekend visit next week.  I am so excited.  


In February I directed Sex Please we're Sixty with some of my dearest friends at the Opera House.  We had the most wonderful time and I laughed at every rehearsal.  That was followed with Wheel of Murder for our Spring Murder Mystery.  Again I worked with such dear and wonderful people.  But I had to drop out of that play.


It was at that time that I started the cancer portion of this year's journey.  And yes, there has been plenty of challenges, but the good outweighs any challenges that I have met or will have the opportunity for.  And having my friends surround me and be there for me has really made this portion of the journey so  worth it.  I have so many memories from this year, and by far they are tender moments filled with love and laughter.  I have learned better about what my body is really strong enough to do.  I have learned how pain can make you act petty and angry and short tempered.  I have learned that kindness and nurturing can make the scariest moments easier to handle, giving you a strength that you didn't know was possible.  I have learned that gifts come in all wrappings and it is how you accept the gift on how it will effect your life.  I have learned that there is more to me then work.  I have learned how to sit still and rest, read a book, do handwork, watch a movie marathon.  I have learned that you can always go  back to gardening if you put in good bones.  


And I am feeling the change.  I grow bored with being sick.  I think it is about time to quit dying of cancer and move on.  I realize that I will still be impacted by this disease, but it is time to quit letting it be the lead story of my life.  Step one.  I am bored, time to change; Step two.  Start the retirement process;  Step three.  Look into Insurance possiblities;  Step four.  You have worked for more then 30 years and have paid into SS.  Look into disability.  Step five.  Take trip to Europe with Dad;  Step six.  Recover.  


That is a good start, but the most important part of every schedule is taking time to be with freinds, to laugh, to live in as many moments as possible.  To celebrate my friends.  To enjoy my animals.  


Yesterday I went to the Oncology Center and gave blood.  They got me in and out and the rest of the day was mine.  I used it to rest, and knit on my board.  Jane Ann at the Oncology Center told me that they accept scarves for cancer patients.  And trust me I understand how helpful that can be for people dealing with the thermostat problems from chemo.  I have a pink varegated one and just finished a brown/cream/pink varigated one and now I have started a blue/green/cream varegated one.  If I get the third one done I will donate them to Jane Ann to give out when I go in for chemo on Monday.  This is something I can do for people who have it worse then me.


Today I will take down my Christmas tree.  This is early for me, but because of the chemo on Monday I need to do any heavy cleaning done this weekend.  I will clean up and try to declutter a bit.  I will call friends.  I will take time to rest in between.  I will sit outside in the sunshine to eat lunch, even if that means wearing a big sweater, although it is supposed to be warming up today.  


Tonight I will eat mussels and a big salad.  I will snack on guacamole and humus and olives.  I will eat Godiva chocolate and drink a glass of champagne to celebrate the last day of the year. Will it be a midnight?  I doubt it, but that is ok.  I will celebrate this day.  This day designated as the last day of the year for this calendar.  I will celebrate New Years and visit friends and eat black eyed peas and greens.  And then when the lunar new year comes along in a few months I will celebrate that new year.  


I love holidays and celebrations.  Holidays are an excuse to get together and spend time laughing or praying or mourning or celebrating, or maybe a little of all the emotions at times.  I love celebrating holidays, festivities and traditions from all over the world.  What a better way to get to know someone then what they celebrate.  What better a way to spread peace through out the world then to share celebrations with all the people in the world showing curiosity and interest in what is important to them.  One of my favorite things about Southern celebrations is the food.  And as far as I can tell throughout the world food is intricately inter twinned as part of each celebration.  Some cultures fast, but at the end of the fast there is usually a great celebration of special foods, and if cake is involved, all the better.  


So many of our cultural traditions involve cake, and that makes me very happy.  Births, deaths, birthdays, weddings and retirements involve cake.  I like cake.  I like people who put away their own trepidations and share cake with others on their special celebration.  Hmmmmmm, maybe I will make cake today.  ooooh, or brownies.  I realize that the Christmas holiday is almost over, and we have all eaten more sweets and treats then we meant to do, but the celebration for me does not end until tomorrow, so I can still bake something today for tomorrow.  I will of course make corn bread to go with the black eyed peas.  Ms Moon said that she would share a few collard leaves with me, and I will be sharing the traditional meal with her and Mr. Moon sometime tomorrow also, and going out to visit Ms Judy and Ms Denise.  Sunday I will get to have lunch with Janak, Geeta and Baa.  So a weekend filled with dear beloved ones.  


And then next week Vicki and Ken will be driving down.  And then at the weekend my friend Sioux will be driving up.  I wish they were coming at different times but this is the only time for Vick and I can not reach Sioux, and this may be the only weekend she can come, so I will be happy to have them whenever I can have them, even if it means at the same time.  After all they are dear friends.


I am looking forward to my chemo on Monday.  Ms Moon will be taking me this time.  Thank you Lily for making sure that I could have your mother.  I am so lucky to have two, no three dear ones who work on my team and make sure that I have someone when I need them.  So lucky.  I have a few questions for the doctor.  One, is about aspirin, I heard that it was being used to extend people's lives who have lung cancer.  But I have a problem with my platelets and I am not sure that is something I can do while we are doing the chemo.  I also want to know if he thinks one more treatment and then check or does he feel confident enough that this treatment has worked and we will see a little change.  I am afraid.  Yes, I do feel fear now.  I am afraid that the treatments are not going to work.  It is easy to be confident and happy and have a good attitude when you think that the doctors are "fixing" things, but to do all of this, to live with all the side effects of the WMDs, to live knowing that this treatment is the best chance at keeping me alive as long as possible.  And now to face the truth, is it working is scaring me.  I have been here before with the last doctor, and the results were grim.  No change.  I understand that he was using the wrong chemical, that he did not know my cancer and to what extent it was intertwined into all the parts of my body and life.  Can I take the chance of hearing that again?  Of course I can, but that does not mean it won't be hard and that I might not cry.  I have been edgy lately, getting upset over things that I should not be getting upset about.  I have had to take my anti-anxiety pills every day at some point.  So I guess I am reacting to my anxiety of what is to come.  So the sooner that we run the tests the quicker we will know, and yet, I am willing to wait and yes, stress a little longer, but to try and make sure that we give the treatment of the WMDs the best shot they can have for a first try to affecting this cancer I have.  


So hopefully next year you can journal about a full life, a complete life, a life that goes beyond cancer.  A life still full of opportunities and surprises.  Mr. Moon talked about his thoughts on what would be the best convertible for him to find me.  He said some kind of Toyota.  I have never been a big fan of Toyota's, but if Mr. Moon thinks this is the best choice, then I will happily give it a shot.  I had thought of a convertible Mini Cooper, but he said the repairs are too expensive.  Good advice.  I do so appreciate having Mr and Ms Moon in my life.  


I appreciate all of you in my life.  You have made this year such a wonderful and totally amazing time.  And now I think I will go through the ball for Bob and scratch Harry and hug on Maggie.  Time to enjoy the day, it is getting warmer and time is passing.

Happy New Year